Which one of you is right? In healthy circumstances, sibling relationships range from close to neutral, but very different scenarios unfold in dysfunctional families. Our article contains a detailed analysis of a dysfunctional family.
“How is it possible that my older sister sees our mother in a completely different light? She is the mother's most important lawyer and defender. God forbid if I say something bad about my mother, my sister will immediately attack me. She says that all this exists only in my head. This is true?" (Leslie, 44). “The general line of the party is that dad is a cool dude and that his way of speaking, riddled with contempt and humiliation, is just his style, and I’m just too sensitive and that’s my problem, I just need to be a man. Keep in mind, I am the eldest of three sons, my father's namesake, and his criticism of me is just a constant stream, despite the fact that I am the most successful man in the family. He is not so strict with his brothers, but it cannot be said that his attitude towards them is much better. And there was a huge gap between me and my brothers because I refused to listen to all that old man's grumbling over and over again" (Ted, 41).
Are your parents toxic but your siblings have different opinions?
Of all the issues I've heard from unloved daughters and sometimes unloved sons, the most poignant are those that focus on the fragility of sibling relationships when a toxic parent is at the helm of the family ship, especially an unloving mother; Some relationships are problematic only in childhood, but many brothers and sisters keep their distance and do not communicate in adulthood.
Controlling, critical, abusive mothers, or mothers with strong narcissistic traits, tend to orchestrate sibling relationships, especially if they choose a favorite and/or scapegoat among their children, as is often the case. When the mother is at the center of everything, and the role of children is relegated to the orbiting planets, self-interest easily outweighs all the advantages and closeness that family ties can potentially provide. Children who try to gain their mother's favor or, conversely, to avoid her attention, may not only gossip with their brothers and sisters, but also shift blame onto each other in search of a scapegoat.
Mother puppeteer
The following story is quite typical:
“Our mother was a puppeteer and all three of us had our parts. I was a constant source of trouble, my little sister was a perpetual baby, and my brother was a Wonder Child. Mother always needed someone to blame if something went wrong, and it was always me, even if it was my brother. I was absolutely dumbfounded when I got married and saw that my husband was really close to his brother and sister. I didn’t like both of mine and tried to intersect with them as little as possible.” (Jill, 51)
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In healthy circumstances, sibling relationships range from close to neutral, but very different scenarios unfold in dysfunctional families, where each child tries to cope, albeit inadequately, with circumstances that are far from normal.
The desire to come to the rescue
Perhaps only your sister will agree to participate in your machinations, such as, for example, running away to a disco. She can make sure that parents do not discover the disappearance, and then open the door or window late at night. However, in any situation, your sister will be able to use this against you, resorting to the art of blackmail.
If the sister is the eldest, then you can learn a lot from her. She can introduce her to her friends, show her new places, teach her little sister something new. But all this also has a downside. By following your sister, you can forever remain in her shadow. It hurts as a teenager when you realize that if it weren't for your sister, you would never have gotten to that party. This is also worrying at a more mature age, when parents do not stop setting their sister as an example.
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There are many cases where sisters stole each other's boyfriends. This is also a kind of paradox. If your sister has a boyfriend, then you will certainly know him. Surely you will be good friends. If a guy has serious plans for a girl, then he will definitely resort to the help of his beloved sister. He needs to know what places his girlfriend likes, what flowers, what pleases her most. And who, if not a sister, is able to answer such questions most fully?
However, sometimes such relationships go much further than ordinary friendship. A guy might find something special in his girlfriend's sister. Such situations rarely end well.
Different attitudes, personality and defenses
Playing favorites occurs in almost every family - Differential Parenting is so common that it even has an acronym, Parental Differential Treatment (PDT), for easy reference in research - but when it occurs in a dysfunctional family, the damage done to them lasts for a very long time, especially because the favorite child (or favorite children) has a completely different image of the mother in his head than the child who was humiliated, ignored and made a scapegoat.
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Even if this is a family with constant chaos, where someone is always yelling at someone else, each child will try to survive in his own way - either stay away from the line of fire, or find a place for a favorite at any cost. (In families where violence befalls every child, sibling relationships can become incredibly close, or as psychologists say, a fusion of identities occurs. This connection is called “Hansel and Gretel” after the characters of the famous fairy tale by the Brothers Grimm. But our article is not about this).
All children tend to normalize their experiences, believing that what happens in their family happens everywhere, until that turning point when some grown children begin to recognize toxic behavior or, more likely, discover their inability to live fully in the world.
- This can happen in therapy, where a person most often ends up not because of his childhood experiences, but because of problems in adult life, such as a series of unsuccessful relationships, for example, due to the constant choice of emotionally unavailable partners, and so on.
- This can happen because the grown child meets other families and sees all the dysfunctionality of his family.
- This could be an empathetic stepsister or stepmother who is actually very happy to become a mother to the child she never had, and this gives the opportunity to see the mother-daughter relationship in a completely different light (yes, despite cultural stereotypes, this happens). .
