The desire to bring everything started to an ideal ending is a trait worthy of respect. A certain category of people strives for this, regardless of the circumstances, capabilities and desires of others. Perfectionists are excellent performers and strict bosses. They often achieve success or, conversely, undermine their health in pursuit of results. Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy, known for his works “War and Peace”, “Anna Karenina”, became famous as a modest and sympathetic landowner, a hardworking writer and the kindest person. But not everyone knows that his wife rewrote the epic novel 12 times, regretting that her husband was not an ordinary aristocrat.
Steve Jobs, Nietzsche, Alexander the Great - today they are known as unique masters of their craft, but problems in communicating with them are mentioned only in psychology textbooks. And all because the personality type - a perfectionist - is ambiguous.
Perfectionists - who are they: robots or gods?
A perfectionist is a person who exposes himself to great torment, and exposes others to even greater torment.
Osho (Bhagwan Shri Rajneesh). Love. Freedom. Loneliness
- 1. Signs of a perfectionist 1.1. Signs of a perfectionist-idealist
- 4.1. ADVANTAGES of perfectionists
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- "Rorschach stains" or a test for psychopaths
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Signs of a perfectionist
A perfectionist is a person who strives to always bring everything to perfection - so that everything is in its place, actions are always perfectly correct and correct.
Perfectionism has its pros and cons.
Is it bad when you want to have a dress that fits you perfectly so you can look chic? But is it normal that the search for a dress in stores and on the Internet has already taken two months and is still ongoing, but there is still no dress in the closet? During this time, your sister has already bought and wears several dresses, but you are always not satisfied with something.
Either the color doesn’t match, or the belt is wrong, or the fabric is wrinkled, or the size is small, etc. You even missed your friend's birthday because you didn't have a dress. And that's just the dress. What can we say about work? Each task takes up a lot of your time. The time for delivery is already running out, and you are redoing everything and redoing it.
Signs of a perfectionist-idealist
A person can be a perfectionist and not even know it
Just because your closet isn't sorted by color or sleeve length doesn't mean you don't have perfectionist tendencies. They can live inside you, influence your life and contribute to the development of inhibitions.
Check to see if you have any of these habits:
- You reason according to the “all or nothing” principle. Whatever you evaluate is either right or wrong for you; either good or bad. You tend to think in extremes, rather than simply noticing the characteristics of people in a particular situation. For example, you conclude: "She is evil" rather than "Sometimes she is evil."
- Not only do you think in extremes, but you also act like, “Well, I ate a cookie and ruined my diet… I might as well eat the whole packet.”
- You rarely give instructions to others because you are sure that they will not do everything as well as you. People around you consider you to be overcautious, but you regard your actions as a desire to do the job correctly.
- You have high demands on yourself and others. You always do your best and expect others to do the same. And you're scared to death of looking like a failure.
- You can't complete a project because you think it could be done even better. You want to share the results of your work (a book, a project, a website, an article, a speech) with others, just to make sure that they deserve credit.
- The word “should” not only constantly appears in your head, but also sounds from your mouth: “I must do this” or “They must do this.” You have certain “rules” that everyone must follow. If they are ignored, you are unhappy.
- Your self-confidence depends on what you have achieved and how others talk about you. You strive for excellence and need the recognition of others. Only in this case you feel good. Once you achieve one goal, you quickly move on to the next.
- You suffer from failure. It may not have been all that bad, but you still find yourself fixated on a single mistake.
- You put off or avoid doing something when you think you won't perform at your best. It may seem counterintuitive, but people who do this are actually perfectionists. Their rationale is: “I’m unlikely to be able to do this perfectly, so why bother?”
- You are always dissatisfied with the result of your work, so you are constantly finishing and redoing something.
- You have high demands on yourself and others.
- Due to the desire to do everything perfectly, you are constantly late at work. There is often not enough time for personal life and hobbies.
