We must direct our main efforts to developing our own character, which, like the roots that support a huge tree, is often invisible to others. But it is thanks to caring for its roots that we ultimately see the fruits. With the permission of the Bombora publishing house, Forbes Life publishes an excerpt from the book “Balance Point” by motivational coach Gohar Davtyan
In my opinion, modern people pay too much attention to developing skills, gaining knowledge and competencies, not paying attention to the fact that success requires a good foundation - a strong character. In fact, the most powerful resource for achieving success is character, which remains undeveloped.
First, let's figure it out: what does character mean? Character is a set of properties and qualities of a person that leave a certain stamp on all its manifestations and actions. Character traits determine this or that way of behavior of a person, his way of life. Character is the essence of a person, and he should not “live” separately, with his own life. If you suppress your nature for a long time, it can become unpredictable, figuratively speaking, it can jump out from around the corner and behave in the worst possible way at the most inopportune moment.
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Knowing your character is what I believe is most important on the path to success. And if you don’t like something, remember - we decided not to put on a mask, but to change our character.
Is it possible to change character? - you will be surprised. Yes, character is not a constant, you can and should work with it. Scientists have already proven that the brain can and should change throughout life. It is unusually mobile, quickly transforms, and science has even included such a concept as neuroplasticity1, which began to be talked about relatively recently. During the 20th century, it was generally accepted that the brain remained unchanged after its formation was completed in childhood. But this view is now changing due to new research suggesting that the brain retains plasticity beyond childhood. Neuroplasticity refers to the processes of making or breaking connections and neurogenesis. Its role is widely recognized by modern medicine and psychology as a phenomenon that allows one to develop character and change personality through internal transformations;
In modern society, no one really thinks about changing their own character; it is not customary to even talk about it, since for many years we were all mistaken in thinking that character is not subject to change. I want you to pay attention to your character - as the main resource for achieving the best in your life, the way to harmonize yourself and the world around you.
We may not like the character of another person, but we cannot influence him. But we can do it for ourselves if we want.
Our life is a journey with ups and downs, and only by paying attention to ourselves, focusing on self-improvement, on creating a better version of ourselves, can we change our destiny. I believe that every person, having already stepped on the threshold of conscious life, should think first of all about getting to know the most important person in his life - himself.
Don't hide the strong woman inside you
The male sex is often afraid of falling under the influence of a strong woman. During the first conversations, it is worth finding out his attitude to this situation. Then show your natural behavior, declaring: “Yes, I am strong and I know my worth, but I am a beautiful goddess!” The intrigue will work - the man will definitely want to know how strong his partner is.
Behavior and character
Is the behavior consistent with the character? Many people think that these are the same thing. But that's not true. Behavior does not always reflect our nature. Behavior is an external manifestation in the world around us, and it often answers the question: who do I want to appear to be?
What is more important - character or behavior? When I address this question to the audience, I get very different answers. But more often than not, people believe that behavior is the most important thing. In other words, external manifestations often mean more to us than internal ones. Simply put, what I want to appear to be is more important than who I really am!
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“A person must be educated and monitor his behavior,” the listeners object to me. But you must admit, a person who must behave “correctly” and therefore is not rude (upbringing does not allow it) is fundamentally different from someone whose character a priori has respect for people and is simply not capable of being rude.
For a mature person, behavior is a derivative of character and does not particularly differ from its essence. People whose behavior is an extension of their character are whole, congruent people. Such a person has consistency in all manifestations: he thinks, feels, speaks, does. Behavior is the outer manifestation of a person, but the core is his character, intentions, motives, and values.
A hot-tempered person can control his anger if necessary, but he is still fundamentally different from someone who does not react to the situation at all and does not get irritated. Despite the fact that outwardly their behavior is the same, the internal content is completely different. A quick-tempered person is often indignant over trifles, but never realizes that his character is the source of anger.
In a good way, behavior should follow from character. But we live superficially, where necessary - we put on a mask and do not reach the depth, to our true essence.
