To trust or not to trust? A question that many people ask themselves. And many people answer that no, you shouldn’t trust them. And they live with it. Is this good or not? Let's figure it out.
The first thing I would like to draw your attention to is the following words: trust, faith, fidelity, confidence. What connects these words? Why are they the same root? And the main question. How does this connection affect the life of a particular person?
Think about this before we continue!
When a woman stops trusting her man and considers him unfaithful, she can lose faith in her family, in men, and in herself as a woman. And as a result, her self-confidence in life may be shaken. If a man does not trust his woman, then the same thing happens. He also loses faith in himself, in people, in women and becomes insecure, doubtful and fearful.
The more we mistrust, the more worries, doubts and fears appear in our lives. At the same time, the quality of life decreases. Life turns into “walking through a minefield” and suffering.
If we don’t trust, then the opportunities in our lives become much smaller. This is due to the fact that opportunities and success come through other people. Through communication with other people. Through joint projects, through partnership and cooperation. Through friendship.
Trust is a prerequisite for creating strong bonds with other people. It is the ability to see the best in people, situations and the world around us. Because if we don’t see this, then everything that surrounds us is dangerous, threatening. In this case, the person stops trusting and begins to live in fear.
The more a person trusts, the less fears, doubts, and anxieties he has. And the stronger his mental health and, as a result, a healthier body.
Is there a standard for trust and how to measure it?
We all have different levels of trust in specific acquaintances and in people in general.
Someone leaves their phone on the cafe table when they go to the restroom, because they believe that none of the visitors will take the device. And some even keep their distance when communicating with loved ones. It is unknown whether they will stick a metaphorical knife in the back if you relax. Regardless of the level of trust, you can find an abandoned bag and get hit by a loved one. In this situation, it seems that it is unsafe to trust people. It's better to be safe than sorry. But it is not so.
Irina Aigildina
Cognitive-behavioral psychologist.
Without trust, it is impossible to build friendly and loving relationships. A distrustful person has to spend a lot of energy on controlling his children, partner, colleagues, subordinates and other people around: “You can’t rely on anyone, you can’t trust anyone, everyone can deceive.” But in the end, this behavior results in stress, emotional burnout and apathy. The joy of life is lost.
A trusting person approaches the world more creatively, expresses himself openly, is relaxed, calm, more friendly and surrounded by equally friendly people.
According to Irina Aigildina, the concept of a normal level of trust does not exist, because there is no unit for measuring it. In every situation, the criterion of “normality” is found within ourselves. But that's not all.
Trust is the belief that a person will meet our expectations. But he is not at all obliged to do this and can respond to kindness with kindness, with nothing, or even with ingratitude.
Andrey Smirnov
Master of Psychology, practical psychologist.
It turns out that the principle of the golden mean also works in the case of trust. It is irrational not to trust anyone, but it is also reckless to trust just anyone. Each case is individual, and in any relationship, even very good ones, there is some risk. But, as you know, whoever does not take risks does not taste the well-known pleasant drink.
Why should you trust?
It is desirable to treat people with trust not at all in order to please them. It is clear that the image of a gloomy subject, looking warily at the entire people, cannot evoke pleasant feelings. But at the end of the day, he doesn't have to be nice and comfortable to everyone. And the point is not this, but the fact that a person who does not trust anyone first of all harms himself.
Judge for yourself: any person needs friendly relationships for psychological comfort. A person is designed in such a way that he needs someone else to whom he can open up, pour out his soul, talk about painful things, and ask for advice. And without mutual trust this is impossible.
Without trusting your partner, you cannot build a family. It’s scary to imagine what the situation might be like in a home where a husband and wife are suspicious of each other. In this case, there is no need to talk about love and spiritual intimacy! And what is it like for children to grow up in such an environment? Contact with them, by the way, is also based on trust.
Read also: Why does a cat cry?
And a person who does not trust people dooms himself to career failure. Numerous psychological studies indicate that only a close-knit team of like-minded people functions effectively and achieves success. In such a team there is no envy, noisy talk, bullying and other unpleasant things that interfere with business.
Professional achievements, friendship, family, children - basic values. If they are not there, a person does not feel happy. Moreover, the inability to maintain sincere relationships based on trust can even lead to stress and neuroses.
Why don't we trust people
Psychologists name several factors.
Due to negative experiences in childhood
According to Aigildina, the so-called basic trust is laid in early childhood. A child learns this in the first two years of life. The following factors become decisive:
- Was mom’s behavior predictable?
- did she stay “in touch” and come when the child called,
- how orderly and expected the environment was,
- were the routine and usual rituals of feeding, bathing, and changing clothes observed?
These daily little things form the baby’s sense of trust in the world and people around him.
