“Adult” bullying: what to do if you are harassed at work

In essence, bullying is a psychological game

Bullying at work is a common phenomenon in domestic companies. In Europe and the United States, they have been ringing the alarm bell for a long time and taking action: they prescribe the rules of communication in a team in the code of ethics, organize conferences, and conduct internal trainings. The price of the issue is high - people who could contribute to the prosperity of the company leave due to conflict situations in the team created by individual employees.

Bullying in the workplace (from the English verb bully - intimidation) is the psychological terror of an employee by a colleague or group of colleagues. The goal is to force the victim to leave his place of work or to “put” the victim in his place.

Thus, one of my clients, who worked for five years as a commercial director in a construction company, was forced to vacate his position by the executive director. She came to the company under the patronage of the co-founder and took the leadership position that was promised to the client. He accepted the situation because he had worked for the company since its founding, dreamed of bringing it to the international level and made every effort to achieve this. Did not happen. A conflict broke out. She did not give way to profitable deals, he was indignant, trying in vain to settle the situation on his own. After the last significant deal disrupted by the executive director, the client quit. Three years later, the company went bankrupt, and dozens of people lost their jobs.

When they met years later, she asked for his forgiveness and explained her behavior this way: “You see,” she said, “my husband left for another woman, leaving me with two small children. So that I would not be left hanging, he assigned me to this company as a manager. I saw you as a threat, because you were vying for my place, so I did everything possible to make you leave.”

How to define bullying?

The Workplace Bullying Institute defines workplace terror as:

• repeated mistreatment of an employee by one or more co-workers;
• offensive behavior that threatens, humiliates or intimidates;
• work sabotage;
• verbal abuse.

“Bullying is based on power,” says Tara Fischler, a conflict resolution specialist. “When someone feels threatened or helpless, they try to influence other people through intimidation.”

Pressure creates fear, and fear creates authority, drawing attention to the pursuer. The team instinctively takes his side, without really delving into the essence of the conflict. Having frightened with his pressure, the pursuer sets a precedent: the victim waits in suspense for the next blow, and the team discusses with interest the next decisive act of the pursuer.

In essence, bullying is a psychological game in which each participant navigates the triangle “Victim - Persecutor - Savior”. It can have devastating consequences on a person's career and reputation.

A young woman, a digital manager, joined the marketing department of a manufacturing company. The informal leader of the group that applied for this place immediately said: either you or me. And the game began. There was no talk of healthy competition from a colleague. They used gossip, ridicule, reports to superiors about her alleged incompetence, turning employees against her, and so on. Since the girl had just joined the company, she did not feel confident.

Trying to resolve the conflict with the leader, the new employee made compromises and concessions in resolving important issues. By demonstrating her readiness to retreat, she turned against herself even those who were initially on her side.

To normalize the situation in the team, the management took measures - the informal leader of the team was removed from his position. But when the colleague left, the bullying did not stop; it spread like a virus to the team and it became more and more difficult to work in it. Having burned out emotionally after two months, the girl left the company.

The atmosphere in the women's team

Now let's move on to a more specific topic - relationships in the women's team. Above we have presented general rules intended for both women and men. But it is worth understanding that the female and male teams, as they say in Odessa, are “two big differences.”