A person may be dissatisfied with others and think: “Why are they treating me so badly? Why don't they respect? Why am I surrounded only by unpleasant people? Why is everything going so wrong: the wife is unbearable, the manager is a bore, the subordinates are terrible, the neighbors are bad?” And he doesn’t even suspect that the source of all troubles is his character! Perhaps, at the level of behavior, a person adjusts something in order to please where it is beneficial for him. But it doesn’t change anything radically - because it doesn’t see a cause-and-effect relationship. After all, in order to radically rebuild something, it is necessary to work with character and answer difficult questions. For example: what can I change inside to interact with the outside world more harmoniously? How do I attract these situations and these people into my life? What are they telling me? How does my character show up in these situations?
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Character is woven from many attitudes received at birth. They form our picture of the world, and it is the magic binoculars through which we look at this world.
The “Iceberg” model of the American psychologist Paul Watzlawick illustrates the above very clearly. The visible part of the iceberg is behavior, skills, attitudes, actions, competencies. That is, everything that I demonstrate to the outside world. All soft skills trainings mainly work in this area of personality, “pumping up” skills and competencies. For example: if you want good communications, watch your body, take an open posture. Sometimes you may even be given recommendations on how many times to blink and how to gesture to inspire confidence in your interlocutor. If you want to be charismatic, build up your confidence, look into the eyes of your interlocutor in order to show that you are interested in him (and the fact that in fact you are absolutely not interested does not matter). It turns out that we are taught a skill that is “purified” of the person’s psyche, of his character, and therefore has no depth. What a person thinks, what a person feels, no longer matters. The main thing according to this theory is to give out what is needed at this moment to achieve the goal.
But the iceberg also has a hidden part, which is much more powerful than the surface part. It is similar to the one that the Titanic once encountered. This is the so-called “hard drive” of a person, which is the hidden meaning of his existence. It is in it that the true goals of our behavior, motives for actions, hidden beliefs, true values, and secret attitudes lie. I propose to deal with this particular part of your personality. After all, if you train only skills, without taking into account the essence, everything will quickly return to normal. Or you will wear a mask all the time, losing touch with yourself and the taste of “authenticity”.
You yourself know that you can undergo training, improve various skills, but a few days will pass and everything will be the same again. Nothing will change, because the skills will be artificially grown, superficial, purified from the essence, not yours. In fact, it is much more effective to look deeply, find the reasons for your behavior, try to understand yourself, and if you don’t like something, change from the inside, rather than correcting the mask.
Don't hide your grudge
A woman cannot hide her resentment - she is a tender and sensual creature capable of experiencing this feeling. You shouldn’t show this too obviously and impulsively to the opposite sex. Men do not have a “bag” of patience to constantly ask for forgiveness. If an unpleasant feeling of resentment arises, you can ask about the reason for the words spoken or actions taken. Differences in attitudes towards life situations of both sexes can give rise to misunderstandings. Explanations can dot the i's, which will save the couple from similar disagreements in the future.
How to determine a man's character by his nails
Learn empathy and gratitude
Put yourself in the other person's shoes
The capacity for compassion lies at the core of strength of character. Try to imagine how other people feel. Maybe your friend recently lost a loved one and has become moody and irritable? Put yourself in his place, and you will be able to understand the motives for his actions. And then it will become clear to you that now he needs not criticism, but friendly support.
Fight prejudice
Most people have an established system of prejudices - conscious or unconscious, many of which have nothing to do with reality. For example, the idea that people without a college degree are not as smart as college graduates. Look around and you will find real examples that refute this belief.
Awareness of your bias is the first step towards overcoming it.
Learn to experience and express gratitude
Gratitude is an important step towards awareness of yourself and the world around you. Make it a part of your daily life and see how your character changes. Every day before you go to bed, think of three things you are grateful for. You can even keep a diary, recording your thoughts in it.
Also, don't forget to express gratitude to people who deserve it. A simple “thank you” or a detailed comment about how much you appreciate another person’s actions helps to see you as a strong person.
Don't give in right away
Psychologically, people are designed in such a way that with periodic concessions, even in small things, pressure will be constantly exerted on the weaker side. Just as they carry water to the offended, so they don’t get off the compliant ones, but ride on horseback and drive them. The man needs to be told that there is an important reason why a woman gives in, and there will not be a second time like this. He will appreciate the act of his companion, realizing that next time it will be different.
Bitch or shy: who do men choose and why?
