When a person is dissatisfied with everything and criticizes everything, what does this mean?

Loss of valuables

Sometimes we think we know how to behave in a given situation, but suddenly something happens that completely unsettles us, and as a result we do the wrong thing.

For example, imagine a situation where a colleague comes to you for professional help. In this situation, you gain a choice (you agree to help him), you are pleased that he chose you and want to be useful (involvement) and you get the opportunity to share your knowledge (competence).

But if suddenly the situation becomes more complicated or begins to develop not according to plan, for example, a colleague changes his mind about using your services, then all three motivation factors will suffer greatly. In such a situation, it is quite difficult to maintain your own motivation.

The habit of criticizing - where does the negative perception of the world come from?

There are many reasons that prompt us to look for flaws in everything that surrounds us.

Dissatisfaction with one's own life. Each of us has dreams and desires, but some can realize them, while others cannot. Sometimes established stereotypes get in the way, and we refuse to implement our plans, and then, when we learn that someone else was able to do what we refused, we attack this person with criticism. Very often this happens out of envy (even unconsciously) - wow, I couldn’t do it, but she did it!

Fear. Often the most ardent critics are those who are afraid of this very criticism. This also happens unconsciously - you feel irritated only because this person has qualities that you would like to get rid of.

Family problems. The child adopts the behavior of his parents. If mom is constantly dissatisfied with something, and dad always criticizes everyone, then the child will see only negative things in life.

Disappointment in life. Very often, when we reflect on what was successful and what was not in life, it turns out that many goals were never achieved. Disappointment sets in and we begin to meticulously examine those around us, trying to prove to ourselves that many things in life have not worked out for others.

What is this dissatisfaction?

Discontent

- once a feeling, once an expression of dissatisfaction with a situation, people, circumstances, etc. Usually occurs in a person with a low emotional tone when the desired and real situation do not coincide.

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Problems

Now let’s look at the most common problems in setting goals that can seriously interfere with achieving results.

1 The goal is too specific

If the goal is set very narrowly, then a person may miss other, very important points. To avoid this mistake, try to gather as much information as possible about your potential target.

2 The goal is too narrow

When you focus on only one problem, you stop noticing others that can also be very important. For example, in one experiment, two groups of students were asked to read a paragraph of text. At the same time, some were asked to find only grammatical errors, and others - all possible ones. Of course, the second group coped with the task better. Because their task was not too narrow.

To avoid this mistake, try to compare your narrow goals with global ones and find a connection between them.

3 Too many goals

People who have too many goals end up focusing on just one, and statistically, some types of goals are ignored much more often than others. In one study, researchers set several goals for volunteers: they had to select stocks for investment and at the same time count the number of portfolios processed and the accuracy of this processing. When the two goals together were found to be unattainable, participants neglected accuracy in favor of quantity.

To avoid this mistake, try to set a minimum number of goals (2-3 per month) and monitor the implementation of each of them.

4 Narrow time period

For example, people with flexible wages often choose to work more hours on high-earning days and fewer hours on low-earning days. At first glance, this is logical, but if during this period you do not focus on time and consider the total income on different days, you can reduce the total working time and at the same time increase earnings.

To avoid this mistake, compare your short-term goals with your long-term ones and try to find a “golden mean” between them.

5 A very risky goal

Sometimes setting goals can trigger risky behavior and greatly reduce productivity. These are, for example, those cases when tightrope walkers, for the sake of glory, set themselves the goal of conquering a rope at a very high altitude without insurance. Yes, some succeed, but others simply die for the sake of an ambitious goal.

Before you set a goal, think about what you are willing to do for it. And be sure to set a clear boundary that you will not cross.

6 Unethical behavior

People are much more likely to lie about their performance if they have a challenging goal than if they don't have any goal. This also happens in situations where it is not possible to achieve the goal.

To avoid this mistake, simply set ethical boundaries for your behavior up front.

7 Goals Get in the Way of Your Learning

If people are given specific goals, they are less likely to resort to alternative methods to achieve them.

Instead of a very clear goal, just indicate the direction in which you want to develop.

8 Purpose encourages competition

If a person is focused on achieving his specific goal, then he can easily succumb to competition or even change his attitude towards others. In this situation, it is much easier to ensure that your goals coincide with the goals of your team.

9 Goal Setting Hijacks Intrinsic Motivation

Intrinsic motivation can decrease even due to the very fact of setting a goal

Often people simply exaggerate the importance of external incentives in motivation. That is why it is better to turn more often to internal motivation

How to be in the present moment

The study Meditation leads to reduced default mode network activity beyond an active task showed that meditation helps reduce DMN activity. Moreover, the effect is noticeable both during and after practice.

Moreover, since meditation improves Dynamical properties of BOLD activity from the ventral posteromedial cortex associated with meditation and attentional skills. attention and working memory, increases Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: a review of empirical studies the feeling of well-being and helps fight Meditation programs for psychological stress and well-being: a systematic review and meta-analysis. with anxiety and depression, scientists concluded that these effects are due to decreased DMN activity.

It is not necessary to start meditating in the classical way: sitting in silence and concentrating on the emptiness in your head. Instead, you can focus on your life. And it will be an exciting adventure.

As soon as you turn off your inner chatterbox and immerse yourself in the experience of the moment, you begin to notice a lot of new things: what an interesting timbre of your friend’s voice, how to optimally fold the dishes so that they stop falling out of the closet, what an incredible color the autumn leaves are and how they contrast with the sky . Most of your “wants” fall off by themselves, leaving only what is necessary and important.

We have everything we really want. This is true, but only if we live in the present moment.

Self-affirmation

People with an inferiority complex are prone to constant criticism. This is how they increase their own importance at the expense of others.

And if before your man was not so critical, but now “with or without reason” - this is a matter of self-esteem.

This could have happened for many different reasons: bad luck in bed last Saturday, an unpleasant conversation with his boss this week, or simply the cockroaches running wild in his head.

How to behave in this case? Show that you believe in him. Praise and thank him, nourish his masculinity and admire him.

And even if it seems to you that there is nothing to praise for. Look at the little things. Motivate him to act in such a way that there is a reason for praise. I have said more than once that your femininity is the best fuel for his masculinity.

If you don’t know how to do this yourself and think that he should deserve praise and gratitude, the problem is with you, dear.

Different approaches to online learning

It is impossible to say unequivocally that all online courses are bad. However, it would be more correct to divide them into several key categories. For example, studies have shown that students using a mixed method (online with offline elements) end up achieving quite high results.

