How to recognize the beginning of love. What is the difference between love and infatuation? What is the psychology of these feelings

For centuries, people have been trying to understand what love is, because every person at least once encountered this inexplicable feeling that radically changed his life. But even today, despite centuries of searching, there is no unambiguous and generally accepted interpretation of this concept. However, we will try to give the most accurate definition, consider the 10 main signs of love, and therefore get as close as possible to the true understanding of what love is. Let's begin.

What is love?

Love is a long-lasting and strong feeling of affection, implying sympathy for a person, the desire to be close and experience joint emotions, and also to make him happy.
Anyone who has encountered this feeling knows that love implies the strongest affection. A person in love simply cannot imagine life without someone for whom he has romantic feelings. It is interesting that even today psychologists and other scientists cannot unambiguously explain the nature of love and the mechanisms of its occurrence.

Analyzing the nature of love, psychology considers three key manifestations of this feeling:

1. Internal drug
   . Our well-being and mood are determined by a complex set of chemicals that can influence nerve cells. States of love and falling in love cause powerful releases of substances that make a person happy. The nervous system seems to give us a hint: “Here it is!” You feel good when he's around. Remember this!
2. Nervous disease
   . Despite the surge of energy, it is difficult for a person in love to concentrate, his memory deteriorates, and his actions often become illogical. The brain functions in an unnatural way, preventing a person from fully controlling his own actions.
3. Habit
   . The riot of hormones and neurotransmitters subsides over time. But by this moment people remember with whom they feel good, so they continue to love each other, but with a calmer and more balanced love. At the same time, they begin to act rationally again, and mutual feelings no longer prevent them from working and doing other important things.

How is love different from falling in love?

There are thousands of works in world literature that describe the one and only love of a lifetime. In reality, everything is somewhat more complicated. Almost each of us first experienced romantic feelings back in school, but then connected our lives with a completely different person. This is explained by the fact that in their youth people are inexperienced and often perceive their first crush as love.

What is falling in love, and how does it differ from true love? This is a strong sympathy that arises, as a rule, among teenagers and young people who do not yet have experience in personal relationships. Looking at the guy or girl they like from the outside, they create in their own imagination an idealized image that does not correspond to reality. When the relationship develops, the perfect image collapses and feelings disappear.

An important distinguishing feature of love is the desire to take care of a person, give him all kinds of benefits and provide emotional comfort. And although falling in love is not a selfish feeling, it mainly implies the desire to spend time with a person, and not live for him.

The difference between love and falling in love is best described by a Chinese proverb: “Being in love is when you pick the flower you like and take it away. Love is when you bring water to water it every day.”

Love differs from falling in love by awareness. A person in love does not need an ideal; he is ready to put up with shortcomings. True love “ripes” much longer than falling in love, but it is almost impossible to destroy it with petty misunderstandings. We are ready to forgive a loved one more than ourselves.

Falling in love makes a person idealize the object of his affection, and therefore often becomes the cause of unhappy marriages. Young boys and girls, having fallen in love, do not see any flaws in their chosen ones. They quickly start families, believing that they have already met the love of their lives. But living together very quickly sobers them up, and they realize that they are strangers to each other.

True love changes too. Passion and romance pass, but the couple still maintains affection, respect and other important feelings. The so-called “maturation of relationships” occurs. At the same time, the desire to be together is preserved, friendship and mutual affection are strengthened, and the spouses have no doubt that they have chosen correctly with whom to start a family.

How do lovers behave?

The manifestation of love will be expressed differently in a guy and a girl, a man and a woman. Gender plays a big role in relationships, and this is confirmed by the rules of interpersonal psychology.

Men

Young guys and grown men behave the same way. They strive to please their chosen one, begin to take care of their appearance, and are actively interested in the problems, affairs and hobbies of the woman they like. A man in love begins to show signs of attention. This is not only flowers and gifts, but also the desire to spend as much time as possible in the company of the chosen one. He enjoys communicating and talking with her on various topics.

Not all men are ready to immediately confess and expect reciprocity, but some non-verbal signs indicate their interest. This includes constant eye contact, sexual attraction, and other expressions of affection.

Women

Women in love begin to take an active interest in their chosen one; he becomes the topic of most of their conversations with others. When a girl truly loves, she does not notice the man’s shortcomings and strives to idealize him. All women try to interest their chosen one as much as possible and attract his attention, for example, they begin to take care of him, change their appearance, and often use other methods. True love, even unrequited love, can make a woman happy. This is manifested in changes in her mood, appearance and gaze.

Should you be the first to confess your love?

“Hide in a hole” is the most popular option among many when an inexplicable state appears when a person realizes that he is in love. Not every man, boy, girl or successful lady is in a hurry to be the first to confess. The main reason that a person is afraid to express his feelings is the feeling of panic when he is not accepted or rejected. Fear in response to feelings to hear ridicule from the subject of adoration. The cause of these fears mainly goes back to deep childhood or tremulous adolescence. This is a period when an individual tends to show his feelings more openly, but at the same time it makes him vulnerable. The bitter experience of failure at this age is transferred into adult life, prompting the individual to control his desires and emotions more carefully.