Everyone's character is different - this must be understood and accepted. It is important to present it correctly and not to overdo it with the manifestation of character. Avoid provocations and humiliation of male dignity - these are common reasons for a partner to leave. Explanations of personal characteristics will help avoid discord in relationships.
Do you take your ficus with you?
A man came to visit a friend. They spent a nice evening together. He was offered to stay. At night he had a stomach ache, and in order not to disturb his owners, he decided not to go far and took advantage of a large ficus tree in the living room where he slept. He left early in the morning while the owners were sleeping. Years passed, one day he met a friend on the street and began to ask how he was doing. And he replied: “Things are good, but we have a problem with apartments! We’ve already changed the fifth one, but to no avail—it still stinks.” Our hero asked embarrassedly: “What about the ficus? Do you still carry your ficus around with you?”
You can change cities, countries, husbands, wives, leaders and subordinates, but if you do not change your character and manage yourself, mistakes and failures will be repeated again and again. Our character, like that ficus from the joke, will remind us of ourselves.
It doesn’t matter so much whether you are the head of a large concern or a housewife; managing your life and destiny is important for everyone. Maturity does not depend either on the position or on the years lived. You can be young, but already a mature person, or you can live your whole life without ever knowing yourself. Is a person capable of managing himself if he is not at all familiar with the object of control - his character?
An integral part of a person's personality is his habits. We form habits, and habits form us. Every habit is a system of persistent connections of neurons. Why are habits not easy to change? The fact is that behind them there are connections of neurons, which, when an impulse is given, act according to a given pattern and follow a certain path.
Character is a certain set of automatic reactions. Automatic reactions certainly help us and enable us to quickly navigate. We do many things automatically, without thinking. And if there is a strong habit of reacting in a certain way to the challenges of the outside world, we will react the same way to the same event day after day. On the one hand, this is wonderful. Imagine that the glass falls, and we begin to analyze what should we do? What's the best way to respond? Which muscles should you tense? Of course, we automatically catch him and save the situation. Or we are attacked, our reaction is automatic, and we react without thinking for a long time.
That’s also great - we act at the level of the reptilian brain, at the level of instincts: fight, flight or freeze. On the other hand, is it good to live completely “automatically”, without thinking about the important things, about what would help improve the quality of life? Do something differently. To have the right to choose a reaction to different situations - to react consciously, feeling that there is space between stimulus and reaction, there are many options for responding. And we are somewhat similar to Pavlov’s dog: there is a signal - there is salivation, and it doesn’t matter that there is no food, the main thing is that the light is on!
“Everyone annoys me,” says the hot-tempered man. At the same time, he does not think about why he reacts this way, why he shows aggression and generally does not know that there is another response option.
He acts at the level of automatic reactions, without awareness, and becomes a follower, a slave of his character. Character begins to control the fate of a person, and not the person - his character.
Neuroscience argues that the connections made in the brain are the biological basis for habits and conditioned reflexes. Otherwise, they are called patterns - persistent patterns of behavior, connections of neurons in the brain. We inherit one set of habits and reactions, and another we form unconsciously in childhood. Many may even be aware (at best) of their difficult character and admit: “Yes, I have a difficult character, but I can’t help it.”
You already know that the brain is plastic and can change if only we want it. But it turns out that we are not only able to change our character and habits. After we have changed our character, breaking old patterns of behavior, we are even able to change our genes.
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Once upon a time this news shocked me. Science has proven that after a person changes his character, the changes are fixed in the person’s genotype. Old patterns are broken, and the body begins to develop new ones. Over time, they become stronger, finally and irrevocably displacing the old ones, and are fixed at the gene level. It turns out that we always have a chance not only to improve our own character, but also to make an invaluable contribution to the nature of future generations.
To make it clear, let's use our imagination and imagine that somewhere in a small village, where everyone knows each other, and the family names are consonant with the corresponding human qualities, a boy was born. Born into a family where all family members are unusually greedy. The boy is from a greedy family, and the village knows that this family has long been famous for its greed. A boy grows up in a family where all habits and all actions are based on stinginess. And he does not see, does not realize his character, his greed - despite the fact that in the village they are already pointing fingers at him and noticing this weakness in him. Let's imagine that at some point an insight will come to him and, instead of aggressively denying, he will see and realize that in fact he has a serious problem, he will want to correct the situation and begin to work on his character. From this moment on, a miracle will happen - as he changes, so will his genes. This means that if he ever has a child, he will give him completely new, modified genes, free from the vice of greed.
