How to survive the next day after one spouse finds out about the infidelity of the other. Only those couples who have had warm, sincere feelings for each other for many years are able to continue their journey together, especially if they once experienced and did not forget a true reunion of souls. Other couples, unfortunately, find it very difficult to forget or forgive each other. Only if you love, there is hope that you will cope with the chaos created: months of living together with the ghosts of doubt and fear hovering in the house.
No betrayal is the same, and every couple deals with it differently. There is a way out, but it is extremely important that both partners are willing to find it. There are always reasons to stay together, as well as arguments to break ties in moments of crisis.
Sooner or later you will have to make a decision. But it is also clear that in the first weeks or months the atmosphere in which both partners find themselves is not the most favorable for making a final decision. Especially for those couples who were once happy, friendly and strong...
The only way to do this is to
- help each other feel like a full-fledged member of the family,
- heal wounds
- revive those feelings that were once paralyzed...
Of course, at a time of crisis, doubt arises: is such a task feasible? In most cases, disagreements in couples become more complex as the dialogue progresses.
The fact is that almost always both partners view the situation without due adequacy, especially when the topic of disagreement affects status in the family, when there is an attempt to gain a higher position. This increases suffering or simply leads to a complete break in the relationship. When we try to change our situation or status in the family, less decisive or insufficiently developed traits of our character, our most painful and defenseless sides, always come to the surface.
To prevent such a development of events, you should resort to the help of bright feelings that preceded the formation of a couple.
- The one who has been unfaithful must, at best, demonstrate evidence of his commitment and a desire to develop within the couple, without accepting the role of the person always under suspicion.
- Those who have experienced infidelity must do their best to come to terms with what happened and resist the temptation to blame or punish their partner for their infidelity.
- You need to work on yourself and try to regain your trust in your partner, without fear that everything could happen again. At the same time, you need to remember that the decision to stay together and try to start over should not be perceived as a lack of self-respect.
- Also, no matter what happens, do not forget that no recipe can replace the desire to be together again. This is a key element that can potentially save a relationship after cheating. When there is a desire to be together, the hearts of both partners rebel against a possible final break in the relationship.
Of course, this is a necessary condition, but in no case should you think that it is sufficient. Even if a person feels the need to maintain a relationship, he is not always able to understand the movements of his partner’s heart, especially if the mind is clouded by sadness, resentment or fear of hopelessness.
What can I do?
After betrayal, when the storm has subsided and peace has replaced the confusion in the soul, both partners expect certain actions from each other. Especially the one who is convinced of the presence of the main motive: the partner still matters to him.
In such a situation, one of the partners may decide to treat the other as the most important person in his destiny, and wait for the first step from him. But instead of waiting, he should have asked the question: “What can I do besides wait for my partner to take that first step?”
He should ask himself: “What can I do to make my chosen one understand how much he means to me?” This is the most important question.
Be prepared for the cheater to say something like this: “You mean nothing to me.” But we must not forget that those words that he heard almost all the time, before he decided to seek solace in the arms of a third, led him to the thought: “I don’t mean anything to him (her) anymore.”
But someone who has had to endure a partner’s betrayal comes to mind with a similar thought: “I don’t mean anything to him (her), just like our relationship, since he (she) decided to date someone else.”
And the traitor needs to make a lot of effort to correct this impression. However, if the cheater is unable to demonstrate in word and deed that he agrees and wants the partner to stay, it will be impossible to renew the relationship.
Many couples find it difficult to be sincere with each other, it is difficult to open their hearts to each other again and confirm the desire to maintain the union with actions. Small or large, but changes in the behavior of partners must necessarily occur in order for one to begin to trust the other again, and for the other to feel that he is being taken into account. This path leads from small to great, and the smallest everyday actions add up to create favorable conditions for the bond between partners to become stronger again.
I hate my husband...
How my husband infuriates me... It’s a lot and chaotic... We’ve been married for 5 years... When I was pregnant, my husband was perfect... We didn’t fight, he put up with all my whims... I knew that pregnant women shouldn’t be nervous... Everything for the sake of the child... When I gave birth , it started... We fought every day... Over little things... The child has grown up, we fight too... I didn’t wash his face right away, after sleep... I actually want to wash myself first, then the child, and not sleepy go wash him ....Don’t give him this, then don’t give him that...He can shove whatever he wants...It’s no big deal, he says...The child fell, it’s my fault...His child fell, it’s no big deal...The child got burned, I get it, he got burned afterwards, no big deal, the tea wasn’t hot... When he gets angry, he yells obscenities, threatens to beat me up if I don’t keep quiet... I always have to be silent, even if I’m telling the truth... But he never liked the truth... Sometimes in response to his swearing, I snap back, not with swearing... I get it in full... Both in the head and in other parts of the body... Then, as if nothing had happened, he begins to talk himself... And try to talk to him not in that tone...
Now about his pettiness... and greed... My relatives are all bad, his are all golden... My parents fully support the child... Baby food, clothes, diapers, toys... Gifts all the time... They buy me clothes when they go shopping... Although I am against it... For my husband buy gifts...His parents NEVER bought ANYTHING, not even for a child...But I don’t need anything from them...The main thing is that my husband doesn’t appreciate this...When I lend small things to my family, a scandal begins...Although I never spend money on them ,only in debt….