Irina Aigildina
In the first few months of life, the child does not separate himself from his mother. Therefore, its role in building trust at this stage is important. If the mother cannot be there all the time, the role of a significant adult for the child begins to be played by the grandmother, father or nanny. In the first days of forced separation, the child may experience discomfort and anxiety. But if the mother returns anyway, and the person nearby gives a sense of predictability and orderliness, the feeling that the world can be trusted will gradually return to the child.
In the future, the child will pay attention to how they communicate with him, how they keep or do not keep promises, how comfortable he is in declaring his desires and in contact with friends and strangers. This is how a sense of psychological safety is formed, an important element of trust in people. Or, on the contrary, alertness and a constant feeling of threat appear.
Due to disturbing events
The feeling of trust is not static and can change under the influence of life experiences, social and economic situations.
Because of self-doubt
Sometimes it is believed that if a person does not trust others, then he first of all does not trust himself. And self-confidence is directly related to self-esteem.
Maria Eril
Psychologist, psychotherapist, head of the “Psychology of Communication” department at Business Speech.
As a rule, we decide to trust another person only if we are ready to take responsibility for the unsuccessful interaction. You can trust other people only if you believe in yourself and that you are able to overcome and harmonize any negative scenario after interacting with this or that person.
Trust means not only hoping that someone will live up to our expectations, but also taking risks in case the person does not.
Positive qualities of an Outcast
Outcasts tend to be mobile, motivated, and determined to succeed in a particular endeavor. Even if a reward is not expected, they will be happy to express themselves in this way. Outcasts are often successful. Where most people would have given up long ago or given up hope of making a difference, the Outcast is persistent and willing to take risks.
The Outcast may not always be a great team player, but he is capable of being an excellent leader. An outcast, in principle, is not afraid of mistakes, uses any opportunities and knows how to take responsibility.
The Outcast is an individualist, he thinks critically and often has extraordinary opinions. These people tend to be attracted to careers that allow them to think outside the box, recognize their individual achievements, and promote recognition. They prefer to do everything on their own, to lead, rather than follow other people's instructions.
How to learn to trust people
The most effective way to solve the problem is with the help of a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist. But you can work on it yourself.
Irina Aigildina
If you do not specifically engage in building trust in people and the world in general, then it will not “grow” on its own. And then, sooner or later, distrust will begin to dominate your life. For example, you may begin to think that the other person is mocking you or has a hidden agenda, although in fact there is no reason to think so.
Aigildina advises to analyze your views and attitudes towards people, situations and life in general. For example, you can be guided by the following phrases: “trust, but verify”, “trust alone will not go far” or “everyone around you deceives.” Naturally, such beliefs influence interactions with others. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy effect. If you see danger and hostility in the whole world and in people, then so be it.
Analyzing negative experiences that contributed to the growth of your mistrust will also help. Perhaps you have encountered betrayal or other situations where openness played a negative role.
Most likely, it won’t be difficult to remember the bad things. The next stage will be much more difficult: to find situations in life when people did not let you down, were honest and fulfilled their obligations, and did not violate your trust in them. We usually take such stories for granted. And negative experiences stick in the memory like a thorn.
Good memories will help train your eyes to see the positive side of life.
How do you understand what and when to trust, and what and when not to trust?
Naturally, deciding what and whom to trust is a personal choice. The correctness of this choice, in my opinion, is determined by how well a person lives in the consequences of the choice made.
However, if a person has few close, trusting, warm and satisfying relationships, if he has difficulty meeting and getting along with people, and at the same time asks: “Why would I trust people with personal things?” - then this is a problem!
And this problem is not whether he is right or wrong when he does not trust people, but that he builds relationships with people in such a way that he feels BAD. Well, maybe not directly bad, usually people get used to bad things, calling them tolerable, quite acceptable, etc., but subjectively, he does not feel happiness and ease in relationships or rarely feels them.
Anna Uzbekova - psychologist, gestalt therapist
Big little lies
They lie about little things. In small things. They are comfortable living a lie.
Growing up, I knew a guy who always wanted to “leapfrog” whatever you said. Did you score X points in Temple Run? Then in a conversation he will note that his record is X+20.
When you keep catching them lying about small and unimportant things, or they tell you how they lied to other people. You may be tempted to trust them if no lies have affected you and they are willing to open up to you, but it's only a matter of time until they lie to you about something big.
Reasons why people betray or deceive
Whether you can trust a person who once betrayed depends on the motivation, reasons and the situation of betrayal or deception itself, as well as on the person’s personal characteristics and the feelings present. With the exception of rare situations of planned betrayal, the perpetrators themselves do not consider their actions to be something bad, and if you still try to see not only your own injured party, but also the reasons for the one who allegedly betrayed, you can reduce the level of resentment and claims.