An interesting psychological fact is that representatives of different sexes have categorically different meanings in love. Women put the meaning “I belong to my lover entirely.” While men mean “I am responsible for my beloved.” Often this results in a certain peculiarity when it is more difficult for a woman to admit to her chosen one: “I want you,” and for a man: “I love you.” Due to such psychological characteristics, girls tend to fantasize superpowers to their lover. That he should guess about the feelings manifested through the prism of hints and begin to act himself. Representatives of the male gender put a completely different concept into such feminine hints, for example, that the girl is simply flirting, showing friendly concern, or wants to show off her cooking skills. In response to this, the girl perceives the inaction of her chosen one as indifference and reluctance to make contact.

For most individuals, it is precisely the pronunciation of the phrase “I love you” that is difficult; for this purpose, experts recommend turning to simpler forms of phrases. Such alternative expressions are, for example, “I want to be with you,” “I like you,” “it’s nice to be around you.” At the start of the development of feelings, this is enough. To develop a relationship or communicate your feelings more effectively, you need to use both words and actions. However, requests for the importance of actions have always caused bewilderment among men, since there is a concept that a woman loves with her ears. But it’s another matter when beautiful words are supported by sincere actions that help representatives of the charming part of the population understand the seriousness of their partner’s intentions.

When declaring love, psychologists first advise setting yourself up for two types of developments. After all, the answer from the beloved may or may not be entirely positive. The chances of an individual who decides to have a revelation with his chosen one are fifty-fifty. Experts recommend that if you decide to confess, be aware of your options for failure. If a person hears a non-reciprocal response, it will be easier to retreat and the level of disappointment will be lower. Everyone is individual and everyone is looking for their half. Having found her among millions of people, it is unthinkable to lose your chance, otherwise the “second” suitable half will no longer be found.

Society today is breaking stereotypes. The strong half of the population - men, at the moment - have softened their character, and girls have gotten used to the fact that everything needs to be taken into their own fragile hands. Men just have to wait for everything to happen on their own. It is necessary to confess your love! It will be ridiculous or not as planned all your life. From the point of view of an individual’s psychological health, any emotional manifestation must have its completion, its denouement. You shouldn’t wait idly for a miracle to happen, you need to do it yourself.

Why and for what do they love?

Sometimes they love in spite of everything, common sense, the slander of relatives, they just love and that’s it, quietly and tenderly, often saying to themselves, “well, how mine he is, this dear and beloved person.” And at the same time your heart skips a beat with happiness!

I remember how one of my friends said that “I even like his hoarse voice when he plays and sings with a guitar”... it’s definitely about love!

One of the men, oh, click, here it is, mine! But this does not always happen, because love is a calm, good feeling and it does not come immediately. With love, the amplitude of vibrations is practically absent, there is simply “everything on top” and EVERYTHING!

Difference from passion

Reflecting on the difference between these sensations, I subscribe to the opinion that it is the first that gives mutual growth and the desire for perfection, the creation of a more interesting and spiritual part of oneself. It does not limit freedom, opening new horizons and inner strength.

The central place is occupied by the object of adoration; all aspirations are aimed at satisfying his desires. It is the personality that becomes important, and appearance, clothing style and demeanor are relegated to secondary roles. The basis for a long-lasting union in this case is mutual understanding, sensitivity to the thoughts and point of view of the partner, openness and complete trust.

Love gives additional support, bends under the pressure of circumstances, but does not break, raising relationships to a new stage of development.

Passion has some opposite aspects. It flares up quickly, but goes out as interest wanes. Dictates conditions and drives you into the framework of expectations, depriving you of freedom and emancipation. The fear of not living up to the fictitious image forces you to wear a mask and you can forget about frankness. The basis rests on external attractiveness at the physiological level. Once it disappears or is replaced, there is no reason to spend time together.

The concept of love includes the aspect of selflessness and attention to the object of feelings; passion is selfish and pursues, first of all, its own interests.

But for long-term warm relationships, a strong foundation of a family, both components are necessary, establishing a kind of balance and flow of energy in both directions, giving and gratefully receiving attention, care and physiological pleasure.

How long does love last?

Due to the fact that the brain is unable to constantly maintain the activity of the areas responsible for maintaining the feeling of falling in love, this condition can last from one and a half to three years. Therefore, the expression “love lives for three years” is not true; it would be more correct to say: love lives for three years, and then love begins (not for everyone).

However, it was found that such a strong feeling can last much longer in the case of unrequited love. The lover seems to be stuck in this feeling and cannot move on. This phenomenon was called “Russian love”, when a woman has been unrequitedly in love for a long time and is therefore lonely and cannot build a new relationship. According to statistics, six percent of Moscow women do not get married precisely because of this phenomenon. By the way, “Russian love” is exclusively for women.

FAQ

Let's look at the most popular questions that people have when building a romantic relationship.