- Sometimes significant others - a close friend and lover - can help to see how traumatic the mother's relationship with her daughter was.
But not every child in the family will necessarily have this epiphany, partly because there are too many different forces influencing not to see the truth. This includes the desire to normalize what is happening, which is associated with the need for a sense of belonging to the family and, of course, with the importance of receiving love from the mother. And to fulfill these needs, sometimes maladaptive mechanisms of adaptation to the situation develop, such as dissociation from emotional blackmail, in order to somehow cope with what is happening and blame only oneself for the mother’s attitude.
Numerous studies demonstrate that there is a major difference between what the victim identifies as abuse and what the researcher identifies as abuse. For example, in a large sample of college students (11,660) who were recruited for the study in 1994, only 26 percent of those who experienced severe physical punishment or bullying—even those that included medical intervention! – they called it physical violence. How is it possible that when experiencing abuse, especially from a parent, a person refuses to call it what it is?
Researchers Rachel E. Goldsmith and Jennifer Freyd studied this issue, focusing on the ability of survivors of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse to identify their feelings; It is not surprising that problems were discovered with this. In addition, they found that survivors of emotional abuse (as defined by the researchers' criteria) were more likely than others to not label the treatment as abuse. What does this explain?
Researchers point to the fact that because children are essentially trapped in their homes, they adapt to the violent environment as best they can. These strategies include denial and dissociation; removing frightening information from consciousness. On the one hand, this helps fight daily stress, but years later it is this mechanism that prevents us from realizing the past and its influence.
But the most important thing about this study is the findings of why children are more likely to attribute their parents' bad attitude to their "fault" ; self-blame, the study authors write, “inhibits the idea that a significant adult cannot be trusted and helps create the illusion of self-control.” And again, what could be worse than realizing that you are not safe with the closest person who should take care of you?
The Anne DePrince study took two periods of time, with several years between them. At Time 1 and Time 2, participants were asked to identify acts of violence in their past; Interestingly, a higher level of psychological stress was found at the second interval among those who at the first spoke about the presence of violence in their childhood. Researchers have asked why psychological stress increases over time? Their insights shed light on why denial (and self-blame) are subconscious efforts to protect ourselves.
The researchers point to the fact that the subjects in the first time interval were students who had just entered college, had only recently left a toxic family environment and had not yet fully understood their childhood experiences. They say it's possible that the toxic childhood study itself, and the detailed questions about "were you abused as a child," was the intervention that started the chain reaction of stress. They also note that even psychotherapists tend to focus on the symptoms themselves, such as anxiety and depression, sometimes without making an attempt to trace the roots of these conditions.
As we see, many factors influence the answer to the question why brothers and sisters living under the same roof with common parents enter adulthood with such different views on their parents. It all depends on how the child adapts to the circumstances, what coping strategies his psyche chooses, and also, his personality traits are an important part of this “cocktail.”
Take, for example, two brothers, fifteen months apart in age, with a stay-at-home mother and a successful but drinking father. Their father did not drink at home, he simply disappeared, leaving his wife and children in bewilderment and anxiety. The two boys handled the situation differently, despite their closeness in age; although there was a difference between them of just over a year, one of them is still the older brother, whom the younger one looked at as a protector and continued to do so in adulthood. But it was the older brother who saw and understood everything about his father, while the younger brother went into a fantasy world about an ideal childhood and could mention something about his pain only under pressure. Their view of childhood will be very different. How close are they? It all depends on which brother you ask.
We prepare the elder in advance
Start preparing your eldest for the news of a new addition to the family long before the birth, as soon as you find out about the pregnancy. Tell him how you were waiting for him to appear, how you wanted to get to know him quickly with your dad. If time permits, make a map of his life on a large piece of paper. Using it, the elder will see how he grows and changes. After some time, make the same card for the youngest child. And let the first photograph there be an ultrasound image of the fetus. Tell your first-born that now (how great!!!) you can watch the birth and growth of your new baby together. This will certainly give the first-born a sense of self-worth and maybe even pride.
Watch films with the whole family that show your situation: there is a new addition to the family, everyone is happy, the older children are happy and live in peace and love with the younger ones.
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Make a list of great things you can do with your little brother or sister. Hang it in a conspicuous place, so that the first-born will have positive information associated with the birth of a new loved one on a subconscious level.
Drama and adult sibling warfare
Physical distance and avoidance of contact can dampen some of the conflict in sibling relationships and keep it frozen for years until one of the unloved children decides to reconsider his relationship with his mother, either through direct accusations and defiance, or by establishing his own rules and boundaries, or by cutting everything off. contacts. In those families where mothers manage sibling relationships, such behavior is perceived as a threat to her power and control and often leads to retaliation against the adult child who dares to violate the status quo and often other adult children must clearly express their loyalty and support to only one side .
