When people live together, they get used to each other's character, and this explains that every year there are fewer and fewer quarrels. When you’re young, when you don’t have a family yet, and you just started dating recently, grinding can’t be avoided. This is quite natural: different views, temperaments, levels of upbringing and education, and national traditions collide. But the most important thing is that there is a conflict of the sexes.
The problem is that for overly emotional girls, every little detail in a relationship is important, while young people who are more reserved and do not show their feelings in public view usually go directly to some goal and do not notice these very details.
Today we will help the fair sex to develop tactics and understand what to do if there is a quarrel with a guy: is it worth going to reconciliation first and how to reduce the number of conflicts if you want to save the relationship.
Perception of a quarrel in a man and a woman: what is the difference?
An adequate man (namely, we will talk about relationships with such people in the material) is always a logician. That is, he quarrels and makes peace, giving arguments and reasoning logically. What is especially important is that a man has a specific goal that he wants to achieve by conducting a dialogue: to solve a problem or prove something. In women, emotions often prevail, which can lead to incorrect behavior. Perhaps in this way she wants to get the energy that she lacks.
For some men and women, a quarrel is a game, a provocation, a replacement (including sexual life). In addition, these are grievances that you do not voice and which subsequently develop into scandals.
There is a separate category of people who specifically provoke their partners into negative emotions. Only in a state of conflict do they feel good.
Before starting a quarrel, think about why it is needed, what problem do you want to solve? In any case, this is not a normal reaction. If quarrels are frequent and the reasons are different each time, then the partners are only looking for a reason to lash out at the other person. And behind the scandals lies a lack of love, fear, fatigue, a woman’s resentment towards a man because he does not want to take responsibility for her emotions.
"One of us often ignores the other"
Completely ignoring your partner is a very bad behavior strategy.
It's worth noting that conspicuously ignoring another person is not the same as saying, "I'm really angry, so I need to take a break to calm down." According to Torrisi, many people confuse these things, so they resist the idea of breathing space before resolving a conflict. But there is a big difference between these two types of behavior. In one case, we show respect and act fairly. In another, we don’t care and we just want to punish our partner.
Ignoring is often used for manipulation. This is an example of denial of emotional connection and a type of revenge - an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. This behavior often means the end of a relationship, as it implies that one partner no longer wants to deal with the common problem.
What should you not do during a quarrel?
You cannot get personal, discussing a person’s physical and psychological characteristics, his material capabilities, “undermining” his self-esteem.
The most correct behavior during a quarrel is to talk about the problem, passing it through yourself: “It’s difficult for me to live in such a situation,” “I feel insecure...”. There is no need to transfer the problem to another person, because in this way he will not hear you, but will immediately begin to defend himself. You also can’t move on to discussing your partner’s family. This can lead to very deep conflict.
Do not compare a person with anyone else and do not stoop to borderline manifestations. If you realize that you are starting to scream or break dishes, stop. Always think about the future, won't you be ashamed after everything you said to the person? If you are replacing your true motives with quarrels, then you just need to sort them out with a specialist.
A quarrel is always asexual, and screaming is a sign of weakness. Before you start a fight, imagine how you both will look from the outside.
“We often quarrel in front of our friends”
Whether or not it is acceptable to have conflict in front of friends depends on the norms of the culture. However, since arguments are intimate, your friends probably don't want to witness them.
If you do butt heads in public, you must let those present know whether you were able to reach some kind of compromise - otherwise they will only see conflict. This is especially important if you get into an argument in front of children.
“It’s okay if children see you quarrel,” says Torrisi. “But they shouldn’t see you swearing, because you shouldn’t swear at all.” One way or another, they must be aware of what is happening. Let them know that you didn't agree with each other, but you came to an understanding and everything is fine."
How to make peace?
You need to understand who you are dealing with. Is this man worth conflicts, quarrels and worries? And only then will you be able to honestly answer the question: what is the true cause of the scandals. And then, perhaps, it will be necessary to make a more serious decision (read the link on how to get out of a “sick” relationship).