Why and for what they love

It is impossible to give a definite answer to this question. Each of us has an ideal or image, which, when coincident, sends signals to the brain to release love hormones. Probably, for a clearer answer, you should ask your loved one about this. In general, the following factors can be identified:

1. External image. Despite the fact that love itself is weakly connected with a person’s external appearance, since we love the soul, attractiveness for a person is still an important factor. Quite often, your inner qualities are so strong and important for your partner that your image in his head itself acquires the necessary features of attractiveness;
2. Support and understanding. Each of us is looking for a reliable and faithful person in a partner who will “lender a shoulder” at any moment. When a person shows attention to the problems, interests and life of another, this is very impressive and attractive;
3. Care. People strive to be in peace and harmony at home, so care is one of the components of the emerging feeling of love;
4. Self-development and striving for better. The individual is attracted to independent, strong and established individuals who love themselves, are aware of what they are and are trying to improve.

The ideal of love is not always accompanied by positive feelings. If you have had trauma, mostly childhood trauma, you will associate love with a painful image. For example, your mother constantly devalued your aspirations, humiliated you, but at the same time showed love. Most likely, in your partner you will look for a mother figure who will humiliate you and criticize you. It is precisely these negative criteria that will signal the brain about the release of hormones responsible for falling in love and attraction.

What is needed for mutual love to arise?

Unfortunately, it is impossible to force a person to love you. However, according to statistics, the strongest couples are those that arise from long-term friendships. There is no need to try to force a person to like you. You need to work on yourself, and if your partner sees in you the image in your head, then mutual feelings will arise. If not, don’t expose your life to constant suffering, let go of the opportunity to build a relationship with this person and move on.

Don't try to force a person's feelings for you.

How to find love and learn to love

This question is more philosophical. Finding love is, according to many philosophers, the main meaning of human life. However, there should not be any searches as such. There are many stages of socialization in your life - school, university, work, hobby groups, friends, in which you can meet that same person. In our opinion, it is better to adhere to the attitude of fatality in your life. The only thing is that if you lack communication and attention, then don’t sit at home, constantly immerse yourself in new companies and acquaintances, try to make your life more interesting.

Learning to love is a more difficult question. Love does not recognize selfishness, and accordingly you must strive to understand a person and recognize him as a separate, independent person. If you feel indifference to everything, blocking emotions, consult a psychologist. It is a specialist who will allow you to reveal your aspirations for love.

How long does love last?

There is a rather interesting book, “Love Lives for Three Years.” Many people had a negative reaction to this book. However, if we talk about falling in love, it can really last up to three years. We have already said that falling in love is the first stage of love. And it is after this stage that couples most often break up because they cannot overcome their differences.

The period of love is limited to 12-17 months. But depending on the individual person, this period may be shorter – up to 2 months. When endorphins and oxytocin decrease, a person experiences a decline in the emotions that were characteristic of the person at the very beginning. This becomes noticeable externally - the partner begins to show indifference and become irritated over trifles. You both need to strive to solve problems peacefully and come to a compromise in order to build a stronger relationship.

Falling in love can last up to 17 months

Is love at first sight possible?

In this case, it is more correct to talk about falling in love. Falling in love occurs just at first sight. However, a stronger relationship with a person, as already noted, is built only over the years.

Signs of sympathy

A person can feel sympathy for several people at the same time. It occurs immediately after meeting. This is a feeling of affection for a person, which is characterized by the following signs:

• emotional attraction to a person;
• common values, beliefs, interests;
• a positive reaction to the appearance, character traits, behavior of another person;
• goodwill and increased interest;
• feeling of similarity.

Sympathy often arises in friendship, where there is affection between people and pleasure in communicating with each other, but sometimes develops into falling in love.

Signs of falling in love

Falling in love is a very vivid feeling that has the following signs:

1. Falling in love is a feeling that is often called “love at first sight.” This type of romantic emotion is characterized by a strong emotional and physical attraction between one person and another.
2. Falling in love is born when you see another person and begin to admire his appearance, behavior, speech, and so on. Falling in love consists mainly of emotions; with its onset usually comes a feeling of euphoria, a rush of adrenaline. This strong emotional outburst is compared to the feeling of “butterflies in the stomach” and is not controlled by the person.
3. A person in love extols the object of his passion, ignoring his shortcomings and exaggerating his strengths. He is overcome by passion, he is fascinated by another person and considers him the limit of his dreams. There is also a desire to like, to become better and to do pleasant things. Falling in love does not necessarily imply the existence of a relationship: you can be unrequitedly in love.
4. Falling in love is based on passion and infatuation, so it often does not last long. Falling in love appears instantly and can just as quickly disappear if interest in a person disappears, or turn into true love. It takes effort from both partners to maintain the spark. People who move from one relationship to another, seeking to constantly feel in love, may lose sight of true love because it takes time to develop.
5. Falling in love is short-lived. There is a saying that love lasts 3 years. In fact, it is not love that lasts this long, but infatuation.
6. Falling in love often manifests itself depending on the partner. You constantly think about your lover, want to be with him as often as possible, abandon other things for his sake, and so on.

