How to justify your point of view: a review of the behavioral recommendations of the pros

Disagreeing with other people or thinking outside the box scares us because we are social creatures who feel comfortable when we belong to a group. So sometimes speaking your mind can be scary. We do not want to be rejected, to offend anyone, or to encourage instability in our environment.

However, if we hold back from expressing our personal opinions out of fear that people will reject us or exclude us, we will stray from who we truly are. Likewise, it can lead to stagnation of a group or community. A group cannot grow if all its members agree all the time.

“Our wretched species is created in such a way that those who follow the beaten path always throw stones at those who show a new path.”

— Voltaire

Great breakthroughs in the world have been made possible by people who chose to raise their voices and speak their minds, even when other people disagreed with them. If Martin Luther King had not spoken out about racial discrimination, civil rights would never have changed. Another great example is Nelson Mandela and many others throughout history.

Speaking your mind is an act of courage.

It takes courage to speak your mind, especially when it contradicts the opinions of others. People seek mutual identification through consensus. Those who put the group at risk are often rejected, at least at first. Such rejection ranges from small gestures of disapproval to exclusion from the group.

Most people always tend to impose themselves, and when we express an opinion that challenges them, we put ourselves in the spotlight. And when we feel in the minority, we probably experience psychological pressure. This is why you must be brave to speak your mind.

It's almost an instinctive thing. People need other people to survive. Your physical and psychological survival depends on this, as it will be difficult for you to stay alive if you are completely alone. To go against the majority, you need to challenge that survival instinct. And it's not easy.

How to express your own opinion: causes of fear and ways to overcome it

The reason for the fear of objecting to your interlocutor or openly expressing your point of view lies in the uncertainty that low self-esteem generates. Usually these are people who grew up in a family where their opinion was not taken into account, who depend on the opinions of people and are always afraid of a negative assessment of their actions. What advice can you give them? It’s easier to look at the world, fight complexes and learn one truth: society has not yet come up with another way to change the world around us for the better. Humanity would never have achieved such progress if it continued to be afraid of its own opinion.

The times of the Middle Ages have passed, but the fear of speaking out remains. With the advent of democracy, expressing one’s point of view and being able to defend one’s personal position became prestigious and was associated with the sign of a strong-willed person, a real personality.

If you feel the need to speak up, first of all, wait for the right moment. Remember: no one will listen to you if you have nothing to say, if you are just trying to attract attention in any way.

There are rules of communication that will help you speak out without serious negative consequences:

express your thoughts clearly and clearly: practicing conversations, reading books, keeping a diary, special trainings will help you formulate them correctly; try to analyze situations more often, conduct an internal dialogue with yourself, mentally argue your personal opinion to imaginary opponents; practice doing this with those whom you are least afraid of - younger relatives, friends, try to argue with them just as a joke; take part in discussions, look for like-minded people during disputes - support will give you strength and confidence; if it is very difficult to start, watch how others do it, sometimes imitate them. Then, unnoticed by yourself, you will enter a new role, literally become infected with confidence, and this will help you achieve the desired results; Always behave calmly and composedly with others, there is no need to worry - after all, who will suffer because you say “I believe”? Everyone has the right to vote, including you.

Any point of view is preceded by knowledge, experience or justification. Having your own opinion does not mean saying everything that pops into your head.

Interesting research on this issue

In the 1950s, American psychologist Solomon Asch conducted various experiments on peer pressure and its consequences. He demonstrated that it was very difficult to break away from the majority.

In their experiments, some secret scientists forced wrong answers on others. Result? Less than 37% of people studied chose to answer the majority's questions, even if they thought they were incorrect.

A few years later, neuroeconomist Gregory Burns studied how the brain changed when someone isolated themselves from the majority. He concluded that disagreement increases activity in the amygdala, which processes emotions such as fear. However, those who went with the group showed lower levels of stress.

Do you need to defend your point of view?

I’ll give two examples of girls I know who think that it’s not worth insisting on your own.

We haven't seen one of them for a long time.

We met by chance. She talks about how great her job is now. Everything is fine, but it’s difficult to get to the office by eight, there are good reasons.

I tell her: “Ask your boss to shift your work day by half an hour, because this is possible with your work.” He looks at me reproachfully: “How can I demand? This will be a scandal."

I’m perplexed: “What do the requirements have to do with it? I suggest you explain your circumstances, ASK to change your working hours.” She waved her hand: “Who will listen to me? They’ll say, if you don’t like it, quit.”

True, it’s strange - she didn’t even try to resolve the situation, she immediately came up with a scandal and that she would be fired.

Another friend recently broke up with her boyfriend. He can’t really explain why. Somehow it just happened, he began to call less and less often, they stopped meeting and that’s it.

Now she has a new boyfriend.

They went to a cafe, he bought her ice cream with natural raspberries. And I know that she can’t stand this. But she didn’t tell him about it, she ate it and said it was delicious. So that he doesn't get offended.

