Stages of separation: what they are, how to survive them after a breakup

What is a breakup

A breakup is the cessation of any connection between two people. Basically, it occurs when a couple does not see further ways for their development. Relationships reach a dead end, their meaning is lost. If both partners understand this, then the breakup will be less tragic.

If one of the couple decides to leave everything and leave, then the farewell process is delayed and brings unbearable pain and devastation. The abandoned person begins to look for the reasons for the separation and initially tries to return the relationship. He can recover from passion only by sequentially going through all stages of separation.

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Psychological frustration

The physiological cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones that bubbles through us during and after a breakup provokes more than just physical sensations. These substances regulate emotions and make us feel and experience.

So if you want to ask whether this mixture of pain, bitterness, hope, resentment, despair and other things can be avoided, the correct answer is no.

You can try to deny your emotions, run away from their awareness, or try to give them a different color - I’m not suffering from the loss of a loved one, I’m angry; I suffer not because I loved him, but because he turned out to be an asshole. But like the realization of other traumatic events, this too must move through the universal stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, resignation - and come to acceptance of the situation and restoration of integrity.

Possible reasons for breakups

If a couple is not destined to be together, then there are a thousand reasons for separation. However, the most common ones can be grouped into nine large groups:

Loss of trust. Groundless or justified jealousy most often destroys strong relationships. If one of the couple constantly feels deceived and abandoned, then sooner or later a break will occur.
Different plans for life together. A man and a girl cannot exist together for a long time if their goals do not intersect in any way. One partner may even stop the other from pursuing their dreams.
Emotional abuse. Vigilant control, manipulation, deprivation of voting rights, prohibitions and insults lead to the fact that one of the members of the union cannot stand it and leaves.
Frustrated expectations. Most often, girls create the image of a handsome prince, hoping that the guy will match him. But the reality is much harsher. Ladies become disappointed in young men, begin to feel dissatisfied, and criticism appears more and more often in the conversation. Under such conditions, the couple exists for some time and breaks up.
Dependencies. At the beginning of a relationship, the partner puts up with the weaknesses of the other half, hoping to improve the situation. However, in the fight against alcoholism, drug addiction or gambling addiction, addiction often emerges as the winner, which leads to a breakup.
Boredom. People can be kept together by children, shared finances, and business. But when significant objects disappear, partners realize that they no longer have common topics for conversation. Distance and boredom foreshadow separation.
Different speed of development. It is observed when one person is constantly developing and improving, while the other does not want to engage in cognitive activity. The result is different interests and priorities.
Financial difficulties. Inconsistency in spending and reproaches about a small salary do not lead to anything good.
Emotional and physical breakdown. Partners do not know how to hear and listen to each other, empathy is difficult for them. Physical intimacy no longer brings pleasure.

To maintain a relationship, lovers need to learn to understand, respect, and accept each other with all their strengths and weaknesses. If you ignore this, the beautiful union will remain in the past, and it will be replaced by a painful separation.

Why are guys trying to come back?

There are a number of reasons for this:

Nostalgia. After a long union, men are first inspired by freedom, and they enjoy it. But this period does not last long. Lack of control leads to parties and nights out, but this quickly gets boring. There comes melancholy and a feeling of the meaninglessness of one-day affairs. Moreover, after returning home, they are no longer waiting for a delicious dinner and a clean bed, to which they have become accustomed. More and more often thoughts come about how good it really was with your former passion. Often, after a breakup, men become depressed, they begin to reproach themselves for the mistakes they have made and increasingly think about returning.
Inability to find a replacement. When leaving, the guys expect to quickly find a replacement for their ex. But they subconsciously look for familiar and beloved features in a new passion. High demands and constant comparison of situations with past relationships lead to difficulties. As a result, the guys understand that it is easier to return everything back than to start from scratch.
Awareness of mistakes. Free time and aching melancholy allow you to finally see the mistakes that were made in the completed union. Now the guy focuses all his memories on good moments and idealizes the image of his beloved.
Lack of intimacy. The search for short flings also ends in failure for some. The inability to satisfy your instincts and sexual desire leads you back to your ex’s bed. And here girls should be careful. If this is the only reason for nightly appearances, then we are not talking about resuming old relationships in full. The former becomes a reserve airfield.