But if we talk about completely online learning, then this category is recognized as the most problematic. Classes without the supervision of a teacher require high interest and motivation, and yet no more than 5% of students have the necessary qualities.

However, despite all its shortcomings, online education still remains quite popular and in demand, and in different segments, from the school curriculum to the university course. Still, this saves a lot of time and often allows you to gain the necessary skills almost without leaving production.

How to stop criticizing and learn to enjoy life?

If there is every reason to believe that you are depressed, then it is better to consult a psychologist. If criticism has simply become a habit, then you can deal with it on your own. First, learn to notice the moments when you judge something or someone, take them apart, looking only for the bad. If you notice that you are “carried away” into the negative, immediately try to say something good, positive. Of course, no one forces you to lie and be a hypocrite, lavishing praise left and right. We are talking about unconstructive criticism, when nothing is proposed to improve the situation, and only the bad is noticed.

Every time you feel the urge to criticize someone, try to put yourself in that person’s shoes and understand why they behave the way they do.

If you are already at the stage when you see only the negative in everything, then at least through force, using the method of self-hypnosis, try to look for at least something good in people and in everything that surrounds you. It will be difficult at first, but over time you will begin to notice the positive, talking about it will be much more pleasant than discussing someone.

If possible, try to communicate less with those people who are constantly unhappy with everything. And when you are about to once again express your dissatisfaction with someone, imagine how this scene looks from the outside. It is unlikely that you would want to communicate with such a person...

Psychologists say that recognizing a problem is half solving it. Of course, it will take time to get rid of the desire to look for negativity, but you didn’t develop this habit right away. The main thing is to have a desire, and then you will learn to see the world in bright colors!

How to communicate with people who are unhappy with everything and everyone

Dealing with people who see complete flaws in others and do not consider it necessary to hide it is not easy. And it is not always possible to avoid such unpleasant communication. How to maintain a good mood if you cross paths with a toxic person? Let's talk with clinical psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva .

– Nadezhda, what does psychology say about people whom you don’t feed with bread - let me find a reason for dissatisfaction?

– People who are constantly dissatisfied with everything and like to criticize have an external locus of control. They do not feel responsible for what happens to them, so they often position themselves as the victim. With amazing ease they find those “to blame” for their troubles and failures, often far-fetched.

Such people are confident that those around them should take care of their comfort and well-being. If these expectations are not met, they begin to become indignant and make claims. They strive to control other people even in small things. They are very self-centered - they don’t give a damn about other people’s feelings and interests, the main thing is to emotionally discharge themselves. They cut the truth without thinking that it can be very painful for a person.

They live in a system of numerous strict prohibitions and get very angry if someone lives differently. They expertly clip the wings of those who carelessly entrusted them with their dreams and plans. After their devaluing remarks, it’s easy to grab your head: “How stupid is what I’ve planned!” - and abandon the intended path. Communication with eternally dissatisfied people is like poison, so contacts with them should be minimized, or better yet cut off completely.

– It is not always possible to avoid communicating with those who are always out of sorts - for example, with relatives. How to be in this case?

– Adjust your attitude to what is happening and your strategies of behavior and communication. On the one hand, it is important to remind yourself that relatives are not chosen and a person can change only of his own free will. Therefore, it is better not to indulge in dreams about how one day your loved one will stop being a grouch. He is what he is, he cannot be changed.

On the other hand, you need to regain your locus of control - soberly assess what you can do in the current situation. For example, gently but clearly define the boundaries: “Thank you, I heard you. Let's end this conversation." Or give feedback, indicating your condition: “I don’t like listening to this.” Or separate yourself: “You have one life experience, and I have another, so my opinion does not coincide with yours.”

If communication with a relative always ends in a quarrel, try to keep company with him as little as possible. Everyone has the right to avoid interaction with a toxic person, even if they are related by blood. There is nothing wrong with protecting your peace of mind. Of course, you should not refuse an invitation to a wedding or anniversary just because this relative will be among the guests. Just reduce contact and move conversations to neutral topics.

It happens that complaints and dissatisfaction come from the mother. Well, you have more room for sincerity in communicating with her. Do not under any circumstances develop the brewing conflict, do not utter phrases that will only inflame her: “You are impossible,” “You are disgusting,” “You are disgusting.” Feel yourself in your body, in your mind and resolutely draw boundaries: “Mom, I love and respect you. You have your own experience, your own conclusions. I heard you. Thank you for sharing your opinion. I will think and make my decision myself.”

– Dissatisfied people can meet at work. How to communicate with grumbling colleagues?

– It depends on what level your relationship is, how long and how closely you have known each other. There is an opportunity to ignore communication - take advantage of it. You can, for example, put on headphones and turn on music. If conflict flares up, tactfully set boundaries (aggression will only make things worse). Say a phrase like “The office is a place for work, not for personal bickering. It’s better to take quarrels outside of it.” If you are on friendly terms with a colleague, you can cut him off in a friendly manner, but only based on your own boundaries, i.e. speaking exclusively about himself: “I feel unpleasant,” “It hurts me,” “I’m angry.”

If a colleague makes a complaint, try to find an option that suits both of you. For example, a workmate thinks that you open the window too often, while he sits in a draft and risks catching a cold. Kindly explain that you feel unwell in a stuffy room. And invite the whole office to leave for ten minutes at the agreed time, leaving the window open. The second option is to change places with a colleague during the ventilation period.

Sometimes co-workers make unfounded comments, for example: “Why don’t you rush to wash your cup as soon as you drink your tea? It stands, callused, on the table for a whole hour and a half!” Such attacks indicate a desire to break through your boundaries. Well, you have to defend them: “This is my cup, it’s on my table. And only I can decide how often and how thoroughly to wash it.”

– There are a lot of irritable people in clinics, shops, and public transport. Perhaps they are easiest to ignore?

- Yes. If you don't give them what they crave - attention, they will run out of steam very quickly. But remember that sometimes it is not easy to get rid of such people. They persistently try to involve the intended victim in conflict communication in order to feed on her emotions. Therefore, maintain emotional fortitude. And if you feel discomfort and begin to get irritated, try making a remark, only in an emphatically polite manner. If a person’s behavior goes beyond the bounds of decency, or even more so, is threatening, warn that you will call the police. It is your right to take care of your borders and safety.

Interviewed by Irina Bareyko

... or destructive?