Not only different semantic and life concepts provide the basis for actions that are unexpected for another, but also the emotional state of a person. A colleague is not going to intentionally rat you out in front of his superiors, but if they have been shouting at him for twenty minutes and blaming him for all the sins and failure of the corporation, then reporting shortcomings in the work of others is a defensive reaction in a stressful situation, an attempt to somehow save your own psyche from frustration .
In principle, by trusting, we ourselves give a person the opportunity to betray - trust disappears where the other does not live up to our expectations, and we impose them on the other without informing or consulting whether he can fulfill them. When you have not emphasized that you should not discuss your experiences with others, the story can be considered a betrayal. But you didn’t forbid doing this, and the motives could have been to find help to get you out of this situation.
If you have never discussed your future together, the requirements of fidelity and general views on interaction, then the presence of a second passion for him can be considered as a betrayal, but this may turn out to be normal for him. After all, it was only you who came up with fidelity, but for someone else, your relationship may still look like the initial stage, when there is freedom of choice. To avoid this kind of betrayal, you should constantly clarify your requirements and even seemingly self-explanatory points.
The situation is different in situations where all actions seem to be regulated, for example, in war. There it is not customary to abandon others, hide or hand over important information, it is recorded and voiced, every person follows this code. However, there are situations when the personal predominates - under threat to the life or health of loved ones, during prolonged torture, with post-traumatic stress and other other conditions, a person is not able to control his behavior by volitional effort. Yes, this can be considered a betrayal, but if you put yourself in the person’s shoes, it may turn out that you would give up faster.
And of course, we should not forget about such reasons for betrayal as personal gain and advancement. When the explanation does not include either the situation or the emotional state, and the person simply goes towards the intended goal. Perhaps this is true betrayal, carried out consciously.
Anna Parshina (Uzbekova)
City: Moscow Types of activity: psychologist-consultant, leader of psychological groups, supervisor Specialization in psychological approaches and areas: Gestalt therapy
Author's website:
World of people
Source:
https://www.mirludey.org
Trust is a risky action that changes the distance between people. Is it worth taking this action? When, how, who and why to trust? Who has more power in a relationship – the trusting one or the distrusting one?
I’m faced with my mother’s question: “Why did you poke an umbrella into the poop?” How to explain? — I expand the horizon of my worldview.
Trust is a risky action - we open up to another person, trust our personal stories, money, child, responsible business. Trust means before faith - that is, we don’t know how other people will respond to this trusting action of ours. Maybe with support and understanding, or maybe with rejection and criticism. Trust is always a risk! However
Trust risk can have varying degrees
It can be useful to be aware of what you are actually risking, since unconsciously, in their fantasies, people often experience their risk as either greater or less than it actually is for them.
For example: My friend has been dreaming of seeing New York for many years. However, I was afraid to go apply for a visa (mistrust - what if they refuse?). When we began to find out what he was actually risking, it turned out that only five thousand rubles!!!
When he realized that he was not going towards his dream because of the risk of losing five thousand rubles, he ran like a bullet to the consulate.
Another example: I trust and share another, my story. One day recently I discovered that I was walking down the street with my skirt pulled up (it accidentally rode up from the wind). This is an awkward situation for me, but I am quite resilient in it. I feel rather embarrassed—funny—than unbearably ashamed to talk about it. I approve of my body and that piece of it that was involuntarily visible, and the fact that I unwittingly find myself periodically in ridiculous situations.
I know that someone will sympathize with me, will remember themselves in such incidental situations, someone will be embarrassed, and someone will laugh at me.
To trust is to be prepared for both desired and undesirable reactions.
Since I have enough self-support within the story described above, the degree of risk for me to tell is small - it’s easy for me to entrust this story to anyone. However, if there was less support (unbearably embarrassing), it would be more difficult to tell, and I would choose as listeners those who would most likely support me (rather than write here for everyone). And if I wasn’t sure that this chosen someone would support me, I wouldn’t trust this story to anyone at all. So, it turns out that
Trust can come with varying degrees of risk.
Example: if I am a rich person, then there is little risk for me to entrust another 7 thousand rubles in debt. Because 1) 7 thousand for me, a rich person, is a trifle. 2) I’m ready that (he) won’t return it – it’s not a big loss. However, if my monthly salary is 7 thousand rubles, then risking entrusting them to me, a poor person, is a big risk.
Risk level:
- Determined by us from within
- It is determined by our readiness for an undesirable reaction - whether we can, if anything, withstand this undesirable reaction.
Distrust is the absence of risky actions
For example, hiding some information about ourselves, distrusting others help us in most matters. As a result, mistrust leads to an independent solution to a difficult issue for us (since we do not risk trusting another for the sake of receiving support/help).
