Independence in decision making: how it is formed and what it depends on

Signs of a self-sufficient person

By what signs can one determine a self-sufficient person?

• Self confidence. These are happy, mature, emotionally balanced people who do not shout about their self-sufficiency. They adequately assess their capabilities and know their worth. Their courage and bright personality speaks for itself and makes them stand out from the crowd. They do not seek attention, but always attract it.

Self-sufficient people have inner harmony. Photo by Julia Volk: Pexels

• Ability to make decisions independently. A self-sufficient person does not need the approval of others. This is a strong and strong-willed person who is able to make important decisions for himself, without looking at the opinions of others.
• Responsibility for your actions. A self-sufficient person is used to being responsible for everything that happens in his life. Please note: he never shifts the blame to other people. Mistakes do not scare him; he calmly analyzes them, learns and moves on.
• The ability to fight your fears. Anxiety is a bad companion for strong people. A self-sufficient person has a good habit of dealing with his fears, learning to overcome them, and training stress resistance. This useful skill will be useful to everyone! Advice: emotional balance is what you need to strive for.
• Respect for other people's boundaries. Self-sufficient people are very tactful and have many positive qualities. They are deprived of the habit of re-educating others and asserting themselves at the expense of others, and are not intrusive in communication. They are careful about other people's personal boundaries and are excellent at protecting their own.
• Lack of sick attachments. The fear of loneliness is not about self-sufficient people. These are integral individuals who cannot imagine dependence in any form on anyone.
• Social well-being and financial independence. Important! A self-sufficient person is able to provide for himself. Such people may not necessarily be rich, but they always have a favorite business, earn their own living and are not financially dependent on others.
• Constant development. Self-sufficient people are purposeful and capable individuals. They love to learn and improve their skills, are erudite, and have a broad outlook. They are interesting to talk to and interesting to listen to.

Asya Rakhovich

Psychologist with more than 7 years of experience. Expert in the “Personality Psychology” section

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Stages of developing independence in children

Independence is a kind of instinct that is inherent in us by nature to ensure the survival of the species. It first appears at the age of 1.5-2 years, when the child begins the “I myself” period. From this age, it is important to encourage expressions of independence, and, if necessary, gently push the child to perform certain actions.

1.5-3 years

This period is accompanied by the acquisition of basic self-care skills: the child learns to eat, drink, dress, wash himself, etc. He is very inquisitive and strives to understand the world around him. It is important to support him in all his endeavors, trying to provide him with maximum freedom, while not forgetting about safety measures.

3-5 years

It is a difficult age when a child begins to feel like an independent person (as it seems to him) from his parents. The need to be independent at this age is very high: the child tries to “grope” the boundaries of what is permitted, argues with parents on any issue, tries to prove that he is right, even if he himself understands that he is wrong. Not all parents are ready for such behavior, and often “kill” the independence of their children with parental authority. By the age of 5, the child:

• cleans his room independently (collects toys, makes the bed, puts things in the closet);
• participates in cleaning the house (wipes dust, puts things in their places);
• helps in preparing food - performs simple tasks under the supervision of parents (grease the pan with oil, add flour to the dough, mix the salad, etc.);
• pours himself water or juice from a bag or bottle;
• takes care of the pet (able to feed and clean up after the pet).

At the age of 3-5 years, children form a scenario according to which they will later build their lives: the nature of relationships with people, behavior in critical situations, etc. Psychological traumas of this period are what the child will return to throughout his life. own life. The task of parents is to minimize these traumas and form a strong foundation in life that will give the child a good start in life.

6-12 years

When a child enters school, a new area of ​​responsibility appears—study. Gradually, he acquires the skills of planning his time, learns to be responsible for his things at school and in preparation for it (pack a briefcase, take a uniform for physical education, etc.). This is a period when the child is still attached to his parents, but is already quite independent on his own. By age 12 he:

• completes homework independently;
• has his own household responsibilities along with adults (takes out the trash, fully cleans his room, can buy groceries, etc.);
• monitors the cleanliness of his clothes, takes things to the laundry in a timely manner without reminding his parents;
• cares for the pet (walks, feeds, cleans without prompting);
• treats adults with respect;

By the beginning of adolescence, the child is completely independent in self-care and learning - he does not need reminders or control in these areas.

Adolescence 12+

Personal independence is the last stage that is important to complete on time. At this time, it is necessary to give the child more freedom, to allow him to make his own decisions. If in the early stages parents did not stop the child’s attempts at independence, then in puberty there should not be any serious problems with this.

