Psychology of conflict - types, causes, methods of resolution

The definition of a conflict, the causes of its occurrence, why it is needed, how it develops and what to do to resolve it - these phenomena are studied by the psychology of conflict. Studying its basics not only helps to get out of confrontation with minimal psycho-emotional losses, but also teaches you to avoid or prevent disagreements.

Basic Concepts

A conflict is a contradiction between two subjects.

The subject is a participant in the conflict.

The object is the problem itself that caused the conflict. The object has the following characteristics:

relativity (becomes an object of conflict only in someone’s eyes, for example, power can become an object of conflict);
connection with the historical moment;
limitation (not everyone will get it, not everyone will have enough).

Most often, resources, statuses and spiritual values become objects.

An object is a specific material expression of an object. So, for example, the object can be status, and the subject can be a promotion or increase.

Causes of conflicts

Among the popular causes of conflicts are the following.

Inadequate self-esteem. The individual does not accept criticism. He either gets angry (high self-esteem) or gets angry and additionally experiences the conflict internally (low self-esteem).
Inadequate understanding of oneself, a situation, or another person. It arises from ignorance, believing rumors, receiving false information or lack of data.
Incompatibility of social roles. Internal contradiction of one person or different ideas about the same role between two people. For example, teenagers consider themselves adults, but for their parents they are children.
Discrimination on any grounds. We are talking about “us” and “strangers”.
Limited amount of resources, that is, “battle for place, benefits.”

The cause of a conflict can be anything that does not satisfy the needs of one person or group of people, affects interests (personal or group) and limits the behavior and activities of subjects.

Ideal married couples: utopia or reality?

The couple spend a lot of time together. This is a constant solution to everyday issues, joint recreation, raising children. A clash of interests is inevitable - each partner has a different upbringing, established habits and a certain pattern of behavior. It can hardly be said that there are ideal families in which peace always reigns and conflict situations never arise.

American researchers V. Matthews and K. Mikhanovich believe that all married couples, regardless of their “experience,” can be roughly divided into happy and unhappy. [4] According to the observations of scientists, in unhappy families, spouses:

look at many problems and specific situations differently;
do not want or do not know how to understand their partner’s feelings;
allow yourself to say words that irritate another;
often feel unloved;
they hush up problems, don’t talk about their desires, agree even if they’re not happy;
do not devote time to each other;
do not trust each other;
against their will, they often give in to their partner;
They rarely compliment each other.

Surely, everyone has their own point of view about what exactly an ideal family should be like. The main thing is that the spouses find common ground, listening to the other’s opinion, respecting his views and principles. To describe a happy family, you just need to take all the signs from the list and read them with a plus sign. The main thing is trust, desire and willingness to find a solution that suits both spouses.

In 2013, the Public Opinion Foundation conducted a survey among Russians

trust - 64%,
love - 55%,
respect - 55%,
care - 37%,
patience - 26%.

Functions of conflict

“The truth is born in a dispute,” says a well-known saying. This is true, but this is far from the only function of conflict. If the conflict is constructive (more on types later), then it performs the following functions:

relaxation of tension (if the conflict is managed favorably, opponents begin to understand each other better);
informational and connecting (opponents receive new information about themselves, each other and the situation, which they can use in the future);
cohesion and structuring of a team, organization (we are talking about uniting people against someone or something);
stimulation for change and development (searching for new arguments to defend one’s position);
expression of hidden ideas and thoughts (allows you to more fully understand the situation and analyze all options for its solution);
diagnostics of interpersonal relationships (“friends are known in trouble”).

Destructive conflict (with disapproving methods of resolution) also performs certain functions, but they are negative:

emotional burnout;
dismissal, expulsion;
decreased productivity and performance;
deterioration of relationships and socio-psychological climate;
underestimation of the importance of the opposite party, inadequate assessment of oneself;
emotionally painful focus on the struggle and victory itself, and not on the result (solving the problem).

In relation to a specific individual, conflict also carries positive and negative functions. The positive ones include:

self-knowledge;
correction of self-esteem;
relieving your own tension;
self-development;
adaptation;
socialization;
self-affirmation;
self-realization.

The negative effects of conflict on a specific person include:

decreased performance,
self-disappointment
decreased self-esteem,
loss of motivation,
development of passivity,
destruction of worldview,
loss of valuables.

