What does self-confidence mean?
Do you think a person who doesn’t trust anyone can be called pleasant? Hardly. Surely this is a gloomy subject with a suspicious look, capable of expecting tricks even from a baby. Distrust of people is a repulsive trait.
Meanwhile, according to psychologists, distrust of people stems from distrust of... oneself. What kind of quality is this and how can you learn to trust yourself and people?
Attempts to define the concept
Psychologists explain the concept of self-confidence in different ways. Some believe that this is the ability to perceive your needs and desires as the greatest value. Although, as for me, this is rather evidence of self-respect and self-love.
Others are sure that only an honest person who does not engage in self-deception can have confidence in himself. Still others believe that this character trait arises under one condition - when the conscience is clear. Fourth – when you manage to accept yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses.
Addition
Why doesn't a person trust? Most often, precisely because he has already encountered deception and betrayal in his life. However, not all people who have had negative experiences in the past withdraw into themselves and stop seeing and communicating with others. Although this also happens.
For example, a man no longer wants to build serious relationships with women due to the fact that his beloved girl did not wait for him from the army. The latter believes that all representatives of the fair sex can do the same. But, fortunately, this is not the case. Moreover, when people have such fear of building new relationships and meeting another person, they definitely need to work through this problem with a psychologist and get rid of it. This needs to be remembered.
Where does trust or mistrust come from?
The level of trust depends on a person's life experience. In this sense, the most important experience is acquired in the first year after birth.
It is also believed that from birth a person initially has trust in the world. During this period, the whole world for him is represented by his mother. And if she loves her baby and takes care of him, then trust is not violated. The child even learns to remain without her for a short time and not show concern, knowing that the mother will soon return and will not disappear without a trace.
But if the mother does not show feelings, does not care for the child as she should, then he develops anxiety towards her. In the future, this anxiety is transformed into distrust of the world.
Thus, how calm and comfortable a person felt in early childhood determines his character and worldview, as well as whether he knows how to build relationships with other people.
After betrayal
If a person says that “I don’t trust people because I was betrayed in the past,” then this means only one thing - the burden of disappointments once experienced does not allow the latter to live fully and be happy. In this case we are talking about betrayal of a loved one.
It is possible that a woman was once betrayed by her husband, and after breaking up with him, she was never able to find personal happiness and get married again due to her distrust of the opposite sex. The problem in this case is obvious.
In such a situation, people need to find the strength within themselves and forgive their ex-partner. But it’s still not worth returning to the traitor. Especially if the husband has already cheated on his wife.
If the offender still repents and asks for forgiveness, then you need to listen to him. This will make things easier for both partners.
There are couples who, having separated due to the betrayal of one of the partners (most often the husband, because men very rarely forgive betrayal), reunite to start a family. But without trust they can no longer build normal relationships. In such a situation, time must pass. It is possible that in a few months the resentment will pass, emotions will subside, and the spouses will be able to build a new harmonious relationship.
Why should you trust?
It is desirable to treat people with trust not at all in order to please them. It is clear that the image of a gloomy subject, looking warily at the entire people, cannot evoke pleasant feelings. But at the end of the day, he doesn't have to be nice and comfortable to everyone. And the point is not this, but the fact that a person who does not trust anyone first of all harms himself.
Judge for yourself: any person needs friendly relationships for psychological comfort. A person is designed in such a way that he needs someone else to whom he can open up, pour out his soul, talk about painful things, and ask for advice. And without mutual trust this is impossible.
Without trusting your partner, you cannot build a family. It’s scary to imagine what the situation might be like in a home where a husband and wife are suspicious of each other. In this case, there is no need to talk about love and spiritual intimacy! And what is it like for children to grow up in such an environment? Contact with them, by the way, is also based on trust.
And a person who does not trust people dooms himself to career failure. Numerous psychological studies indicate that only a close-knit team of like-minded people functions effectively and achieves success. In such a team there is no envy, noisy talk, bullying and other unpleasant things that interfere with business.
Professional achievements, friendship, family, children - basic values. If they are not there, a person does not feel happy. Moreover, the inability to maintain sincere relationships based on trust can even lead to stress and neuroses.