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1. It doesn't matter in what mood you crossed the threshold of the new office. Be kind, smile and show everyone your goodwill. Yes, perhaps the return move will be accompanied by the hissing of “snake” tongues, but do not be afraid. This always happens when new “blood” joins the team. Now your task is to ensure that the employees who want to tear you apart become your friends. In any case, it’s worth trying, and if it doesn’t work, take other measures.
2. Remember the toast from the famous film comedy: “I fell to the bottom of the deepest gorge and broke because I became separated from the team.” Take an active part in the life of your company, attend parties, corporate events, buy a gift for an employee, boss, etc. Don't miss the moment to show off your culinary skills and treat your colleagues to some light baked goods.
3. Don't even think about participating in gossip. Let's not rudely understand that you are not a fan of spreading rumors, but rather nicely and evasively avoid getting into trouble. If you do it abruptly, they will hold a grudge against you, and a slight dodging will not give cause for dissatisfaction. As they say, you need to be a diplomat.
4. Before you joke or make jokes, think “three hundred” times about your words. Not a single unfortunate expression will pass by a woman's ear. Perhaps you had no intention of offending anyone, but it will be too late to make excuses. The resentment will lurk and wait for the moment to strike you, unsuspectingly, with a powerful blow.
5. Have you found yourself in a lair where two “groups” are fighting? Make no mistake, it is unlikely that you will be able to stay on the sidelines of this confrontation. But don’t rush to conclusions, take a closer look, study the tactics of each of them and stand in the row where you find more in common with your interests, views, and ideas.
6. Help, but in moderation. Show sympathy, care, do not refuse if you are asked for help, but do not let them cross the line of what is permitted. As a rule, newcomers are always forced to clean up other people's tails, run for coffee, bring sandwiches, etc. Don’t let them get on your back and show character, first refuse intelligently, but if the situation happens again, be more decisive in your intonation.
7. Don't be arrogant and arrogant. It doesn’t matter what color your diploma is and constantly reminding your colleagues about it is not necessary. Believe me, theory is one thing, practice is another. Remember the proverb “easy to learn, hard to fight!” In reality, not everything is so simple and experienced employees, who do not have the opportunity to boast of a red crust, know much more than a beginner. Continue in your tone - expect intrigues, and not one, but several “colleagues” will start playing dirty tricks.

Of course, fighting bullying, bossing and other negative manifestations of abnormal relationships at work alone is difficult, if not impossible. Leaders, managers and other functional groups of companies need to think about the problem. After all, thanks to harmonious relationships, a company can achieve high results, while quarrels, conflicts and scandals clearly have a negative impact on income and reputation. So eliminating violence and humiliating treatment of employees is a key issue for business owners and management. Staff turnover will not lead to anything good and you need to fight for a professional, excellent employee. To reduce the risk of conflict situations, you should take care of your staff: give vacations on time, reward them, pay them what they deserve, and create recreation areas. Grateful employees will take on their work with even greater vigor and help the company achieve high results.

Causes of bullying in the workplace

Bullying in the workplace is a systemic phenomenon that reveals the internal tension of the entire company team. The reasons vary: shortcomings in the organizational structure, unclear strategic goals, unfinished job offers and workplace policies. Proper company management will help cope with problems.

But there is a flip side to the coin - low emotional intelligence of employees. It is he who determines success in interpersonal relationships. Therefore, the company’s management should pay attention not only to management, but also to the development of the following qualities in employees:

• Self-awareness. The first step in controlling emotions is recognizing their existence. Those who are self-aware are confident in their abilities.
• Self-regulation. Once emotion control is mastered, a person becomes less prone to impulsive reactions. They take responsibility for their actions, are open to new ideas, and adapt to change more easily.
• Motivation. Motivated people set goals and strive to achieve them. They have a positive attitude and inspire others.
• Empathy. The ability to accept another person's point of view, experience or motivation, to understand and express emotions competently, while being aware of their impact on others, is very important.
• Social skills. It is necessary to develop verbal and non-verbal skills that are used to communicate and interact with other people.

By eliminating the causes, you can reduce the threat of bullying in teams by switching the attention of employees from destructive conflicts to achieving company goals.

Features of manifestation

Mobbing, like other types of bullying, can have different degrees of severity : it manifests itself relatively mildly or, on the contrary, harshly, causing deep psychological trauma to the victims.

The so-called “light” mobbing should also not be underestimated : any violence, even not too rough, has a destructive effect on the psyche, over time leading to the development of many mental illnesses and the aggravation of existing ones.

Mobbing, like bullying in general, is usually divided into:

1. Horizontal. The victim and the aggressors occupy approximately equal positions in the existing social structure. For example, if several employees began to bully one who has the same position as them, this refers to horizontal mobbing.
2. Vertical. Aggressors and victims are at different positions in the social structure. For example, if a boss bullies a subordinate, this is vertical mobbing. However, a manager can also become a victim under certain conditions. Bullying by a boss is called “bossing”.

Often horizontal types of bullying are present in the work team because it is directly or indirectly approved by superiors.

Also, some actions of the boss can provoke bullying .

