There are different people in the world. Some of them communicate openly and sincerely, do not hide their intentions and willingly share their thoughts and experiences. Others prefer to hide their true motives and act unnoticed by others. One type of such people is a manipulator. This is a rather insidious personality, he can force another person to act in a way that is beneficial to him, while the interlocutor will not even notice that he is being controlled.
Who is a manipulator?
Manipulator
- this is a person who, with the help of hidden psychological techniques, achieves what he wants from other people.
The word "manipulation" is translated from Latin as "manual handling", and was originally used to refer to the control of dolls. Indeed, a manipulator is a real puppeteer who pulls the invisible strings, which are the psychological weaknesses of the interlocutor, and forces him to act in the direction he wants. At the same time, the managed thinks that these are precisely his intentions and desires. Thus, a manipulator acts much more subtly and effectively than some tough dictator who tries to control people in an obvious and rude way - with the help of violence, orders, instructions and intimidation.
It is interesting that often even the manipulator himself does not realize that he is a manipulator. He manages people spontaneously.
We encounter psychological manipulation almost every day. Take, for example, commercials, posters, bright store signs, and other marketing techniques. They are designed in such a way as to influence certain weaknesses of the public and evoke in them desires that they did not have before. For example, images of food products on advertising posters are made in such a way that when they look at it, people involuntarily awaken their appetite. Tired of the constant bustle of the city, people, looking at a travel agency poster with an image of a girl relaxing on a beautiful beach, suddenly begin to want to go on vacation, although a minute ago they had not thought about it. A marketer is perhaps the most terrible type of manipulator, because he masters his skills professionally.
A manipulative person can easily be encountered in more everyday settings. In an ordinary work team, most often there is a person who quietly shifts his responsibilities to others. He does this unnoticed, using friendly feelings. It seems to everyone that he is such a pleasant person to talk to that it is simply impossible to refuse him. At the same time, all communication with him is limited to the workplace, and beyond that you don’t even meet with him. Not everyone understands this little truth, so the manipulator’s cunning takes a long time to work.
Even in your own home you can often meet a manipulative person. Some household members may deliberately put pressure on their relatives to achieve what they need. Most often, such people pressure on pity and cause feelings of guilt. A typical example is children who, by crying, beg their parents for permission to watch a cartoon, force them to buy him a toy he likes, etc. Parents, not wanting to offend their child, whom they love so much, follow his lead. Yes, children are one of the most powerful manipulators because they use the deepest human instincts and experiences - maternal instinct, a sense of family affection. Parents who bring a child into the world seem to feel their duty to him - to take care of him and provide an acceptable quality of life. It is very easy for even a child to influence such people.
Manipulation techniques
The manipulator uses a number of techniques to help lull the victim’s vigilance and keep him under control. He can act consciously or on an instinctive level, adapting to the mood and style of behavior of the interlocutor. The ability to use manipulation techniques at a professional level allows you to quickly achieve your goal in most cases.
If we understand the issue of manipulation from the point of view of psychology, then it is quite easy to control a person using fear, flattery, and appeals to kindness and decency in various variations. The manipulator can appear in the role of a despot or a victim, while accurately determining the most effective method of influence in each specific case.
If you were rude in a store, will you reciprocate?
Of course, I’ll try to be doubly rude. Let them know who they are dealing with
33.33%
No. I’ll try to react calmly even though it’s unpleasant for me
44.44%
It all depends on my mood. If I'm not in a good mood, then of course I will reciprocate
22.22%
Voted: 9
Compulsion
The simplest, most effective and crudest one involves psychological pressure. Basically, such manipulation is used in the case when one person depends on another morally or financially. For example, the boss gives additional work. When an employee tries to object, he threatens to deprive him of his bonus for the month or quarter. Resistance is suppressed through violence against the individual, the goal is achieved.
Smoothing
Used when there is an unwillingness to resolve current issues, as well as to get out of a conflict. Flattery, excuses, and any means to lead a person away from the original intention are used here. An example is working with conflicting clients, when with gentle persuasion they switch attention, offering a cup of coffee and promising a quick resolution of the controversial situation. When the manipulation technique is used correctly, the client does not even understand that he has already found himself outside the company, having essentially achieved nothing. In family relationships, this technique allows you to transform a spontaneous scandal into a constructive debriefing, following the famous joke about a quarrel “Sarochka, speak lower, I haven’t been able to understand for half an hour what you are absolutely right about.”
Evasion
Smart people try not to engage in confrontation if there is the slightest possibility of avoiding it. At the same time, logical traps are masterfully used, the purpose of which is to sow doubts about the rightness of the opponent. At the same time, the manipulator eludes constructive dialogue and attempts to pin him to the wall with arguments. He masterfully substitutes concepts, or uses a win-win tactic of retreat. Example: we will definitely discuss this, but not today. As a result, over time, the problem will lose relevance or the person will solve it on his own, and the manipulator will simply take advantage of the fruits of his labor.
Are you capable of betraying or setting up a colleague in order to get his place?