Mistrust in relationships
Different people have different ideas about relationships that can be called ideal, but many people dream about them, seeing their happiness in such relationships. And I completely agree with this, because in, albeit not ideal, but in fairly good relationships, there really is happiness, and these good relationships can be built if you know how. One of the problems in relationships that prevents them from becoming good, reliable, and long-lasting is mistrust. It prevents people from being happy. When there is mistrust in a relationship between people, it haunts both partners. And if people do not learn to trust each other, and most importantly - to justify each other’s trust, their relationship most likely will not last long. Let us, dear readers, figure out together why mistrust arises in relationships and what should be done with it so that it does not harm them.
First, you and I must understand the cause of mistrust in relationships. Nothing happens in this world by itself, everything has its own reason, and by studying it, we can prevent the occurrence of a condition that we do not need. So why does mistrust arise in relationships? There are several reasons for this.
Firstly, this is a person’s life experience. He will inevitably influence how his relationships with people in the present and future will develop. Very often, when turning to me for help, people refer to their difficult lives, which forced them, as they say, to become distrustful and suspicious. In principle, our life is really arranged in such a way that we cannot trust anyone in it. It is very dangerous. But we have to do this, because without trust, it is almost impossible to do business and communicate with people. We still have to trust someone. Moreover, if you are getting married or getting married, you must be confident in your future husband or your future wife! Otherwise, why do you even connect your fate with this person? But when a person has a huge negative experience of communicating with people behind him, he is afraid to believe, afraid to trust, afraid to fall in love and love. He tends to see other people as his enemies rather than as friends and allies. Fear caused by certain negative experiences in the past poisons people's lives and does not allow them to look confidently into the future; it constantly reminds them of what happened to them in the past so that they are ready to protect themselves from a similar threat in the future. Therefore, if you were deceived, betrayed, humiliated, used in the past, then your relationships in the present and future will inevitably be affected by this negative life experience. You will doubt the honesty and integrity of your partner, no matter how ideal he may be, and who by his behavior will not even give a hint that he can deceive you. But it will still be difficult for you to trust him, it will be difficult for you to look at him with a pure look, not spoiled by past experience. And therefore you will put pressure on him with your distrust, you will undermine your relationship with him with your suspicion, jealousy, and pickiness. Tension will arise between you, based on your life experiences. It may also happen that your partner will put pressure on you because of his negative life experiences, or that you both will put pressure on each other.
Secondly, and this is much more important, or better said - more precisely than the above reason - this is the betrayal that has already taken place in your relationship with your partner. Either you, or he, could have betrayed you at some point, and both of you will never forget it. In some cases, both partners may have betrayed each other, one or more times, and this betrayal naturally greatly and permanently undermines the partners' trust in each other. It’s one thing when you encountered betrayal in the past, which was associated with another person, with other people, you can somehow move away from this. And you will feel completely different if your current partner has already betrayed you. This is an experience you will definitely not forget as long as you live with this person. In this case, the fear of betrayal will be absolutely justified. There’s nothing to even comment on here, if a person betrayed you once, that means he’s capable of it, and since he’s capable of it, that means he can betray you next time. And as life shows, this is exactly what happens in most cases - people who betrayed once betray again. Although, there are exceptions, which I will discuss in more detail below, and which you need to be able to calculate from this rule. Well, if the same person betrayed you two, three or more times, then what kind of trust can we even talk about, then this word should be forgotten. In this case, it is appropriate to talk about how to live in a state of distrust of a partner, and whether it is worth living like this at all, and not about how to start trusting someone who cannot be trusted, someone who is not trustworthy.