The Universe is always ready to help us in evolution. Our brain changes, new habits are fixed in it, new patterns appear.
It turns out that a conscious step by one person can influence and improve the genotype of an entire species! In history, there are also known opposite cases when one person, having seriously violated the laws of the Universe, passes on genetic diseases to his descendants along with material values.
Let's look again at the chain of mysterious transformation: a person realizes his negative traits, begins to work on himself, and changes. And when he himself changes, his destiny, his genes and all future generations change after him. Judge for yourself, isn't this a miracle? Would you like to work on a good genotype for your generations? I think such a gift is much more important than material wealth, sometimes acquired dishonestly, fraught with weak genetics and various diseases.
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We can and must change. For me, the meaning of life lies in the evolution of the mind. A person is able to part with a bad character, with previous reactions, break the circle of vicious inclinations, helping himself and future generations. We can create a new us by radically changing what we don't like. We can move upward by recognizing past mistakes and finding fresh solutions, creating a new vision. New me.
By changing our vision, we change our behavior and habits. As a result, the stimuli that we send to the world around us change, and we rise to the next level of development.
A quantum leap of consciousness occurs, and the person begins to vibrate differently. New stimuli trigger responses from the world around us and radically change the life situations in which we find ourselves. Thus, by changing our consciousness, we are able to change our destiny. But this will happen only when, instead of trying to correct others, putting on comfortable masks, whining and walking in circles, we begin to use vital energy in finding ourselves.
How to change negative character traits to positive ones?
Once you have identified the negative traits of your character, you need to make a list. On the contrary, for each negative character trait, indicate how to correct it. For example, insecurity can only be corrected by learning to believe in yourself and in your strengths; aggression can be corrected by learning to control yourself and control your feelings and emotions, etc. Thus, it is necessary to work through the entire list.
Tip No. 3. Develop and don’t stand in one place
Don’t forget that you constantly need to develop, gain new and interesting knowledge. Developing yourself and awakening interest in new things will always have a positive impact on your character. Constant learning and development will prevent you from dwelling only on the past, especially if you have ever failed or been disappointed in something. New knowledge will greatly help you develop determination and good character.
Tip No. 8. Write out a detailed plan for changing your character
Make a detailed plan to change your character. Be sure to pay attention to each character trait that you want to correct or change. After this, set a specific deadline within which you must do this. At the same time, remember that not all character traits can be changed immediately, so get ready to constantly work on yourself.
Tip #7: Invest in yourself
It is worth remembering that by investing in yourself, you are making a reliable investment, first of all, in your future. Of course, always take into account your desires, needs and aspirations; you should not waste money on this.
Moreover, investments in yourself, as a rule, always pay off, because you gain new knowledge, experience, and skills that open up completely new opportunities for you and allow you to realize your plans. Thus, improvements also occur in a person’s character, which makes him purposeful and allows him to achieve certain successes.
Tip No. 10. Avoid quarrels and always try to find some compromise
Train yourself to avoid all kinds of quarrels and find a certain compromise in various situations. Of course, in everyday life quite different situations happen, which can lead to the development of not only disagreements, but also conflicts.
Therefore, always control yourself and be calm, this way you can resolve the conflict and come to a certain compromise. Also, such actions will help not only hone your skills in resolving conflict situations, but will also have a positive impact on your character.
Tip No. 1. Don’t dwell on the past and the negative aspects in it.
Numerous studies conducted by scientists have shown that people tend to concentrate and remember the negative moments of their life more than the positive ones. Therefore, it is necessary to discard the negative aspects from your past and, especially, not to dwell on it.
Try to always focus your attention exclusively on the positive and positive moments of your life and your character will change for the better.
What shapes character
A person's character is 50% genes. There's no escape from them. But character is like abs - if you constantly train, you can pump it up well. Of course, you won’t immediately become Napoleon or Genghis Khan, but getting closer is quite possible. The main thing is that it brings you happiness!