I doubt. If only on condition that no one knows about it
22.22%
I'm not capable of this
33.33%
Why not? Survival of the strongest and the smartest. And I need to think and care about my life, and not about someone else’s
22.22%
Very difficult question
22.22%
Voted: 9
The mechanism of manipulation development
Why does a manipulative person become the way he is? Some people are manipulators from birth; for them it is a natural psychological trait, and they are not even aware of their capabilities. However, most manipulative people become this way on purpose.
It is common for a manipulator to have a feeling of superiority over other people, but for some reason he is unable to realize this superiority; for example, he is too physically weak for this or does not have the appropriate social status. Having no open ways to get what he wants from other people, he uses deceit and cunning. Manipulators are driven by the highest degree of egoism, when in order to get what they want, they are ready to penetrate even the very depths of the interlocutor’s soul. They treat other people as inanimate objects that they have the right to move as they please.
Without showing respect for the people around them, manipulators, however, are in dire need of them. Without people, a manipulator cannot exist at all, since in itself he is nothing. There are concepts close to manipulation - parasitism, energy vampirism. A manipulator is a real vampire who uses the achievements of others as his own and asserts himself at their expense.
Remember your rights
In order to protect yourself from manipulators and generally lead a fulfilling life, building emotionally mature relationships, it is worth remembering your basic rights as an individual. Each of us has the right to be respected by others, to express our thoughts, emotions and views, with which some people may not agree. Also, all people can set priorities in life as they see fit, say “no” without subsequent feelings of guilt, and protect themselves from all emotional and physical threats from others. In addition, each person can build his life according to his own concept of happiness, without being judged by others. If you feel that your rights are being violated, then you may want to consider ending your relationship with that person.
Basic characteristics of a human manipulator
Manipulators, despite their secrecy, can be brought to light by certain signs. There are quite a few such signs, and the more of them are found in the interlocutor, the greater the likelihood that he is a manipulator.
Characteristics of this type of people
:
- Such people never directly state their feelings, thoughts, demands.
- They hide their real needs.
- They are able to quickly change their behavior and opinions depending on the situation.
- The answers to their questions are usually unclear and vague.
- They constantly try to shift responsibility onto other people.
- They say that they remember other people's requests well, but never fulfill them.
- When communicating, they often lie and remain silent.
- They usually ignore other people's needs and desires.
- Such people do not like criticism; they also try to deny even the most obvious things.
- Sometimes they begin to demand something in a harsh manner.
- They expect instant response to their demands and requests.
- Without any reason, they question the quality and competence of other people. At the same time, they do not try to prove their point of view, but use humiliation, insults, condemn the very personality of the interlocutor, and do not point out her specific qualities.
- They constantly blame everyone.
- Manipulators, as a rule, do not convey their requests directly. They try to call or convey their demand through a stranger.
- The manipulator believes that his point of view is the only correct one; he categorically does not recognize other opinions.
- The manipulator is inclined to threaten and blackmail; sometimes he does it openly, but with great pleasure he does it veiledly, as if trying not to give himself away.
- The manipulator tends to often change the topic of conversation, and he does this abruptly and suddenly.
- The manipulator notices that a person is poorly versed in a particular topic and begins to discuss it. In this way he wants to show his superiority.
- Manipulators tend to complain often. He exaggerates the workload, his illnesses, etc.
- When communicating with other people, they often show demonstrative servility - they flatter their interlocutors, give them gifts, etc.
- When communicating with a manipulator, other people feel awkward; in addition, when the manipulator achieves his goal, those around him receive some damage.
This is not yet a complete list of all the “markers” by which you can identify a manipulator, but using them you can determine with fairly high accuracy whether there are manipulators among your loved ones. One can quite reasonably suspect a person of manipulation if approximately half of the signs or more from this list are confirmed.
Methods of protection
Many will probably exclaim that the best way is to stop communicating. This is true if possible. And if not? What if it turns out that the manipulator is your mother, son or sister? Is it really worth stopping communication completely?
The best way is “counter-manipulation”. This means that you should try not to make any commitments. But don’t forget that you shouldn’t be fooled by flattery and gifts. You should also not take negative statements in your direction to heart. If you make concessions, the opinion about you will not change, but they will continue to “ride”.
What are the types of manipulative people?
