What to do if you are offended by your husband: how to get rid of the oppressive feeling

If it weren’t for the resentment towards my husband, this understanding would never have come to me.

I want to forgive you for your deception and betrayal. Because the family died before it could be formed. For short sex as the only expression of the relationship.

I want to forgive you for not helping me care for him when our newborn baby was screaming around the clock for months. For the quarrels, for the fact that in the most difficult moments you didn’t even hug me, looked at me with contempt and demanded that I pull myself together.

I want to forgive you for driving me away from the house that we dreamed and built together. Because your good mood is a rare guest in our house. If it happens sometimes, you go away and give it to your friends.

I want to forgive you for your stony silence, ignorance, obscurity. For your signature “don’t count on me.” Because when you leave home you don’t say a word.

I was ready for this - I wanted to forgive you. But first I had to look inside myself and face my resentment face to face.

What is resentment

Resentment is the accumulation of negative energy towards a certain person, which gradually destroys from the inside. The more serious the reason, the more difficult it is to get rid of negative feelings, switch to positive aspects, relax and let go of the situation.

READ What to do if a girl is offended: keys to understanding the female soul

Each person has his own level of sensitivity and individual sensitive points. Most often, we are offended by loved ones who do not live up to our expectations and commit unacceptable acts.

Often there are resentments against the husband, who, with his words or behavior, hurts his wife’s pride.

What to do when your husband is incredibly annoying?

“I can’t even look at him!”

I congratulate you, your degree of irritability has reached its extreme, and now the next step is anger and hatred.

Perhaps, somewhere in the depths of your soul, there is still a little hope that you can change everything, somewhere there is a memory of how happy you were with this person?

And if you have hope and a little love, then this means there is a chance that you can change the current situation in your family for the better.

So, let's go...

In the second part of the article, I have prepared a good exercise for you that can look a little deeper into the reasons for your irritation with your husband.

In the meantime, we will go through ways to relieve irritation, and you will receive several recommendations.

Why should grievances be rejoiced?

From a psychological point of view, resentment is a growth zone of the internal subconscious. A person is most often offended by the truth, this confirms that he accepts such criticism and agrees with it. If your husband said that you are overweight, and this makeup looks provocative, then being offended is a sign of agreement with him.

Women can regularly be offended by their husbands, but you need to understand what to do in this situation. First, determine for yourself whether you are ready to accept criticism, whether you can change in order not to quarrel. Disappointments help a person move forward, change for the better, and improve himself. Work on yourself, focus on those qualities of yours whose criticism offends you the most. You will soon notice that this will only benefit you.

What do constant grievances lead to?

In a strong, harmonious family there is no place for discord. Relationships are a constant work on yourself and your behavior. And amazing things happen. A woman falls in love with what she thinks is an ideal person. But then she constantly gets offended by the guy. There are always reasons. Although the man, in fact, is not to blame for anything. It was the girl who came up with the desired image for herself. Resentment, coupled with the desire to change a loved one, accumulates over the years. As a result, partners either endure destructive relationships or separate without being able to revive them.

The saddest thing is that touchy ladies also undermine their health. Anger and aggression cause an excess of adrenaline. This leads to disruption of the functioning of internal organs. How to stop being offended by your boyfriend or husband? Think about your physical condition and start radiating positive energy. Next I will present ready-made recipes.

How to Forgive and Let Go of Annoyance: 5 Steps

Every woman should know how to forgive an insult to her beloved husband, let go of the situation, and not spoil the relationship because of little things. There are 5 proven psychological methods that allow you to understand the causes of annoyance and easily get rid of them, without creating difficulties or the danger of breakups.

READ Behavior after a quarrel: what to do to make your girlfriend forgive you

What to do if you are offended by your husband, you need to figure it out in detail. Resentment is a destructive emotion. By keeping it inside yourself for a long time, you destroy your energy and help negativity influence your life. If you don't know how to deal with intense resentment toward your husband, review the 5 basic steps below.

Step 1: blacklist of grievances

Many girls do not know how to let go of their grudge against their husband and continue to live in joy and love. There is a good psychological technique that requires paper and pen.