Our upbringing
Of course, the root lies in our upbringing. You shaped your own character by choosing leverage over your parents. For example, someone asks, begs and is hysterical to be bought some candy, someone begs kindly, and someone does a real boycott: they refuse to leave the store.
Parents, in turn, reinforced these levers. They bought you candy when their patience ran out. This is how a certain behavior and belief developed that “demanding is good. You can beg, manipulate, or simply force with will.” Everyone has their own way.
But only now you have grown up, and these old ossified schemes no longer work. And if they do, it’s to your detriment. But you can live without even realizing it!
Character determines your actions. If you are a person, you develop, you work on yourself, then your character is your choice. So it's up to you to decide: go with the flow or change.
The shadow of a person as part of the soul
All these qualities, images, desires and memories can be called in one word - shadow. The shadow of a person, the shadow side , to be more precise, is that suppressed part of a person’s experience and ideas that seems to him incompatible with his own ideals and the face that he presents in society. This is what makes a person unable to accept himself.
This area may also include those properties and qualities of character that are either undeveloped in a person or are rejected by him. The shadow of a person is located in the area of the unconscious - i.e. in that part of the personality that is not realized.
The idea of shadow is very well reflected in folklore, as well as traditional holidays and folk beliefs. Almost always, along with the bright image of a hero, savior or saint, there is also an image of evil - the devil or the tempter.
In fairy tales these are witches, gnomes, evil wizards. In religious cultures, the image of a shadow can be expressed as a devil or a devil. In Christianity, along with the bright image of Christ, there is also the Antichrist (and if you look at the root word “Satan”, it means “enemy” - as an image that opposes the saint, like shadow and light).
In Buddhism and Hinduism there is a large pantheon of wrathful deities, which in some interpretations are not considered as separate individuals, but rather as the personification of various qualities of a single god.
Sometimes in certain historical periods these shadow images become stronger and more attention-grabbing. Remember the Gothic cathedrals and the huge number of devils of all kinds and stripes on their bas-reliefs.
It would seem, why are they? After all, in the temple you can only think about the good and forget about the bad! But even there it is impossible to completely escape from one’s shadow part, and the human psyche again and again stumbles upon those very bad character traits, “unworthy” thoughts and impulses.
Some traditions and folk festivals try to create safe contact between a person and his shadow. In pagan holidays, contact with the shadow was presented quite clearly - remember, for example, Halloween. After all, what is its essence?
Dress up as witches or evil spirits to drive them away. In other words, immerse yourself in your shadow so that it becomes more conscious, and therefore controlled by consciousness.
“If the shadow side is suppressed and isolated from consciousness, then it will never be corrected, and there is always the possibility of its sudden breakthrough at the most inopportune moment. So, by all accounts, it will create an unconscious obstacle, thwarting our best intentions and impulses. We carry within us our past, namely the primitive, low man with his desires and emotions. Only with significant effort can we free ourselves from this burden."
Carl Gustav Jung
A natural question arises: why is a person’s shadow needed at all? Why do we need to get to know the shadow and deal with it at all? Maybe this is right - remove from your life, displace all bad character traits, everything “unacceptable” and forget about it? It’s bad, so why know about it and stir it up?
Then a counter question arises: to displace - and where? Where can we put all this? From the conscious area to the unconscious. In that large closet or closet where old things that are no longer needed by the owner are put away.
And the paradox is that this closet is still inside us, and no matter where we remove and displace it all, it will remain inside us. From time to time it will remind itself and burst into our lives with vague images, exploding for some unknown reason with emotions, stupor and apathy, illogical actions, anger and irritation towards the people around us.
And from time to time we will still be forced to deal with those very manifestations about which we say “I hate myself,” we regret, we are ashamed, but we cannot completely eradicate them, no matter how hard we try.
Tip No. 9. Don’t forget to record your achievements and successes
By recording and noting your specific successes and achievements, you will see that all your efforts are not in vain and that your actions bring specific results. Thus, by celebrating and recording achievements you automatically receive good motivation, which allows you to strive for more and achieve higher results.
Also, successes and achievements reflect well on a person’s character, allowing him to become much better with each achievement.