Everett Shostrom, in his famous book Anti-Carnegie, describes as many as eight types of manipulators
:
- Dictator
. This is a person who tries to give orders to everyone. He screams and threatens if he sees disobedience. Power and strength are the main methods of his actions. Gaining superiority over others, he becomes an even greater tyrant. - Calculator
. Outwardly, he looks like a well-mannered person, often having quite a lot of friends. But in fact, such a person carefully calculates with whom he needs to be friends. In any case, he tries to get the maximum benefit for himself. If no profitable acquaintances are expected, he prefers to be alone. - It stuck
. These are people who prefer a passive, driven lifestyle. They want to be controlled and cannot do anything without orders. “Sticky” people are annoying and at the same time lazy. - Rag
. These people are characterized by lack of will, infantilism; they complain constantly and are mostly in a bad mood. The goal for them is to be pitied or at least paid attention to. - Hooligan
. This is a manipulator who solves all his problems only with force and noise. In any situation that does not suit him, he will fight and become rowdy. Those around him are afraid of such a person and try to please him in everything. - Judge
. This is a manipulator who is always dissatisfied with everything. At the same time, the scale of his condemnation often takes on a global character - he wants the whole world to behave “correctly.” Contempt for others is constantly written on the face of such a person. Such a manipulator is inclined to blame everyone, even for those vices that are not characteristic of them. - Good guy
. Such a puppeteer shows ostentatious complacency and tries to please everyone, although his manners often seem insincere. Despite this, those around him for a long time cannot figure out the manipulator and are surprised when such a “good person” turns out to be a terrible scoundrel. - Defender
. This is a puppeteer who tends to shield others and justify their actions. A person does this not at all out of love for others, but only out of a sense of selfishness - he wants to show himself more competent, smart and generous than others.
Regardless of its type, the manipulator is distinguished by such quality as predictability. If you recognize the way he controls others, you can effectively resist manipulation.
Gender difference
Women and men are different not only externally, but also internally. And their methods of manipulation are also different. How to recognize a manipulative man? He is charming and funny. Most likely, he knows how to give compliments and look after you beautifully. He is self-confident, but at the same time gentle and affectionate.
Things change when you reciprocate his feelings. The fish is trapped in a cage and is unlikely to be able to jump out. Now she is a permanent victim. Often a man accuses a woman of stupidity, naivety, calls her names and insults her. Cases of physical violence are also common. And the male manipulator twists everything so successfully that after all this the girl also considers herself guilty.
It is not uncommon for a man to be a manipulator in a relationship. How to recognize it? If you often do things for him that you don't really want, that's probably true. Set clear boundaries in your relationship. Do not allow yourself to be insulted and offended. If you have children in your family, it is likely that when they grow up, they will also take on the role of victim.
How to recognize a manipulative woman? They are more cunning and resourceful. They have a lot of tricks in stock that will make an obedient boy out of any man. Some scientists believe that there are many more manipulative girls, and this model of behavior has been ingrained in them since childhood. It manifests itself in five different ways:
- tears and hysteria;
- through sex;
- jealousy;
- feeling of shame;
- women's reproaches.
As a rule, women's manipulations are less noticeable and more successful. The main thing is that the man does not realize that he has been under his thumb for a long time.
Methods of managing people: according to Breaker and Simon
Psychologists Simon and Breaker identified a variety of methods for managing people.
Here are some of them actively used by puppeteers
:
- Lie;
- Deception through omission;
- Negation;
- Distraction (moving to another topic);
- Covert bullying;
- Shaming (the victim communicates self-doubt and fear through sarcasm).
Rules for communicating with a manipulator
How should you deal with a person who has been caught trying to control others? First of all, you yourself need to be a strong person who understands his desires, is responsible for his actions and does not want to be controlled.
There are two ways to communicate with the manipulator:
Firstly, you can simply ignore it. This method does not always help, since you can run into complications in relationships: manipulators are often very aggressive people. Secondly, you can move on to active confrontation and behave in such a way that your interlocutor will no longer have the desire to manipulate you.
For example, you can respond to all requests from the manipulator with one single phrase. This method is especially good when you need to refuse something. The phrase must be pronounced with a friendly intonation, but its content must remain unchanged. In this case, the manipulator quickly gives up - first he begins to press for pity, and then falls silent.
Another way is exposure. A manipulator usually hides his feelings, but he is not able to do this perfectly - for example, his facial expressions give him away. Having noticed this, you need to directly and clearly express your thoughts, saying, for example: “You are lying.” To enhance the effect, you can draw the attention of others to this.
An effective way is to respond to the manipulator’s criticism and accusations with consent; True, you only need to agree with what is actually true. This way the manipulator will understand that the attempt to control the interlocutor was unsuccessful.
You can pretend to be a fool and pretend that you don’t understand the manipulator’s request. We need to ask him to explain in more detail. Manipulators are most often illogical people, so with such an answer they will prefer to stop trying to pressure. You can also abruptly jump to another topic, pretending that you did not hear the puppeteer’s requests.
Charm
The manipulator would not be able to control other people if they did not like them. For this reason, he is always good, helpful, kind. But this only happens at the moment when he tries to win your heart. Once the job is done, the attitude changes.
Children can be a striking example. They are sweet and charming, but often manipulate their parents. For example, mom and dad are divorced. A little girl wants a new doll. At first she will be a lovely angel for her parents. But if a refusal suddenly follows, blackmail will begin. And the girl will turn to the one who loves her more. After all, it is this person who is easier to wound.
She can tell her mom that dad will buy her a toy because he loves it more than mom. The result is that she manipulates the feelings of her own mother. Most likely, the plan will succeed; the mother will buy a doll to prove to her daughter that she really loves her (although the girl already knew this very well).