Stages of separation

There are six stages of separation:

Denial of what is happening.
Expression or suppression of feelings.
Bargaining or attempts to patch up relationships.
Apathy towards everything that happens.
Acceptance of the situation and humility.
A second wind or a new page in life.

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The duration of each stage is individual. The duration is influenced by the motives for breaking up and the strength of feelings, as well as how long people have been in a relationship. Usually each condition is replaced by another within a few months. The stages smoothly flow into each other, but repetitions are not excluded.

A person must completely go through all the stages in order to understand the situation, come to terms with the partner’s decision and start a new life with a pure soul.

Denial of what is happening

After a breakup, a person falls into a state of shock. He does not fully understand that the object of love will no longer come, will not call, will not say tender words, and all joint plans will remain dreams. As a result, a defensive reaction of the mind is triggered, the purpose of which is to deny what is happening. Consciousness is fenced off from reality in this way to help a person cope with the pain of loss. There are several types of denial:

The person denies that such a disaster could happen to him.
Not accepting the breakup. The lovers simply decided to give each other more freedom, so they will see each other less often.
Partial denial. A man or woman perceives a breakup as temporary difficulties in a relationship. That is, the partners did not separate, but took a break to better understand their feelings and desires. After some time they will be together again.

If the lovers understood that the breakup was inevitable, then during separation there is a lack of shock and anxiety. However, feelings also disappear. The heart should be torn with grief, anger, resentment, but it only reacts apathetically to the events taking place. At this time, a person especially needs the support of family and friends, otherwise he risks being stuck in the first stage for several months.

Expression or suppression of feelings

The second stage is no less difficult than the first. When consciousness begins to correctly perceive information about the breakup of relationships, all negative feelings break out. Anger, resentment and hatred merge into one. The individual becomes extremely irritable, throws himself at other people, and constantly loses his temper. He begins to reproach his partner for the fact that they did not succeed. At the same time, a person is inclined to blame himself for what happened.

But the injured person may not show her feelings in any way. This happens due to an internal ban on anger. However, a person must give himself permission to be aggressive because expressing feelings helps to heal. If this does not happen, then pain and resentment can haunt the individual throughout his life.

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Bargaining or trying to mend relationships

From the first two stages, the next stage logically follows, when attempts to glue the relationship take place. Emotions gradually fade away, a cold mind turns on. A person begins to analyze the situation in which he finds himself and finds out the possible reasons for the breakup. As soon as the main reason is revealed, hope immediately arises for the restoration of the love relationship. An abandoned partner invents all sorts of ways for reconciliation, looks for a meeting, hangs up the phone, tries to remember all the good things that happened in the relationship.

Fear of the future, memories of a wonderful past, hope for a renewed union - these are the main incentives that force a person to live and move on.

Apathy towards everything that happens

The most difficult stage is when an individual is indifferent to his life. The brain understands that the beloved is gone forever, there is no hope left for his return. The person realizes that it is useless to find out the reasons for the separation, who was right or wrong. Relationships are already a passed stage, but at the moment loneliness has settled in the heart.

People experience apathy differently. One may lie aimlessly on the couch for hours, another watches all the television programs. Some people prefer to look at old photographs, sort through gifts and cute little things left as souvenirs of lost love.

A person has no idea how he will live further; no one and nothing interests him. Only a psychologist can help you get out of this state. With its help, the patient will remember all the pleasant moments, be sad, cry about the past, and then move on to the next stage with renewed vigor.

Acceptance of the situation and humility

After a troubled time, a person slowly returns to life. There is an acceptance of the inevitable, although the memories have not disappeared from memory. The person begins to take an interest in everyday affairs again. Women resume communication with friends, reinstate their gym membership, remember about their makeup bag, and make an appointment with the hairdresser.

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Men also do not sit idly by, but plunge into the world of business, are interested in new products on the automobile market, play sports, and resume old hobbies.

But the person is not yet ready for a new relationship. For a long time, the fear settles in the heart that one day everything could happen again.

Second wind or a new page in life

Life is gradually getting better. New acquaintances, interests, hobbies appear. The world becomes pleasant, sunny and colorful. The individual understands that he had to go through a difficult path, but he is grateful to fate for the experience gained.