Thirdly, a person may not trust his soulmate, and indeed all the people in his life, because of his own problems, complexes, fears, real and/or imaginary shortcomings, as well as because of the feeling that no one cares about you loves, does not respect, does not appreciate, and no one in this world needs you. In general, a person’s weakness, first of all, spiritual, moral and intellectual weakness, forces him to fear a mass of all kinds of threats, including the threat of betrayal, from which he does not know how to protect himself. That is, the lack of trust in a partner, in fact, may not have any serious grounds, and then this problem needs to be solved not with the partner, arranging scandals and interrogations for him about his every action or word he said, but with himself. I know from experience that not many people accept that their lack of trust in their partner is based more on a problem with themselves rather than something their partner does or says. It’s easier for them to blame everything on other people who, through their actions, words, and generally awkward body movements, allegedly undermine their trust. But this, as you understand, is a dead end situation. If your partner is not guilty of anything to you, then why should he make excuses to you, why should he adapt to your internal problems, trying all the time to guess what his actions will affect you? Is a normal relationship possible under such tension?
Fourth, a person may not trust others because he does not trust himself. And he doesn’t trust himself because he himself constantly deceives, betrays, cheats, uses. Such a person sees his own reflection in other people. We tend to judge other people by ourselves, so we often believe that if in a given situation we are capable of, say, cheating on our partner, then he, our partner, will also definitely do this in exactly the same situation. And not only in the same situation, but in general. Some people simply cannot understand that other people can be completely different - not like them. If, for example, you constantly deceive and betray everyone, and consider this to be the norm for yourself, then I assure you that there are people in this world who do not act this way and do not consider it necessary to act this way. Yes, we are all not perfect and are prone to deception, betrayal, betrayal, a person is too weak to be very correct. But this does not mean that everyone is doing just this, that is, betraying, deceiving, cheating. There are people, there really are, who do not betray their husbands or wives and do not cheat on them. Is it hard to believe? But you have to believe, because such people, I assure you, exist. Become such a person, not for the sake of someone else, but for your own sake. By learning to trust yourself, you will teach other people to do the same. And most importantly, you will have the moral right to demand honesty and loyalty from other people.
And finally, fifthly, a person may not trust his partner due to pathological jealousy that has no objective basis. Actually, this problem is related to the third point, but I decided to consider it separately. The fact is that very often the cause of jealousy is the jealous person’s lack of confidence in himself. And without solving this problem with self-doubt, a person will not get rid of unreasonable jealousy, as one of the forms of fear. He will be jealous because he will be afraid for his future, he will be afraid of losing his partner. But a self-confident person will not be jealous even in cases where there is every reason for jealousy, because such a person knows that he can always find a replacement for a traitor, a traitor, a liar. I have also come across situations where a person can be very jealous because of his beliefs. Yes, yes, because of convictions. This is when there are people around you, frankly narrow-minded, who say about all men or all women that they are all so bad, I emphasize - that they cannot be trusted. And you, constantly hearing this, begin to believe it. Especially in childhood, we are strongly impressed by everything we see and hear around us. They will convince you that all men are traitors, or all women are bitches, and you will think, not know, but think that this is really so. And even if life shows you the fallacy of these beliefs that have become yours, it is far from a fact that you will abandon them. There is another reason why people experience pathological jealousy - this is the Ego. A person may have a very high opinion of himself and, because of this, place too high demands on his partner, failure to fulfill which will automatically cause distrust of him. That is, in this case, a person can be jealous of everything that clings to his Ego, even of the completely harmless communication of his partner with the opposite sex.
And here is another very important, and at the same time very subtle point to which I want to draw your attention, dear readers. You will not learn about this in any psychology textbook; in any case, I did not find anything similar in the psychological literature. What I will tell you about is the result of my own observations of people, as well as the result of my study of other sciences about man. We are talking about a person’s need for feelings associated with distrust of people, such as jealousy, anger, resentment, mental anguish and others. I did not include this reason for mistrust in the general list of reasons described above, because, as I already said, this is a very subtle point. It must be studied separately. Its essence is that people do not always realize that having tuned in to a wave of distrust in their partner and in people in general, they begin to feed on the emotions and sensations associated with this distrust. Scandals, screams, fights, mutual accusations, suspicions, sometimes so absurd that they cannot even be refuted, all this captures a person, and he begins to live by it. And even when there is objectively nothing to complain about, he finds a reason to make a scandal, to blame his partner for something, to find something to be offended by, something to be jealous of. This is also the need for suffering - to feel like a victim of circumstances, a victim of deception, a victim of betrayal. That is, a person plunges into a depressive state and remains in it, receiving specific pleasure from it. In general, in this case, a psychologist can and definitely should help a person, a married couple. He must reconfigure a man and a woman, or one of them, to another - a more benevolent and positive wave, so that the need awakens in a person, in people - for normal, trusting relationships. So that they begin to enjoy not from mental pain and suffering, but from joy, love, goodness and harmony.