However, conflicts with parents during adolescence are inevitable. There is an opinion that they are due to the need to separate children from their parents in order to create their own families and have children. A century ago, by the age of 18-20, a person could be called an adult: he was truly ready to create and provide for a family and raise offspring. Today, according to Rosstat, the average citizen of our country gets married at the age of 25-34 years. Modern psychologists explain this by the so-called “epidemic of infantility” of the new generation. That is why they recommend paying great attention to the development of independence skills in children.

Types of self-sufficiency

There are several types of self-sufficiency. The division into types is based on different areas of life where this quality is necessary and applied. Using this classification, we can tell whether a person is self-sufficient in a particular area. Let's give them a definition.

Psychological self-sufficiency.

This is exactly the type that is most often implied in discussions about the concept itself. A psychologically self-sufficient person is an integral personality who has a rich inner world. He doesn't need anyone's support. On the contrary, he himself often becomes a support for others.

Self-sufficient people radiate confidence and calmness; they are excellent conversationalists and advisers. Photo by Alexandr Podvalny: Pexels

They are not familiar with the fear of loneliness. They are comfortable alone with themselves, they always know what to do with themselves.

Psychological lack of self-sufficiency is characteristic of infantilism.

Social self-sufficiency

A person who is self-sufficient socially has a job and a hobby. He is successful in his profession, constantly implements his plans, and improves himself. Important: this also means complete financial self-sufficiency – the opportunity to earn your own living. Has, for example, his own home, car or other social benefits. Moreover, he determines the need for these benefits for himself. These are not stereotypes imposed by society in the style of “this is how it should be”, “this is correct”, but exactly what the person himself wants. He sets goals and achieves them thanks to his abilities.

Always being busy and in demand is the life credo of a self-sufficient person.

Economic self-sufficiency

This type of self-sufficiency is necessary to carry out daily household tasks. For example, people who are able to independently take care of themselves in everyday life - cook dinner, clean the apartment, put their things in order - are considered self-sufficient in economic terms. For many, these skills are taken for granted. But there are people who are deprived of them. In some cases, this seriously complicates life, making a person completely helpless. Advice: economic skills and abilities should be developed in a child from early childhood.

Teach children independence from an early age. Photo by Yan Krukov: Pexels

How to raise a child to be independent?

No matter how old a child is - 2 years old or 18 years old - it is never too late to help him become more independent. To do this, you should follow simple rules.

1. Always be interested in the child's wishes and preferences . This applies to food, leisure, profession, hobbies, etc. From the first years of life, a child must firmly know what he wants and learn to make decisions on his own.
2. Allow to make mistakes and not make a tragedy out of a mistake . Mistakes are an experience; the child must understand that everyone makes mistakes, learn a lesson and try again.
3. Providing assistance according to the principle “Help me do it myself” is one of the principles of Maria Montessori’s early development method, aimed at developing independence in children from 2 years old. It consists of explaining how to do this or that action on your own, and not performing it instead of the child;
4. Involve in household responsibilities from an early age . Each child should have his own area of ​​responsibility - this is his contribution to the family as a full member. A two-year-old baby can easily help his mother in the kitchen, put away his toys and wipe the sink after himself. At first, parents should monitor the fulfillment of these responsibilities, then only remind them, and already at school age the child’s responsibility is fully formed.
5. Make sure that the child has enough free time (at least 1-2 hours a day) . This will help him identify things that are truly interesting to him, and not imposed by parents or teachers.
6. Consult . Involving your child in discussions about household chores is beneficial for building a child's self-worth. Consult with your child about what outfit you should wear, what to buy for dinner, and what gift to choose for your older brother.
7. Set a positive example . By demonstrating your best qualities, you create a favorable atmosphere in the family, which has the best effect on the child’s personality.

These are general recommendations that every parent should follow. Perhaps you instinctively follow these tips - this suggests that you have chosen the optimal style for raising your children - democratic.

Here are some more practical tips on how to develop certain qualities in your child.

Complex tasks

Children of senior preschool and primary school age often have difficulty completing complex tasks. They are simply not able to keep in mind all the components and the order of their implementation. To help them overcome these difficulties, you should:

• break the task into small blocks (bring clothes from the closet - put on trousers and a T-shirt - put on boots - take a briefcase);
• recite each block to the child for several days;
• replace verbal accompaniment with graphic or text prompts (pictures or a list of blocks), that is, let the child get ready without your help;
• achieve complete independence.