I wonder: “How can you offend a guy if you say that your favorite ice cream is chocolate?” Okay, I didn’t say it now, next time you go to the cafe, say that you want chocolate now.

And she responded: “I don’t want to quarrel with him over trifles.”

Ehh, friend... If a young man might get offended or quarrel because of such nonsense, run away from him.

But most likely, this only lives in your head - to please everyone, to adapt to someone, so as not to offend, so as not to conflict, God forbid.

Now I think I know why the previous guy didn’t want to date her.

Who will like you if a girl always agrees to your proposals and looks into your mouth? But she doesn’t have her own ideas, hobbies, or thoughts.

Or rather, they exist, but she is afraid to express them.

How not to aggressively insist on your own

And where do my friends get such an imagination about mandatory conflicts if they suddenly start expressing their opinions?

After all, they are quiet, always affectionate, even somehow too... Quieter than water, lower than the grass. It turns out that they simply don’t know how to insist on their own, that’s why they remain silent?

As a rule, such girls have low self-esteem. And it is formed in childhood.

Despotic parents, often mothers, try to achieve the child’s obedience at any cost. Mainly through psychological violence. For boys, assault is often used.

That is why they believe that they can achieve their goal only by shouting and humiliation - this is what their mother or both parents did to them.

Are you familiar with these expressions?

• Shut up
• stop jumping
• do you want a belt?
• can you sit quietly?
• just wait, I’ll tell my father, he’ll show you...

– these and other phrases scare the child.

He tries to adapt to adults, to earn praise, guessing how to behave so as not to be scolded.

And you need to behave quietly.

And you can’t: shout, run, get noticed, ask for something.

Such conclusions are mainly drawn by girls.

The boys try to resist, rebel, and grow stubborn. But... they also cannot defend their opinion constructively.

Girls are more submissive.

At five or six years old: “I don’t want this white dress, but my mother decided so, my mother knows better.”

And at sixteen it’s already like this: “Mom says that I won’t survive in the hostel, so I’ll study in my city. So what if it’s an unloved specialty? Mom said, I’ll get used to it and then I’ll like it.”

In such children, aggression accumulates inside and does not find a way out. Or it finds it: in tearfulness, touchiness, bad habits.

So what should we do about it?

First of all, understand that any behavior is a reaction. That is, a derivative.

And the reason for the reaction (the original source) lies deeper.

After all, low self-esteem not only makes you want to avoid conflicts.

You continue to work at a job you don't like; wear some strange blouse with the top button fastened at the neck; you get lost for two hours in an unfamiliar city, embarrassed to ask how to get to such and such a street.

It is important to bring to the surface those psychological limitations that hinder you.

They interfere with everything: being happy, getting married, stopping obeying your mother, and so on...

It is better to go through this path with a specialist – a psychotherapist. It's faster and safer for your peace of mind.

For those who want to improve on their own, I suggest trying a method that is universally suitable for changing any behavior that is undesirable for you.

The importance of speaking your mind

It is emotionally easier to adapt to a group than to express an opinion that contradicts the majority. However, if we all behaved like a flock of sheep who only follow others, we would likely contribute to the consolidation of totalitarianism and there would be no collective progress.

Researcher Charlan Nemeth of the University of California, Berkeley, showed that jury verdicts were much fairer when one juror disagreed with the majority. These disagreements usually prompt a reexamination of the facts and circumstances. When someone questions the majority opinion, those who agree with him feel the need to collect more evidence to prove their point. And this is a positive thing.

Therefore, speaking your mind is very important. You must be true to yourself. You may be wrong, but it doesn't matter. The most important thing is to allow your conscience to guide you and regain the right to think differently.

As a social species, it is important to learn to listen to those who think differently and focus on the most compelling arguments, regardless of how many people agree or disagree with you.

• Do your thoughts belong to you, or to someone else?

When the word is gold

There is a saying: “words are silver, silence is gold.”

At school, in the garden, at the institute and at work, we are taught to be polite, tactful and modest, they are encouraged to obey our elders and not argue with our superiors.

However, constantly ignoring your legitimate natural desires can lead to the fact that those around you will soon stop noticing your existence altogether, much less taking into account your opinion. Agree - no one will take into account what does not exist in nature. Or even worse: in a healthy society, one way or another, the laws of evolution apply: that is, stronger individuals try to subjugate the weaker and use them.

Therefore, silence is golden, but only if it is appropriate and does not violate someone's rights. The word can also be golden. Suffice it to recall the Danish fairy tale “The King’s New Clothes,” where a mischievous child voiced the secret opinion of the people, showing an example to adults of what it means to have one’s own opinion.

By expressing our own opinion, we let off our “inner steam,” because constantly holding feelings inside ourselves and accumulating grievances is harmful to health and can cause serious mental disorders.

How to ask someone's opinion

Use one of the phrases from the list below to find out what views your interlocutor holds.

Good luck with your debate! We hope that now you will not have any problem expressing your opinion in English in any situation. Don't forget to download a list of useful vocabulary on the topic.

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