Fear of betrayal (wife, husband): how to get rid of it

In this article we will tell you:

Reasons for fear of betrayal
The main signs of fear of betrayal
Ways to deal with the fear of betrayal
Medication assistance for pathological fear of betrayal
Mistakes of women that make you really afraid of your husband cheating

“I’m afraid of my husband’s betrayal” - it is this obsessive thought that often torments girls who have already experienced betrayal in their personal lives. It’s even worse when such manic fear begins to haunt a woman whose family is generally doing well. Then this is clear evidence of personal psychological problems.

In any case, healthy and strong relationships should be built on mutual trust, and not on empty reproaches and worries. We will tell you in this article how you can get rid of the fear of betrayal and live in peace.

general information

Fear of betrayal and jealousy are close in meaning, but still different concepts. Many people confuse these phenomena. If jealousy, within reasonable limits, is useful, since it does not allow passion in a relationship to fade, then such a mental anomaly as fear of betrayal can destroy the relationship.

Fear of betrayal is a feeling that can significantly ruin your life.

This fear is based on distrust and suspicion towards everything. A partner may be an exemplary family man, but the other half is constantly expecting betrayal.

It is necessary to define the very concept of treason.

Development of events or debriefing2

Option 1

The average woman successfully gives birth to an heir, goes on maternity leave and enthusiastically takes care of the child. Rattles, cubes, all kinds of early development schools, walks, menus for babies. In general, the time is completely devoted to the offspring. But, besides this, there are other chores: cleaning, washing and other things. It's good if he succeeds. If not, you can always cover yourself with a diaper and make an offended face. There is no time left for my husband.

The spouse has to be content with a short greeting, listen to a huge stream of information about the number of “sneezes, poops and peees”, learn about promotions on diapers and choke on a steamed cutlet with the remains of porridge. An attempt to mention one’s affairs runs into a blank wall of indifference. My wife is simply not interested. Even if she listens, everything will fall on deaf ears. Her mind is busy thinking about the baby. It’s good if the spouse gets access to the body in the evening.

But there is a high probability of an endless “shh, be quiet, you’ll wake me up”, jumping out of a hug in the middle because the baby squeaked, and most likely it will sound “not today, dear, I’m too tired.”

Attention question! Who started to betray whom? Well, just like that for a minute, purely rhetorically... Option 2

Option 2

The woman decides that she will definitely not be a slut. And she begins to attend all kinds of trainings and seminars for advanced mothers on maternity leave. If he has enough strength and dexterity, he will open his own business. During endless courses, a nanny is invited for the child, home-cooked food smoothly turns into fast food, and all conversations boil down to endless stories about a new trend in psychology, business and other equally exciting things.

Constant travel with a group of like-minded people turns the wife into a “flying Dutchman” who is not visible, but is there. And the husband sits in the evenings with dumplings from the supermarket and a child on his lap, and communicates with his wife only in instant messengers. And again a rhetorical question: who betrayed whom.

There is another option - the third. But this type of wife usually does not face betrayal by a man.

Provoking factors

Cheating is a blow to feelings. It can be either regular or an isolated incident. Every betrayal has a reason; if it is identified and eliminated in a timely manner, long-term relationships can be built.

By nature, a man is polygamous. Scientists have proven that after 3 years of marriage, the love idyll ends and if the couple does not make an effort to maintain the relationship, this will push them to look for new partners. In men, the reproductive instinct is similar to the instinct of animals: the more contacts, the more offspring. To prevent this, a woman should always remain interesting.

Women's infidelity is caused by their partner's inattention. They push a woman into the arms of another, where she can feel loved and desired:

lack of romance in relationships;
everyday problems;
the opportunity to prove your importance to yourself;
a woman can be provoked by her husband's betrayal.

Both men and women can be equally susceptible to the fear of being deceived and becoming a victim.