Failed ways to resolve family conflicts

A thoughtless approach to resolving family conflicts will only aggravate the situation. Constant quarrels and mutual reproaches can sooner or later lead to divorce.

According to the American psychologist D. Gutman, who has been observing the relationships of married couples with different “experiences” for many years, there are 4 ineffective ways of communicating between partners: [6]

Criticism. The phrases “you never...”, “you always...” do not work in an argument. These are labels that humiliate the partner and do not help solve the problem. The husband and wife begin to actively discuss each other's shortcomings, completely forgetting about the conflict itself.
Humiliation. Partners begin to literally attack each other, trying to hurt each other more. Screaming, aggressive gestures, offensive nicknames, harsh sarcasm - this is not a solution to the conflict, but obvious humiliation.
Self-deprecation. When one of the partners (or both at once) considers himself an “eternal victim of circumstances,” it is unrealistic to resolve the conflict. In a constructive dialogue there is no right or wrong.
Ignoring. This is passive-aggressive behavior that hurts just as much as direct aggression. “I’m not talking to you” or “we have nothing to talk about” are classics of the genre. Silence is the end of dialogue. And without it it is impossible to find a way out of the situation.

Another serious mistake married couples make when resolving conflicts in the family is involving outsiders in their personal problems. It's good when it's a family psychologist. But the advice of friends and relatives, their active interference in the couple’s personal life, as a rule, only aggravates the problems. The chances of resolving a conflict, even if it is completely “harmless,” decrease in proportion to the number of participants involved.

Structure of the conflict

The structure of the conflict includes two elements:

A conflict situation as a set of causes and conditions for the development of a conflict (a contradiction between the needs and interests of subjects).
An incident as actions (conflict triggers) of one of the parties aimed at achieving goals. “How could he, well, that was the last straw! War means war!

A conflict situation, in turn, is based on the characteristics of the object (real or fictional), the goals and motives of the subjects (parties), their characteristics and vision of the situation.

The subjects and the object themselves are also included in the structure of the conflict. In addition, sometimes minor persons are involved, which can have an ambiguous impact:

incite for the sake of one's own interests (provocateur);
resolve disagreements (mediator);
support one or both sides (ally, support group);
plan and manage the conflict (organizer, “puppeteer”);
to be accidentally involved (victim).

Are joint goals an illusion or a way to strengthen relationships?

People who are even slightly interested in the psychology of relationships in couples have already repeatedly come across tons of advice on how to strengthen their relationships. And among these tons of advice, the recommendation to have common interests and common goals ranks high. This is, in general, correct, but a thoughtful reader and attentive observer still gets a feeling of either understatement or inconsistency. Why is that? Yes, because the concept of “joint goals” is much broader than advice to start learning English together or going to dances. In this article we will try to consider this issue more clearly and objectively. Read more…

Stages of conflict

There are 4 stages of conflict development:

The formation of a conflict situation, that is, a potential conflict (not always realized by the subjects themselves).
Awareness of contradiction. Moreover, it can be adequate (real vision of the situation), inadequate (distorted vision of the situation), unclear (tension is obvious, but the reason is not clear), false (“made a mountain out of a molehill”).
Choosing conflict behavior tactics. The goal is to block the intentions and achievements of the opposite side.
Conflict resolution. Occurs due to a change in the situation or the attitude of the parties to it. Partial (external signs of conflict have been eliminated, but the parties still have internal motivations for confrontation) and complete (external and internal elimination of conflict behavior and motivations) resolution is possible.

Information-psychological confrontation, the concept of information and psychological warfare

Information-psychological confrontation has a long history. It arose simultaneously with the advent of armed confrontation as an integral part of armed struggle in the form of a psychological means of weakening the combat power of the enemy and raising the morale of one’s troops. Currently, information-psychological warfare has emerged as an independent form of struggle, which can be waged both without the direct use of military violence and in combination with military force. For many states, informational and psychological confrontation, especially manifested in such acute and aggressive forms as “color revolutions,” has become an extremely dangerous phenomenon [388].

Scientific and technological progress in the field of information and communication technologies, erasing national boundaries, and the successes of social psychology in the study of mass behavior are forcing the leadership of the leading world powers to reconsider their military concepts. The practice of targeted information and psychological pressure is spreading, causing significant damage to the national interests of warring states [388].

