1 4058 March 28, 2021 at 03:59 Author of the publication: Natalya Telesheva, foreign language teacher
My husband just loves to argue. At home, at work or in the company of friends - he will find an opponent everywhere. When he thinks that a person is wrong, he will definitely correct his interlocutor and will persistently continue to argue if he does not agree with him.
“I don’t think it’s bad,” he replies to all my persuasion to quit this habit. – This is the desire to explain to a person that he is mistaken. After all, I argue in an area where I am a professional, where I know exactly what I’m talking about.”
But sometimes his obsessive desire to argue goes beyond all boundaries. It has gotten to the point that in the company of our mutual friends, everyone moves away from him or is looking for an excuse to quickly leave the party when he arrives. “They are simply afraid of an intelligent interlocutor,” my husband notes self-confidently.
Who are they - those who like to argue?
Why is insisting on your own point of view so important for some people? What makes them voluptuously prove that they are right? Let's try to figure this out with the help of System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Every person from birth has certain sets of mental properties - vectors that are responsible for a person’s interests, his motives for behavior and desires. For example, a person who is vehemently passionate about an argument has an anal vector.
From the outside it may seem that a person with an anal vector is always looking for an opportunity to argue, but this is not entirely true. Valuable concepts for him are truth and honesty. An anal person maintains order and precision in everything: in any statements, judgments and views. Measure twice, cut once - that's about him. The more difficult it is for him to remain on the sidelines when another makes a mistake in front of his eyes. If he believes that his interlocutor is wrong, then sometimes he cannot remain silent, since strong tension arises inside his psyche. At such moments, he simply needs to correct the mistake at all costs, that is, to prove to the person that he is wrong.
Finding a mistake or a fly in the ointment, separating right from wrong, clean from dirty, is the natural task of any person with an anal vector. Possessing excellent memory and a thirst for knowledge, he can study and remember large amounts of information. This allows the bearer of the anal vector to become a professional in his field, a real master, able to see the slightest inaccuracies and blots.
Understanding yourself and others changes your life
Having realized all the true motives of avid debaters with the help of system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, we begin to understand their behavior. There is no longer any irritation when a colleague or one of your relatives starts arguing with you. Moreover, you begin to deeply understand the person and speak the same language with him, so he no longer has the need to constantly prove something to you.
By acquiring systemic thinking, the owner of the anal vector himself realizes the true reasons for his behavior. Long-term grievances disappear once and for all, innate properties are used constructively, so the desire to enter into another meaningless argument no longer comes. They're talking about it
Who among us does not sin from time to time by getting angry and arguing? Despite the fact that there is always a temptation to prove that you are right and gain the upper hand, I prefer not to argue with people. Most often, the argument will lead nowhere, but will easily provoke a conflict. All parties get very irritated, slowly (or quickly) boil over, and there is a possibility that there will be no peace. Why don't I argue with people? - you ask. I have nine reasons for this.
Dispute deepens conflict
Arguing never helps people solve a problem or reach a compromise. It always implies tension and mutual irritation, which deepens the misunderstanding between opponents, and all this results in big problems. Try to control yourself and direct the argument in a calm direction.
You shouldn't argue about feelings
Human feelings cannot be right or wrong. My feelings, for example, are purely my own business. That's why when someone goes out of their way to prove to me that my feelings are irrational or meaningless, or that I'm too impressionable, I simply close the conversation or change the subject. I learned to set personal boundaries and not argue.
I hate convincing people
Nothing will change, no matter what the outcome of the dispute. In the end, people have every right to their opinion, although I don’t understand or accept their opinion. When I want to clarify a situation or voice my own opinion, I am always ready for dialogue. But when a discussion turns into an argument, the parties do not hear each other because they are angry and preparing to defend themselves.
It's no use arguing about the past
Whenever you argue with your partner, mom or friends about the past, it is always terribly toxic for your relationship. Women love to cling to painful moments of past years, which is completely dishonest and unethical. You cannot reproach your partners, friends, colleagues, or relatives because they once did something wrong.
I can put myself in my opponent's shoes
This really helps when you are trying to solve a problem and come to some conclusion. You see the situation through your opponent's eyes, hear him and understand his motives. This approach has always resulted in almost all of my conflicts ending in peaceful discussions.
I prefer the truth over self-righteousness
Sometimes I'm wrong and I can admit it. But it took me many years to understand that being right and winning an argument are completely different things. It is very difficult to admit that you made a mistake somewhere or that you were mistaken. Tame your character and pride, and there will be no conflicts in your life.