Famous psychologists about love

Many psychologists have studied and described this feeling in detail in their works. To better understand what love is, it is worth familiarizing yourself with some interesting thoughts of outstanding authors.

Robert Sternberg (American professor of psychology) identified three main components without which love cannot exist: passion, attraction and responsibility.

Arthur Petrovsky (Soviet and Russian psychologist) said that people in love should be passionate about each other, and sincere feelings are always clearly visible from the outside. He argued that love cannot exist in the presence of even the slightest mistrust. He also believed that for love to exist, actions are required, and feelings alone are not enough.

Erich Fromm (German sociologist and psychoanalyst of the mid-20th century) called love a mutually beneficial commercial alliance. He believed that lovers should give themselves completely to love, giving the maximum to their partner and receiving the maximum in return. And if such an approach to relationships is mutual, then the marriage will be successful, even when the initial passion evaporates. Otherwise, love can immediately be considered failed.

Harry Sullivan (an American psychologist of the early 20th century) believed that true love can only be spoken of when a lover exalts the interests of his loved one over his own.

John Gottman (American psychologist) suggested that one of the worst manifestations of love is the idealization of a partner. True love never clouds your eyes and does not prevent you from seeing the shortcomings of your loved one.

Henry Dix (British psychologist of the mid-20th century and founder of psychoanalytic marital therapy) argued that only indifference can completely and irrevocably kill love.

Esther Perel (a psychotherapist from Belgium and a regular participant in TED conferences) says that to maintain love, it is important to always maintain a sense of self-worth.

Please note that in the above examples, psychologists talk about love as an experience, but do not mention the physiological aspects of this feeling. Moreover, from a scientific point of view, love is a purely physiological process. Attachment to a person is formed and strengthened by the release of special chemicals in the brain that provide pleasure and other sensations.

Love at first sight - is it possible?

In the crowd of people they made eye contact. For a moment, everything around stopped, and my head flashed: “It’s her!”, “It’s him, the one!” They, not noticing anyone around, go to meet each other, and, having met face to face, their lips merge in a kiss. And a romantic melody about eternal love plays in the background.

A familiar scene from a melodrama or fairy tale. In fact, at first sight only strong sympathy is possible, which, subject to reciprocity, can eventually develop into love. The reason for this is the duration of the formation of that same love. It is similar to growing a tree from a seed; it grows and gets stronger for a long time and only with proper care.

In addition, the sympathy that arose from the second or third meeting can also develop into love.

Example

In reviews of “A Military Field Romance,” released in 1983, one can notice: the most controversial image for viewers was the character of I. Churikova - Vera Nikolaevna, the wife of Netuzhilin, the main character of the film. Finding himself in a love stupor after meeting a fighting girlfriend, for whom he had feelings at the front, he rushes between her and his own wife. Guessing and understanding everything, Vera Nikolaevna is a devoted, selfless and forgiving woman.

Who is she - a truly loving wife or just a mature lady who has nowhere to go, as some viewers think? Probably, they simply failed to see the spiritual closeness that exists between spouses. At the end of the film, it is obvious: Netuzhilin managed to throw off the veil of love's intoxication, retaining real, deep feelings for his own wife. For N. Burlyaev, the actor who played the main character, it is the character of I. Churikova that is the ideal of a truly loving woman.

The main differences between love and infatuation

People often find themselves confusing infatuation with love, mistaking temporary infatuation for true deep feelings, or missing out on true love in search of permanent passion. To avoid such self-deception, study the following basic differences between love and infatuation:

1. Duration of feelings. Love doesn't happen overnight, it's an ever-growing process. It is predictable and logical, since it arises between family and friends. Falling in love is random, a person never knows when he might fall in love. This feeling appears suddenly, like a flash, but over time it can disappear just as fleetingly. Falling in love does not necessarily last long as it is based on infatuation or passion. A crush can fade quickly, but love grows stronger over time.
2. Perception of disadvantages. Loving people know and accept the shortcomings of their other halves. They are ready to live with a person, accepting him with all his shortcomings. Falling in love blinds people, so they do not notice the shortcomings of the objects of their infatuation and consider them flawless. There is no illusion in love: you love the other person for who he really is.
3. Emotions . When falling in love, people experience a strong emotional outburst, and feelings of love are based on actions. Even though the emotions may be more intense, true love is much stronger than falling in love.
4. The power of feelings. Falling in love is relatively superficial, love is a very deep feeling. Loving relationships are characterized by trust, respect, and devotion, which may not be fully manifested or absent when falling in love.
5. Love is a calmer feeling than falling in love. Falling in love makes you want to spend all your time with a person. Loving means giving personal space to a person and trusting him.
6. Willingness to overcome difficulties. The bond between people in love may not be strong enough to withstand difficulties. The bond between loving people is so strong that it allows them to cope with life's problems and, no matter what, always stay together.
7. Relationship perspective. Falling in love occurs at the initial stage of a relationship, sooner or later it passes. Love is a long-term feeling that does not go away. True love stands the test of time.

Who do we love?