The reasons for such criticism may be hidden not only in your relationship, but also in his internal state. You could have hurt him or offended him with something. But he was hurt and he cannot forgive. Even if he tries hard.

It is very easy to notice and understand if he criticizes:

• on little things;
• without a real reason;
• he is constantly dissatisfied with everything;
• shifts focus from one problem to another;
• criticizes your appearance in a way that really hurts.

And there is no point in asking the questions “What’s wrong with me?” The whole point of criticizing is to hit your self-esteem and instill doubt in you.

If this doesn't work, he may not be interested in a harmonious relationship. There are also cases when a man criticizes, feeling guilty of cheating.

Subpersonality that does not give the right to mistakes

The emergence of the inner critic occurs in childhood. A child, exploring the world and his capabilities, is faced with the expectations of society and the discontent of others when he does not live up to these expectations.

When raising children, adults are guided by a certain set of rules of behavior that they adopted from their parents. And as soon as a child breaks these rules, he is scolded, criticized, shown his dissatisfaction, deprived of encouragement, put in a corner, thus demonstrating that actions outside the rules are punishable. As a result, the little person gains experience: everything that is not included in the “correct” category is fraught with trouble.

Jordan Whitt/unsplash.com

In order to prevent further painful experiences from punishment for “wrong” actions, a protective intrapsychic mechanism is developed that inhibits human activity. This is self-criticism, or the inner critic. Since the child absorbs everything that comes from the outside, his critical voice speaks in the words and intonations of significant people: parents, educators, teachers.

“Shameless, arrogant idiot! You are nothing of yourself!” — a young woman hears her father’s words in her head in situations where she needs to defend her point of view or express her desires. These phrases have been etched into her memory since childhood and emerge against her will, depriving her of strength and self-confidence. These thoughts make her hands and feet cold, her throat constricts, her body turns to stone, like in childhood, and she can’t do anything about it.

A person who was criticized, condemned, and punished a lot in childhood has a lot of doubts about his abilities, skills, usefulness, and dignity. His inner critic is strong and active. He stands guard so that a person does not get into trouble, so that his actions do not again turn out to be wrong. Often this subpersonality deprives us of the ability to do anything at all.

Who should not study online?

Despite the obvious advantages, online education is completely contraindicated for some people. This primarily concerns less prepared students and those who do not have sufficient self-control and organization. Experts made this conclusion during a study based on Chicago schools. Students who failed the exam were divided into two groups to prepare for a retake. As a result, among those who studied online, the failure rate was quite high, but those studying “live” successfully retook the exam.

But for people who are very motivated to study, such courses, on the contrary, can help expand their horizons and acquire new skills.

Nuances of education

A very good reason. If it was customary in his family to communicate at the level of criticism and complaints with or without reason, he will adhere to the same strategy in relationships. Dropped a cup - a bungler, came with a deuce - a fool, a girl refused - “not a man.”

All this becomes fuel for everyday nagging. There are two news: bad and good.

I'll start with the bad: it's impossible to change a man with a snap of your fingers. There is a chance only if he himself realizes the problem and wants to solve it. I’ll tell you a secret: men in general are extremely difficult to change and I strongly do not recommend doing it.

So if you are at the stage of choosing a partner and you no longer like the fact that he criticizes you, teases you, finds fault with you - end this relationship.

The good news: if a man works on himself, and you keep up and change like a woman, his bad habit can be eradicated.

What's it like to live next to a grump?

Now let’s analyze the characters of people who live with bores, endure their endless humiliating nagging and find endless excuses for them. Such people are simply afraid of loneliness to such an extent that they are ready to endure anything so as not to have a scandal and break up. Or such people are too dependent on the bore that they agree to remain silent so as not to be left alone and without content. This option is much worse, of course.

Another category of people is distinguished by their temper and aggressiveness, so they do not perceive a grouch as something abnormal, but quarrel with him every day, considering this the norm of life. Children who observe constant scandals acquire extremes in their psyche: either they become phlegmatic and autistic; or they follow in the footsteps of their parents and achieve everything through scandals.

How to Avoid a Shame Spiral

As you move through the five stages of bereavement, it may happen that some rejection or criticism will set off a chain reaction of negative thoughts and doubts. For example: “I was rejected because my idea was no good. It means I'm mediocre or not smart enough. Of course, I'm mediocre - I failed my final exams. Speaking of exams, I was a failure at school too. Yes, I’m still a loser! I won’t succeed, it’s easier to forget about it.”

If you notice that you have become unreasonably negative towards yourself or, contrary to reason, are looking for evidence of your inadequacy, then you have fallen into a shame spiral. One thought leads to another, as if you are stuck in quicksand and will soon fall headlong. How to get out? Here are some tips:

1. Recognize that you have entered a shame spiral. This spiral begins to unwind when you draw lines from today's failure to the past or allow the current failure to paint everything in dark tones: “Bad day, bad week, whole life is crap.” When you fall into despair, you urgently need to understand that you do not see the truth, but what your mood tells you.
2. Relax and take a deep breath. If you get stuck in quicksand, fill your lungs with air and you won't drown. If you're panicking after being rejected or criticized, taking slow breaths can help you calm down.
3. Take a pause. If you start twitching, you will get stuck even deeper in the sand. After hearing refusal or criticism, do not make hasty movements. Before any important decision, take a pause - allow yourself to experience resentment, anger or disappointment.
4. Find a way to get out. Engage in some kind of restorative activity to lift your spirit and dispel bad moods. If meditation helps you, find balance with it, blow off some steam with a run, or reach out to your trusted circle.

What psychologists say

A person who seeks to humiliate his neighbors, to make a remark, thereby convicting him of negligence or stupidity is a child at heart. In this childishness there is some psychological infantilism, or mental trauma from childhood, when the baby did not receive enough attention and affection. Indeed: children cry and scream when they need attention or are in danger. Nature has designed it so that a child has a piercing, heart-rending cry, to which adults cannot remain indifferent. As children grow older, they intuitively understand that they receive more attention if they cry or scream. Manipulation by adults begins: when a child is bored or wants communication, he begins to be capricious, cry, climb and attract attention to himself so that adults will leave their business and take care of him. By the way, children sometimes experience a lack of attention so acutely that they can get sick just from having their parents around them.