People's shortcomings are a normal thing
Some are positive and peaceful, while others are quite conflictual, aggressive and instantly flare up regardless of the arguments, topic or weather outside. There is no point in fighting with people who can butt heads over any reason - try to limit your contacts and live in peace.
A dispute no longer under control threatens to escalate into an ugly skirmish.
When two people are engaged in a heated argument, it is very easy to lose control of emotions. Then you get personal, and in an offensive way. This is the fastest way to escalate the conflict and completely ruin the relationship. Most people tend to take things too personally, so be careful with your criticism.
I can make rational conclusions
I don't argue with people who have once hurt my feelings or caused me pain. I just don’t see any reason to clarify the situation or any grievances, because I came to a certain conclusion and decided for myself whether I want to continue our relationship or not. All the people we meet in life are our teachers, and we should be grateful for every lesson they teach. This attitude helps me avoid conflicts and maintain good relationships with most people.
Disputes are actually a war of words, but human relations should not be built on military action, but on cooperation and interaction. Yes, sometimes the desire to attack an opponent is almost irresistible, but is there logic and common sense in it?
I like it when my opinion is respected
Another important feature of the owner of the anal vector is respect for authoritative opinion. A person with an anal vector always respects his mentors and the older generation. He is a connecting thread between the past and the future, taking knowledge from his ancestors and passing it on to the new generation. Therefore, experience is a significant category for him, and an experienced person makes him want to listen and follow advice.
However, it is no less important for the owner of the anal vector that his opinion is also valued and respected, because respect and honor are his values. He shows undisguised sympathy for those who listen to his opinion. But sometimes life circumstances or the burden of psychological problems do not allow an anal person to fully realize himself. Sometimes it is not possible to get a decent job where his professionalism will be valued and respected. And sometimes there is no ability, no education, no desire at all. In this case, he feels dissatisfied and tries to compensate for his frustration: it becomes even more important for him to show that he is an authority for others, so he begins to impose his view of life on others, proving that he is right.
I won't go to kindergarten, mom.
“Stubborn and stubborn” - this is what they say about avid debaters with an anal vector. The roots of stubbornness often begin in early childhood.
Anal children are very obedient. They do everything correctly, scrupulously and efficiently in order to receive praise and approval from their dear and beloved mother. But it happens that a mother does not have an anal vector and has a completely opposite type of psyche - skin. Every minute is important for her, she does everything quickly, instantly switching from one task to another, and often simply does not understand her slow child.
Such a skinny mother may not listen to the anal baby, interrupt, rush, and due to her natural tendency to save words and emotions, not even praise the child. As a result of such an attitude on the part of the mother, the child with the anal vector simply falls into a stupor. He pouts his lips, gets offended, becomes stubborn and mutters under his breath, insisting: “I won’t go to kindergarten, mom.”
Unfortunately, from such, at first glance, trivial childhood insults, a heavy load of great internal resentment against the mother accumulates. Often a person with an anal vector carries this trauma throughout his life.
When a stubborn boy grows into an adult man, he constantly clings to every opportunity to be right, engaging in pointless arguments. Unconsciously, he is not arguing with his opponent. He proves that he is right to his mother by getting stuck in past grievances, simply because he was not understood, not listened to, or praised.
Why is the brain deaf to the opponent’s arguments?
Why does being convinced of the correctness of one’s opinion make it so difficult to hear arguments against it?
A recent study from the University of London helped to reveal more about what happens in the brain during these moments. Scientists set out to understand what neural mechanisms contribute to a phenomenon called confirmation bias. Psychologists have long known about confirmation bias, but the neurophysiology of the phenomenon has not been well studied.
This type of cognitive bias causes people to choose information that confirms their opinion. This is especially true when we are very involved emotionally. To illustrate, let's remember kitchen debates about politics, when opponents can quarrel with each other. Excessive self-confidence prevents people from changing their minds, even when confronted with indisputable evidence that their beliefs are false.
The experiment took place with the participation of 75 people who watched the movement of dots on a computer screen. Each brain was connected to a magnetoencephalographic scanner. Based on the brain activity and responses of the participants, scientists obtained evidence: people who were absolutely confident in their answer were not able to perceive information that refuted it, but they sensitively monitored everything that, even indirectly, could confirm their opinion. But the brains of the participants who were less confident in their answer remained sensitive to the pros and cons.