More often than not, pledging allegiance to “Team Mom” is a requirement. Again, the defense mechanisms that are triggered, which are like a crowd of furious fans inside the head, force the adult child to join “Mom’s team” - these are attempts to normalize the situation, the desire to belong to one’s family, to avoid conflict, and the fact that the parental family remains the most important factor in self-determination. If you managed to redefine yourself in adulthood, you already have the strength not to participate in the old drama.
In the end, it will still depend on how each adult views their obligations to their parents and how they interpret the Commandment to honor one's mother and father.
How rivalry is born
According to experts, a common reason for rivalry between children is a lack of parental attention.
- If rivalry has developed between younger family members, it means that one of them is experiencing a lack of support from parents, their attention and interest in the child’s life.
- If everything is clear with an open demonstration of competition (fights), then hidden manifestations of rivalry between children are hidden under mild behavioral violations, which are not always immediately correctly assessed by parents. This could be ridicule, name-calling, bickering, behavior inappropriate for one’s age (regression towards the younger one in order to receive the same privileges).
Since parents do not always see the true cause of such manifestations, it is difficult for them to influence them.
However, it is important to know that although the uncompromising and sometimes angry struggle of children brings chaos into the life of the family and interferes with their normal mental development, in a mild form such rivalry benefits the younger generation.
Thanks to it, children can, firstly, realize their needs and desires and express them openly, and secondly, train skills for successful interaction in society in psychologically favorable circumstances, when the first unsuccessful experiences do not lead to strong social frustration.
"Horror, horror" and the spread of gossip
This hasn't happened to me, but it's hard to overstate the fury that comes with spreading gossip. I thought this tactic was rare until I heard so many stories that it seems that cases where a family simply calmly breaks off a relationship are the exception. This is not just a war for territory - it is the defense of family mythology . It seems that this cannot be possible, because it is too much, but believe me, if you read as many stories as I read for my book “Detox for my daughter”, you will leave your skepticism. Sometimes the attacks are new versions of old songs: “You're crazy,” “You're nothing but trouble,” “You've always lied,” or “You've always been a stranger to us.” Of course, this is very, very painful, and a daughter or son who decides to move away from family scenarios experiences pain, but it cannot be said that what is happening is completely new to them.
But, but, but... There are scenarios - many of which I learned about in the process of researching materials for my articles and from comments on Facebook - that go much further than verbal abuse. There were mothers who deliberately said nasty things about their children to bosses, colleagues, neighbors, and priests. Some applied for guardianship in order to falsely accuse their daughter of a “wild lifestyle” and take the child away. And brothers and sisters are drawn into this game, for example, as Margaret says:
“I am an outcast in my family, crazy, ungrateful. My brother and sister saw the benefits for themselves when I pulled away from my mother, they began to actively make me out to be ungrateful, unbearable and, of course, narcissistic. Considering our family circumstances, this is very funny. Family gatherings became completely unbearable for me, and they began a campaign to get my mother to “fire” me. The irony was that in therapy I could not decide to take the final step towards breaking up. Long story short: she divorced me. In some ways it has become more difficult, in others it has become easier.”
I think it will not surprise anyone that inheritance and property also often become part of these games.
Jealousy
Of course, with the appearance of a little sister, the older girl develops strong complexes. At the same time, she begins to compete with the baby, as she sees that her parents give her much more attention. She can declare in her hearts: “I hate my younger sister! Why did you even start her?”
Such competition most often occurs when the age difference between children is very small. If the older sister is already of a conscious age and understands her responsibility for a tiny child, then in this case such problems arise less often.
However, despite this, many girls very often pay attention and remember, even if unconsciously, that more attention was paid to their sister. They are not always right in such judgments. After all, when they themselves were babies, they simply do not remember that their mother and father also gave them all the love and care. At the same time, the girl received even more warmth, since she was the only child at that time.
Celebrate holidays together
When New Year or other holidays are approaching, all people are in high spirits. Negativity fades into the background, and only positive thoughts swarm in your head. It is at such moments that it is important to be close to your sister. When two people put aside their differences for at least one day so as not to spoil the holiday, it is easier for them to see something positive in each other.
There is another option to get closer and once and for all stop thinking: “How I hate my little sister!” To do this, you need to go on a joint vacation. A little adventure on the seashore and a relaxed atmosphere will help you calm down and learn to spend time with your loved one, which will not be wasted on empty squabbles or insults.
Don't get involved in family scandals
If a mother scolds her sister, and the other daughter takes the parent’s side, then the second girl will associate her with a traitor. After all, they should be one team. On the other hand, there are often situations when the older sister begins to scold the younger sister together with her mother, because she understands that the younger girl does not yet fully understand her mistakes.
In order not to hear the terrible words “I hate my big sister!”, you should choose a position of neutrality. If mom or dad scolds your sister, you need to stay away. Also, you should not discuss it behind your back with your parents. Otherwise, you can become a real enemy for her.