The main signs of mobbing by the boss and colleagues:

1. The desire not to provide the employee with important information. Information necessary for the correct and timely performance of work duties is either hidden, transmitted too late, or deliberately distorted. For example, if the victim is sick and misses an important event, she will not be given the necessary information, and there will not be a clear response to targeted questions.
2. Belittling him in the presence of others. This method of emotional abuse is often used by superiors: for example, a boss can use various planning meetings, five-minute meetings, meetings for humiliation, at which he discusses with gusto the actions and negative aspects of everyone he does not like, using any reason for humiliation. The same employees are usually subject to humiliation, and other employees do not receive a significant reprimand for similar or even more serious mistakes.
3. The appearance of false accusations against an employee. This usually occurs with the horizontal type of bullying: fellow aggressors, trying to harm the victim, use any reason for a written complaint, if necessary, embellishing minor offenses or simply making things up.
4. Insults, direct or indirect. They are actively used by both employees and management. The victim’s mental abilities, behavior, habits, interests, life position, and so on are belittled. Indirect insults usually include nastiness, often using gaslighting (“It’s just a joke, can’t you take a joke?”, “I think you’re too sensitive,”) in response to the victim’s outrage.
5. The desire to talk about him negatively in dialogues with colleagues and bosses. Aggressors, at any opportunity, will speak negatively about the victims, thereby creating in the interlocutor (especially those who are little familiar with the target of bullying) the feeling that the person in question is a disgusting employee and person.
   If such an opinion is formed by someone who is capable of supporting mobbing to one degree or another, the pressure on the victim will increase.
6. Belittling an employee’s professional abilities, expressing doubts about competence. They can also be direct or indirect, often expressed in the presence of others to increase the victim's discomfort. At the same time, such statements are difficult to classify as criticism; they often have no justification.
7. Ignoring. The target of bullying does not receive support from colleagues; when he asks something, the interlocutor answers without specifics or does not answer at all, and sends him to someone else. They do not want to take the victim into team activities; her achievements and efforts are ignored, which hinders career advancement, especially if the tactics of ignoring are supported by management.
8. The desire to give the most unpleasant task. The target of mobbing is given the most thankless job; they may be required to do more than is required of the rest of the team. At the same time, his efforts and successes are ignored, and his failures are put on public display.
9. Cybermobbing and other manifestations of bullying that go beyond the work day. Employees and superiors can continue to harm the victim outside of work: making fun of her on social networks, stalking her after work, looking for incriminating material to use in the future.

What to do if you are the target of bullying?

There is no point in starting such a situation.

• If there is a threat of bullying, immediately seek facilitation from management.
• Focus on the goal, on what you came to the company for, and focus on the tasks that management has given you. Hold on to them, because the temptation to join the game will be very high.
• Do not react emotionally to the Persecutor's attacks. Its purpose is to throw you off balance. Don't give him this opportunity.
• Make an appointment with a psychologist or coach to find out what patterns of your behavior trigger bullying and change them.
• Leave the company if the situation is stalemate. There are many companies in our country where your talent and professionalism will be appreciated.

Answers from psychologists

How to resist psychological pressure at work? Answers to common questions:

1. What to do if your boss is being mean to you at work? It depends on how expensive your job is, how difficult it is to find a new one, and how seriously the manager is spreading rot. If, apart from the manager’s aggression, nothing bothers you, and your work is important, you can try to abstract yourself from the boss’s words: for example, imagine a brick wall between him and yourself, keep your face. You are unlikely to be able to correct your manager, especially if he communicates with all his subordinates in the same way as with you. If there are other managers above your boss, you can try to contact them.
2. What to do if you are insulted? First of all, you should not show that the insult hurt you, because if the aggressor notices the reaction, he will understand that he has power over you. If possible, answer him in a humorous, sarcastic way. If you constantly encounter insults and humiliation, try to contact management or management leaders if the former do not respond. It also makes sense to think about quitting.
3. How to resist psychological pressure? Analyze the actions of aggressors more often in a calm environment, considering them constructively.
   Why might they behave this way? What goals are they pursuing? What motivates them? If you understand the root cause of a negative attitude, it will be easier to resist. It is useful to respond to aggressors either constructively (dry, logical information devoid of much emotionality about why the opponent is wrong) or humorously. It is also important to relieve stress after work: walk outside, do your favorite things, meditate.