Currently, the US leadership is elevating activities for informational and psychological influence on the military-political leadership and public opinion of various countries, on the world community as a whole, to the status of the main content of preparation for military action [388].

Information-psychological confrontation is a process that reflects various levels of opposition from the conflicting parties, carried out by information and psychological means to achieve political and military goals. Such a broad interpretation of the phenomenon under consideration allows us to cover information and psychological actions carried out [400]:

at different levels (strategic, operational and tactical);
both in peace and war;
both in the informational and spiritual spheres;
both among friendly troops and among enemy troops.

In the system of information-psychological warfare carried out for military purposes, we can distinguish [400]:

information war;
psychological warfare.

Information war is the struggle of the parties to achieve information superiority over the enemy in timeliness, reliability, completeness of obtaining information, speed and quality of its processing and delivery to the performers [400].

In this case, both states and informal associations, for example, terrorist, religious or criminal groups, can act as parties.

Such a war includes the following areas of activity [400]:

obtaining the necessary information;
processing of received information;
protection of information channels from enemy penetration;
timely and high-quality delivery of information to consumers;
enemy misinformation;
disabling or disrupting the functioning of enemy information acquisition, processing and dissemination systems;
destruction, distortion, theft of information from the enemy;
development of more effective means of working with information than the enemy’s.

The means of conducting information warfare can be [400]:

information technology weapons;
means of suppressing enemy information systems, entering them in order to influence circulating information;
means of propaganda intervention.

A more detailed analysis of the concept of “information warfare” is presented in subsection 3.3 “Basic terms and definitions of information warfare.”

Psychological warfare is the struggle between states and their armed forces to achieve superiority in the psychological and spiritual spheres, as well as turning the resulting advantage into a decisive factor in achieving victory over the enemy. With this approach, information capabilities, along with purely psychological actions, act as a means of solving psychological problems.

Within the framework of psychological warfare, the following areas should be highlighted [400]:

mobilization and optimization of the moral and psychological forces of the nation and the armed forces in the interests of solving military problems;
protecting the population of one’s country and its armed forces from the corrupting information and psychological influence of the enemy (psychological counteraction; psychological cover; counter-propaganda; psychological protection);
psychological impact on the enemy troops and population in order to disorient them, demoralize and disorganize them (psychological warfare);
influencing the views, moods, and behavior of friendly and neutral audiences (countries, social groups, armed formations) in a direction favorable to achieving victory over the enemy.

Psychological warfare objectives [400]:

countering and protecting one’s troops from enemy psychological operations;
psychological warfare (impact on enemy troops and the population of hostile, friendly and neutral states, i.e. what foreign experts classify as psychological operations).

Considering the attacking aspects of information-psychological confrontation, the following goal of influence can be formed.

The purpose of information-psychological confrontation

The goal is to establish control over the strategically important resources of the enemy country by controlling people, forcing the population of the victim country to support the aggressor, acting contrary to their interests, without using the existing socio-psychological defense mechanisms [388].

The tasks of information-psychological confrontation in peacetime and threatened periods, the solution of which ensures the achievement of its goal [388]:

substituting traditional moral values and guidelines among citizens, creating an atmosphere of lack of spirituality, destroying national spiritual and moral traditions and cultivating a negative attitude towards the cultural heritage of the enemy;
manipulation of public consciousness and political orientation of social groups of the country's population to implement so-called “democratic transformations” in the interests of creating a situation of political tension and chaos;
disorganization of the system of state and military administration, creation of obstacles to the functioning of state institutions and command and control bodies of the armed forces;
destabilization of political relations between parties and associations in order to provoke conflicts, escalate an atmosphere of mistrust in government bodies;
intensifying the political struggle, provoking repression against the opposition - a network of non-governmental organizations (the so-called “democratic forces”) and individual “independent” activists;
reducing the level of information support for government and management bodies in order to make it difficult to make important decisions;
misinformation of the population about the work of government bodies, undermining their authority, discrediting government bodies;
provoking social, political, national and religious clashes;
mobilization of protest sentiments and initiation of strikes, riots and other actions of economic protest;
undermining the international authority of the state and its cooperation with other countries;
causing damage to the vital interests of the state in the political, economic, defense and other spheres.