Now, friends, let’s, taking into account all of the above, discuss in more detail the solution to the problem of mistrust in relationships, so that each of you for whom it is relevant can solve it.
If you don't trust your partner, which is why your relationship with him is suffering, ask yourself - why don't you trust him? Yes, yes, not - why, but precisely - why. The whole point is that you may initially be inclined to distrust people, because, as mentioned above, your life experience, because of your personal problems, because you yourself are the kind of person who you cannot be trusted, and especially because of your desire to receive the sensations associated with distrust of people. Therefore, I want to put the question of your desire at the forefront, and not the objective reasons that make you distrust your man or your woman. You must clearly and clearly understand your desires in order to know what exactly you are doing in order to not trust your partner. Perhaps you don't trust him because you don't want to trust him. Perhaps you are accustomed to living in the state of an offended, humiliated, deceived, oppressed person, and it has become natural for you, and one might even say that it is comfortable. If this is so, then you definitely need to change your attitude towards yourself and towards life in order to stop loving pain and suffering. You do not need to move away from a state of distrust to a state of trust, I do not urge you to do this, I do not urge you to rashly trust people, I want you to decide for yourself whether you want to objectively assess reality or not. If your partner is not trustworthy, you don’t need to trust him! But first you need to make sure that he really does not deserve your trust. There is no need to endow a person with certain qualities without knowing him completely. Therefore, pay attention to how you generally relate to people, who you see in them, who you want to see in them, and why you want to see someone specific in them? The traitor lives in each of us, but not each of us allows this traitor to manifest itself. And if you are looking for a traitor in your partner, you will find him. Not only that, but you can even turn your partner into a traitor if you want to. So, either yourself or with the help of a psychologist, sort out your views on life, your desires, both conscious and unconscious, and your value system.
A lot also depends on your interpretation of certain actions of your partner. A simple example: let’s say that your ex-man or your ex-woman cheated on you. And when this happened, you could not reach him or her by phone. And you realized for yourself that if you cannot reach your partner, it is only because, or most likely because, he is cheating on you. Therefore, when you start a new relationship, with another man or with another woman, if you cannot reach your new partner, you will begin to suspect him of cheating. This will happen automatically, because this is the only way you can interpret the inability to reach your man or your woman; you simply don’t have any other experience, no other understanding of this situation. That is, the negative experience of the past, plus your own conclusions based on certain actions of your partner, can cause you to have completely unfounded distrust of him. It is not at all necessary that your partner is cheating on you if you cannot reach him by phone, or if he is late at work, or if he corresponded with someone on the Internet, and so on and so forth. But you can see the problem in all this. Because you will make a problem out of it. Do you understand what mistakes we tend to make, erroneously interpreting certain actions of our partner, this or that information related to him? So, before you develop distrust in your brain towards a person - your partner, and even more so, demonstrate it to him - find the strength within yourself to calm down your emotions and take the time to understand the reasons and essence of each specific situation that causes you anxiety. Only after carefully studying all the information you know about your partner and his actions, decide on your attitude towards him. I can tell you from experience that very often the mistrust between partners that causes serious problems in their relationship is not supported by any significant facts that prove the validity of their accusations against each other, and essentially arises out of the blue. And all because people judge each other superficially, in some cases biasedly, and often mistakenly interpret each other’s actions.