• Love for a romantic partner (boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife) involves falling in love and passion as components of sexual satisfaction. Over time, they cease to dominate and give way (but they themselves do not completely go away) to other qualities of love: respect, mutual support, devotion, empathy. Romantic love has an important biological significance, creating and maintaining favorable conditions for procreation.

What is love for a man? First of all, this is a guarantor of a stable relationship, the opportunity to take care of a fragile and sweet chosen one, to be a knight next to her, to admire her and the fear of losing her. Also, love for men is expressed in a comfortable and cozy atmosphere in the family, regular and interesting sex and respect for personal space.

• Self love is expressed in self-understanding, self-acceptance, adequate self-esteem and satisfaction with one’s own personality. Self-love serves as the basis for other types of love, because if we are constantly dissatisfied with ourselves and experience internal discomfort, then we cannot fully give sincere love to others and attract people to ourselves. Therefore, one of the most universal tips for creating and improving various kinds of relationships is to establish, first of all, contact with yourself and begin to respect yourself.
  

  Read: How to love yourself and accept yourself as you are

• Love for children is based on mutual affection, caring, tenderness towards the child, and the ability to sacrifice one’s interests for the sake of his health and development. The stronger the contribution to upbringing, the more trusting and warmer the parent-child relationship, the more harmoniously the child’s personality develops.

Mother's and father's love are different. Mother and child are connected biologically and socially (as they were one before birth). Father and child have only a social connection. In this sense, the mother has greater experience in knowing and understanding the baby. It is usually more difficult for a father to grasp his needs; he tends to use his mind (but this tendency is by no means characteristic of everyone).

Read:

The relationship between father and daughter - the role of the father in raising his daughter

Father and son: psychology of relationships

• Love for parents is based on attachment, which was formed in infancy, and on gratitude for care and upbringing.
• Love for people , which in action is called altruism. This is selfless help to everyone around, self-sacrifice for the sake of others. A person experiencing such love is always ready to do charity.

How to define love and recognize falling in love

Of course, it happens that falling in love develops into love, but for this the person himself must become a little different in the relationship.

A person must “ripe” for love, sometimes this takes several years. At the beginning, in a relationship there may be love, a hormonal surge, a desire to love, everything comes spontaneously and each of us remembers this particular period.

But someday the “rose-colored glasses” fall off, and this is where the partner appears in all his glory. If you don’t push him away at this moment for an “unflattering act” or a mistake, then the relationship can develop into love.

But this doesn't always happen. This is where the period of falling in love ends. You stop idealizing your partner, and what appears before you does not suit you at all. It is here, at this stage, that separation occurs.

You can define love by how often partners hold hands, it warms them and makes them feel the value of a partner nearby; they usually say that “there is a feeling of a shoulder, a support.”

In love you need trust, recognition, respect, the desire to be close always and everywhere, you are passionate about your partner, you are interested in his affairs, work, you share his hobbies and support him in all his endeavors.

Sometimes you can confuse being in love with love. But there are nonverbal signs that can help you avoid making mistakes in this matter.

Nonverbal signs of love in men

• Touching the object of love
• Sometimes deliberate indifference
• Boundless trust
• Showing interest in the woman you love
• Wants the object of his love to be in his field of vision
• Offer to help in all matters
• Unexpected attention and gifts

Feel alive

“To be loved is to feel that you have the right to exist,” said philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre. True love is finding the meaning of your existence in the world.

Love brings us back to childhood, when it gives us the feeling that everything in the world revolves around us. By choosing each other, we make each other special. In a relationship, we give the other person special significance. We recognize his importance: we respect his views and passions, we accept his ideals.

Another person brings us his world, and we give him ours. This allows you to experience new feelings and open new horizons. “Love helps you see all the colors of life,” sums up Monica Schneider. “True love makes you feel alive.”

Nonverbal signs of love in a woman

• Excessive care and guardianship
• Increased attention to your appearance
• “Eyes burn” at the sight of the object of love
• Confusion and shyness
• Mysterious behavior
• Increased attention to men's affairs
• All sorts of niceties and gifts
• Expression of sexuality

Love is a great feeling of attachment and attraction to a person, object or phenomenon. But love, as professional psychologists have established, can only be felt towards a person of the opposite sex.

Now you know how to define love and recognize falling in love. It is worth examining yourself and your feelings, perhaps this is just a passion that will quickly pass. Don't waste your time and energy on this. You need to look for true love, then you will feel peace and harmony in your soul! We wish you GOOD LUCK in this!

HOW TO Distinguish Real Love From Fake Love?

Seeing another person as a mystery

Love is a mysterious feeling. We feel it, but we don't understand it. The force that pulls a person towards is inexplicable. We pursue him not because we like the way he looks, because he is rich or powerful, or because he looks like a parent or significant other. If the union can be explained logically - “she replaced his mother” or “they are together because of money”, there can be no talk of true love. In her case, it is always the mystery that guides us.