In information-psychological warfare in wartime, similar tasks are solved, but the objects of influence and protection are the population and personnel of the armed forces of the opposing sides, as well as the systems of public opinion formation and decision-making, which include the political and military leadership [388].

Conflict classifications

Conflicts can be classified according to different principles.

By solution method

Antagonistic. The categorical attitude of one of the parties is characteristic. The result is complete collapse and the other side abandons its ideas.
Compromise. A group of conflicts in which the parties make mutual concessions, change goals and objectives, and methods of achieving them in order to solve a common problem.

By nature of occurrence

Social (between groups, group and individual, individuals).
Interstate.
National.
Ethnic.
Interethnic.
Organizational (between and within the enterprise).
Intrapersonal (contradictions in the inner world of the individual).

Towards

Horizontal. The parties are not equal in a hierarchical system.
Vertical. The parties are equal in status and age, that is, in any hierarchical system they are at the same level.

According to the consequences

Destructive. They destroy relationships.
Constructive. Strengthens relationships.

By severity

Open. Obvious actions.
Hidden. Indirect interaction.
Potential. Hidden aggression.

By number of participants

Intrapersonal. Contradiction of motives, needs and interests of one person.
Interpersonal. Disagreement between two people on some issue.
Between the group and the individual. For example, a child is not accepted in class.
Intergroup. For example, the confrontation between youth subcultures.
Intragroup. In turn, they are divided into conflicts of hopelessness (complete incompatibility of group members), uncertainty (ambiguous nature of the relationships between participants), attraction and fear (relationships between the core of the group and the rest of the participants).

I suggest you take a closer look at the most popular conflicts, classified by nature and number of participants.

Practical exercise: How can you easily use the knowledge gained and defend your boundaries?

Did something go wrong in your conversation with your partner? Psychologist Alla Pilipyuk tells how during a quarrel you can quickly restore balance in communication.

For some reason, we don’t have the subject of “relationships” in schools. But conflicts arise between men and women at any age, with any education, income level and for very different reasons. Fortunately, a lot of information has been collected in the course “Man: Honest Instructions” from Yaroslav Samoilov. The course is free.

Team Growth Phase, Growth Phase

Ethnonational conflict

These are contradictions between countries and peoples. The causes of such conflicts include:

territorial disputes;
cultural, historical, economic and social divisions;
competition in the division of labor;
struggle for resources.

Ethnonational conflicts develop longer than others. They are characterized by a latent period (putting forward demands), a manifestation stage (sanctions, the beginning of actions), an active period (attacks, strikes) and, in fact, the result (consequences).

As a rule, such conflicts are resolved first by force, then by finding a compromise and cooperation. These are political issues, so I don’t want to get into this jungle in more detail. Let's talk about something more mundane and smaller-scale.

Fundamentals of information-psychological warfare

Currently, the theory of information warfare in the psychological sphere has been studied quite widely and deeply. Leading domestic scientists, such as S.G. Kara-Murza [20], G.V. Grachev [26, 33], V.M. Shchekotikhin [32], S.N. Bukharin, V.V. Tsyganov [34, 35], S.A. Modestov [37], I.N. Panarin [52, 53], V.A. Lisichkin, L.A. Shelepin [54], A.V. Manoilo [71, 72, 318], G.G. Pocheptsov [73, 74, 272], S.P. Rastorguev [75, 76, 79, 277], D.A. Novikov, A.G. Chkhartishvili [77, 78], D.A. Gubanov [77], A.G. Karayani [80, 400], D.A. Volkogonov [81], N.L. Volkovsky [83], V.A. Minaev, A.S. Ovchinsky, S.V. Skryl, S.N. Trostyansky [85], V.F. Prokofiev [303], V.P. Sheinov [315], V.A. Barishpolets [390], L.V. Vorontsova, D.B. Frolov [402], V.G. Krysko [405], as well as other specialists, studied in detail various aspects of information warfare in the psychological sphere.

Below we review the main aspects of the development and use of psychological and information-psychological weapons in modern military conflicts. At the same time, individual aspects of this topic are presented in more detail in the above-mentioned works.

Interpersonal conflict

The confrontation between two people has its own distinctive features:

The confrontation takes place here and now (in person, by phone, via the Internet).
In the process, all reasons are revealed (general and specific, external and internal).
This is a confrontation between individual psychological characteristics (character, temperament, will, intelligence).
There is high emotional tension, all sides of the relationship are involved.
A conflict affects the interests of not only two people, but also those who live, communicate, and work with them.