- You are intolerant of criticism, even constructive criticism. If criticism is made, an aggressive reaction may follow, and the desire to act disappears.
- You are dependent on other people's opinions.
- You are very afraid of making mistakes, so you dream more than you do.
Do you recognize yourself? This means you are a real Perfectionist
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Enneatype 6. Skeptic
Representatives of the sixth enneatype are loyal, safety-oriented, consistent, responsible people. There are two types of this enneatype: counterphobic (go against their fear) and phobic (go along with their fear). Security is extremely important for these people; they rarely trust people, but they are always devoted to their family and loved ones, and value equality. Even a very wealthy six will dress modestly and not stand out, so as not to be noticed, as this is dangerous.
The best qualities of a Six are: witty, warm, sweet, loyal.
Worst qualities of Sixes: overly vigilant, irritable, judgmental.
How do they manifest themselves in work?
Sixes will always have many calculated options for solving a particular problem. They will work only in stable, proven organizations.
Recommendations: Representatives of the sixth enneatype are perfect for the role of system administrator; you should not push them into a tight time frame.
Under stress, 6 becomes 3
In difficult, tense situations, when there is little time to make a decision, sixes have a difficult time; they begin to follow the strategies of the three, quickly make decisions, and act thoughtlessly. And only then, when the tension subsides, do they either marvel at how great everything turned out, or think about how to correct the mistakes they made.
In comfort 6 goes to 9
When a six feels secure and is in a state of trust, she becomes less skeptical, begins to notice mostly the good in people, and becomes somewhat lazy.
It is necessary to develop: adaptability, self-confidence, optimism.
Prominent representatives: phobic - George Bush, Richard Nixon; counterphobic - Adolf Hitler, Dustin Hoffman.
Reasons for perfectionism
Perfectionism Scale
Perfectionists, or people with “excellent student syndrome,” try to do everything better than everyone else.
On the one hand, this is a positive characteristic, since such individuals master skills perfectly and promote the development of science and art. They are looked up to, they are respected, they are likened to them. They are the real creators.
On the other hand, it is a pathology, due to which perfectionists believe that unworthy work results should be destroyed.
Suffice it to recall N. Gogol, who burned the 2nd volume of Dead Souls. In such an indicative case, idealists become hostages of their worldview and turn into machines for completing tasks.
Reasons for the development of perfectionism:
- Often the problem of a perfectionist goes back to childhood. Earning attention and respect only through praise, the child understands: only by doing everything “excellently”, he is good, therefore he is loved. The reason is that the reflex is reinforced by parents.
- Understanding that a person’s value is in his positive actions, in his appearance, in his actions. Sometimes this reflex becomes established in adolescence, when a young man breaks off a relationship with a girl because of imperfect facial features or excess weight. She tries to look her best in order to assert herself and raise her self-esteem.
- Neurotic perfectionism develops on the basis of healthy idealism, but when constant fear of failure leads to a state of depression, complete dissatisfaction with oneself, sometimes even becomes the cause of nervous breakdowns.
Everyone benefits if the “excellent student syndrome” is moderately developed in a specific industry, but does not cover all types of individual activity.
Best the enemy of the good?
There are forms of “idealism”, where the type of people - perfectionists - is distinguished by two types of goals that they set for themselves and views on their mistakes.
- The environment of the idealist and the person who has developed adaptive perfectionism
. Such a person will perceive failure as a springboard to achieving a higher goal and will consider it a challenge. - An inadequate perfectionist
may have mental health problems, since obsessive states of achieving success in spite of everything, including common sense, are doomed in advance. For such people, the word “good” is on a par with “bad.” They only want the best ending.
Personality Traits - Perfectionist:
- Long planning of actions that would require a minimum of effort. Attention to the smallest details.
- Long-term lack of results, because more and more new shortcomings appear in the process of work.
- The habit of returning to a task that was abandoned long ago, the reluctance to bring it to the end because the ending is “not ideal.” Excessive demands on colleagues, relatives, and friends.