The meaning of the word "adultery" in various dictionaries

Interpretations of the analyzed concept can be found in various sources of reference literature. In this section we will look at academic definitions of the concept of “adultery”. What does this word mean according to language dictionaries?

The Small Academic Dictionary of the Russian Language gives the following meaning of the analyzed concept: “marital infidelity.” In this case, the man or woman receives the missing pleasure, combined with the danger of publicity.

D. N. Ushakov considers the word “adultery” in two versions:

The fact of adultery.
The person who committed it.

The dictionary of foreign words understands “adultery” as betrayal by one of the spouses to the other.

T. F. Efremov interprets this linguistic concept as outdated and proposes to consider it the infidelity of a husband or wife.

The modern explanatory dictionary also provides a description of the concept of “adultery”. The meaning of the word is formulated here as “adultery.” In this case, the semantic group includes such components as “compensation for the lack of thrills”, “extramarital affair”, “sexual relations”, “emotions”.

Causes

An obsessive fear of losing a relationship can develop for a number of reasons.

Low self-esteem begins in childhood, when the child did not receive enough love and affection. If the parents paid little attention or were very strict, the child made attempts to win love. In adulthood, he will suffer from a bunch of complexes that will give rise to uncertainty in his abilities and appearance.
Failed relationships in the past: Cheating in a previous relationship prevents you from building a new relationship.
Flirting on the side will give rise to the fear of betrayal.
Age: The fear of being deceived occurs in couples where there is a significant age difference. This fear can be explained by age-related changes in appearance and fear of sexual incompetence.
Problems with trust: if there has already been betrayal in a couple’s relationship, then it is difficult to suppress resentment and fear of a repetition of the situation.
My own example: if a person himself is prone to cheating, then he attributes this desire to his partner. In this case, the phobia arises as a reaction to one’s behavior.

Sometimes fear arises from a lack of attention. A feeling of abandonment, uselessness is created, and the fear of being abandoned arises.

How to calculate treason?

There are no completely reliable methods for recognizing adultery, but psychologists advise paying attention to changes in the behavior of your significant other.

“Infidelity can be recognized by changes in your relationship - if your partner moved away, began to work late, became sharply withdrawn, or, conversely, too and unreasonably affectionate, began to hide his phone number, gets confused in stories about how he spent time without you, - then this may be the first signal that he has someone else,” says psychologist Maria Babushkina.

If you notice some signs of betrayal, but do not have reasoned evidence, you should not put pressure on your partner. Psychologist Alexander Shakhov

notes that confession cannot be the goal - it is necessary to collect as many signs of betrayal as possible. And the evidence itself, first of all, is not needed for your partner to confess - you need it.

“If you suddenly doubt your loyalty or want to bring the traitor to clean water, do not show that you suspect him. Do not interrogate, ask casually, just show interest, let him tell his version, clarify the details. You asked a few questions and changed the topic, come back to it in half a day or the next day. Come back and start asking questions about the same details, but from a different angle. Here is another feature of male psychology - men come up with events in chronological order. Therefore, your task is to ask questions not in chronological order, ask details from the end of the story, then the beginning, the middle,” advises Alexander Shakhov.

In this case, if a man is telling the truth, all he needs to do is remember. If he is deceiving, he will begin to get confused and repeat your questions, thus giving himself time to “think” and check for consistency in the chronology of his story/situation. In addition to verbal tricks, there are also non-verbal signs of lying. This could include crossing your arms, scratching your nose, chin, covering your mouth, or looking to the side. However, you should not rely on them 100%; they may be optional.

Alexander Shakhov suggests paying attention to several signs that may mean that a man is cheating on you.

He hides his connections. If a man often sits on his phone and categorically refuses to show with whom he is corresponding, and the mobile phone itself remains blocked and inaccessible to you, this is the very first sign that something is wrong. An honest man has nothing to hide from his partner.