Interpersonal conflict arises against the background of:

negative assessment of a person’s actions, belittling his importance;
demonstrations of superiority;
downplaying the merits of another person;
violation of personal space;
threats, reproaches;
negative emotional state of one of the partners;
interruptions;
antipathies.

A conflict between two people goes through the following stages:

awareness of the goal,
dispute,
threats,
actions,
attracting others,
blows,
self-destruction.

Resolving interpersonal conflict

It is obvious that without a settlement the conflict will not bring anything good. This is where classic strategies of behavior in conflict come to the rescue, which are selected according to the characteristics of the opponents, the cause of the conflict, the goal and the prevailing conditions.

Several psychological tricks help resolve interpersonal conflict:

emphasize the opponent’s individuality;
address by name;
respect the rights of the opponent;
focus on the positive traits of the person opposite (“You are an attentive and caring father, an interesting conversationalist, if only you were also a romantic husband”);
connect time (try to forget about the “here and now”, connect the past and look into the future);
to compliment;
focus on the social role of the opponent.

Prevention of interpersonal conflict

How can you prevent emerging interpersonal conflict? Here are some recommendations.

If your opponent is aggressive (shouting, angry), then give him time to defuse. Just wait quietly. It is important not to appear arrogant. There is absolutely no point in saying anything - you won’t be heard.
Then ask to express dissatisfaction using facts, not emotions.
Reduce aggression with funny, kind, unexpected questions, but be careful as this may not always apply.
Change "you" to "I". That is, not “you deceived me,” but “I feel deceived.”
Identify the problem (not emotions, likes and dislikes) and think about how it can be solved.
Don't look for someone to blame. Accept the fact of the problem, imagine that someone else has it. How can it be solved? Express the sentences one by one.
Don’t forget to slow down and wait if emotions run high again.
Remember to always respect your personality and your opponent. Don't evaluate a person, evaluate their actions. Not “you are unnecessary”, but “you have not fulfilled your responsibility.”
Repeat your opponent’s phrases, check whether you correctly understood the meaning of his words.
Stay on an equal footing. Don't go up to the level of superiority, but don't go down in the eyes of your opponent either.
Don't prove it. Express or write down the positions of each side, determine what they have in common and what is different.
Don't be afraid to apologize sincerely. This always earns respect from the opponent and changes the course of the conversation.
If you want to say something rude or undignified, then it’s better not to say anything.
Do not state the undesirable state of your opponent (“here you are getting mad again”).
Don't get personal or slam doors.

You can describe the situation in the form of a table. This will help put everything together, fully evaluate the positions of both sides, and the formal nature will pacify emotions. Include in the table such items as problem, goals, obstacles, fears, strengths, opportunities, personal needs, emotions, missing information, common ground.

For the most part, people are ready for compromise or cooperation, but another question is that few people are ready to take the first step towards resolving the conflict.

Family conflict

Family conflicts can arise between children, children and parents, parents and grandparents, spouses and so on, there are a lot of options. Obviously, it is impossible to avoid contradictions in a family, but they can and should be rationally overcome. Popular causes of family conflicts include:

selfishness of one or more people;
inflated self-esteem of one or more members;
unsatisfied need for self-affirmation;
inability to communicate;
financial problems or excessive material demands of one of the spouses;
disagreements in matters of education and housekeeping;
mismatch of temperaments and reluctance to get to know each other;
bad habits of one of the spouses;
problems in sexual life.

Destructive tactics include (and should be avoided):

hypocrisy;
empty promises;
escape (to leave, to sleep, to remain silent);
false agreement (if only they would fall behind);
humiliation and destruction of something significant for a partner (indirect blows);
a blow to secrets (sore spots that were entrusted to you);
revenge at the right opportunity;
attribution of secondary problems.

Instead you need:

plan the conversation (time and place, participants);
clearly see the subject and object of the conflict;
be correct (if you criticize, immediately offer an alternative);
fully, but in an acceptable form, express your emotions and feelings (positive and negative);
repeat your opponent’s words to ensure they are understood correctly and to better understand his position;
break down a complex problem and a big conversation into several small ones;
occupy the time between them with something pleasant;
compare previous information and the picture formed taking into account new data in new conversations;
offer your help to your partner.