Men and women, having gone through all the stages of separation, open a new chapter of their life journey. New dreams appear, plans are made, mental strength is revived. The person completely reconciles himself with the breakup, holds no grudge against his other half, and rushes into the future with a light heart.

Women's psychology

A woman’s behavior after a breakup usually follows a standard and familiar pattern. First, she seeks privacy from everyone and cries, throwing out all the negativity through tears, then she tries to find a listener to express her pain. This approach helps to quickly cope with emotional shock and not push feelings deep into yourself. According to the average period, the experiences are most intense during the first six months, and within a year, complete recovery occurs. True, during this period a woman often manages to do many rash and controversial things: cut off her hair or stop caring for herself, lose a lot of weight or gain weight.

In most cases, if a man decides to break off a relationship, the woman begins to feel very guilty about it. Self-examination begins and self-confidence in one’s imperfections begins. In some cases, this can lead to positive results, provided that the girl directs her energy to fitness, travel and other useful activities. It is worth noting that during the first year, women rarely start new relationships, preferring to keep the image of their ex in their heads. Sometimes, new relationships still arise, but in 99% of cases the guy is similar or has a number of similar traits to his ex. Unfortunately, such a couple quickly collapses.

How do women cope with separation?

Girls in love hope to live a long and happy life with their partner.
They paint beautiful pictures of the future in their imagination, so they perceive the news of separation extremely painfully. When breaking up, all stages in a woman occur in a more pronounced form: emotions are brighter, attempts at reconciliation are more active, depression is deeper, periods last longer. Some girls become so withdrawn into themselves that the state of apathy does not leave them for several years. To make the recovery period faster and easier, psychologists recommend that a woman create a different image for herself. The new personality must be successful, independent and strong. Gradually, the girl will begin to feel more confident, her self-esteem will increase, and her emotional wounds will heal.

conclusions

We have described five generally accepted stages of breakup in women. How and why they happen is important to pay attention to. In addition, they gave some advice on how to behave after separation so that it would be less painful. The stages of separation for women after a long relationship and a fleeting one may differ and not be as pronounced. The length of some of them may be greater or less. But the overall picture is approximately the same. Knowing it, you will be able to control your behavior, paying attention to important points.

How do men cope with breakups?

Men are not used to openly expressing their feelings and emotions. But this does not mean that breaking up a relationship is easy for them. Young people take the departure of their partner to heart, because it is not only the loss of a loved one, but also a severe blow to self-esteem. Men will not shed rivers of tears, they will withdraw into themselves, and then, proudly raising their heads, will begin to accumulate unspoken resentment, pain and rage in their hearts. At some point, feelings will break out and manifest themselves in one of the forms:

excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages;
torture of the body in the gym;
careless driving, failure to comply with speed limits;
restoration of self-esteem by constantly changing partners.

Men only pretend that everything is fine with them, but deep down they feel betrayal very acutely. Abandoned young men avoid girls who want to ring them, and for a long time they do not dare to build serious relationships.

Male psychology

Despite the complete external discrepancy, in emotional terms, the psychology of guys after a breakup is no different from women’s. From the cradle, men are taught to hide tears, suppress emotions, and be calm on the outside. As a result, if you look at the days after the breakup through the eyes of a guy, they are full of silent torment, self-criticism, pain and despair. And all this crashing emotional lava is under the strictest ban on display. Closeness and inability to speak out leads to aggression, a search for adrenaline and any strong negative emotions.

The reason for aggression in men is the inability to express and cry out their feelings, so after breaking up, anger will look for a way out. Some will decide to go down a steep hill or jump with a parachute, others will find adrenaline in high speed and illegal night races, others will drown their sorrows in alcohol and run into drunken fights. If this is also spurred on by the beginning of a new union with an ex-girlfriend, then the instinct of possessiveness and the desire to increase self-esteem will make you forget through short affairs with a variety of girls.

Some advice from psychologists

A painful breakup brings a lot of grief to guys and girls. In psychology, separation is seen as a difficult life test that not everyone can overcome on their own. But there are a few tips to help improve the situation:

Understand that it will take a long time to heal a broken heart.
It is recommended to change your lifestyle, change your image.
Psychologists advise finding a hobby that will bring satisfaction. You can do things that you never got around to, for example, start running in the morning.

