A large number of married couples suffer from lack of trust in each other. The reason very often is the suspicion of a husband or wife of infidelity. Sometimes such thoughts are completely groundless, and sometimes they have quite good reasons. Women always feel very keenly any changes in their husband’s behavior, and immediately attribute such signs to the appearance of another woman on the side. Although, on the other hand, a man may simply be very tired at work, or he may have some problems. After all, you don’t want to seem like a hysterical person who starts scandals out of the blue either. After several such scenes, the husband may not go to his mistress, but simply to nowhere. But there are still suspicions, and you can’t get rid of them so easily. So what to do if you suspect your husband of cheating?
Statistics say that men are more inclined to have affairs. It can sometimes be quite difficult for a woman to get rid of obsessive thoughts in her head, especially if her husband really gives reasons for jealousy. At some moments, a woman may realize that she suspects her husband of cheating . And what to do in such a situation? Trying to cope with negative thoughts on your own? Hire a detective for surveillance?
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It is very difficult to openly argue with someone you love.
Confronting a loved one is always difficult. Especially if you have to blame your partner for something that could potentially ruin your relationship. Psychologists always teach us to talk openly about our problems so that they do not accumulate and turn into a snowball. But is it worth accusing your partner of infidelity if instead of evidence you only have suspicions?
This is the situation faced by 33-year-old Christina McGuinness. One day she saw photographs of her husband standing in an embrace with another woman. Christina felt so bad from what she saw that she almost lost consciousness. And yet she decided not to express her suspicions and keep the problem quiet. Why? It was just hard for her to decide on open confrontation with her husband.
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“It wasn’t about my forgiveness or trust,” says Christina. “I didn’t think about my feelings at the moment when I made the decision. I just wanted my children to have the father I never had. So I pretended that I had never seen these photographs. And now that I was able to forgive the offense, my marriage has only become stronger and more reliable. So I don’t regret the decision I made.”
Who is prone to monogamy?
Now I would like to talk about monogamy. What could be the reason for such a choice? As practice shows, most often people who are socially phobic, conservative, neurotic, and anxious are monogamous. They will not risk their peace of mind, increase their anxiety or add to their feelings of guilt.
It also happens (most often among women) that you only need one person while you are filled with vivid emotions. He cheats, she is filled with resentment and jealousy. He is in demand by other women, which means he is valuable. All her passion rests on these explosive feelings; if her partner becomes faithful, the emotions will disappear, followed by interest in him.
Love is a feeling that arises under conditions. Any love is conditional, which means it has time limits. Even a mother's love has conditions. While the child is small, he is loved. When a child grows up and becomes a drug addict, bringing trouble to the family, the mother wants to get rid of him.
Should you speak openly about your suspicions of cheating?
Christina's example, of course, may seem inspiring. But it’s not always worth hushing up your suspicions. Ignoring the problem can hardly be called the best way out of the situation, even if you are doing it for the sake of your children and their future.
Lucy Beresford, psychotherapist and relationship expert, agrees with this thesis. “I believe that the habit of hushing up dissatisfaction in a marriage will not lead to anything good,” she says. — The more problems you accumulate, the less you communicate with your spouse. And this has a bad effect on feelings and overall intimacy. If you deny problems, it will sooner or later destroy your relationship."
Silencing problems is not the same as solving them. You do not get rid of the resentment, but hide it deep inside yourself. There they will continue to grow, giving rise to ever new suspicions. The more you worry about your partner's fidelity, the more anxious you will become. Constant worry is bad for your emotional state.
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Covering up problems also damages your self-esteem because you stay in relationships that are toxic to you. “In other words, you don't see clarity in your future and don't feel safe with your spouse,” says Lucy.
If you don't have evidence, don't dump all your suspicions on your partner.
And yet Lucy does not deny that there are times when it is better to remain silent about your suspicions of treason. This applies to cases where a woman does not have evidence confirming her partner’s infidelity.
“Consider the case of Christina,” says the psychologist. “She saw a photograph of her husband standing in an embrace with an unfamiliar woman. Does this indicate cheating? Hardly. Of course, there could be something big between them, but Christina had no evidence. Therefore, she decided not to undermine trust with her suspicions. Perhaps Christina would have acted differently if the fact of betrayal had been supported by more significant evidence.”
When you accuse your partner of cheating, you are openly saying that you no longer trust him. This has a detrimental effect on relationships. By making complaints, you make your partner defensive and make excuses when in fact he did nothing wrong. If such attacks become regular, he will probably think about breaking up. After all, relationships without trust have no meaning.
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Lovereport.ru
Do you suspect your husband of cheating, but there is no evidence? Lovereport is one of the most effective ways to check your soulmate. Using this online service, you can very quickly collect information about any social network user and his activity in relation to other users. It is also possible to find the desired account on social networks by photo. The service guarantees complete anonymity of the service provided: the person you verified will never know about it. You will receive a full report, which will indicate:
- accounts with which the person being verified communicates the most, likes;
- recently published posts by the user, the most active commentators on these posts.