Do not incite conflict, be prepared to take the first steps, triple the unexpected surprise, show signs of attention, do not cultivate resentment.

Fathers and Sons

Conflicts between parents and children, perhaps, occupy one of the leading positions. In order to prevent child-parent conflicts, it is recommended to adhere to the following recommendations.

Study the psychological and pedagogical characteristics of children, improve your pedagogical culture.
Create family traditions, collective hobbies and work activities.
Be realistic in your requirements, back up theory with practice.
Follow the same educational line with all relatives.
Take an interest in the child’s life (hobbies, problems, interests, successes).

The concept of conflict in psychology

Any individual in the process of existence and activity has repeatedly encountered various conflict situations. A conflict is a divergence in goals and ideological positions of the subjects of interaction. To understand the meaning of confrontations in the life of society and individuals, it is necessary to briefly delve into the essence of the psychology of conflict, and in order to find out its essence, it is important to highlight the core features and conditions for the emergence of confrontation.

So, the foundation of any clash or contradiction is always a situation that may contain one of the following conditions:

— conflicting views of subjects regarding a certain subject or object;

- dissimilar goals or means used in certain circumstances to achieve them;

- opposing interests, desires of opponents.

A conflict situation always includes the presence of subjects of a probable conflict and its object. However, for confrontation to develop, there must also be action, that is, one participant in the confrontation must begin to act, affecting the interests of the other participant. If the second participant in the process responds with similar actions, then the clash will develop from a potential confrontation into an actual one.

The essence of the psychology of conflict is briefly the presence of an initial discrepancy in views, lack of agreement, and divergence of goals. At the same time, the confrontation itself can occur both openly and veiledly.

Conducted studies show that in eighty percent of cases, confrontations arise regardless of the wishes of the subjects of confrontation.

The leading role in the formation of conflict situations is played by “conflictogens”, that is, words, actions or lack of actions that give rise to and provoke the flare-up of confrontation. Every confrontation is characterized by the presence of a clear structure. Its main elements are considered to be: the parties to the confrontation, the subject and motives of the conflict, the image of the conflict situation, the positions of the participants in the confrontation. The participants in the confrontation are individuals who are in interaction. In this case, their interests must be directly violated. Also participants are subjects who support, either explicitly or implicitly, the conflictors.

The subject of the conflict is considered to be an objectively existing or fictitious problem that serves as the cause of confrontation between the participants.

The motives of confrontation as internal motivators push individuals to confrontation. They manifest themselves in the form of individual needs, goals and beliefs.

The image of a conflict situation is a reflection of the subject of confrontation in the minds of individuals participating in conflict interaction.

The positions of the participants in the confrontation represent what the parties say during the confrontation process or during negotiations.

The conflict process, like any other social phenomenon, has its own functions.

Intrapersonal conflict

One of the most difficult types. Intrapersonal conflict seems to split a person into two camps (or even more). His opponent is always next to him, this is the difficulty.

Intrapersonal conflict can be motivational, moral, role, between desires and reality, adaptation, due to inadequate self-esteem. It may manifest itself:

neurasthenic conditions (irritability, depression, sleep problems, headache, decreased performance);
euphoria (hysterical laughter, ostentatious fun);
regression (return to behavior of an earlier age or even primitive forms, avoidance of responsibility);
projection (unfounded criticism of others, attributing one’s negative qualities to them);
nomadism (frequent changes in any area of life, instability);
rationalism (self-justification of any of one’s actions).

The positive effects of intrapersonal conflict include (if successfully overcome):

mobilization and activation of personal resources;
self-knowledge and formation of adequate self-esteem;
“what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”;
self-development and self-actualization of personality;
enrichment of the inner world.

The negative consequences of intrapersonal conflict include (if unfavorable overcoming):

personality disorganization;
decreased productivity;
developmental cessation or degradation;
aggression or submission of a person, or another defensive reaction (read more about this in the article “Mechanisms of psychological defense of the individual”);
doubts, anxiety, depression, depression and other mental disorders;
loss of meaning in life;
feeling of one's own inferiority and worthlessness.

In a group, such a person appears distant, asocial, inattentive, rude or disorganized, silent, and sensitive to criticism.