As for mistrust based on the real treacherous acts of one of the partners in the past, in this case, it is important to decide together with him how you will live further. Yes, it’s difficult to trust a person who has already betrayed you once, and for good reason. Indeed, having betrayed once, many people betray again; these are the laws of nature. Scorpio stings, traitor betrays. But there are people who are aware of their mistakes, and who, if they are dear to you, deserve forgiveness. Therefore, learn to forgive. It sounds, of course, simple - to forgive the one who betrayed you. It's simple in words, but not simple in practice. Understand. But you will also understand - if a person learned a lesson from the mistake he made and agreed that his betrayal was precisely a mistake he committed out of stupidity, and not an act that he simply could not hide from you, then most likely he will will not make this mistake again. But a person who has not made any mistakes in his life is, theoretically, more prone to making them. Without learning the lessons of life, it is difficult to learn something. Anyone can betray, but not everyone will condemn their betrayal and learn a lesson from it. Therefore, I repeat, the main thing is for a person to learn a lesson from his mistakes, and not pretend that he has learned it. We can all stumble, no one is immune from this, but the betrayal of a person, committed by him out of stupidity and inexperience, is not a reason to give up on him. Therefore, my advice to you is to forgive those who sincerely repented of their bad actions towards you, such people deserve forgiveness. Well, if you see that a person is capable of betraying you again, in the future, when such an opportunity presents itself, and that he can no longer be corrected, decide for yourself whether you want to live with him or not. When we talk about those who betray and deceive, we must understand that these are people who can never be trusted; they can either be accepted or should be abandoned.
If your distrust of your partner is caused by your own problems, then solve these problems. Don’t make your partner suffer because you are not confident enough in yourself, that you have a lot of complexes, fears, and various kinds of shortcomings that do not allow you to feel like a full-fledged person. Contact psychologists, this is what they exist for, to solve your problems. Just first realize this, realize that the mistrust in the relationship between you and your partner is caused by your real or imaginary shortcomings, your internal problems. It is always difficult for people to admit their own guilt in their problems, but we need to learn to do this in order to get out of dead-end situations into which our internal problems can drive us. We are all, to one degree or another, so to speak, defective; people with an ideal psyche, I am sure, do not exist. Therefore, if you feel that there is something you don’t like about yourself, that you are imperfect in some way, or that your thoughts about yourself are too bad, contact a psychologist, let him work with you, let him help you get rid of all these problems . Do not shift your personal problems onto your relationship with your partner, do not destroy what is very difficult to build. And trust between people, trust in relationships between a man and a woman is indeed a very complex structure that requires great sacrifices, patience and understanding.
Now, let's talk about what kind of person you are. If you always deceive and betray everyone, then you probably suspect other people that they also want to deceive you and can betray you. And you know what - you have every right to think so. Indeed, how can you be honest with someone who deceives everyone? If you sow evil, you will receive evil. Therefore, if you want to have a trusting relationship with your partner, become an example for him and this relationship. And only after this, understand one simple thing - people are not judged by themselves. Of course, we attract those people to ourselves and are attracted to them ourselves, who are similar to us in some way. Therefore, if you are a liar and a traitor, then there is a high probability that you will be surrounded by the same liars and traitors. But since everything in life is much more complicated, you may well meet an honest and decent person in life, who will not even think of deceiving and betraying you. But you can ruin everything if you constantly suspect this person of deception and betrayal, thinking about him the same way you think about yourself. People often become what we ourselves make them. Our attitude towards people greatly affects their behavior with us, so never, by your attitude towards a person, make him into someone you do not want to see in him. Moreover, do not try to see yourself in other people. And, of course, don’t do to other people the way you don’t want them to do to you. And then everything will be fine, if not perfect, then at least good.
And finally, let's talk again about what kind of atmosphere you want to live in - in an atmosphere of constant distrust of your partner, or in an atmosphere of goodness, joy and happiness? Do you think it depends on the actions of your partner, or on the actions of other people? You're wrong, it's up to you. The kind of world you will live in depends on you. Be yourself - an ideal husband or an ideal wife. Or at least strive for this - do not deceive your partner, do not cheat on him, do not betray him, do not use him, do not manipulate him! In short, be someone you can trust. Whether your partner will appreciate your honesty or not is another question. If he doesn’t appreciate you, he has no place next to you.
How to learn to trust
Lack of trust is not a death sentence. Many people who did not receive the necessary dose of love in childhood enter adulthood with a lack of trust in others. But they have the power to change their attitude towards the world. To do this you need to start taking action.