“Love appeals to our unconscious: to some childhood experience, loss or longing for what we could not have. It affects that part of the personality that is unknown to us,” explains psychoanalyst Patrick Lamboulay. “That’s why it’s a mistake to think that in a relationship two “halves” should merge and give birth to something whole. It is in this idea that lies the reason why many married couples break up. When a person in a relationship feels understated, he may decide: this is not his soul mate. But this, of course, is not true. To truly love means to always remain intrigued by the mystery of another person.”

Afraid of losing

And all the time. And not only another person, but also yourself, dissolving in him. In The Discontents of Culture, Sigmund Freud explains this phenomenon: “We become dependent on another because we constantly need him to support us in our existence.” Hence the fear of loss.

“Love means taking risks,” explains philosopher and psychoanalyst Monica Schneider. “This feeling is so dizzying that sometimes we are even drawn to reject it in order to protect ourselves from the frightening power of another person over us.”

Freud emphasized that Eros and Thanatos are inseparable: I love you - I destroy you. Eros is our desire to connect with each other. Thanatos is the death drive that pushes us to break this connection so that our “I” remains omnipotent.

If we manage to overcome all doubts and fears and surrender to love, we find ourselves in wonderful new territory

“It’s hard to give up on yourself,” explains psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. — Love always brings torment. It affects our very being - what we are in this world. Only a few realize this. When they find themselves alone, they enjoy it because they feel protected. But if we manage to overcome all doubts and fears and surrender to love, we find ourselves in a new wonderful territory where feelings are revealed with renewed vigor.”

True love is not a good business deal. A whirlpool of feelings is dangerous for both partners. That's why we often doubt something else. But even if he tries to pull away, this does not always mean that he does not love. Perhaps he is simply afraid of losing himself.

Be ready to take a step into the unknown

In love, nothing is predetermined. No one can guarantee that feelings will be permanent, and that life together will be long and happy. “Love relationships are a special world in which reason does not rule everything,” explains Monica Schneider. “But you shouldn’t set yourself up for the worst.”

Sometimes, due to past experiences of failed relationships, we convince ourselves in advance that we are doomed to suffer. To truly love, you must be able to believe in miracles again, accept the unknown and learn to be patient.”

Feel the desire

Here, at first glance, everything is simple: to love a person means to desire him. Research confirms that physical intimacy helps maintain relationships and does not allow the fire of love to go out. Without an exchange of affection, lovers turn into roommates. You can have sex without love, but when there is love, intimacy gives true pleasure.

If desire wanes, does that mean the relationship is over? Not at all! Our feelings are influenced by many factors, they are cyclical and constantly experience periods of ups and downs. You may not want intimacy right now because you are simply tired, have eaten too much or too little, are stressed, or, conversely, are pleasantly excited about some grandiose changes. “There are days when it’s enough for us to just have our loved one nearby,” explains Monica Schneider.

Psychology: 5 love languages

Approvals, compliments

Words can perfectly express love, everyone needs support and approval - women need praise for their beauty, appearance, culinary abilities, men need approval of their actions, gratitude for their help. A kind word can save a person and support him, but criticism and scolding can cause emotional pain and cause feelings to die.

A positive attitude and kind words evoke a response, a desire to be even better for a loved one, this is the only way to make love stronger and maintain peace in the family . It is also very important to support loved ones in their aspirations, interests, and help develop talents; often one word can help change a life.

A loved one seeks to understand, is interested in the inner world, and is ready to provide moral support. Kind words are not just attention and care, but also the ability to smooth out a conflict, find common ground, understand the cause of another person’s resentment or bitterness, and imagine oneself in a similar situation. In a family, it is better to use requests, because adults are partners, and the demand is more reminiscent of childhood situations - a smart parent and a stupid child.

Nobody likes demands or threats . We try to resolve everything peacefully, ask for help, give arguments when necessary. There is a universal way to improve relationships - notice more positive things, praise each other, approve, refraining from criticism, try to follow this instruction to begin with for a certain period, later a similar attitude will enter becomes a habit, becomes the norm, the level of satisfaction with each other grows, the level of love increases.

Words of approval are important for everyone, they have an especially positive effect on men; they are pleased to feel recognition from the woman they love. From a psychological point of view, love is the ability to notice the good in a person, support them in their aspirations, and treat them kindly and with understanding.

Time together

To maintain and develop love, you need to spend more time together; often, due to workload, spouses do not devote much time to their family. It is important to look for reserves, find time on days off, and organize cultural evenings.

The need for such attention is especially developed in women; words alone are not enough; actions are needed to confirm feelings, the desire to be together. If a woman does not see a man’s desire to be together, to spend time together, then in pursuit of a career there is a high probability of losing a loved one.

Present

Another way to show love. Often courtship is accompanied by the giving of gifts, and in married life this symbolism is often lost. However, gifts are, first of all, a manifestation of attention and care; even an inexpensive item, wildflowers or sweets can evoke positive emotions.

Any gift is a manifestation of love, it’s a pity that many people forget about this over the years of marriage. Giving gifts can be as pleasant as receiving them, because you can see the joy in the eyes of your loved one. At the same time, giving time is often more important than gifts; women often lack attention and understanding, especially during crisis periods of life.