When a child grows up, he is left with subconscious resentment and dissatisfaction. He becomes a capricious teenager, demanding attention with screams and tantrums. And as they grow up, hysterics develop into grumbling and whining. He simply does not know how to express even the good feelings that take possession of him. For example, missing his family after a working day, he would like to get together at the table, have dinner and chat. But it turns out that the daughter went on a date, and the wife started pickling cucumbers, so dinner turned out to be a hasty meal. The picture that emerged so vividly in my imagination did not work out. It turned out that each of the family members was busy with something that evening. And I really wanted attention and communication... Dissatisfaction gave way to irritability and now there was a scandal over improper sterilization of jars and neglect of a child who went for a walk...

This is how little children live inside adults and turn into grumps and mischief-makers!

Psychologists give another explanation for such character traits as grumbling and boringness - excessive secrecy, an attempt to be strong in spirit. This is more often observed in men and refers to their advantages. But a mistake has crept in: this is not an advantage, but a disadvantage, or a cost of family life in which the husband does not consider his wife a friend and cannot trust her with his problems.

Let's take an example. A man went to work in the morning and saw that someone had dented his door in the parking lot. He cursed, was upset about the time lost on hassles with insurance, and went to work. The accountant quit my job, I had to deal with the documents myself, and the supplier also let me down: he filled out the invoices incorrectly and the cargo was detained at customs.

In the evening, a friend called and was upset by the absence of acquaintances at customs, so everything would have to be resolved slowly, officially and as usual. Customers are in a hurry with goods that have not yet arrived. It will take another 5 years to pay for the mortgage, and the child asks for a new bike. The summer holidays are approaching and the wife will soon whine about her dream of going to the sea... And here are all these thoughts and worries for one man on one day.

Yes, he is a man and should be able to resolve everything. Yes, he is a man and should not complain or shift such troubles onto the shoulders of a woman. He doesn’t complain, but keeps everything to himself and “sorts everything out” with dignity. But along the way, he annoys his wife with remarks, grumbles at his neighbor about the hammer drill, and quarrels with the security guard in the store. And subconsciously a man is looking for help, participation, attention. He really wants someone to listen to him and help him, if not with action, then at least with advice or just be silent next to him.

We used a man as an example. In life, such behavior can occur in both women and children. Those. a child may be afraid to talk about problems at school, embarrassed to complain, and outwardly this will be expressed in rudeness and reluctance to make contact. Although he himself is looking for and waiting for this contact. He just doesn’t know how to establish it with loved ones yet.

There are other psychological aspects, due to the imbalance of which the character acquires such a quality as grumbling: increased anxiety and distrust of loved ones. Such people always grumble about improperly washed dishes, improperly hung clothes in the closet, or carelessly sliced ​​bread. It seems to them that only they and no one else can do everything perfectly and correctly. From the outside it may seem that they are overly demanding and pedantic, but in fact they are very insecure people who need support and reassurance. By teaching others, they affirm their life and professional positions.

Whiners, dissatisfied and always suffering

• No time and can't get anything done? Stop surfing the Internet, the phone, playing on the computer and lying on the couch. There will immediately be enough time, just like everyone else.

• Small salary? If you don’t earn well, improve your qualifications, change your job to another and get more. But is it easier to whine than to look for solutions and work?

• Child benefit is pathetic? Before you have sex, think about whether you can raise a child. Nobody promised to feed your children. This is your decision and you give birth to children for yourself, and not for the state, parents or others.

• Poor health? Drink, smoke and party all your life, and then complain about your health? First, pregnant women drink and smoke, and then the whole world collects money for treatment for a child?

• Are banks taking money? There was no point in taking out a new iPhone, car or other similar nonsense on credit. 50% of things that are bought on credit or in installments are not particularly needed by a person.

• Too fat, too thin and bad heredity? How many times do you play sports a week, how do you eat and what kind of lifestyle do you lead? It's easier to complain than to go for a run and go to the gym.

• Do your parents or grandparents help you a little? Your parents gave birth to you and raised you. They are not obligated to give you a car, get you a good job, or move out of their apartment to make room for you.

• Money is tight? Eternal complaints about the small amount of money in your wallet? But the show-off is through the roof. Every weekend at the club, expensive phones, branded clothes, trips to Europe and money down the drain. Maybe show off less or earn more?

People complain about things all the time. If a person constantly complains but doesn’t change anything, then he’s happy with everything. He just likes to whine and get sympathy. He is not looking for a solution, but wants you to feel sorry, help, or join the stream of negative whining.

How to protect yourself from the flow of negativity and whiners?

• Create distance with the whiner. Avoid always dissatisfied people and try not to communicate. Whiners make you weaker and pull you into their abyss of whining.

• Ask for a solution. Ask how the person is going to solve his problem. Usually whiners shut up because they need to complain, not solve the problem.

• Ignore. Sometimes the people closest to you whine. Put on your imaginary defense, nod and smile.

If you like to whine, whine. But step aside and don’t pester people with your tears and snot who want to be happy and enjoy every day in life.

Always dissatisfied with everyone

Why are some people always dissatisfied with everything and live by the principle “it’s bad now, but it will be even worse”? Literally everything turns out to be wrong and brings suffering: queues at the checkout at the supermarket, road repairs, doctors in clinics, the boss, the weather? What is the reason for their pessimism: is it a difficult character, a habit of looking for the bad in everything, or maybe they are depressed? And what to do if such a person is yourself?

Pessimism as a defense

Anxious or pessimistic people often grow up from those who have not been surrounded by the most favorable environment since childhood. The ability not to expect anything particularly good and, on the contrary, to be prepared for the bad, protected their psyche, and often their physical integrity. It’s not very appropriate to enjoy the little things and relax when at any moment a drunk dad can attack you with his fists, an unpredictable grandmother can shout at you, when your mother either scolds or praises you for the same actions, or even completely ignores you.

Therefore, do not rush to condemn grumblers: perhaps their gloomy forecasts, their discontent is simply a way of defense developed over the years. If life begins to improve with age, a person gets used to looking at things more and more balancedly and noticing more good things around him. True, unfortunately, not always.

Pessimism as a manifestation of depression (subdepression)

Depression or a subdepressive state can be a consequence of childhood trauma and living in an unsafe environment: in a dysfunctional family, with drinking or beating parents, in a region where there was a war, or, for example, in extreme poverty. Unfortunately, in such extremely bad conditions for survival, it is really better for a person to be prepared for the worst at all times. But a life of constant stress takes its toll, and eventually the daily threat to your physical or emotional well-being turns into illness.