This simple algorithm works even in cases with hyperactive children and saves a lot of time and effort for parents. It can be used for cleaning the room (clear the table, under the bed, on the floor - take dirty things to the laundry - make the bed), table setting (arrange plates - lay out napkins - get cutlery - put glasses), morning hygiene measures (wake up - wash your face - brush your teeth - take off your pajamas - make the bed - put on clothes), etc.

Self-organization

Teaching a child to manage their time wisely is not an easy task, but an important one. Self-organization is not only about punctuality, but also about time efficiency and personal productivity. Some tips for parents:

• hang or place clocks throughout the house so that they are always in front of the child’s eyes, even better - buy him a wristwatch (not a smart watch or a smartphone - unnecessary functions will distract him from the main thing);
• to speed up the daily routine (washing, changing clothes, breakfast), use timers or hourglasses so that the child learns to quickly get ready for school;
• if a student has difficulty getting up early, you can set a new alarm every morning or record a message with a hint where you hid a treat for breakfast, another option is to record his own voice as an alarm melody: children like to listen to themselves in the recording, this will speed up awakening and will make getting up easier.

If you want your child to be independent, do not stop him from taking initiative and making mistakes, be there to make sure he is safe and help if you are asked to do so. Maximum freedom in accordance with age is the most important condition for growing up and the harmonious development of a child’s personality.

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Qualities of a self-sufficient person

Self-sufficiency is a whole set of psychological qualities. Please note: many people often confuse it with independence. But these are different things. An independent person may have aspirations for financial independence, but at the same time remain weak. A self-sufficient person is also strong internally.

Self-sufficiency of a woman

Today, self-sufficiency has become an important quality for a woman. Many people perceive a self-sufficient lady as a strict businesswoman, but such characteristics do not always fully satisfy self-sufficiency. Here the substitution of concepts dictated by the stereotypes of modern society is already beginning. Softness and femininity are not at all a sign of lack of self-sufficiency. So what is she like, a self-sufficient woman?

At a minimum, this is an adult and mature person who adequately assesses himself and his capabilities, looks at life realistically, does not create illusions, and treats others and himself with respect in the first place. She is full of strength and energy, does not stop there, continuing to develop the best qualities in herself. He may have a favorite thing, a hobby, a job that brings not only financial stability and confidence in the future, but also moral satisfaction.

Please note: self-realization is an important condition for female self-sufficiency. Without self-realization there will be no self-confidence, which distinguishes a self-sufficient person. You don't have to have a spectacular career to be self-fulfilled. Each woman determines her own needs: for some it is important to earn big money and have a high status, for others it is enough to simply do what they love to realize their potential. In any of these cases, the woman will be socially self-sufficient, because she is already financially independent.

A self-sufficient woman is a priori smart, has self-esteem, and such a person always takes care of his appearance. Both internal and external. She is not helpless in everyday life, she always looks great and keeps order around her. She is an interesting and harmonious person who does not compete with others, but is ahead only of herself. In the family it gives close people an atmosphere of calm.

A woman who is pleased with herself is a wonderful mother and wife! Pixabay Photos

A self-sufficient woman is independent of a man. Not only financially, but also emotionally. She respects herself and never enters into dependent relationships. At the same time, he does not deliberately flaunt his strength and capabilities. Despite the fact that she can do everything herself, she does not go to extremes and does not refuse reasonable help when it is required. This is what a self-sufficient woman means.

Self-sufficiency of a man

A self-sufficient man is a rock: calm, self-confident, reliable, honest with himself and with the people around him. At the same time, he is very strong in spirit, knows when not to give in, and defends his rights and life principles. He has many qualities that form the basis of a real masculine character.

He always has a clear plan of action; it is difficult to lead him astray while achieving his goal. He has a job he loves and earns good money. He knows what responsibility is not only for himself, but also for his loved ones. Solve problem situations with ease. Practically, a dream man.

Self-sufficient men always achieve their goals. Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Please note: not every woman will be comfortable in a relationship with him. Such men do not quickly decide to start a family; they value their freedom. They are realized, live life to the fullest, and it is difficult for them to change anything in it.

A self-sufficient man is quite direct and demanding. He will always consider himself the main one in the relationship. His word will most likely be decisive. But at the same time, he is ready to make compromises for the sake of his loved one, if he feels sincerity.

He sees the falsity immediately, because he himself is honest in life and demands the same attitude towards himself. He does not tolerate it when they try to manipulate him. He chooses the worthy. Only a wise and internally strong woman can be next to him.

What mistakes do parents make?