About divorce...They talked more than once, mostly me...He says fuck off wherever you want, I'll take the child...How can he stay with the child? Never babysit him for more than half an hour...It's none of your business...I say, the court won’t give you the child, he says that he doesn’t give a fuck about the courts, he’ll take him away... and if they don’t give me up, they’ll fuck me every day, catch me everywhere..... By the way, I live in a country where there’s a mentality that divorce is a shame for the whole family…..My parents were always against divorces…How long did I try to leave…Their answer was where was I looking before?….Yes, I realize that it’s my own fault…I was a fool, in love, I thought about changing…I hoped…What kind of person am I anyway? stupid…..I have no brains….Now I don’t know what to do….
He himself doesn’t work... We spend maternity money... On his clothes, parties, gasoline...
I sit every day thinking..What are his advantages? What are his disadvantages.... Of the advantages - good looks, loves his son, I can’t remember anything else.. Of the shortcomings - angry, greedy, rude, vindictive, lazy, stupid (can’t find a job )…sex….there’s almost none…And there wasn’t enough before…
Sometimes I want him to die... I know that it’s a sin to think like that... But I don’t know how to get rid of him otherwise... Even if we get divorced, he won’t leave him alone... Especially since he has a son...
One thing I don’t regret is that I got married, about my son... I can’t imagine life without him......
I don't know which category...
Recipes for betrayal
Sincerity
In couples, especially those who have spent a long time together, during a period when they have devoted themselves for years to caring for and raising children, creating economic stability for the family or a career, it often happens that partners forget about each other.
For example, they forget that daily but necessary gestures that express feelings of affection gradually lose their sincerity. But they are able to be useful only when they are sincere, and they can only be so when they reflect what the heart wants to say. Therefore, for starters, it would be good to find new ways to express your tender feelings for each other - both partners have long needed them. This stage on the path to restoring communication is inevitable.
Wish list for a partner
Also, to avoid coming back to the topic of cheating, you should give your partner a small list of what you like, what you need, and what is important to you.
Not in the sense of a list of requirements. These are rather reminders, motives necessary for the partner to understand what he needs to do for the other partner, what will be pleasant for him and what he values most...
For example, imagine what my spouse should have known and done for me?
- I need you not to be busy with work all the time, even if we have to deny ourselves something, because in any case, I will miss you along the way.
- I need you to call me sometimes - just like that, not just because you need to ask me for something.
- I need to be able to call you when the need arises without feeling like I'm taking you away from something important.
- I need you to let me know that you still like me and want me before we get into bed, or just because.
- I need you to understand that sometimes I need to be alone.
- I need to know what you think about me, even when we are not together and especially in these moments...
How to survive your husband's betrayal
Seven tips to help you forgive your husband’s infidelity:
1.Move away. It is not easy. After all, it seems that the sooner you find out the situation, the sooner it will be resolved, but this is not so. The conversation will simply end in a scandal, hysteria, accusations and “caustic” words that will hurt the offender.
Take a break. Calm down. Walk more, throw yourself into work, let off some steam, go on vacation, spend more time with friends. Once you are able to distance yourself from the betrayer, it will be easier to think clearly about the situation and discuss it calmly with your spouse.
2. Don't suppress your feelings. A frank conversation will help you understand the reason for the action and get emotional release. You need to sincerely forgive your partner and accept the betrayal as a fait accompli, otherwise there is no point in saving the family.
Stop making excuses and believing that the relationship will magically become the same as before. It’s better to think whether you are ready to come to terms with the act and forgive.
To better understand the situation, you can contact a family psychologist or read books on this topic, for example:
- “Infidelity”, Marina Travkova;
- "The chemistry of love. A Scientific View of Love, Sex and Attraction”, Brian Alexander, Larry Young;
- "Right to left." Why do people cheat and is it possible to avoid cheating”, Esther Perel;
- “Bed wars. Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Relationship Evolution by Robin Baker;
- “Why Men Lie and Women Cry,” Allan Pease, Barbara Pease;
- The Science of Love and Cheating by Robin Dunbar.
3. Don't blame yourself. Refuse to play the victim. Analyze your own actions, since two people are responsible for any rift in a relationship. You need to admit part of your wrongness, but without removing responsibility from the man and without self-flagellation. If your partner persistently or even aggressively accuses you, leave immediately.
You can remember the incident, but you don’t need to always remember the whole painful range of feelings, “scroll” in your imagination the details of how your husband gave love to another. There is no need to come up with options for repeated betrayals.
4. There is no need to compare yourself with your rival. Work on improving your self-esteem. Take care of your own appearance: take a manicure and makeup course, join a gym, update your wardrobe, change your image or style. The new image of a “desirable woman” will attract the gaze of the stronger sex and get rid of complexes.
5. Taking care of your own health will help distract you from negative thoughts after cheating. Physical and mental activity: do a thorough cleaning of the apartment, throw away or donate unnecessary things, take part in a city quest, play board games with friends.