The ability to defend your value and self-respect is basic when exiting a conflict. A woman who constantly breaks herself for a man loses her importance to herself and becomes boring for a man. Such situations can lead to bullying, when a man seems to ask: how far can I go so that you finally show your character?
If you are dealing with an adequate person, then in a quarrel, as in a truce, you need to negotiate, reason reasonedly and clearly. Don’t think it’s strange, but I advise you to take the time and write a conversation script in advance. This way you will understand what you want from this dialogue. Perhaps you will immediately understand that this is a breakdown, which you need to cope with not through a scandal with a loved one.
Don't swear at home, don't start a fight by making a face mask or standing in a stretched T-shirt. Even in this situation you need to look good. If a woman often puts on the image of a victim, she loses attractiveness. This is a very cheap manipulation that does not lead to anything good.
After a quarrel at the truce stage, do not get personal, do not give ultimatums, do not set deadlines for each other - all this will provoke further scandals.
Be sincere. If you really understand that you are to blame, say so frankly. Explain what you are missing in the relationship and what may have led to the crisis and breakdown.
If you cannot take the first step forward, write a sincere conciliatory letter. In this context, I would recommend Mikhail Litvak’s book “Psychological Aikido” - it contains a lot of practical advice to help improve relationships, including how to properly put up with a girl or guy.
You can also thank the person for helping you understand the situation. He will be pleased, and the conflict will disappear. In any case, the “I-concept” is important: talk only about yourself and your emotions, do not cross the personal boundaries of another person. Humor and play can also help. With their help, you can always get out of any quarrel easily.
Fifth road. It seems love has passed
Love is a free feeling. They are difficult to manage. It is impossible to come to an agreement with him. It’s a very scary question to ask yourself after 10-20 years of marriage: “If we don’t have love, why are we together?” But if there is love and it is mutual, then it can become an excellent assistant in the fight against difficulties.
How to avoid this road?
- Remember: you are equal. Your opinion and your partner's opinion are equally valid. Your needs are just as important as your partner's needs.
- You have the right to be yourself in your relationship. Respect means accepting another person's right to be who they are. Being yourself means experiencing your own feelings, and not focusing on your partner’s feelings. See the world differently, think differently, want your own. It is under this condition that intimacy arises - the most important quality of a partnership: “I can be with you as I am.”
- Your relationship should be free from violence - physical and psychological. “I am a separate free person, and you can only be and treat me with love. And we can do the same with you.”
Relationships are work. And if you both work on them, it helps you get closer and overcome any obstacles on the path to happiness. On one condition - if you both want it.
Make-up sex: yes or no?
Often a man and a woman use sex as a way of reconciliation. If this happens a couple of times, that's normal. But if all conflicts in the house end this way, then we can confidently conclude that harmonious normal relationships do not excite both partners. Therefore, they often provoke quarrels in order to feel these experiences again.
This way you don’t work through and talk through grievances and dissatisfaction. But we need to understand that every unprocessed quarrel and resentment settles in our minds and bodies. And all this can simply affect health. In men, the liver, kidneys, reproductive and skeletal systems are primarily affected. In women - also the reproductive and endocrine systems, musculoskeletal system, blood vessels.
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Approach the task with humor
Humor is a reliable tool in building relationships. It is especially valuable in girls, since few have this quality. In addition, humor is for intellectuals, and if you know how to joke, it means you have a developed mind. But they don’t part with smart and beautiful girls so easily.
Look at the quarrel from a different angle, try to turn it into a joke. Laugh with your chosen one at the situation. In the grand scheme of things, there are very few things in life that deserve to be fought over.
And if you can turn on humor earlier, you can use it to prevent discord.
Organize a romantic dinner
One of the best solutions may be to go together to a restaurant with good cuisine - Caucasian, Japanese, Italian or other. You probably know what food your loved one likes best. Choose a venue that has an intimate atmosphere so that nothing will interfere with your conversation.