At the top of the sheet you need to write your husband's name. Then it is worth describing in detail each reason that provokes destructive emotions. Having listed them, you can determine for yourself that some of them have no value in order to accumulate negativity in yourself for a long time.

In their practice, psychologists encounter situations where women are offended by their men for a specific purpose - to get attention and affection. This behavior is laid down on a subconscious level since childhood, and in adulthood it sometimes makes itself felt. If you are used to being given gifts after pretending to be offended, then this is manipulation by your loved one. You need to get rid of it, if necessary, turning to psychologists for help.

Psychosomatics of resentment, is it possible to get sick from resentment?

Being offended, we become angry, become absent-minded and inattentive. The pulse quickens and the blood pressure rises. Anxiety leads to headaches, and high blood pressure can trigger a stroke. As you can see, it is quite possible to get sick from resentment.

Insomnia due to worries and anxiety also does not add to your health. As a result of a sleepless night, you can get injured at work due to fatigue, or even get hit by a car.

There is an opinion that unforgiven grievances lead to cancer. This fact has not received scientific confirmation. Psychologists have met people with feelings of resentment who have been diagnosed with cancer, but the coincidence is due to the prevalence of cancer and the lack of early diagnosis.

Advice from psychologists

If you want to learn how to deal with grievances, read the advice of psychologists that you need to remember all the time:

1. Remember your own dignity, do not allow resentment to settle in your thoughts.
2. Resentment will bring nothing but negative emotions.
3. Charge yourself with positive emotions.
4. Relieve stress with your favorite activities.
5. Communicate more with positive people.
6. Voice all negative points.

Each person decides for himself whether to store up a grudge or immediately let it go. Agree with your subconscious to respond easily and quickly to the offender, without letting him into your thoughts.

What should I do now with this irritation with my husband?

Exercise

You need to translate the unconscious into the conscious, so to speak, to bring into the white light all your attitudes, programs and beliefs about your family life.

Take a piece of paper and write down all your ideas about an ideal family life - what should a family be like, and what kind of relationship should it have between spouses?

On this piece of paper, for now you write only about your family, about your relationships.

For example, a family is friendly, in relationships: trust, mutual understanding, support, attention to each other, etc.

The next point, write your thoughts about what kind of wife should be?

• How does she run the house?
• How does he feel about himself?
• How does she feel about her husband?

Just write, whatever comes from your head, you don’t need to compare yourself and think, I don’t have this or I’m a bad housewife. Now is not the time to blame yourself and reproach yourself, just write down everything that is sitting in your head.

And the last point, what should a husband be like?

• What does he do around the house, what does he help with?
• How much money does he earn?
• How does he treat his wife, how does his love and care manifest itself?

Again, we don’t compare or blame, we just write our ideal version.

When you write, put your papers aside for a while, maybe a day, maybe two.

And after a short break, you will need to complete the next step.

Take each of the sheets of paper and think about how real these ideas of yours are?

Now that you know your husband well, you know what family everyday life consists of, and you know yourself much better than you did some time ago, based on this current knowledge, go through your old expectations.

Turn on your brains and think sensibly about what is written and expected, maybe in our relationship?

I am sure that 70 percent of your expectations and illusions about family life will never spoil your life again.

Watch the video “What to do if your husband is annoying and annoying?”

Incidents not deserving of forgiveness

You can easily forgive your husband’s minor sins, words spoken rashly, and absurd actions, but you cannot turn a blind eye to rudeness and insults addressed to you, since a girl must value and respect herself. Incidents that do not forgive:

1. Assault. Psychologists say that if you hit once, you will hit again. A man, feeling his physical strength, understands that communicating his point of view to his wife is much easier than spending hours explaining the motives for his actions. But this is done mainly by mentally weak individuals who are unable to conduct a constructive dialogue. Beating his wife over and over again, he takes pleasure in her humiliation, using increasingly sophisticated torture.
2. The husband abuses the children. He presents beating as an effective method of education, without which children will not grow up to be normal people. However, the mother is obliged to protect her children from all the offenders in the world, even if one of them is the natural father. If a woman is not indifferent to the fate of her children, then it is better to rid them of such a dad.
3. Insults in public. A spouse who likes to tell friends the details of his intimate life, without mincing words, publicly criticizes, offends and calls him names, does not deserve the love of his half. A woman who has not lost her self-esteem should say goodbye to such a man.