Example: As one of the participants in my therapeutic group said, she does not want to burden good people - other group members with important and dramatic stories for her, because if they do not save and help her in response to her story, then she will be disappointed and angry on them, and then it will be difficult for everyone.
We do not trust because we are afraid of encountering an undesirable reaction - use, lack of help, understanding, support, interest in us.
Why trust others?
And here we come to another important question: why should we take such risks by trusting others? After all, in trust there is a risk of getting an undesirable reaction, and this is a real disadvantage. However, there are also advantages, and very significant ones.
Any strong relationship is built on trust, and without it, it fails.
Example: One of the participants in the therapy group, who in the exercise did not trust the other participants with personal stories about herself, said that she was very touched by the trust of the other participants in her. These other participants in the exercise approached her and entrusted her with something personal, including her in a relationship with them. As a result, she developed a lot of warmth towards them and was able to open up in return.
The main way to include another person in a relationship with you is to trust him or her about something.
Trust is a change in distance
When a person trusts something to another, he, thus, CHANGES THE DISTANCE - namely, APPROACHING. In fact, trust is the only way to get closer at the initial stage. What a plus!
If you want to get close to people, trust, and if you don’t trust, reap the fruits of incomprehensibility and loneliness. Or, do not trust and be dependent on people who are more courageous in their trust, who will be the first to trust you, and on whose initiative your relationship will depend in the future.
Example: one of the participants in the therapeutic group at the second meeting mentioned that she believes and feels that her relationships with other group members depend on THEM (an attempt to transfer power). After this statement, the other participants simply did not contact this participant for an hour (they refused to take full responsibility for the relationship with her).
They preferred to communicate with those who took the power to approach by trusting themselves.
Who has more power in a relationship – the trusting one or the distrustful one?
If we consider trust and distrust from the point of view of power and influence in relationships, then the distrustful person seems to have more power at first (he does not open up, and is, as it were, invulnerable), but he does not take and in the future does not have the POWER to change the distance at his own discretion - approach the person. And in this sense, the one who trusts (approaches) is freer! He can approach (trusting) and move away.
Many people, especially those who have experienced a negative reaction in their parental family in response to their trust (they were criticized, humiliated, rejected, deceived, cold in response to their trust), find it very difficult to trust people. Even understanding that a given person is completely safe, it can be difficult to overcome some internal barrier and open up.
Only by taking the risk of trusting something new can we change our lives for the better
By repeating old patterns of behavior, we get the same result. The movie “Always Say Yes” is about just that. By deciding to trust a new experience, we really change our lives. By repeating old experiences, we remain in place.
Example: Scientists conducted an experiment with a shark that was placed in an aquarium. Once in the aquarium, the shark studied its size from the inside, and then swam lengthwise and crosswise, without touching the glass walls.
After some time, a glass partition was placed in the aquarium, dividing the aquarium into two halves, in one of which our shark remained. The shark hit this partition, trying, out of habit, to swim throughout the entire space of the aquarium;
Time passed, and the scientists removed the partition. However! The shark continued to swim in the narrowed space of “its” half, and no longer made attempts to swim into the previously fenced, and now FREE half of the aquarium.
In people, we, psychologists, call this behavior a pattern of behavior. Having gained experience of rejection, criticism, deception, a person stops taking the risk of trusting and “probing” each new person for safety - criticism, rejection, etc., checking whether this very partition is there? And decide EVERY TIME AGAIN: if there is, do not trust, because it is dangerous and unreasonable, and if suddenly not, then allow yourself new valuable experience, help, friendship and sincere communication.
How can you reduce your risk by trusting someone else?
You can, of course, not trust at all, but wait until the other one opens up and proves that he can be trusted. However, usually others are in no hurry to do this, because it is not safe for them either. Sometimes it’s sad - it’s funny to watch how two people look at each other with interest for a long time, and then nothing happens between them.
However, there are more constructive ways to help yourself trust another:
Method 1: Increase your self-support
To greatly simplify it, it means something like this:
- Treat yourself with love, understanding and condescension - accept your weaknesses and imperfections, give yourself the right to them, and also give yourself the right to make mistakes.
Example: I told you my story with my skirt pulled up, perhaps in vain, perhaps you did not understand me, but I wanted it that way, I accept myself this way.
It sounds simple, but as a rule, in order to actually feel peace and acceptance of oneself by everyone, serious work with self-esteem is required.
- Believe that you, if anything, can withstand a negative reaction in response to your trust, and not crumble.
Something like this: “yes, this person criticized me, let me down (such a scoundrel), but I’m still good, I love and respect myself, and there are other people who understand and support me.”