- You can also find a profile by photo, study its activity and a large amount of additional information.
You can check your soulmate on one or several social networks: Instagram, VK, dating sites.
This is a really good thing for convicting a spouse of cheating or an opportunity to make sure of the fidelity of your other half.
Don’t bring up old grievances if you decide to forgive the betrayal
“You absolutely cannot hush up your offense if you know for sure that there has been betrayal,” continues Lucy. - When you ignore betrayal, you unwittingly let your partner know that you encourage such behavior. Even if you decide to forgive him, you need to talk and tell him about your feelings.”
Another important nuance: forgiven betrayal cannot be used as an argument for future quarrels. There is no need to reproach your partner for infidelity if you decide to save the marriage. Letting go of betrayal is always difficult, so it is important not to stir up old quarrels.
“Once you've talked and decided to stay together, it's important to look to the future without looking at the past,” says Lucy. “You won’t be able to save your marriage if you don’t work through old grievances.” You will return to them over and over again, and this will completely undermine the trust in your relationship.”
How to live after betrayal: advice from a psychologist
The most difficult question for a devoted wife is how to live further, in full confidence that her husband is cheating? The obvious solution here is divorce. Not everyone can sincerely forgive the deception of a loved one. If it is not possible to maintain the previous trusting relationship, then it is undoubtedly better to part ways.
But what if a woman doesn’t want to end the relationship? It is necessary to understand that a similar situation may repeat in the future. If you want to be married to this particular man, you need to accept and let go of what happened. Otherwise, life will turn into absolute hell with endless reproaches and scandals. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back. When a married couple has children, parents will have to make every effort to maintain normal communication so that the stress is not passed on to the kids. The discord between mom and dad will definitely have an impact on the children.
Talk to your partner about what he considers cheating.
Forgiving betrayal is not the same as covering it up. In this case, you do not swallow the fact of betrayal, but work to solve the problem. You acknowledge that you may feel hurt and depressed, but you are still willing to talk about what hurts you.
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“In my practice, women were often hesitant to talk because they were afraid that their complaints would ruin the marriage,” says Lucy. “I always advised raising an unpleasant topic carefully. Don't start with accusations. Ask your partner what exactly he considers cheating. Maybe you are hurt by the fact that a man is hugging another woman in a photo. But for him, such hugs are simply an expression of friendly affection.”
What not to do when testing your husband's fidelity
Wives, tormented by suspicions, often choose the wrong line of behavior, as a result of which they make a lot of mistakes. In this case, there is no desired result - the beloved remains silent like a partisan. Since women are very emotional by nature, they tend to rush things and throw scandals as soon as they find the first confirmation of their doubts.
Psychologists recommend keeping yourself in control and behaving with dignity. If you cannot cope with betrayal on your own, it is better to seek help from a professional psychologist with extensive experience in the field of family relationships. He will help you cope with the pain, accept what happened and draw the right conclusions about whether it is worth saving the family. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back
Constantly pay attention to your self-esteem
“In my practice, women often refuse to communicate about unpleasant topics because they are afraid of losing their partner,” says Lucy. “They think it’s better to ignore the problem than to be left alone.” This indicates a woman's low self-esteem. If everything is fine with her, if you respect yourself as a person, you will openly express to your partner those things that do not suit you. And this is especially true for topics related to betrayal. After all, infidelity is not only a betrayal, but also an open act of disrespect for one’s partner.”
Lucy believes that fear of discussing such serious topics is unlikely to help you strengthen your relationship. On the contrary, the inability to express your emotions provokes aggravation of resentment. And it leads to the fact that we involuntarily move away from our partner and lose our emotional connection with him.
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Proponents of polygamy
As for polygamy, of course, it is more common among men. They choose as a mistress someone who is similar to his wife, but younger. In this case, love for his legal wife is based on guilt, fear of being caught, and intrigue. His wife is his base, his stability. You can be yourself with her, get sick, have children, you can trust her. Here feelings are prolonged, and lovers can appear periodically, even change.
Sometimes, on the contrary, the mistress is the complete opposite of the wife. The husband unconsciously chooses something unacceptable for his pleasures: a bright lady bordering on a girl of easy virtue. He understands that he will not live with such a person, and he himself is calmer for his family, he knows that he will not leave them. In such a union, only impressions are important. A man does not need complete freedom, because it is responsibility, it is scary. And you can share this responsibility with your wife.
Wives are not looking for a fresh incarnation of their husband, but rather the exact opposite. For such a woman, a husband is also an indicator of stability, and a lover fills in the missing pieces, like a puzzle. She is having fun, but such a man cannot be trusted completely.