- The feeling that the whole world is obliged to live up to the ideals of a perfectionist.
- As a result, dissatisfaction with oneself and others. Sometimes it develops into anger or aggression.
- The desire to meet the requirements of other people, which also leads to personality problems within oneself.
- Rejection of criticism towards an idealist, painful pride, low self-esteem.
Psychologists often believe that a perfectionist is a person who is afraid of responsibility.
In fact, this is so, because only a person with inadequate idealism does not know how to admit his mistakes. “Ideal” perfectionist men become managers of large enterprises, excellent scientists or military officers. But often they hide boys inside themselves who are waiting for praise or their own approval.
“Ideal” perfectionist women are also prone to undermining their psychological and physical health due to their workload, both at work and at home.
Women who are perfectionists strictly monitor their appearance, try to cook well, and do well at work. But constant stress cannot be beneficial. Complexes and self-doubt develop. There is a feeling that life is passing by.
Advantages and disadvantages of perfectionists
Perfectionism within the norm brings benefits to an individual or the whole society. It helps plan the future, create convenient work schedules, and even speed up progress.
PROS of perfectionists
- The opportunity to achieve success, but subject to complete dedication and talent or ability.
- Punctuality, exactingness, and seriousness develop. These are the traits of a leader, but subject to the psychological characteristics of the individual.
- Development of perseverance in achieving goals, self-confidence, evolution of creative potential.
DISADVANTAGES of perfectionists
- Constantly succumbing to perfectionism, a person loses the ability to think creatively. Fatigue accumulates. Such people should remember the joke about a horse working on a collective farm, which was never able to become a chairman.
- A feeling of hyper-responsibility, when a person “owes” everything, but at the same time, he is afraid to be responsible for actions and misdeeds.
- Dislike for one’s own and others’ shortcomings develops, envy of others’ successes appears, and others are seen as competitors. This leads to the destruction of personality.
Sometimes the desire to do everything perfectly leads to delays in delivering work when deadlines are missed. Workaholism may also develop. But everything is good in moderation.
The Dangers of Perfectionism
Not being like everyone else is a very good thing.
Having individual positive characteristics in the way you do business or in communicating with others, you can achieve excellent results in almost any field. But psychologists say: you shouldn’t strive for the ideal in everything. Many perfectionists have suffered and continue to suffer from the inability to bake the perfect cake or write a perfect semi-annual report at work. It’s not just at work that it’s difficult for a perfectionist. It is difficult for them to choose a life partner. Perfectionist couples are very rare. And when raising children, a perfectionist can cripple their psyche at an early age with his demands to carry out all instructions perfectly. There are no ideal people or ideal professions in the world. But we must strive for the ideal. This is self-development.
Detailed description of the 9th Enneagram type
Author of the article: Irina Karopa
There is always a pleasant, harmonious atmosphere around these people. With their mere presence they bring calm and friendliness to the team. It seems that it is simply impossible to quarrel with representatives of the Ninth Type; in their presence, conflicts and tension resolve “by themselves.” The most colorful image of a representative of Type Nine is the character of the cat Leopold from the Soviet cartoon of the same name. Remember his life motto: “Guys, let’s live together!”? So, the Ninth type of the Enneagram is called the Peacemaker, or Mediator .
In communication, Nines are pleasant, friendly interlocutors. They listen to you attentively, smile and nod, maintaining the conversation. They themselves usually speak slowly and quietly, the timbre of their voice is pleasant, the intonation is calm, monotonous - with their speech they seem to lull their interlocutor to sleep. Body movements are smooth, relaxed, there are few gestures. Meta message: “Enough time. Let's just enjoy each other's company."
Tips for Dealing with Perfectionists
If a person with “excellent student syndrome” does not become personal and does not begin to have full control over a colleague, friend, child or other half, then it is very convenient to live and work with him.