Depression can also be the result of a single difficult event that occurred recently: the loss of a loved one, be it a breakup or death, being fired from a job, or some kind of personal failure. Or it can appear under severe stress and a change in lifestyle, even when these changes are favorable and desirable: moving to another city or country, changing activities, getting a promotion.

Psychiatrists distinguish the so-called depressive triad, consisting of three main symptoms. The first is a decrease in mood, melancholy, depression, the second is a decrease in physical activity and increased fatigue, and the third is precisely a loss of interest in everything, a negative assessment of the present and future. If you suspect yourself or a loved one has depression, be sure to consult a doctor. The help of a psychologist will also be useful: he will help you live and grieve difficult events if they happened, and in some way “reconfigure” perception. By the way, this is the next point.

Pessimism as a way of thinking

This option may well be a consequence of the previous two. Another pessimistic way of thinking, of course, is highly approved by culture and is practically embedded in tradition: hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst is considered wise and prudent. But fluttering like a dragonfly, enjoying the little things, is a sign of disaster. We all read Krylov’s fable as children and know what hedonism leads to.

With this way of thinking, focusing on the bad seems natural and correct: news about corruption and murders, queues, traffic jams, problems. But good things are perceived with distrust, as if there is probably some kind of catch in it. Have you found a polite and attentive doctor? He will prescribe a bunch of unnecessary tests and prescribe expensive medications. Does your husband share housework equally? He's too good for you, make sure he doesn't get taken away.

Luckily, mindset is something we can influence. Not quickly and not one hundred percent, but we can still do it. Working with a professional psychologist helps with this, as well as written practices that help identify negative feelings and “catastrophic” beliefs. Keeping such diaries and notes often reveals that preparing for the worst that can happen is a labor-intensive and completely ineffective process. And concentrating on pleasant moments supports, gives strength and just better helps to cope with problems.

Pessimism as a subjective experience

Sometimes someone else's experience is very different from yours. And since we tend to make forecasts based on what has already happened to us in similar circumstances, forecasts based on other people’s experience may seem too gloomy to us or, on the contrary, overly rosy. Despite the fact that in the world of another person they will be no more and no less - realistic.

An acquaintance quit her old job with a small safety net and plans to find a new one in a month? This may seem careless and even stupid. Whoever leaves work these days goes nowhere, what does she think about? But perhaps this particular specialist knows for sure that she is in demand on the market, has already done this three times and each time found a new job without any problems. Or, conversely, a woman who easily and successfully became pregnant may sneer at the nervousness of her friend who is planning to conceive. And at the same time, you don’t know that this friend has already had four miscarriages, and she is really scared.

To people with different life histories, the same action or reaction may seem childishly careless, completely justified, or completely pessimistic. If it seems to you that a person is too worried and upset about nonsense, it would be a good idea to carefully ask him about his previous experience. Perhaps his way of thinking will no longer seem so inadequate to you.

The benefits of pessimism

By the way, if you think that you yourself are overly pessimistic, check: are you assessing yourself too negatively? Just out of habit. Remember: perhaps your pessimism has actually served you well more than once: it helped you successfully wait out a crisis, not commit a risky act, it made you doubt a person who really turned out to be unreliable...

But if you realize that dissatisfaction with yourself, the world around you and loved ones is so strong that it interferes with your life, you should think about how to learn to notice the positive sides of what is happening. This is not a struggle with a specific character quality (such attempts to remake oneself are still useless), but rather supplementing the picture of the world with important missing details: “I know about the bad things that happen around me. What's going on that's good? What are my resources, my strengths, the advantages of my relationships in which I am? What support comes from my loved ones?

Knowing the weak or difficult aspects of life and the ability to prepare for them is not a disadvantage at all. But relying on strengths and resources can give a lot. It is important to understand that these are not mutually exclusive things.

How does the inner critic manifest itself?

1. Dissatisfaction with one’s appearance, character, behavior: from mild annoyance to self-hatred. A striking example of this is women who go under the knife of a plastic surgeon in order to remake their body.

2. Feeling of awkwardness and shame at the slightest reason. Hence the ban on pleasure and the realization of one’s own desires as a punishment for one’s wrongdoing. Surely you have met such people.

3. Comparing yourself with others, often not to your advantage. Those around you are initially perceived better in all respects. From here arise relationships built on emotional dependence. And from here the legs of dependence on the opinions of others grow.

4. Irritation as a background feeling, regardless of the situation. Constant dissatisfaction with oneself sooner or later develops into irritation.

5. The desire to do everything perfectly.

6. Demandingness, rigidity and irreconcilability towards oneself and others. The inner critic is merciless in his assessments and demands that everything be perfect. When this subpersonality is developed, a person becomes like his critical part.

7. Doubt about the correctness of your thoughts, feelings, desires. This gives rise to the state of “I don’t know what I want,” helplessness and infantilism.

8. Blurring personal boundaries from within. The inner critic devalues ​​the person himself and idealizes the opinions of significant people.

9. Harsh self-criticism suppresses naturalness, spontaneity, emotionality, sexuality, creative expression, and contributes to the development of apathy and depressive states.

Inbox forwarding

Redirecting incoming aggression is one of the most common reasons for criticism. Not only among men.

Work conflicts, family squabbles and a bunch of other things can cause emotional stress in him.

That’s why a storm often hits you, but the aggression doesn’t reach the culprit.

So you get the role of a punching bag. If you understand that criticism and complaints are absolutely unfair, carefully ask how he is doing. Find out what makes him angry, why he behaves this way.

I recommend talking about your feelings, this will melt his heart and help you better convey your thoughts to him.

A man cannot resist this. You literally make him fall in love with you!

For example, like this: “Darling, I have a feeling that you’re actually angry about something else. Tell me what happened."

This is how you can show your love in a way that he will truly understand.

By talking about your feelings, you let the man know that you don’t take his criticism with hostility. That you are open to dialogue.

Three main scientific truths of motivation

Motivation is the energy that we need to perform a particular action. Three main factors can provide you with a large amount of good quality energy - choice, involvement and competence.

You must have a choice. Every person has a need to realize that he has the right to choose, to feel his capabilities and to manage the situation. Every person has the right to choose how to behave, otherwise achieving his goals becomes a more difficult task.

You have to have ownership. Each of us has a need to feel a close connection with other people. We strive to set meaningful goals and contribute to the common good. If this does not happen, then the quality of your energy suffers seriously and you do not experience any satisfaction from the process.

You must be competent. A person must know that he has the ability to manage everyday situations and demonstrate his skills while experiencing his own growth. If this does not happen, then the energy is blocked and frustration sets in from the inability to perform the simplest tasks.