“As a professional psychologist and a man, from the experience of thousands of my clients, I can say that 99% of betrayals could have been prevented and families saved if the principle of open communication had been observed. Ask your friends how they found out about their husband’s infidelity and 99% will answer that they accidentally saw his correspondence on the phone,” comments Alexander Shakhov.

He became indifferent, often irritated. This is a bad sign, it means that he is bored with you, he no longer experiences physical attraction, and a deep emotional connection has not been built. Intimacy can become mechanical; a man often sits at the computer or TV and withdraws emotionally. A common female mistake is to start fights, scandals, make claims and demand. This will only increase the distance. Going out of your way to please doesn’t work either. A man takes everything for granted and only becomes even more impudent.
He adheres to the principles of justificatory philosophy. Every man knows that infidelity is a vice, and in order to overcome the psychological barrier of guilt, he creates an exculpatory philosophy in which he begins to believe and hang it like noodles on women’s ears.

Photo: YAY/TASS
To recognize some more signs, Alexander Shakhov suggests looking at the situation through the eyes of a cheater: he needs to please his mistress (appearance), needs time and place for meetings (disappears at “night meetings”), must maintain communication (correspondence in phone), he needs funds for gifts, flowers, restaurants (spending increases), he will receive gifts from his mistress (new things appear). Let's look at some in more detail. The man begins to pay attention to his appearance: he suddenly went to the gym, began to change his wardrobe, take better care of himself, while maintaining an indifferent or irritable attitude towards his wife. “Meetings at work” or “evening gatherings at a friend’s” have become more frequent. It is clear that the cheater will prepare an alibi for himself, but do so superficially.

“Men rarely think through such nuances in their lies as: what a friend was wearing, how the meeting participants got home after him, what they drank and ate. Sudden questions about details will cause noticeable pauses, excitement, which will be hidden by fidgety movements of the hands and eyes, flashes of irritation and anger that indicate fear. Ask a couple of detailed questions, ask them again a day later, and you may notice inconsistencies (but manipulators remember their answers well). Another way to check: mix a question about a suspicious event with another, neutral one, and ask them, quickly jumping from topic to topic,” says Alexander Shakhov.

Symptoms of fear

It is important to recognize that there is a problem.

Hysterics are the main symptom of fear of betrayal.
Surveillance. Everything is checked, from your pockets to your mobile phone. In some cases, surveillance of the object of love can be carried out using the services of third parties.
Interrogations with passion.
The victim of the relationship tries to create feelings of guilt.

Pathological jealousy is a symptom

Signs

They are impossible not to notice, since the manifestations themselves are literally striking. The personality loses control over itself. Irritability and anxiety appear due to not knowing how to change the depressing situation. It is worth paying attention to other signs.

Vigilant control

If one spouse is desperately afraid of being abandoned, the other feels it. At a subconscious level, there is a distance from such a person. Suddenly there is a desire to control, and to do it twenty-four hours a day. Sometimes such surveillance goes beyond all reasonable limits: it appears constantly: day and night. When a wife does not trust her husband, she will check all his things, read messages on his mobile phone, study e-mail to identify red flags. If suspicions are not confirmed for a long time, you have to look for additional ways to prove that you are right. From the outside, such behavior looks like a disease; it cannot be called normal.

Resentment and suspicion

They follow from the previous point. The reason is simple: the individual ceases to control thoughts and feelings, it becomes difficult for him to cope with his condition. At every opportunity, numerous grievances surface. I remember everything that once did not suit me or inspired disapproval. Accusations from many years ago and unfulfilled desires are used. Often people do not notice how deeply they hurt each other, depriving the opponent of the opportunity to justify himself and see the true state of things for himself. Either way, a lot of positive energy is wasted. The spouses are significantly moving away from each other.

Quarrels and scandals

As trust is lost in a couple, the number of cases where spouses shout and insult each other increases. Quarrels are inevitable where people no longer understand each other, where there is obvious rejection. The fear of abandonment really changes a lot in our minds: more fears, suspicions and scandals appear. It becomes difficult for a person to understand where his own boundaries end and the mental territory of another begins. In addition, increasing intolerance does not allow one to concentrate on family life or feel at least some satisfaction from it.