They boldly look up to him in their work, they imitate him, they look up to him, they admire him. Another plus is that a perfectionist is a person who tries to do everything himself, because no one can do anything better than him. Sometimes you can relax and let him show his “perfection”.
Rules for communicating with a perfectionist:
- Follow his example in perseverance and hard work.
- Sometimes shifting responsibility onto him is not a sin. While he is doing monotonous or labor-intensive work, you can rest. When an “ideal” person makes a habit of making constant comments, you can pretend that he is being listened to attentively. In order not to destroy your own self-esteem, those around you do not have to delve into every corrosive word of a perfectionist.
- If claims and behavior develop into tyranny, and heart-to-heart conversations do not have the desired effect, help such a person come to the conclusion: the help of a specialist is primarily necessary for himself.
As proof, they cite constant fatigue, decreased concentration, and the suffering of loved ones due to inappropriately high expectations and demands.
Transition in comfort
When there is a pleasant, friendly atmosphere around, and when there is understanding and harmony in relationships with loved ones, Nines enter a resourceful internal state. They feel energized, their attention is focused on what is important to them, they are better able to understand what needs to be done to achieve this goal, and they get down to business with energy. In this state, Nines are productive and successful; they are able to do as many things in a few hours as another person would do over several days. This is a transition to Enneagram Type Three.
A perfectionist child: what should parents do?
Children with a predisposition to perfectionism do not behave like everyone else.
Let us recall that in English the word “perfectionism” is translated as “striving for the ideal.” In psychology, this phenomenon is considered a disease of high standards, that is, excellent student syndrome.
Perfectionism begins to develop from a very early age. This is mainly the fault of the parents themselves, who really want their child to be the smartest, and, therefore, they themselves make inflated demands regarding studies. For example, why their child took second or third place instead of first in the competition. Why did their child receive a “4” grade in the subject instead of a “5” grade?
All this causes them misunderstanding and a desire to raise the bar higher. And the child, in turn, thinks that his parents do not love him because he did not live up to their hopes. And therefore, to earn their love, you need to become the best. Such a stressful state of a child can cause him a nervous breakdown, as well as a psychosomatic illness.
When parents begin to make high demands on their child, they must remember that all this will not pass without a trace for him, especially for his psyche and development. A high grade is not the most important thing in learning. The main thing is the acquired knowledge and skills, which will always be needed in the future life of their baby.
How can parents understand that their child is a perfectionist? To do this, you can do a little testing on your child:
- He wants to study for high grades and approval from adults.
- He can cheat without any problems in order to get a higher score.
- He quickly gets irritated; if he is not praised, his self-esteem drops.
- Jealous of the success and high grades of other children.
- He does not like criticism and takes it very painfully.
- For the sake of studying and excellent grades, he refuses rest and entertainment.
- Due to failure, he may become depressed.
- A mental illness is developing.
If parents answered “YES” to 3 or more points of this test, then they should understand that their child is a perfectionist.
Because they are too demanding of their child, that is, they have set the bar too high. What should you do in such a situation:
- Parents must try to ensure that their child cannot compare the concept of “success” with the concept of “approval” or “love.” Because he will begin to earn the respect and approval of others, including his parents, using various methods.
- Under no circumstances should you scold or punish a child for a bad grade. Because a child with such an excellent student syndrome is afraid of condemnation and punishment, and will try to be cunning and falsify grades. For example, he will keep 2 diaries, one for school, the other with only good grades for his parents.
- It is imperative to show the child that his parents’ respect and love for him does not depend on his success at school, but on the fact that he is loved for who he really is.
- You should often tell your child what a great guy he is, the best, even if someone is better than him. The main thing is to take into account the outcome, and pay less attention to the details.
- It is always necessary to teach a child to treat failures correctly, so that when he becomes an adult, he does not perceive them as a failure in his life.