It is these three truths that underlie the motivation of every person. If you look around, you will notice that if these three factors are present, you are calm and confident, but if you lack something, then you feel fear, anger, stress and a lot of pressure.

Our brain has an interesting feature - the reticular formation system. It goes off like an alarm, for example, when someone calls your name loudly in a noisy room

And it can help to understand the importance of gaining choice, belonging and competence

Through this prism, you can look at the actions and behavior of children from a completely different angle. For example, a baby who tries to feed himself with a spoon is defending his choice, a two-year-old who turns to a stranger is trying to gain belonging, and a baby who takes his first steps and falls is learning competence.

How whiners influence others

Empathy promotes negative thinking

It turns out that the ability to be compassionate and the ability to imagine oneself in someone else’s place can do a disservice. Listening to a whiner, we involuntarily experience his feelings: anger, despair, dissatisfaction. The more often we are around such people, the stronger the neural connections with negative emotions become. Simply put, the brain internalizes negative thinking.

Health problems begin

Being among those who constantly curse circumstances, people and the whole world is a considerable stress for the body. As mentioned above, the brain tries to adapt to the emotional state of the person who is complaining, so we also get angry, irritated, upset, and sad. This results in increased levels of cortisol, known as the stress hormone.

Simultaneously with cortisol, adrenaline is produced: thus the hypothalamus reacts to a possible threat. As the body prepares to “defend itself,” the heart rate increases and blood pressure rises. Blood rushes to the muscles, and the brain is tuned to decisive action. Sugar levels also rise, because we need energy.

If this is repeated regularly, the body learns a “stress pattern” and the risk of developing hypertension, cardiovascular disease, diabetes and obesity increases many times over.

Brain volume decreases

Regular stress not only worsens your overall health: your brain literally begins to dry out.

A report published by Stanford News Service describes the effects of stress hormones on rats and baboons. It has been discovered that animals respond to prolonged stress by actively releasing glucocorticoids, which leads to shrinkage of brain cells.

A similar conclusion was made based on MRI. Scientists compared brain images of people who were matched in age, gender, weight and education level, but differed in that some had long suffered from depression and others had not. The hippocampus of depressed participants was 15% smaller. The same study compared the results of Vietnam War veterans with and without a diagnosis of PTSD. It turned out that the hippocampus of the participants in the first group was 25% smaller.

The hippocampus is an important part of the brain that is responsible for memory, attention, learning, spatial navigation, goal-directed behavior and other functions. And if it is reduced, all processes fail.

In the cases described, the researchers were unable to either prove or disprove that it was glucocorticoids that caused the “shrinkage” of the brain. But since the phenomenon has been noted in patients with Cushing's syndrome, there is every reason to believe that the same thing happens in depression and PTSD. Cushing's syndrome is a severe neuroendocrine disorder caused by a tumor. It is accompanied by intense production of glucocorticoids. As it turned out, it is this reason that leads to the reduction of the hippocampus.

An exercise to help you deal with your inner critic

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Methodology

An active inner critic can ruin your life. While you evaluate your actions with the help of this subpersonality, you continue to look at yourself through the eyes of significant adults from childhood. One of the ways to get out of the influence of the inner critic is to learn to evaluate your actions yourself, based on your current capabilities and lifestyle.

I offer you one exercise that will help you cope with this task. It reduces the activity of the inner critic and helps improve self-esteem. Do it at the end of the day.

Keep a separate notebook. Divide a sheet of paper in half with a vertical line. On the left, write down in a column all the complaints that you have against yourself today. Put down your notebook. Drink tea, mind your business or take a walk. And after 15–30 minutes, write opposite each negative statement what advantages you received as a result of this situation.

Important points

1. Write down complaints not for your entire life, but only for today: what you didn’t do that day, didn’t finish, did wrong. Start dealing with your critic little by little, otherwise you will not be able to cope with the number of complaints against yourself.

2. You need to write until you feel that you have nothing more to say. Let your critical voice speak out, and you may learn useful things for yourself.

3. A feature of the internal critic is a generalization, which manifests itself in phrases such as “Everything is bad”, “Nothing worked out”, “As always”, “A complete fool”, “A terrible cretin”. Therefore, if you want to write something similar in the left column, clarify what your mistake was, what you were bad at. With such a detailed description, the emotional charge decreases. There is an opportunity to see what you have achieved.

4. If you have nothing to object to the claim of your inner critic, then agree with him. After all, he is often right. But add something that could compensate for your mistake.

What is the name of a perpetually dissatisfied person?

During anti-manipulation training, I am often asked about “energy vampires”: “He still tortures me”, “He sucks all my energy”, “He always pisses me off”, “After talking to her I feel depressed”, “He returned from vacation, and my health immediately became worse,” “I feel like a disadvantage with her.” I don't believe in vampires, but the phenomenon of psychological suppression definitely exists. This is called hedonic manipulation.

Any hedonic manipulation has no pragmatic goal. The manipulator doesn’t want anything specific from you: no promotion, no service, no money. He likes the process of manipulation itself. For him, this is a game, training his specific skills, an opportunity to entertain his own ego. A heteronist manipulator ridicules your emotional response because he believes it is direct evidence of his power, authority, and strength. He is pleased to understand that you are a victim, and not a full-fledged participant in civilized communication.

Psychological abuse

A hedonistic manipulator is easy to notice - he loves quarrels and scandals. Negative energy feeds his false sense of superiority and colossal ego. She knows perfectly all the “goals” of her victim, knows exactly all her weaknesses, shortcomings and psychological wounds. All this is skillfully used to incite conflicts. Even formally, he did not say anything objectionable, but skillfully used a well-worn phrase that undermines confidence or upsets. It involves painful hits or sarcastic remarks in a condescending tone under the guise of a joke. After an argument, expect a completely innocent intonation:

“I didn’t mean to offend you,” “You’re too sensitive,” and even “Why do you cook like that for some reason?” And in response, you will think that you have problems with your sense of humor, and that your partner did not mean anything outrageous.

Game without rules

A hedonistic manipulator constantly trains his skills. Each time his cruel game becomes more subtle and sophisticated. A game where you don't know the rules. He constantly “probes” your “boundaries” to see what can be violated in order to remain unpunished, and what can be violated too soon. He always makes sure that he cannot be formally accused. He always covers his tracks. Hedonic manipulation is similar to training. The manipulator makes you get used to this attitude. Like Pavlov's dogs, he trains his victims to walk on tiptoes, and the manipulator tries to attract all his attention in order to always be in the center and satisfy his painful ego.