Fighting methods

To get rid of the fear of betrayal, you need to rethink your behavior and treat fear philosophically, stop exhausting yourself with constant hysterics and paranoid attacks of jealousy.

Getting rid of fear on your own

Learn to love yourself, get your appearance in order, go to a beauty salon, sign up for makeup lessons. A beautiful and well-groomed woman always knows her worth, and she is not afraid to lose her partner.

If fear arose due to lack of attention, then the most effective way to solve this problem is communication. Tell your partner the reason for your fears, spend more time together. Common interests bring us closer together.

When the fear of betrayal arose due to your own example, immediately understand your attitude to this concept.

Help from a psychologist

In severe cases, you cannot do without the help of a specialist. It is worth contacting a psychologist. Usually a couple of sessions are enough for a specialist to determine ways out of the situation.

Medication assistance

Those who are susceptible to the fear of betrayal are forced to live in constant accompaniment of stress or depression. Some medications can reduce the symptoms of fear.

Phytosedan has a powerful sedative effect and prevents the negative effects of stress. This is a natural herbal mixture; to use it, you need to pour two filter bags with a glass of boiling water and leave for 20 minutes. Take 1/3 cup, three times a day. The course of treatment is two weeks.
Persen has a mild relaxing and calming effect. Effective for neurotic conditions, relieves feelings of anxiety and depression. You need to take three tablets three times a day.
Deprim is effective in the fight against depression and anxiety. Take one capsule once daily with meals. The therapeutic effect appears after two weeks of use; if after 4-5 weeks of taking the drug the condition has not improved, you should stop.

To reduce nervous excitability, taking decoctions and infusions of soothing herbs can help.

These include lemon balm, peppermint, motherwort, and valerian. The infusion is prepared as follows: pour 1 teaspoon of the herb with a glass of boiling water, leave for 40 minutes, take half a glass three times a day.

The impact of a phobia on life

Fear itself is a defensive reaction. An acute reaction of the body always has a specific root cause and reason. The reasons can be formed from early childhood, when the basic concepts of an adult are laid down. Even the thought of betrayal, anxiety, or a random event becomes the reason. The irritant creates the appearance of danger, to which the body immediately reacts.

The phobia is based on the victim’s low self-esteem: she accepts fear and does not consider herself worthy of better. The cause of an irrational illness is experienced psychological trauma or developing primary phobias. Whatever the reason for the fear, the subconscious interprets it as a normal reaction. The more often a person thinks about a traumatic event, the more often panic attacks occur.

Desire for revenge

My husband cheated. Either the secret of his affair has been revealed, or there is a “conspiracy of silence” between the spouses (we pretend that no one knows anything), or the husband does not realize that his wife knows everything.

In any case, this betrayal hurts a lot. The desire for revenge, sometimes, seems to be the only way to feel at least a little easier. In this situation, perhaps an emotional connection with a potential lover, common views or interests will not be so important.

What to do?

If you have decided that your offended feelings must be avenged, will anyone be able to harm your plan? However, if you have even a shadow of doubt about the correctness of this decision, then it is extremely important to give yourself the opportunity to choose.

There are various ways to cope with your spouse’s betrayal and how to survive betrayal. If you decide to divorce, this will also require the mobilization of resources. A professional psychologist will also help you cope with the consequences of divorce.

conclusions

Fear of betrayal is an extremely destructive feeling that does not at all work to strengthen and preserve relationships. It is important to get rid of fear before hostility, indifference and indifference towards your partner appear. This could break your couple. You can understand the true causes of your condition with the help of a psychologist-psychotherapist. If the phobia has not yet gained momentum, to combat it yourself, speak openly about your feelings to your partner, and do not forget about self-realization in various areas of life, and not just in matters of family and relationships.