Most men love to eat delicious food. The well-worn truth about the way to their heart through their stomach remains relevant. Therefore, it is not at all necessary to go to a restaurant; you can melt the heart of your chosen one with the help of homemade pickles.
How to arrange a romantic reconciliation dinner:
- Prepare your boyfriend's favorite dishes.
- Decorate the table. Don't limit yourself to regular serving. Use your imagination. For decoration, you can use symbols that have a certain meaning for your relationship.
- Candles and aromas, quiet music and twilight will help add atmosphere.
Try not to repeat yourself; if you have already used this method for reconciliation, the second time will not work. Another disadvantage of this option is that it will not work if the young man does not make contact and refuses to spend the evening with you.
The dinner is suitable only for those couples who already have a history together and relationship experience. For those who are just building them, this method is ineffective. Moreover, such an initiative - an invitation to a romantic dinner - is more suitable for a man.
You will become a better person
You learn to focus on what matters most. The fact that your significant other is very important to you and you want your loved one to be happy. This is how you become more patient, understanding and caring, and learn to truly love.
When you're in the middle of a fight, you're clearly not having fun. You feel disgusting. In a way, quarrels are like sports training. Isn't it always nice to sweat at the gym? No. But this is how you improve your weak points.
Greg Godek
To quarrel is to forge a sword of steel. Only after hardening, after repeated immersion in hot oil and cold water, will a work of art be obtained that can survive any test. It's the same with your union.
Apply affection and care
Men are like cats, they only pretend that they are independent and can completely do without anyone’s participation. In fact, it is easy to approach most of them by showing affection and tenderness. If you know the weak points of your chosen one, then you will surely cope with the task.
This method is effective for small quarrels. If there is a serious rift between you and your boyfriend, this option will not work. But this does not apply to couples living together - in such a situation, the girl has a lot of opportunities, showing affection and care, to appease the young man.
A gentle hug, an innocent kiss on the cheek will help melt the ice in the heart of your loved one, and if you season it with a pinch of the forgotten - ironing his favorite shirt, turning on his favorite music, etc., then you will definitely achieve the desired effect.
Spouse's fault
If, after a scandal, you are absolutely sure that it’s all your husband’s fault, but he still doesn’t call and doesn’t want to be the first to reconcile, then you need to know how to act.
- Be patient. Perhaps, over time, your beloved will realize that he was wrong and will still come to ask for forgiveness.
- Sometimes you have to be the first to take steps towards reconciliation. Try to discuss what happened in a normal environment, without raising your voice.
- Under no circumstances start a new scandal because your husband is “a cracker, he doesn’t appreciate you, he has no forgiveness.” This way you will only activate a vicious circle that can end in divorce.
When my husband realizes that he was wrong, he always comes with a bouquet of flowers.
“I try to say what I don’t like, but it all ends in scandal.”
Maria B. says.
I have no complaints about my loved ones, yes, there are some things I don’t like, but in a calm state I understand that people are different, and I cannot force them to live according to my scheme. Moreover, these people never act badly towards me; there is nothing negative in their actions.
But it’s hard for me to remain silent if they said something offensive to me or just hooked me with a random phrase. I start looking for an answer: I dig into old mistakes or people’s words. For example, I rent an apartment, my sister went to the first viewing and then told me that the renovation was cheap, but I liked the apartment and rented it. The next time we had a fight, I remembered these words and accused her of violating my boundaries.
When I don’t like something in the actions of people close to me, I try to talk about it, but everything ends badly. People think that I express my complaints with aggression, they begin to express them in response, and we fight.
I often argue with close friends on social networks. Perhaps we do not see the intonation of phrases and interpret everything in our own way. But if a skirmish breaks out, I write indignant monologues at the speed of a machine gun. Previously, I tried to talk about serious topics on social networks, for example, writing to a young man that yesterday he offended me. But again, they misunderstood me, and mutual reproaches began.