How to avoid quarrels?

No way.

All couples quarrel. Scientists from the British Institute of Psychology have calculated that conflicts arise most often among Italian couples, and, oddly enough, they also have the lowest divorce statistics. Even 7-8 quarrels a day can be considered the norm if they end in compromises.

When a conflict situation has arisen, it cannot be ignored. It is imperative to voice what has accumulated so that at one moment you do not boil like a kettle under a closed lid. The same applies to your partner: if something does not suit him, he should not remain silent. And don't ask him about it.

So, quarrels cannot be avoided. But what must be done is to learn how to resolve conflicts beautifully and profitably.

You don't want any nasty swearing.

For example, if a guy offers to spend the evening with friends, and a girl wants to go to the cinema with him, the phrase addressed to the man: “What a goat you are!” will be a bad argument. And if you say: “It’s so interesting for me to be with you together, like with no one else!” – this will let him understand why you want to choose this format.

The simplest rule in conflict is to try not to start sentences with the word “you,” because this may sound like an attack or insult. Talk about yourself: “I feel...”, “I want...”

Probably, some scenarios of quarrels have already become a habit for your couple. You can easily get rid of it yourself and retrain your partner if you watch yourself 3-4 times in a row.

Organizational conflicts

Conflicts between participants in one or more organizations can be caused by external and internal factors. External ones include:

unstable socio-economic situation in the country or unfavorable conditions;
changes in laws, payments, allowances, benefits;
changes in the legal capabilities of workers.

Internal factors include:

destructive leadership style;
silence, unwillingness to fulfill duties, violation of workers' rights;
active activity of informal leaders;
changing the production process without taking into account the interests of workers.

Signs of conflict in an organization include:

official or unofficial facts of personal humiliation;
sudden change of responsibilities (often without taking into account the interests of the employee);
hackwork, evasion of orders from superiors;
insults;
division into informal groups;
formalism;
depression of individual workers;
negative feedback from employees.

It is solved by choosing a third party to manage the conflict and eliminate its causes, especially if they are normative in nature. An approximate course of resolving such a conflict will be presented below.

Forms of ending the conflict

The conflict can be resolved, settled, extinguished, eliminated or transformed into another conflict.

Permission

It occurs under the condition that the participants are committed to completely solving the problem and eliminating opposition. It takes place in several stages:

Identification of conflicting parties.
Identifying the personal characteristics, motives, goals and interests of each of them.
Identifying the true cause.
Determining the intentions of the parties and their understanding of the situation.
Collection of opinions of persons not directly involved in the conflict, but interested in its successful resolution.
Choosing the optimal strategy for resolving the conflict. When choosing, it is important to take into account the nature of the reason, the characteristics of the participants, and the focus on improving relationships.

Settlement

It assumes the involvement of an independent third party in the process of ending the conflict. At the same time, it is important for him to be as impartial as possible. As a result of the settlement, it is possible to increase the trust of the parties, establish direct contact between them, organize a joint calm discussion, and act in the interests of resolving the conflict. The process also occurs in several stages:

Finding out the causes, not the causes, of the conflict.
Determining the authority of the third party.
Finding out the motives of the conflicting parties (why they are in conflict).

Attenuation

It involves the transition of an open conflict to a hidden one, that is, it is the cessation of opposition, but the preservation of tension. The conflict may fade due to:

exhaustion of the parties;
loss of motive, significance of the object;
abstraction of the parties (other problems arose, the conflict faded into the background).

Elimination

It involves eliminating a conflict situation (conditions, social situation predisposing to conflict) and an incident (actions of opponents). For example, an employee may be transferred to another workshop.

Transformation

In the process of interaction, the motives and interests of the parties change, which gives rise to a new object of conflict. Sometimes transformation appears against the backdrop of an incompletely resolved conflict.

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Keywords:1Communications, 1Relationships

When the conflict is considered intractable and unmanageable

A conflict is considered intractable when:

participants perceive it as a struggle;
participants consider the interests of the parties to be mutually exclusive;
the participants initially have different values or interpretations of the conflict, which is what causes disagreements;
The parties are social institutions (for example, family and school).

A conflict is considered unmanageable when:

the parties are determined to maintain the conflict;
constructive interaction is impossible due to the emotional intensity or characteristics of the participants;
the conflict that has arisen is part of the subjects’ broad rejection of each other.