READ

How to make peace with your beloved husband: a selection of different options

If a man knows how to admit his mistakes and does not forget to apologize, then it makes sense to try to save the family. But if the incident is repeated a second time, a third time, then you should immediately pack your things and leave your ungrateful spouse. He won't change.

How to learn not to be offended by loved ones

The first thing you need to do when you feel this emotion is to become aware of it. You can understand the situation and correct it only if you accept what worries you and voice it. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the one who hurt you. Did he really want this? Is he aware of what was said or done? Often we overthink and take things too close to our hearts that actually have no direct relation to us. Perhaps your husband answered you harshly because he is in a bad mood due to problems at work. Everyone has different values, priorities and pictures of the world.

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Remember that you yourself can be tired, sleep-deprived, forgetful and inattentive - anything can happen in your head and in life. And you are not always ready to consciously control your state, reaction and behavior.

Learn to catch yourself at the moment of approaching negative emotions and ask clarifying questions to the alleged offender. Understand whether he really wanted to hurt you, or whether you are simply making unfounded conclusions about his words.

Figure out why you get offended by everything and how to prevent it

Increase your level of emotional intelligence and awareness. Try to start keeping a mood diary, periodically stopping and noticing:

• How are you feeling now?
• Why did this feeling arise?

Write down the answers to these questions and thus collect a collection of points that affect your condition.

Look at life with a positive attitude

Develop positive thinking, learn to have fun and turn into a joke any conscious or unconscious attempts to offend you. Keep it simple and allow people to make mistakes. Farewell. You will see - life will become much more pleasant.

How to ignore trifles and not look for reasons for resentment in life: value your time

To be offended means to waste a lot of nerves and energy on fruitless thoughts and self-pity. Let your mind be occupied by more important things: good work, the desire to have a good time with your loved one, a hobby. If you find a free moment to be angry and offended, then you can find room in your schedule for creation.

Play sports

Switch your head from negativity to internal and external transformations. Physical activity fills the body with vigor, improves mood and helps free the mind from unnecessary thoughts.

read books

Enrich your inner world. Resentment, from the point of view of my psychology, is a trait of insecure people who often feel offended, including towards themselves. To develop confidence, you need to constantly grow above yourself, develop, and expand the boundaries of your worldview.

Proper society

Pay attention to those with whom you communicate most often. How do these people influence you? Are you benefiting from this communication? Minimize contact with those who are often offended and condemn others. Think about how you can expand your environment by filling your space with successful, positive, growing people.

It’s difficult to admit that you want to receive attention, affection, recognition from the offender

In any spiritual tradition, resentment is considered a completely inharmonious state, and it is recommended to remove it from the soul by forgiving your offender. By the way, despite all the harmfulness of the state of resentment, silent and humble forgiveness of tyranny or deception towards oneself, from the point of view of psychology, leads to the state of victim. And also to the gradual acceptance of the position: others have the right to treat me as they please.

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And this is hardly compatible with high self-esteem, safety and comfort. Therefore, it is so important to understand and express your emotions and needs and do this in a manner that is respectful to the interlocutor, without reproaches or insults. It is important to be able to express how painful or unpleasant this or that treatment was, to be able to explain why this is so, what meanings are behind certain actions (emphasizing your unimportance, lack of love, value).

Another important skill that is often lacking in working with resentment is the ability to recognize an unmet need that lies much deeper than the resentment. People can hang around for a long time and passionately in experiencing their resentment and savoring injustice, but it is much more difficult to admit that in fact they want to receive attention, affection, and recognition from the offender.

To do this, you need to admit to yourself that this person is very important to you and you need something from him. This is no longer a position of strength, but a position of request and vulnerability. Admitting that you need something can sometimes be inexpressibly difficult, but without this it is impossible to get what you want and achieve a harmonious state.

If the situation of resentment has been discussed, needs have been expressed, requests have been formulated, tears have been cried and some kind of response has been received from the other side, then forgiveness comes by itself, because a sincere person does not seek to remain in a state of resentment for a long time.