Scapegoat

A hedonistic manipulator is always dissatisfied with everything and will always find a reason to grumble. Do you make good money? Why aren't you a millionaire?! Have you made a career? But you are always on a walk, you are selfish and take your time with anyone! It turns out to be a vicious circle: you will always be the scapegoat. This gives you an unpleasant feeling of worthlessness and emptiness, as well as a constant fear of not adapting to expectations. A hedonic manipulator exhibits destructive behavior. His companions are disappointment, neglect, insults and disrespect. No matter how randomly, he makes derogatory remarks, insults, offends, sabotages your goals and tries to destroy everything that is important to you.

You see the speck in someone else's eye, but you cannot see the ray in your own eye.

Hedonic manipulators are always destructive. The form of their behavior may be different, but there are still similarities. For example, projection. The manipulator does not want to see his mistakes, avoids admitting responsibility, tries to attribute shortcomings to his victim and shift the blame onto her:

“It’s all because of you” or “You.” He does this subtly, cruelly, systematically. It's a kind of sadistic blame game. An ineffective employee blames everyone around him for laziness. A pathological liar accuses his friends of lying. Of course, everyone does not notice their shortcomings and shortcomings, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, the projection of a hedonistic manipulator becomes a way of life. Don't be fooled! Don't take on his shortcomings!

Full control

A manipulator constantly reminds you that you are imperfect. Indicates the slightest error. Constant shame and accusations. Conflicts and quarrels are the main tool for its management, because you feel insecure and unstable. If he feels like he's losing control, he'll change tactics and idealize you. When a manipulative narcissist cannot control you, he does this to those around him: he denigrates your reputation, accuses you of something. Or, on the contrary, he “tells” some nasty things that your loved ones allegedly said behind your back, so that you do not have any support if you suddenly decide to end your relationship with him. It tries to isolate you from the outside world and become your center of the universe. So: what many call jealousy has nothing to do with jealousy.

Sweet taste of promise

So how do mentally healthy people with adequate self-esteem enter into relationships with such aggressors? Not immediately visible? As practice shows, no. First, the hedonistic manipulator becomes embarrassed, idealizes his values, makes sweet promises and feigned repentance, and creates a false sense of security. She disguises herself effectively by pretending to be alert and sensitive. Like a spider, it pampers its prey and when the prey falls into the trap, the devaluation phase begins. The original mask immediately disappears, and now there is a real person in front of you: cold, irrational, soulless, cruel. It doesn’t matter what kind of professional, friendly or romantic relationship we are talking about.

Run Forest run!

There is no constructive antidote to this! The main advice is to stay away from manipulative hedonists. Don't try to re-educate them. Such people are not prone to introspection and change. While studying this topic, I came into contact with many Russian and foreign psychotherapists and most often heard the theory that any hedonistic manipulator is, first of all, a person with a psyche and/or severe psychological trauma, whose “legs” most often grow from childhood. In professional relationships, personal contacts should be limited as much as possible. Keep this person at a distance. Switch to formal written communication. At the beginning of a love relationship, pay attention to what your partner says about his ex-girlfriends. This is a very accurate marker. If a person constantly badmouths his ex/ex-girlfriend, attributing all the world's vices to him/her and blaming them for everything, it is a good indicator that the same may happen to you.

I understand how hard it is sometimes to end a relationship with someone who, although constantly hurting you, is already so damn near and dear to you. Remember: we only have one life. And it is very unfair and stupid to spend them on someone who does not deserve them. Value yourself and your time.

This article is posted for educational purposes only and does not constitute scientific material or professional medical advice.

false mirror

Are you annoyed by your friend's way of speaking or her habit of wearing short skirts? Don't you like untidy people? Stingy men?

Likewise, your man can criticize you for being overweight, although he himself has tens of extra pounds.

Or he compares you with others in the style of “here’s Tolik’s wife...”, but doesn’t remember that Tolik provides his woman with everything to make her happy.

To deal with this problem, you definitely shouldn’t scream and throw tantrums. First, think about whether you give him the opportunity to express himself as a man. Are you a woman who destroys or creates?

If the latter, explain to him softly, confidently and in a calm voice that you will not accept criticism in this form. Choose your words carefully.

You also need to be able to talk about your boundaries or refuse a man.

Forms of manifestation

Well, now let's see exactly what these fears look like and what qualities they develop in the affected individual:

• Vulnerability. All words, even compliments, are perceived with a minus sign. They tell her that she looks good today, and she asks: “And yesterday, that means I looked bad?”
• Categorical. Even the most innocent actions of people are considered as universal evil. A guest who does not praise the hostess's cake is an uncouth rude person!
• Extreme self-doubt. A person simply cannot move along the path of life, because he is afraid to take a step to move closer to his dream, and blames himself for inaction. A vicious circle generates eternal discontent.
• Demandingness. This trait is most characteristic of parents who did not succeed in life. They make children into “super personalities” so that they can be proud of them, demanding the impossible.
• Pessimism. No comments here. Even before the most successful and attractive event, pessimists will tell you how and why it will go wrong.
• Emotional reclusion. It borders on self-doubt, but manifests itself somewhat differently. Such people always leave things unsaid so that “the information will not be used against them,” and have a superficial attitude towards both work and relationships. When everything stops working out for them, they start grumbling.

About dissatisfied people

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There are toxic substances, they are also poisons. And there are toxic people - those who can poison your life. It is impossible not to meet such characters at all. Have you ever noticed the following manifestations among your loved ones, friends, acquaintances, colleagues:

This is the colleague who seems to not only be shrouded in a cloud of negative aura, but also covers everything around him with it. Such people feel satisfaction when they create problems and anger others. They turn any situation into a stressful one. Let's call them “toxic people”.

1. Everything is always bad for them.

Such a person is always dissatisfied, whines all the time or makes malicious jokes. He can behave both as an eternal victim and as an aggressor, but in both cases he literally infects you with his black and gray view of the world.

2. They are sure that they are always right.

No evidence or arguments help - such a person hears only himself. They do not conduct a normal adult dialogue; they will interrupt, shut your mouth and simply interrupt the conversation if they do not agree with something. Oddly enough, the reason for such obstinacy may be self-doubt, but you are not this person’s personal therapist to deal with his childhood or not-so-childhood traumas. Your task is just to save yourself and your nerves.