6. Find support. Express yourself to your loved ones, chat on the forum with women who have also experienced betrayal. The problem will not seem so acute and painful if you talk about it very often: to your mother, to a friend, to yourself in front of the mirror, to a psychotherapist.
7.Work on improving your relationship. Start over and build a deep connection between you. Find something in common, share and share each other’s interests, watch a TV series together, read the same books. Go on vacation together.
Couples are brought together by their shared hobbies: tennis, cycling, painting by numbers. You can try something new for you: flying in a wind tunnel, rock climbing, hiking, pottery, baking cakes. Learn to compromise. Look for a middle ground in all decisions. Don't let everything always be the way only one of the partners wants.
Frank and calm conversation
Experts advise women to understand their own thoughts and behavior. This will make it possible to understand why conflicts and feelings of hatred arose. Then you need to try to talk to your spouse. The conversation should be open but calm. Accusations and insults will only make the situation worse.
Perhaps, after a conversation, the spouses will find a way to solve the accumulated problems together.
Is this hatred?
“I hate my husband, what should I do?” - Does every time such a confession on the part of an annoyed woman indicate that she really experiences such negative emotions towards her husband? Psychologists have their own opinion on this matter.
Vladimir Yuryevich Labkovsky, family psychologist, coordinator of Moscow Social-Psychological University:
— Hatred is a very common emotion that many people mistake for anger. It is by its nature fleeting and, as a rule, does not entail consequences such as hatred. Quite often, a woman mentions hatred towards her husband while in just such an angry state. Formally, she is right and hates her husband at the very moment when she declares it. However, even 5 minutes later she may regret what she said, since the female emotional profile is characterized by a rapid attenuation of negative emotions. Therefore, you should carefully separate already formed hatred from momentary anger and accumulated irritation.
Accordingly, you should take some measures only with a clear understanding of the nature of your emotions. Otherwise, you can only worsen your relationship with a loved one.
What to do if hatred towards your husband appears?
So, from all of the above, you already know that the strength of the feeling of hatred is equal to the feeling of love. As for negativity, here it is close to rage or, to a lesser extent, to anger, resentment or anger. But don’t forget about one more factor, namely your inner fear.
All this is not a mere coincidence. The hormone of anger, rage and hatred is formed in the adrenal glands, precisely due to the release of the fear hormone. Consequently, most women begin to hate their husbands out of fear, after which hatred comes.
Fear of losing your husband, fear that you will definitely be betrayed or exchanged for another, jealousy, financial dependence - all this is the answer to the question of why a wife hates her husband.
Next, let's look at how we can deal with this.
What are the reasons?
Every effect has its own cause. This is a universal law that works well in all areas of our lives. In the case of the sacramental “I hate my husband,” everything is extremely simple: hatred is a classic example of an effect—and deciding what to do with it must begin by identifying the specific causes that gave rise to it.
And if you say that you hate your husband for no reason, then something needs to be done with you: but for this there are already services and forms of help.
Let's try to look at the most common reasons, which are often stated by offended wives on women's forums:
- regular betrayal of a spouse;
- physical and moral violence (4 popular prayers against husband’s aggression towards his wife);
- excessive and unreasonable nagging;
- pathological jealousy;
- a man’s irresistible craving for alcohol or drugs (how to wean your husband off alcohol without his knowledge);
- gaming addiction;
- mental and physical degradation of the spouse.
Sometimes even one reason is enough to ignite a strong source of hatred. However, most often it is worth talking about their totality.
After all, a lump of problems within a family is like a snowball: everything continues to grow in volume if you don’t stop and try to break it up with thoughtful analysis.
If there is one step from love to hate
Love and hate. Few people know, but these feelings have a lot in common. To think that these are two completely opposite things is to think wrongly, because the other side of love is not hatred, but complete indifference. It will be the absolute opposite of hatred. Think for yourself: with an indifferent, indifferent attitude, we do not waste any emotional energy. But with love (as with hatred), the maximum of our attention is drawn to what or to whom we experience such strong feelings. So it turns out that both feelings are very close and equally emotionally charged, although in one case this charge is positive, and in the other – negative.
What forces you to live with a hated person?
A child can stop a woman from making the decision to break up with a hated person
When hatred develops at the beginning of life together, for example, subsequently due to everyday problems, when the young people did not have the opportunity to live together before marriage, and when living together many pitfalls surfaced, then a decision is often made to separate, to get a divorce. But there are also situations when hatred develops after many years of living together and then certain factors stop a woman from getting a divorce.
- Common property. For example, a situation where a mortgage was taken out or, on the occasion of a wedding, relatives of the bride or groom were given housing as a gift. Having to divide your property can be daunting.
- Common children. This is the main reason that stops a wife from getting a divorce. The phrase may apply here: “I hate my man, but I live with him, I do it for the sake of the children.” The woman is afraid that it will be difficult for the child or children without a father, and she is also worried that when a new dad appears, conflicts, misunderstandings, and psychological problems may arise for the growing baby.
- Fear of loneliness. There may be a fear that after a divorce you will not be able to arrange your personal life, so you will have to while away your life alone.