All parents strive to raise their children to be independent, but sometimes they unknowingly make mistakes that have the opposite effect. The roughest of them:

• doing for a child what he is able to do himself is easier, faster, safer, more effective, but more detrimental to independence;
• letting your child perform an action on his own, and then redoing it before his eyes - this practice kills the desire to try it yourself next time - why, if the mother will do it much better anyway?
• impose help and advice - in this way the child is deprived of the opportunity to try to solve the problem himself; if this happens regularly, this skill never has time to develop;
• invade the child’s personal space: burst into the room without knocking, put personal belongings in order, check pockets - such actions deprive the child of a sense of security in his own home;
• untimeliness - discrepancy between the set of skills that are being taught and the age of the child;
• punish for the consequences - scold the child if his attempt to show independence ended in a complete fiasco (broke a plate, ruined clothes, etc.);
• use an imperative tone when communicating with a child - this tone allows you to achieve obedience, but solely out of fear, and not because of awareness of the essence of the problem;
• “rescue” at the last moment - coming to the aid of a child who has reached the end, doing housework or homework for him, thereby depriving him of the opportunity to feel the consequences of his disorganization and laziness.

Is self-sufficiency good or bad: pros and cons

Healthy self-sufficiency is a positive personality trait. Such people adequately perceive reality, they are stress-resistant and independent in almost all areas of life. This helps you achieve success in your career, protect yourself from manipulators, or, for example, painlessly survive a breakup.

Developing unhealthy self-sufficiency is not good. These are negative manifestations. When a person lives only by his beliefs, egoism takes over. He becomes too demanding. For him, only his desires, only the satisfaction of his needs matter. He basically doesn't need anyone anymore.

The conscious choice in favor of loneliness is a problem for many self-sufficient people. Photo by cottonbro: Pexels

Please note: such people often remain lonely and don’t even notice it. This is fundamentally wrong. This outcome must be avoided.

How to develop self-sufficiency: advice from psychologists

Developing self-sufficiency is not easy, but it is possible. Here are some practical tips from psychology that are equally suitable for both sexes:

1. Train your willpower;
2. Make it a rule to set goals and fulfill them, start small: gradually you will get the hang of it and come to the realization of big plans;
3. Learn to lead your own life;
4. Strive for complete financial independence, improve your material capabilities;
5. Engage in self-development: read more quality literature, communicate with interesting people, travel, visit exhibitions and museums, go to the theater and cinema;
6. Upgrade your professional skills and abilities, learn from the best;
7. Find a hobby that really interests you;
8. Take care of your health and appearance: start watching what you eat, sign up for a gym or do at least minimal physical activity on your own;
9. Learn to set personal boundaries and not pay attention to the opinions and behavior of other people. This is perhaps the most difficult thing. Start with yourself: respect other people's boundaries, and you will be treated accordingly. If necessary, reconsider your social circle;
10. Do not enter into dependent relationships - respect yourself, avoid addiction in any form;
11. Work through your fears;
12. Learn to take any problem calmly, do not perceive failures and criticism as another failure. On the contrary, it is a reason to make yourself better;
13. Stop relying on someone all the time, take responsibility for your life into your own hands, make important decisions yourself.

Forms of expression of independence

Photo by Marlon Schmeiski: Pexels
Self-reliance comes in three main forms:

• free will;
• lack of guilt for one’s freedom;
• responsibility.

An independent person has free will. He decides how to live, where to work, who to date, when to start a family and whether to start one at all. Have children or build a career, or do both. To exercise or not to exercise. That is, you decide how you want to live, you build your own life.

The second form of showing independence is that you don’t feel guilty about your lifestyle. You realize your moral and social right to live the way you want.

Many adults, even allowing themselves to live the way they want, are constantly faced with feelings of guilt. For example, a woman who went to meet her friends may feel guilty before her husband. Or a girl who decided to become a freelancer rather than a school teacher may feel guilty before her parents, who expected her to follow in their footsteps.

Unadapted to life, dependent: dependent personality disorder

You may even feel guilty for being lazy and doing nothing all day, although you realize that you have every right to do so. But you can’t get rid of guilt. This happens because within us there are attitudes that, if we violate them, it seems to us that we are doing wrong. These attitudes limit our true independence.

Responsibility is the main characteristic feature of independence. One is impossible without the other. It is the fear of responsibility that prevents a person from becoming independent.

When making one choice or another, we are faced with the consequences of this choice. And they may not always be pleasant. Any choice can entail problems that must be solved by the person who made this choice.

Why do we make decisions so easily when in a group? We share responsibility with all its participants and we have, sometimes an imaginary, idea that we will all deal with the consequences of the decision made together. But this is not always the case.

True independence is expressed in the willingness to take responsibility for oneself, one’s life, one’s work, and each of one’s decisions.