“What are you and what am I?”

“All our discussions boil down to the fact that she makes me feel like the last beast,” says Kirill. “It always turns out that she suffers, and I, the poor unfortunate thing, make her suffer.” She's good, I'm terrible. One day I couldn’t stand it and said, “If you feel so bad with me, let’s break up.” This caused hysterics. And since then she remembers “how easily I gave up on her.”

“The contrast: “look how offensively you behave and how I suffer,” is an attempt to punish a partner,” reminds Marina Myaus. - And for the ultimate goal - to find a compromise and get out of the peak of the quarrel - this is a dead end position. And the more we go into discussing each other’s personal qualities, the more we sink our common ship of relationships.”

Our human qualities, the exclusivity of which we so insist on, are not manifested in words. We either feel this about each other or we don’t, and by “explaining” this to our partner, we only exacerbate the conflict. It makes sense to focus on a specific problem and discuss the episode that bothers you.

How to manage conflict

If you want to become a third party mediator in resolving a conflict, here are 16 simple steps to manage conflict:

Based on the information you have, present a general picture of the conflict and determine the essence, assess the needs and interests of both parties.
Have a conversation with the participant whose position seems more justified to you. Find out his vision of reasons, fears and desires. From his words, compose his vision of the opponent’s interests, desires and fears.
Talk to the second opponent in the same way.
Have a conversation with your first opponent's friends. They will help you create a more accurate picture of your interests, fears and aspirations.
Do the same with the friends of the second opponent.
Discuss the vision of the conflict (reasons, methods of regulation and possible consequences) with the informal leaders of the group.
Discuss with formal leaders.
Find out the real reason and distance yourself from the participants.
Identify their subconscious motives.
Indicate where each opponent is right and what is wrong.
Describe the possible best and worst possible outcome of the situation for each position. Find out if a compromise is possible.
Assess all possible, including hidden, consequences of your intervention.
Prepare and propose approximately four options for joint efforts of opponents to solve the problem. Moreover, there is a maximum program and a minimum program.
Discuss programs with friends and leaders, make changes if necessary.
Stick to your chosen plan, try to involve your opponents' friends.
Evaluate the positive and negative aspects of your experience.

As you may have noticed, this is a general plan for resolving conflict, universal for different species. Of course, it needs to be adjusted taking into account the specific situation and type of conflict. In its pure form, it is more suitable for resolving organizational conflicts.

Five love languages

Have you ever felt like you were talking to your other half “in different languages”? Do you feel that you are sincerely expressing your love, but you are not understood? Why is this happening? It's not enough to be sincere; you and your partner need to speak the same love language. This is a very important step towards harmony and happy relationships. If we express and perceive love in different ways, we will mistakenly believe that love does not manifest itself in any way. What are the different love languages? How to determine them? How to learn to “speak” them? How to avoid misunderstandings and how will this improve your relationship? Answers to all questions in this article. Read more…

Conflict Prevention

Prevention is always more effective than elimination. Therefore, they offer several methods to reduce the tension of the situation:

Consent, or common cause. If it is obvious that, for example, a conflict is brewing between children, then they need to be united in something that satisfies the interests of both. Being passionate, they will find other common topics and learn to collaborate.
Development of empathy, the ability to empathize.
Forming a respectful attitude and understanding of the value of each individual.
Relying on your opponent's strengths. It's important to highlight the differences, but in a positive way. “I know how to present material creatively; you can arrange it in a structured way.”
Relieving psychological stress with the help of “strokes” (holidays, presentations, joint recreation).

You need to undergo trainings yourself or the organizers conduct trainings, events, courses on the general development and strengthening of interpersonal relationships, improving communication skills.

Why does a person need a relationship: answers from psychologists

This article is mainly for those who are just building or intend to build their future: we can help you figure out why someone might need a relationship with you. Yes, understanding another person and what he needs from you is often much more important than nurturing and nurturing your dreams and desires. In any case, if you are interested in healthy, harmonious relationships. Our task, firstly, is to present academic concepts in simple human language. And, secondly, to find in the depths of academic science something interesting and useful that will most vividly and imaginatively illuminate the question “Why does a person need a relationship?” and maybe help you find your own exclusive answer. Read more…