- It is worth teaching that mastering something new is more important for him than getting a high grade. You just have to accept failure in business calmly, draw a conclusion and move on. No people are perfect, everyone makes mistakes.
The most important thing for parents to remember is to simply love their child simply for being in their life.
Transition under stress
A stressful factor for people of Type Nine can be a protracted conflict situation, or a tense atmosphere at work, or external pressure when insufficient time is allocated to complete a task or make a decision. In such circumstances, Nines lose their inherent complacency, begin to treat others with suspicion - they begin to see hidden motives in their behavior and the desire to use them. The usual perception of the world in pastel colors is overshadowed by irony and pessimism. This is how their transition to the Six is manifested.
Prevention of “excellent student syndrome”
It is easier to prevent pathology than to fight it. It is enough for parents to know that in raising children, attention is focused on assessing the child’s actions, and not on his personality. For mom and dad, a son or daughter should always be good, loved, the best - without conditions.
For adults, everything is more complicated; they will have to change their beliefs:
- We must learn to accept ourselves as we are. With shortcomings and advantages, as a unique personality that was so lacking in the world.
- Love yourself. You cannot achieve respect and compassion for others if you do not experience it for yourself.
- Accept that the world is not perfect; it contains not only blessings and happiness, but also problems.
Even Goethe argued that man has 3 hypostases.
This is what he thinks about himself; what others think of him and what he really is. And you can recognize yourself throughout your life. A perfectionist needs to prove that he himself is not ideal, but he makes someone else happy in life - then Mr. Perfect will look at others differently.
Enneatype 8. Boss
Eights are strong, influential, know what they want, and are confident people. They are full of vitality and energy. If something happens that goes against their wishes, they may seem prescriptive. Beneath their shining armor, people of this enneatype have a big heart, they are protective of others and are very responsible. They are ready to show their vulnerable side, which they usually hide, only if they feel trust in someone.
The best qualities of Eights are: strong, confident, resilient, energetic.
Worst qualities of Eights: aggressive, suspicious, dominant.
How do they manifest themselves in work?
Eights make decisions quickly and are able to take responsibility. They do not tolerate it if they cannot quickly get the desired result.
Recommendations: it is necessary to understand that the eight will always strive for management positions; it needs power. It is good to use Eights as a mentor, to give them new employees to adapt to.
Under stress, 8 becomes 5
When an 8 is under pressure, she begins to exhibit the enneatype 5 behavior pattern: she withdraws, considers new ways of acting, and does not drag others into her personal problems and sorrows.
In comfort 8 goes to 2
In a comfortable state, with a sense of security, the Eight becomes a very caring and helpful person.
What needs to be developed is: the ability to simply be in the present without trying to influence the situation, take control or responsibility.
Prominent representatives: Nikita Khrushchev, Bruce Lee.
Treatment for perfectionism
If the “excellent student syndrome” does not have a neuropathic background, work on persuasion is needed. Through cognitive psychology, experts ensure that the idealist himself reconsiders his life positions.
Three steps to getting rid of perfectionism:
- Set an achievable goal based on realistic and achievable criteria. It is important in the process not to do more than the intended goal requires.
- Think about what you will have to pay for the achievement. This is the amount of time spent, health, strength, and sometimes free time with loved ones.
- Keeping up with the times means that the perfectionist and other types of people involved in achieving a goal must meet a time frame. It is impossible to postpone, reschedule, or allocate time for revision.
Here are some more tips for perfectionists:
- You need to set aside a certain time for all your activities and strictly follow this schedule. This way you won’t be able to get hung up on one thing for a long time and will learn to switch. You will have time for other activities.
- You need to treat your mistakes correctly. Mistakes are a lesson for the future. In the future, the mistakes you make will be a resource for you, a store of knowledge that will allow you to cope with the task faster and better.
- Criticism must be present in our lives. If you heard it, then, as a perfectionist, you must understand that perfection is not yet close. What seems ideal to you may look completely different in the eyes of others. How will you achieve the ideal if you don’t know what it is? How can you receive praise if the result of your work is different from what society expects?