If a woman knows for sure that being with this man is her decision, she strives to do the work associated with emotional unloading as quickly as possible. She knows how to see: the good that exists in a relationship is immeasurably greater than the negativity associated with resentment.

It’s another matter when a woman sees a man as a convenient provider of resources for the implementation of her family project. Then any attempt by a man to be distracted by personal interests not related to the family will be mercilessly punished by resentment, which in this case is nothing more than controlling the behavior of another person. Such a woman will not strive to free herself from resentment, because otherwise she will lose her only leverage over her husband.

Preventing hurt feelings in relationships

What can be done to ensure that situations where a man is offended and a showdown occurs as rarely as possible? Try to get to know your partner well. What he loves, what he is interested in, what plans he makes for life and for the near future, what he dreams about. Communicate more, spend time together, respect each other’s feelings, then there will be much less reason for offense.

Think about it, how often do you get offended? How do you show resentment? Are you a manipulator or do you withdraw into yourself? If your spouse offends you, behave exactly as you would like him to behave. Be alone with yourself, calm down, and then calmly explain to your significant other what he did wrong and why his behavior hurt your feelings.

Become the best version of yourself. Try to evaluate your relationship from the outside. Are you good enough for your partner? Are you trying to be a good wife to him? Do not strive for the ideal; there cannot be an ideal in this regard. But you still need to think about it. Show your husband by your example: what a big difference there is between coldness and care and affection. Give your man love, warmth and attention. Try to convey to him what kind of relationship you would like, ask what kind of relationship he would like? And together, together, go towards your happy future.

And the main advice: try not to offend your loved one. Discuss problems, communicate, this will help prevent conflicts. Love and appreciate each other.

What not to do

In an obsessive desire to punish the offender, women often do stupid things, for which they later pay bitterly. This is because they are driven by anger, which blocks the mind.

So, what not to do in pursuit of revenge:

• damage someone else's property (scratch a car, break into an apartment, beat equipment in a fit of anger, set fire to his office), for this you can be held accountable;
• injure a negligent man;
• lose your own dignity in the desire to prick the cheater (cheat in response);
• take revenge on a rival (pursue, threaten, ruin her life);
• punish a man through feelings of guilt (try to commit suicide);
• involving innocent people (parents, children, loved ones) in this is unjustified cruelty on your part.

Revenge is still destructive. It can significantly spoil not only the reputation, but also the lives of people. Both for you (if you are obsessed with this feeling) and for the partner who once behaved wrongly. Psychologists advise punishing the offender only if there is no other way to let go of the situation. And if you let off steam through punishment, then only in such a way that it does not harm anyone. It will only be enough for a man to hurt his feelings and deal a blow to his male pride. Everything else is superfluous.

Ways to deal with resentment towards your spouse

The feeling of resentment towards her husband depresses a woman, so she looks for possible ways to heal her soul. Some girls turn to psychologists, others to God, and others seek solace in the arms of loved ones. But if desired, everyone comes to healing.

Psychological techniques

“The Technique of Complete Forgiveness” is an effective psychological technique that helps in 6 stages to completely get rid of feelings of resentment. Detailed steps:

1. A woman must admit to herself that resentment lives in her soul. Only by understanding the cause of irritability and nervousness will the spouse be able to control her emotional behavior.
2. Don't make hasty decisions in the heat of the moment. It is advisable to exhale several times, calm down, put your thoughts in order, and then think about the problem.
3. It is recommended to identify the main cause of the offense. Perhaps a woman is too demanding of her husband or endows him with non-existent qualities that he is unable to justify. A girl should take her husband’s place and try to understand what guided his actions.
4. It is advisable to look at the current situation from the outside. Identify the positive and negative aspects of resentment. Try to draw a positive conclusion from a life lesson.
5. You should not withdraw into yourself and wait until your spouse deigns to ask for forgiveness. You need to discuss the problem with your husband. After all, unspoken resentment is a toxin that poisons a person’s soul, increasing viciousness and aggressiveness.
6. Let go of the grudge. Sincere forgiveness will help you completely get out of an unpleasant emotional state.