But the Dunning-Kruger effect describes the opposite phenomenon. It happens like this: the less competent a person is in some area, the more aplomb he expresses his opinion. Obviously, this applies to people with low intelligence and narrow outlook.
I can't accept someone else's opinion
Possessing persistence and the desire to see things through to the end, a person with the anal vector will often not give in in an argument, making every effort to end up being the only one in the right. Being the best, ideal is another value in life for such a person.
Moreover, even if during an argument it becomes obvious to a person with an anal vector that he is not entirely right, it is quite difficult for him to admit it. In this regard, the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals to us another aspect of the psyche of such a person.
The fact is that accepting everything new, including an opinion that is unusual for oneself, is stressful for any carrier of the anal vector. He needs to get used not only to new external conditions, but also to new thoughts, new information. Someone else’s opinion is not his own, it is very difficult to accept. Therefore, it takes time to adapt to a different point of view.
How to argue?
Psychologists advise avoiding arguments on any occasion. If the formation of a dispute cannot be avoided, you need to know how to handle it:
- There is no need to deliberately provoke an aggravation of the situation.
- It is recommended to find out in more detail the opinion of the interlocutor on the subject of the dispute.
- Let your opponent know that his views are respected.
- During the dispute, it is necessary to maintain a restrained style of behavior.
- When conducting a discussion, it is useful to provide precise and unambiguous definitions.
- When victory is won, you need to thank your opponent for a worthy fight. Under no circumstances should you be ostentatiously proud of your win and humiliate your opponent.
Dispute rules
If this process is not controlled, it can create a conflict situation. There is a possibility of destroying the harmony of interpersonal relationships and leaving an unpleasant aftertaste in the soul. The art of argument is based on certain rules:
- You need to avoid provocative phrases like “You’re wrong.” This is a direct message to the opponent’s incompetence. It humiliates a person's self-esteem.
- It is recommended to first listen to another point of view. You need to let the person speak without interrupting him.
- With the most convincing argumentation, you can give the enemy a way to retreat. Otherwise, he will enter into open confrontation.
- It is recommended to strictly avoid direct insults, saving the opponent’s face. You must, under any circumstances, try to remain on good terms.
- The terms of the dispute should relate only to the subject of difference of opinion, without affecting the individual.
- There is no need to speculate and interpret false meanings of words. If any ambiguities arise, it is recommended to clarify all unclear points with your opponent.
What a disgrace!
The reluctance to admit one's mistake is aggravated by the fear of embarrassing oneself in front of other people. This fear can only arise in a person with an anal vector. Hence the fear of public speaking.
Therefore, during an argument, a person with an anal vector stands his ground. Otherwise, he risks being wrong, that is, imperfect, and this means a loss of authority - a shame. For an anal person, this is a huge mental stress, from which he unconsciously tries to protect himself.
Let's argue?
With sufficient realization at work, the carrier of the anal vector is much less likely to get carried away by unnecessary disputes, since he receives great pleasure from his activities, and not from proving his rightness to everyone who disagrees.
The correct implementation of the properties given by nature gives a person the opportunity to engage in the activity for which he was born. So, for example, a person with an anal vector finds himself perfectly in teaching or any editorial work. In the profession of a teacher, mentor or coach, more than anywhere else, it is necessary to be able to teach, transfer your knowledge and skills to others and, of course, correct inaccuracies.
In such activities, the authority of the anal person is reinforced by the presence of more experience and professionalism than the students, and he does not have to prove his case at every corner.
Why do people argue?
A person who argues, consciously or not, sets certain goals for himself. The reasons for the dispute may be as follows:
- To establish the truth . Such a dispute is considered the highest form of its manifestation. Under certain conditions it can be enjoyable. During a verbal confrontation, opponents can show the best qualities of their minds.
- To convince your opponent . One side is sincerely convinced that it is right. She thinks that if she convinces her opponent of this, she will bring him good. Another case is related to the desire to deceive the interlocutor. The counterpart himself does not believe in what he is trying to convince the enemy of.
- To achieve victory over your opponent . What is an argument in this case, if not self-affirmation over another person. Winning brings a feeling of false self-satisfaction and vanity. He raises the importance of himself in his own eyes.
- Just to argue . There is a category of people who like to hurt others. The dispute here acts as an additional opportunity to “let off steam.” An argumentative person does not know how to use his energy for creative activities.
Dispute