Caring, serving

Another love language that not everyone pays attention to or notices. In fact, any person is pleased when they do something for him, help him around the house, solve his problems, make his house beautiful, make repairs.

Such actions are manifestations of love no less than gifts, because they require time and effort, women and men appreciate such an attitude. From a psychological point of view, love is doing selfless things that please your loved one and bring pleasure.

Physical contact

Hugs, touches and kisses are always needed, after marriage it is even more important to feel the expression of love through affection, especially for women. It is believed that intimate intimacy is enough for men. Perhaps, but everyone needs attention. For many, real feelings involve the need to feel closeness, to hug a loved one, to feel their breath and presence in life nearby.

Love from a psychological point of view is the ability to share one’s tenderness and feelings on a physical and spiritual level. The psychology of love and sex gives priority to building harmonious intimate relationships, but a family is a complex of interactions, even a beautiful mistress will not keep her husband if there is no human communication and understanding. Therefore, ideal spouses are friends, partners, lovers and just close people.

Thus, there are basic manifestations of love, each person experiences his own needs in relationships, it is important to be able to understand one’s own love language and that of a loved one in order to strengthen and develop relationships. Listen to what your spouse or husband is saying - is there not enough time together, communication, affection, gifts or words of approval?

Typically, misunderstanding is due to the fact that a person expresses feelings in his own language, and his partner has other needs. It is worth being more attentive to understand how best to show your feelings and please your loved one.

Acceptance of character and habits

It is impossible to find an ideal person or someone who has identical qualities. All couples have both common features and different, even opposite ones. It can be difficult to get along with some of the characteristics of a new partner. But loving people treat this as adequately as possible.

“You have disadvantages, but they are acceptable to me” - this is the phrase of a truly in love person. Why is that? He:

1. clearly sees all the shortcomings and bad habits, and does not idealize the character, attributing non-existent qualities;
2. does not try to change, “train”, re-educate, “correct” the partner;
3. soberly evaluates negative traits, seriously considering whether he can continue to live normally with them.

If at least one of these three points is not realized, then other feelings are involved in such a couple - passion, love, dependence, worship, etc.

Indicator - behavior

To truly love is to do everyday actions that speak more about the sincerity of feelings than words. When a partner is an asset, attention to detail comes to the fore:

Human needs human…

To smile just like that

So that my heart becomes warmer,

To worry: “There’s a draft there!”

Put on your slippers quickly.” (M. Boykova)

According to G. Chapman, each of us has our own love language, that is, actions by which the other judges whether he is loved or not. What is important here? Speak in your partner's language. Words are important to some, some value the time their lover devotes to them, gifts are valuable to a third, a fourth perceives feelings through assistance in business, a fifth through touch.

Ability to resolve conflicts

A relationship in which love arises is not a stage. There is no place for dramas, overblown tragedies, or acting skills. If such a couple has a problem, she prefers to solve everything peacefully. Peaceful means without throwing knives and plates, playing games of silence, visiting parents, throwing things over the balcony and screams that only the deaf cannot hear.

These partners will resolve conflicts through conversations, attempts to understand each other, and find a common mutually beneficial solution.

Another fact: the prerequisites for quarrels are inevitable. Two people, different in character, upbringing, views, trying to share housing, everyday life, will sometimes encounter differences and misunderstandings. This is fine. If there are no disagreements at all in a relationship, this means that people hush up their dissatisfaction or live not with the partner himself, but with invented fantasies about him.

A different vision of the world

The most important indicator of the sincerity of feelings is the transformation of the surrounding reality. The world becomes bright and spacious, and people and their activities are perceived as alive, beautiful and meaningful. What is love? This is the perception of the world through the prism of this feeling.

When love is unrequited and filled with suffering, then those around you seem gray and uninteresting. How is the world perceived? Dull, small and even pressing on a person.

The main indicator of the presence of genuine feelings is the attitude towards life. The lover enjoys every day, his existence is filled with colors. At the same time, kinesthetics are also important: you want to touch your partner and feel closeness.

Duration of relationship

Love is clearly not a feeling that arises in a couple of days. To say “I love” with confidence, you will first have to thoroughly study the person next to you. See how angry he gets, sad, what he does when he’s bored, who he calls first to share his joy. Right down to what dreams he has and what brand of toothbrush he prefers.

Only when many joyful and not so joyful situations have been experienced together, the strengths and weaknesses of the individual have been identified, can one think seriously about the cherished three-word phrase. Everything else up to this point is part of the imagination, which will evaporate as soon as life presents a serious test.

How to figure out whether you love or not

It is difficult for an emotional and responsive person to separate sympathy from the desire not to offend, compassion from pity, and fleeting infatuation from the mood for long-term communication. Most psychologists advise turning on your imagination and imagining any unfavorable situation, from illness to fire. If the willingness to be there, help and support remains, then no other comments are required. Only those who do not give up in the face of difficulties, even imaginary ones, can say with confidence that they have found their soul mate in the universe.

Stability of feelings

How do quarrels with parents most often occur?

“I was offended, I feel bad, but I still love my mom and dad. If they suddenly get into trouble, I will come to the rescue, despite all the disagreements.”