The technique does not imply that a woman needs to erase offensive episodes from her memory. It helps to learn a lesson, identify weak points in family life and draw conclusions.

Appeal to God

The ability to forgive is a manifestation of wisdom in the Christian faith. The principle of forgiveness is also found in Islam. The Prophet said that if a person stands during an offense, then it is better for him to sit down. If changing your position does not help, then you need to lie down and calm down.

In Orthodoxy, after quarrels, disagreements or insults against their husbands, religious women turn with prayers to holy couples, whose married life was permeated with love, fidelity and mutual understanding. It can be:

1. Joachim and Anna, father and mother of the Virgin Mary.
2. Fevronia and Peter.
3. Moscow Matrona.
4. Natalia and Adrian.

Priests recommend lighting candles in front of holy images while reading prayers. With its help, the spouse will be able to cleanse her soul, stop blaming her husband and overcome her resentment. You can read the prayer in a whisper or to yourself, putting all the power of your feelings into the words.

If a woman does not know a special prayer, then she can read “Our Father” or ask the priest about a text suitable for the occasion. And when you come home, repeat the prayer before the saints and sprinkle the house with holy water.

Help from loved ones

Home psychotherapy is very effective. A girl can turn to her mother or friend for advice or consolation. Sometimes it is useful to hear what a loved one thinks about a situation. You should tell your interlocutor all the details of the situation that caused a burning offense. Perhaps, after the conversation, the conflict will seem far-fetched, the husband will no longer be the worst, and the annoyance will disappear.

READ

How to understand that your husband has fallen out of love: signs of indifference on the part of your spouse

If we are talking about treason

It's a rare woman who can forgive a man for cheating and forget about it as an unpleasant incident. But most wives cannot close their eyes to betrayal, so a happy marriage ends in divorce. In another case, two people continue to live under the same roof, maintaining the appearance of a family for the sake of small children or because of financial interdependence. Then the woman has to put up with her husband’s betrayal and try to survive and forgive his weakness, going through two stages.

First stage. First, she needs to have a frank conversation with her husband about whether he can guarantee fidelity in the future. The matter concerns not only physical betrayal, but also moral one. There is no need to rush him to answer. Let him think a little and make an informed decision. If he is not ready to remain faithful, then the couple should immediately run away and not torment each other.

Second phase. If a man has vowed not to look at other women, then the wife needs to learn to trust her husband again. Don’t torment yourself and your phone when he’s late at work, don’t check his email and correspondence on social networks, don’t remember his mistake at every opportunity.

Before forgiving a strong offense, a girl needs to decide for herself whether she can continue to live with her beloved traitor or should she not even try? Perhaps the decision to break up will be the right one, and you will be able to maintain a normal relationship with your ex-husband.

The roots of human resentment in psychology: what it is, resentment, and how to deal with it

Vulnerability is a consequence of deep mental trauma. This behavior is typical of those with an inferiority complex, self-doubt, low self-esteem and inability to take responsibility. Needless to say, all this greatly interferes with the development of harmonious relationships.

Psychologist Daria Milai

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Touchy people are constantly waiting for someone to help them, make them happier, do what they think is necessary and right, and are very worried if someone does not fit into the framework of what they want. But is your emotional state, happiness and comfort really the responsibility of another person?

Revenge strategy

Before taking revenge on the man who offended you, look at the situation from different angles to calculate the possible outcome. To do this you need to cool down. Perhaps yesterday the partner’s action seemed like the beginning of the end, but today the offended party will perceive it differently.

Psychologists do not advise taking revenge on a man for grievances if a woman continues to be in a relationship with him, since war is a fiasco. But if simple conversations and logical arguments are not able to change anything, and the strength to resist the blank wall has run out, it’s time to choose a punishment for the negligent man. What it will be depends on the extent of the damage caused to you.

Before deciding on a course of action, think over a punishment plan. To do this, think about all the options for the outcome of your planned revenge, weigh all the pros and cons, try to predict your man’s reaction. If he has a hot temper, think twice about whether revenge will bring you serious harm.

Proceed with action only when everything is weighed and sorted.

What to do if irritation turns into hatred?