Psychologists consider the following technique to be effective in helping to develop trust.
1. Think about where your mistrust came from. Perhaps it is associated with negative experiences with other people. But if someone deceived you, this does not mean that you need to suspect the entire population of our planet of dishonesty. This is how immature – childish – thinking manifests itself. Global conclusions cannot be drawn based on one or two cases.
Psychologists recommend analyzing the unpleasant situation that happened to you, “replaying” it and “letting go”, at the same time forgiving the offender.
2. Write down on paper what psychological attitudes prevent you from showing trust. Well, for example, such phrases: “We live in a world where lies and deceit reign,” “I am surrounded by crooks who strive to deceive and steal,” “People by nature are greedy and self-interested; move”...
Now try to prove the fallacy of each of these judgments. Surely you will remember cases when a bag of groceries that was forgotten in a supermarket was returned to you, or when a seller on his own initiative offered you a discount on a quality product, or when you were given the bottom bunk in a train compartment... If you think carefully, there are such cases that prove selflessness, honesty and the kindness of others, one can cite a huge number.
3. Try to turn off the strict “censor” in yourself, who tends to see a catch and a bad meaning in everything. Criticism towards people is good in moderation. Set yourself up for a positive perception of a particular person. Tell yourself: he never let me down, never betrayed my trust, that’s why I trust him. Remember the presumption of innocence.
This is what the process of re-education looks like. It is clear that no one is calling for throwing away all caution in relationships with unfamiliar people. But getting rid of excessive distrust, which threatens to develop into pathological, will be a blessing. This may require consultation with a psychologist. But the main thing is the desire to change. And it's worth the effort.
What causes jealousy?
You are not confident in yourself
Licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers writes 3 prime reasons why people get jealous / Psychology Today that people with low self-esteem can also feel insecure in relationships. They believe that they are not good enough to attract a partner and maintain his interest over time.
You need to control everything
One partner worries about his place in the world of the other. Perhaps a person had a disturbing experience as a child and now thinks that he cannot be trusted, because at any moment someone else may be chosen over him.
Anastasia Popova
Psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist at Family Medical Center.
But it's not just anxiety. This is an attempt to control the actions of the other party. Fear of other people's freedom and rebellion against it.
You are too attached to your partner
Constant groundless jealousy can arise due to excessive attachment, when one cannot separate from the other and lives his life.
If you constantly interfere in the life of your partner, prohibiting you from meeting with friends and spending time separately, there is a high chance of ruining the relationship. There is nothing wrong with a couple having common interests. But everyone should also have their own hobbies.
You project your own repressed desires onto your partner
Family psychotherapist Anastasia Popova notes that jealousy can arise due to the projection of one’s own state and suppressed sexual desires onto another person. Without admitting it to ourselves, we want to go to the left, but we attribute this to our satellite.
You have obsessive thinking
Jealousy can be a consequence of obsessive (obsessive) thinking. Psychologist Seth Meyers recalls 3 prime reasons why people get jealous / Psychology Today a case with a patient who was jealous of her partners in all her relationships. She also showed some signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder. When her husband came home late and stayed late, she could not come to terms with not knowing what and where he was doing. So I filled in the gaps and thought it out myself. She took the facts from her head, and then she was jealous and worried. She herself created disturbing thoughts and reasons for worry when she was faced with the most terrible circumstance for this type of person: the unknown.
Also, according to the specialist, jealousy can be caused by a person’s general paranoid state.
There is a real reason for jealousy
Perhaps the most logical reason: there really is a justified reason for jealousy. Maybe this is unambiguous correspondence with someone else, an unforgotten betrayal, or irrefutable evidence of infidelity.
Trust means
...relax control. This is especially necessary for women who are accustomed to being responsible for everything and keeping everyone under control: husband, children, dog, cat. It seems that if you loosen control, everything will go awry.
In fact, when you stop controlling everyone, you will feel a huge sense of relief. Life will sparkle with colors, you will have a lot of time for yourself. And household members who have gotten rid of excessive care, in turn, will learn to be responsible for their actions;
…allow others to make mistakes, learn from them and be responsible for them. People are not perfect. They may stumble, but they need to be given a chance to improve.