3. They are drama queens.

If you communicate closely or, for example, are in a love relationship, then your life is constantly filled with drama. Crises, conflicts, hysterics, scandals - you get all this in full, you won’t get bored... They literally enjoy the very process of the scandal, but after that they also manage to present themselves as victims and blame you for everything.

4. They waste your time.

These people have an amazing talent for popping up in your life at the wrong time, often without warning, and taking up your time - you can’t get rid of them right away, they urgently need to talk, and they don’t really care that you’re busy or have other plans.

5. They lack empathy.

These people have problems with empathy and emotional intelligence - they do not sympathize, do not empathize, and do not know how to put themselves in the shoes of another person. And they don't want to. After all, the center of the world is themselves.

6. They constantly criticize you.

Sometimes we want our friends and family to tell us the harsh truth without embellishment or give us direct advice. But toxic people are something completely different. They are masters of unsolicited advice and passive-aggressive attacks. They criticize you, your choices, your lifestyle, you constantly feel like you have to justify yourself.

7. They talk more than they listen.

These people do not know how to maintain a normal dialogue. They are so self-absorbed that they are sure that everyone should listen only to them, so they speak without stopping and interrupt at every word.

8. They lie.

It doesn’t cost them anything to lie, make up big stories, present a story with tiny additions in their favor, “forgetting” facts that don’t suit them.

9. They say nasty things about others.

Does your friend always talk about people behind their backs? Gossiping and retelling who said something bad about whom? Don't participate in this: gossip pollutes your life and ruins not only your relationships with others and your reputation, but also your mood. And you can rest assured: if a person tells you bad things about others, he will also talk bad things about you as soon as the door slams behind you.

10. They only talk about themselves.

The dialogue is structured like this: your friend talks about herself, brags, complains, even asks for advice... But she never asks questions about what’s going on with you. And it literally leaves no room for your response: “But I have...”. Are you sure this is a dialogue?

11. They control you.

Even a very close friend or relative has no right to control your life, your feelings and actions. Do you notice attempts at control and manipulation? Goodbye!

12. They play the victim.

A sign of psychological maturity is the ability to take responsibility for one’s actions. If a person always blames other people or circumstances for everything, and never takes responsibility for himself, this is infantilism. But the main thing is that it is toxic for you. If a loved one blames you for all his troubles or simply complains about how the whole world is to blame for him (his mother and father who did not love him, the good God, the stork that dropped him on the way from the maternity hospital... - underline what is necessary) - listening to this is just as harmful for you how to inhale gases from an exhaust pipe. Don’t listen, don’t get involved, don’t let yourself be poisoned by other people’s negativity.

13. They are impolite to strangers.

If a person is polite to you and to other people in his circle, but is rude to strangers, especially those who are “lower” in status, this is a very unpleasant signal. White bone, blue blood? After all, we do not live in medieval Europe or in the Indian caste system - we do not have “lower” or untouchables. If your new acquaintance is nice and charming to you, but in passing he yelled at the waiter, cloakroom attendant and saleswoman, run. Firstly, this is just a sign of bad upbringing, and secondly, then he will yell at you too.

14. They often lose control of themselves.

Does your loved one lose his temper so easily that your interactions feel suspiciously like walking through a minefield? Topics that need to be avoided are multiplying every time - you say something wrong, and he no longer answers for himself? Adults are supposed to be able to control their emotions. Here is the psychologist's phone number.

bad for no reason.

And finally, the main test: intuition. It seems that the person doesn’t do or say any special nasty things, but you feel uncomfortable next to him - you lose self-confidence, your mood deteriorates, you start to get angry - that’s all, that’s enough. Don't blame yourself: intuition is most important in communication. It is your sixth sense that tells you: this person is toxic for you, you do not need to communicate with him.

16. A person cannot get results. When asking: why? He answers: that he tried everything, but his strength is not enough. He needs someone to help, he can’t handle it on his own. In fact, he needs your power, and when communicating, he will take it away. And you will feel like a squeezed lemon.

17. A man forces everyone to do as he ordered. When asking: why? The answer is: to maintain your authority. Otherwise, give them free rein, they will sit on your head and dangle your legs. And with these words, he brings you the “virus” of suppressing your will. There's a knot in your stomach. And you just want to agree with him rather than argue.

18. Vulnerability or a tendency to be offended by other people’s comments: for example, the phrase “you look great today” evokes an exclusively negative reaction: “So yesterday I looked bad?”

19. Categoricalism or a tendency to invest negative motivation in completely innocent actions of other people : for example, guests who do not praise the hostess’s treat are regarded as “uncouth rude people who do not deserve invitations in the future.”

20. Lack of self-confidence. We are talking about a feeling of helplessness, an inability to cope with the trials that we encounter along the path of life, which leads to severe anxiety when faced with such trials and to feelings of shame and guilt if a person avoids these trials.

21. Pessimism or the tendency to believe that the future is dark and hopeless. For example, negative people are much more willing to imagine how and why an important commercial visit might go wrong than vice versa.

22. The desire to control the behavior of other people, especially loved ones. For example, negative people make strict demands on how their children should eat, what kind of car they should buy, and so on.

And these are not all types of human viruses. There are cooler ones. But it is important to understand that they are absolutely unaware that they are such. They don't know they are harming you. All this happens subconsciously, i.e. unconsciously. Understanding is the wisdom to understand what is happening and decide what to do.

It is worth noting that all of the above manifestations of negativity have one thing in common, namely the tendency to blame external factors - other people, the environment or “luck” - rather than oneself and one’s negative attitude towards the world.

Negative people often think, “If only people knew what I was capable of, if only people were kinder to me, if the world wasn’t full of dangers, and if only my friends, colleagues, and family treated me the way I should.” I would like that, I would be happy!”

At first glance, it may seem rather paradoxical that negative people experience self-doubt and at the same time consider themselves entitled to demand respect and love from others. It may also seem quite paradoxical that negatively minded people look with pessimism at their own future and at the same time demand success from others. However, in reality there is no paradox here. This happens because negative people do not feel respected and loved, do not feel that they themselves are able to control their lives, and therefore demand love and respect from others and strive to control everything around them.

This leaves you with only three options. First, you can grit your teeth, face that negativity, and hope that the person standing in front of you will change someday. The second option is to try to find a professional counselor or mediator (for example, a mutual friend) and hope that a “third party” opinion will help the person understand that their negativity is not helping anyone.

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