After I recorded the video, some subscribers wrote to me in the comments:

“Natalia, unfortunately, I have been looking for an approach to my husband for 13 years, his good character traits have disappeared without a trace. We have been divorced several times, but we live for the sake of the child, although I know that this is wrong. Please tell me what to do?”

«What is this all for? Perform artificial respiration on a corpse? »

“I gave birth 5 months ago, I still don’t want sex, we’ve been living together for 16 years, my eldest son is 15, he pisses me off ahhhhh my husband, in everything, he beat me, broke my leg, I forgave him, I can’t stand him.”

In such cases, I can only say one thing - leave!

But today I won’t write about hatred and how to free myself from it, this is a big topic, and a separate article is needed.

I finish here, and I hope that I was able to answer your request - how not to be annoyed by your husband with the advice of a psychologist?

I offer you several articles on the topic of problems in family relationships:

If your husband doesn't talk after a quarrel

8 reasons why your husband is always unhappy

7 reasons why a husband doesn't respect his wife?

Why doesn't my husband say he loves me?

10 tips on how to stop swearing over small things?

Be loved and happy!

Sincerely, family psychologist Natalia Gnezdilova

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New behavior models are the path to success!

“...It was this week that I found out that my loved one was simultaneously dating another girl. There was a huge shock. A noticeable blow to my self-esteem, because... I was confident in his reciprocity and in my irresistibility :).

But, surprisingly, she somehow quickly pulled herself together, and even smiled, so she didn’t fall into depression. I made many useful conclusions, the main one: I did not know how to be valuable to a man. Will be studying.

By the way, I had the task of training only constructive criticism towards myself. I think I did it, although not without difficulty. After studying this week’s materials, I analyzed my strengths and weaknesses. I assessed what needs to be worked on...”

Anastasia.

Women love to use the well-worn models of typical losers. “He cheats - I suffer, I behave like a little offended girl, I blame him (and myself) for everything, I become depressed, and I become like a victim.”

What's the end result?

Low self-esteem, poor appearance, inner light disappears, and with it Charm and Attractiveness. This is the loser model.

But there is another model: Problems come - say “hello” to them! And then start solving them with redoubled force. And the energy that you previously spent on self-destruction will be spent on self-creation.

What result will you get?

There are fifty new gentlemen around you, and even the old one wants to return. You are on a horse and have the ability to control the situation. Your self-esteem grows, and along with it, your opportunities in life grow.

If you want to learn how to solve problems this way, join us for the course “DAO: The Woman’s Way”

and learn with us to look at the world from the perspective of an Adult, and build your life using behavioral models of successful people. For example, like this:

Tips for Dealing with Touchy Men

Living with a touchy man can be very difficult. Not every girl can tolerate such a character of her chosen one.

But if your feelings are strong and you are ready to cope with difficulties, then the following tips will help you build a happy relationship:

• Vulnerable men, when offended, often want you to feel sorry for them. In difficult situations, be a “vest” for your loved one, because who else can he cry on if not his woman.
• Don't resort to force. If you live with a touchy man, forget about assault, even as a joke. They may not forgive you for this.
• Don't yell at your husband. A gentle, calm voice and the absence of hysterics will help create a strong union. And loud showdowns and scandals can destroy them.
• Don't get personal. Evaluating a person, and especially insulting him, will only aggravate any situation.
• Laugh at your husband's jokes, even if they don't seem funny to you at all. A man wants to amuse you and conquer you with his sparkling sense of humor, let him do this.
• Remember that respect is the key to a happy relationship. Remember often the positive qualities of a man, thanks to which you chose him as your spouse.
• Try to avoid harsh criticism of your loved one. Don't say: “You did it wrong. Redo it urgently!”, try rephrasing it, for example: “You did a great job. Let’s try to change it a little,” and you will see the difference.

If you have entered into a relationship with a touchy man, know that for him you are not only a wife, but also a second mother. Love him, feel sorry for him, encourage him, forgive his misdeeds. After all, having such a character, a man resembles an adult child.

And most importantly, listen to your heart. If you truly love a person and want to be with him, you will have to put up with his character. If you are not ready for such a life and do not want to always “lead” a man with you, build a relationship with another man.