What should be done?
The most interesting thing is that life in society is quite difficult for distrustful people. They want to constantly control others and thus constantly forget about themselves. But to learn to trust people, you need to allow them to make mistakes. Once a person stops controlling others, he will have more time for himself.
In addition, you need to remember that there are no ideal people, and therefore everyone can make mistakes. But you need to be able to forgive. Even if after a certain bad deed a person does not communicate with a friend, acquaintance, colleague, then there is no need to hold a grudge against them for a long time.
It is also worth learning to understand people. After all, if a woman was betrayed by her husband or girlfriend, this does not mean at all that other people can do the same. The main thing is to monitor what a person does not say, but does. You only need to evaluate actions and actions.
A person you can trust will always come to the rescue in difficult times, will not leave you in trouble, will not gossip behind your back, and will always keep his promise. You should not maintain any kind of relationship with envious people, as well as people who constantly deceive and do bad things, so as not to be disappointed later. This needs to be remembered.
Is it even normal to be jealous?
It all depends on the intensity and frequency of jealousy. Sometimes jealousy can be very dangerous because one of its components is anger. A person who experiences jealousy, especially at a high intensity, may harm himself or others who he feels are connected to his suffering.
Therefore, if you or your loved one often loses their temper, and talking does not help, then it is better to take one more step - the two of you contact a specialist and discuss the problems with an experienced professional.
Who is guilty?
It happens, of course, that your loved one does things that make you jealous. Most likely, the reason here lies in different ideas about what is “permissible.” For example, a young man may think that a girl should not go to visit her friend for an overnight stay, but in the model of close relationships of the girl herself, this is quite natural.
You can try to resolve such situations by talking. Step three - talk to each other about it.
Tell your loved one about specific situations in which distrust of him or her arises, explain why you feel jealous. After such a conversation, it is likely that you can agree on how to continue communication further.
What if everything happens again?
A person who experiences jealousy often does not believe that he is truly valuable to his partner. The reasons for such feelings may be related to past experiences and not directly related to the current friend or lover.
It is quite difficult to cope with such experiences, because there are polar feelings here: we want to trust a loved one, and at the same time, from our experience, we “know” that this is unreliable, that we can be deceived, and it will be painful.
In this case, it is more difficult to figure out the problem on your own. Therefore, step two is to discuss the problem with experienced adults, contact a school psychologist or psychotherapist.
They will certainly help you sort out the complex of your experiences, and then you can feel more confident in the relationship.
Negative and positive aspects of jealousy
Is this emotion always negative? Figuratively speaking, jealousy is a seasoning. If you dose it, then life together can become more “tasty” and exciting. However, if this spice is consumed excessively, no one will eat the dish.
In addition, jealousy can play a positive role when a person realizes his shortcoming, reconsiders his own behavior and changes his view of the relationship with his partner. But to do this, you need to understand the negative consequences of jealousy.
Negative aspects include a number of factors.
- A jealous person feels constant mental discomfort, since his entire existence is poisoned by mistrust and fears. The occurrence of stress and even somatic diseases is possible.
- The consequence of jealousy is envy. At the same time, a jealous girl or young man envy everyone with whom a loved one has a good relationship. Envy is an extremely unproductive and destructive emotion that pushes you to undesirable actions.
- A jealous person always depends on a partner (close person). Any insult is multiplied tenfold, and every compliment and pleasant words act like a drug. As a result, a painful, destructive relationship is formed.
- A jealous person often destroys relationships. Few people want to be controlled, bullied, or suspected of non-existent sins. As a result, marriages break up, friendships collapse, and parent-child relationships deteriorate.
Thus, we can draw a brief conclusion: jealousy is justified only if it increases the lovers’ passion for each other or stimulates a person to work on himself. But it is important that it is temporary.
In all other situations, this feeling only poisons the human soul, leads to numerous problems with the psyche and physical health, and destroys love and friendships. Therefore, it is better to get rid of it.