How do quarrels happen between lovers who have recently found each other?

“Should we break up? What if this is not my person? Do I even need it? If he starts asking for help now, I’ll proudly turn around and leave. Let him get out on his own!”

Can you feel the difference? Love is a stable phenomenon. It doesn't go away, it doesn't diminish because of a few disagreements or problems. What disappears after the first difficulties is just a temporary hormonal surge, and not deep intimacy.

Development

Relationships between loving partners do not stand still. They are looking for new and better ways to cope with life's challenges, spend time together, and express feelings in different ways.

Moreover, love experiences do not overshadow other areas of life.

Are you familiar with the situation when a person’s thoughts are so occupied that it makes it impossible to work? Or communicate with friends for a long time without mentioning your object of adoration with or without reason? Or devote time to your own hobbies, not imagining how great it would be to do the same thing, but together?

This is love. It clouds your mind, distracts you from your work, and creates the impression that everything else doesn’t matter. And this is a mistake. Because all areas are equally significant. And it is true love that understands and accepts this fact.

Hierarchy of values

The famous psychologist N. Kozlov is one of the most popular authors of the modern concept of love. How does he explain what it means to truly love someone?

In his opinion, one of the main indicators is the hierarchy of values. Each person has his own. Some people put work, football, friends, loved ones first, others put relationships with a woman first. The higher the beloved is in the hierarchy of her partner’s values, the greater the likelihood that we are dealing with sincere feelings. If a man, choosing between attending a football match and meeting a woman, prefers the former, it is unlikely that we are talking about true love.

Responsibility

If a loving man decides to stay with friends after work, he will definitely inform his wife about this. Not because of the “heel”. But because he understands: his wife will worry about his long absence. Or perhaps she will wait a long time, not going to bed or having dinner without him.

If a girl wants to buy herself another dress, realizing that the budget is limited and her boyfriend urgently needs a new shirt, she will hold off on buying her item. Because he knows: she still has several dresses, but his old clothes are no longer good for anything and clearly require updating.

To love means to accept responsibility for the feelings and well-being of your partner.

The actions of a loving person do not contradict the main principles of her couple. She respects the opinion of her loved one and always takes him into account. “Will I hurt you?”, “Will this be good for us?”, even “How will this affect his/her image?” — phrases that indicate love.

Self-sacrifice

To the question “How does maternal love manifest itself?”, we can answer that for the most part it manifests itself in self-sacrifice. Only a mother is able to fully understand, forgive and support her children, despite life circumstances. She is ready to give her last to help her child, she is ready to give her life for him. Such boundless love is not uncommon; for a mother, first of all, the life and well-being of her children is important. She invests all her strength to educate and raise worthy citizens of her Fatherland, worthy of her children. Child and mother are interconnected:

• family ties;
• heart;
• soul.

For a child, the mother personifies all the kindness and affection of the world, and the mother is attached to the child and feels him at a distance. Separation is difficult for her, and a long absence of news about the child dooms the mother to suffering and melancholy.

There is another kind of maternal love, excessive and unacceptable. Due to excessive care and guardianship, a child can grow up spoiled, lazy and not independent. But, first of all, education should be aimed at adapting a person to society.

Falling in love or mental disorder?

Anyone who has experienced falling in love or suffered from unrequited feelings has probably more than once caught himself thinking about mental illness or the development of manic dependence on an object. This is partly true! No matter how strange and frightening it may sound, psychotherapists, studying chemical reactions in lovers, compared the indicators with patients who are being treated in a mental hospital.

Judging by the signs of a man in love, love resembles drug addiction and neurotic disorders. How not to be upset by unrequited love or not sleep at night if the object of passion does not pay attention and spends time with others? No matter how frightening the doctors’ conclusions may sound, everyone wants to experience all the signs of falling in love at absolutely any age and immerse themselves in the world of sweet dreams and daydreams.

A woman's love for a man

When considering the characteristic features of the manifestation of a woman’s love for a man, we must not forget that there are frequent cases of mistaking a feeling of infatuation for love. This is where the parameters of a woman’s true love for a man will help. A woman's love manifests itself as follows:

1. Filled with inspiration and seems to fly like a butterfly. She doesn’t have rose-colored glasses, she sees everything and clearly understands. The mind is clear and consciousness perceives reality.
2. Ready to give and give. This behavior is typical only for love. A woman is ready to give a man all of herself, completely and without reserve. Dissolve in him, in his life and everyday life. Ready to give joy every day.
3. Never compares her man to anyone. He becomes the center of strength and courage. For her, everyone else is just ordinary people, but he is an object of resilience, confidence and protection.
4. The woman is worried and worried. In a relationship with a man, a loving woman tries to know and understand him more and more. Shows concern and worries in case of a bad feeling.
5. Complete trust. The woman gives the reins of power completely to the man. She trusts and does not allow thoughts of doubt. True love manifests itself in a trusting relationship on both sides.
6. The woman does not lose her head and looks at life soberly. She does not lose her self-esteem, even in moments of complete dedication to her beloved.