- Don't do any soul-searching. You don't have to go back to the past all the time. We must understand that the past cannot be changed. The result of the past is our experience. It’s better to praise yourself more often, encourage and pamper yourself. It’s more pleasant than gnawing at yourself all the time to no avail.
If you work on yourself, you can extract positive aspects from perfectionism:
- Everything can be done according to a plan or schedule, but to the maximum.
- If you feel that you can do more, you see real potential in yourself, spend your time and energy on improving your “I”. Your achievements will also increase.
- If you gave it your all, but didn’t finish something during working hours, leave it for next time. Tomorrow, with renewed vigor, you will achieve even better results.
- Having the same resources and opportunities, setting realistic goals for yourself, you will always achieve more than others.
- Don't set the bar too high for yourself, otherwise you won't be able to enjoy the results. After all, you, as a maximalist, can rejoice to the fullest. Since you, as a maximalist, can rejoice to the fullest, do not miss this opportunity. After all, you are still the best.
But if perfectionism has neuropathic preconditions, they turn to a psychotherapist. It will help destroy illusions about the structure of the world and the patient himself. He will also understand the causes of this condition.
Enneatype 7. Enthusiast
Sevens are multi-faceted, fast, confident, spontaneous. This is the most cheerful, energetic Enneagram type. For them, it is as if fears, troubles, pain do not exist; they always repress the negative side of their lives. Sevens are excellent inspirers who are able to ignite other people, and after that they themselves can switch to something new. They tend to idealize people, ideas, concepts and activities and immerse themselves in everything new. Sevens have an open face, a radiant and indispensable smile. They are mobile and active, giving the impression of an easy-going person. Their gaze is often directed upward, and their eyes are wide open towards new adventures.
The best qualities of sevens: fast, confident, creative.
Worst qualities of Sevens: narcissistic, undisciplined, manic.
How do they manifest themselves in work?
Sevens are very loved by clients, as they always inspire, are ready to help and support. The manager needs to understand that the seven does not stay in one place for long, especially if the work does not involve the constant introduction of innovations.
Recommendations: we must remember that Sevens are excellent at the start, when they need energy to implement a new direction, they are excellent negotiators and salesmen, and when working, freedom and access to all resources are important to them. These people are afraid of deep attachment and are not ready to go into depth; they can easily perform several tasks in parallel, the most important thing is that they are not boring. Sevens respect straightforward people. They value sincerity, dedication and initiative.
Under stress, 7 becomes 1
Under stress, when not all resources are available and there is no feeling of complete freedom, Sevens become picky about details and prone to judgment.
In comfort 7 goes to 5
In a resourceful state, Sevens become more thoughtful, they want privacy, they will be pleased with a good book and new useful information.
It is necessary to develop: discipline, focus, work on time management issues.
Prominent representatives: Jackie Chan, Brad Pitt, Steve Jobs.
Instead of an afterword
To finally answer your question: are perfectionists hostages of their own and others’ ambitions, or people to be emulated, we can recall the examples of great inventors.
D. Mendeleev is known as the inventor of the periodic table. He spent many years on it, but worked meticulously to please his mother. She alone tried to get Dmitry, the 17th child in the family, accepted into a prestigious university. His whole life became proof of his mother’s love and gratitude.
Another idealist was the physicist L. Landau, who came to the conclusion that marriage would not be called a good word. He won the Nobel Prize, but due to his busy schedule, he forgot about his wife on his wedding night. With the words: “Oh, I’m unhappy!” I never left the regular laboratory tests.
Being a perfectionist is sometimes good - the next generations will appreciate your work. But will his descendants be among them? And is it easy to go through life next to a person suffering from a manic idea of making everyone perfect? And isn't this dangerous? How do you think? Share your opinion with us!
Dagirova Lidiya · 24 Sep, 2019