But the first step is to remove the object of your desire from all subscriptions on social networks. This is necessary so that the beloved is seen as little as possible and does not remind him of the past.

Don't lock yourself at home

People experiencing a breakup with their beloved soul mate are not recommended to isolate themselves from society and use an apartment instead of a dungeon.
Constantly staying within four walls will worsen your general condition and cause irreparable damage to the nervous system. A person risks being stuck in a depressive period for many months or years. Every day you need to come up with an excuse to go outside, visit shops, parks, exhibitions, theaters and cinemas. You need to strive for communication, try to be in crowded places where you can hear laughter, and smiles shine on the faces of those around you. A pleasant atmosphere will charge the abandoned person with positive emotions. His recovery will speed up.

Don't ignore your health

In a depressed state, the functioning of all organs and systems is disrupted. A man suffers from insomnia. He has a lack of appetite, and the gastrointestinal tract malfunctions. The cardiovascular system performs its functions unstable. In this state, the individual easily picks up infections, but he has no desire to fight them. Even a mild cold can be more severe than the flu.

You should listen to the body’s signals and respond to them in a timely manner, otherwise a person, in addition to mental trauma, will earn himself various complications, which will not be so easy to cope with.

See a Psychotherapist

Psychology has carefully studied the stages of separation, so experts in this field successfully conduct psychotherapy sessions that help people go through all the stages to the end. By completing the course, a person learns to correctly express all accumulated feelings, gets rid of them, and reaches a new level of his life.

If, after a breakup, a man or woman feels anger, rage or anger at the mention of their partner, then they cannot do without the help of a psychologist. You should not delay your visit to a specialist, because the longer you delay solving the problem, the harder the recovery will be.

Breakup is not the end of life, but a person realizes this fact only after going through all the stages of the breakup to the end. After recovery, he already remembers his past partner with slight sadness and does not harbor any grudges. He begins a new path in life, full of freedom, discoveries, impressions, acquaintances and relationships.

Self-therapy diary

Keeping a diary is useful during any emotional upheaval; it allows you to express all the feelings and thoughts that torment you and becomes a calm for the mind, obsessively returning to the object of former love.

To take back control of your self-assessment, use a notebook, a pen, and your mind. Write down on paper both what you are grateful for to your partner, as well as the criticism and regrets that have accumulated during the relationship. Formulate why your relationship didn’t work: you wanted different things from life, you didn’t agree on values, the relationship was painful, someone suppressed someone. Make a list of things you had to sacrifice and compromises on that you didn't want to. Write down your daily thoughts and experiences, trying to comprehend the past stage and crystallize it into experience.

It is this experience at the end of your breakup that will become a new part of your personality, your wisdom and maturity. Meaningful experiences are your wealth. Even painful experiences can benefit the individual if they are recognized and processed.

Regaining your independence and learning to rely on yourself will serve your personality well: you are complete, and you don't need another person to have value, to know what to do and who to be.

After such work on understanding your emotional experience, you will feel relief and the beginning of a new life. Research shows that people who understand the reasons for a breakup recover faster and are more satisfied with their next relationship than those who do not reflect on it.

How do men's experiences of a breakup differ from women's?

The main difference is the discrepancy between feelings and the time of their experience. At first, women suffer, and men convince themselves and others that everything is fine. Then women's grief gradually weakens, and men's grief begins to intensify. And finally, after a few months, the situation makes a 180-degree turn: the man suffers, and the woman realizes the beauty of her newfound freedom.

Another difference between the sexes is the intensity of the desire to harm a former partner. In men, this desire is usually more intense.

In general, the range of feelings in all people is approximately the same, apart from rare exceptions. The breakup of a long-term relationship is perceived very painfully by representatives of both sexes.

A man’s first-hand view of a breakup in the video:

How to forget your partner and move on with your life

Probably every person in his life has encountered separation, separation. Recovering from a breakup is very difficult. Most people have a hard time breaking up painlessly and forgetting their passion. After all, the brain will treacherously remind you of happy moments and pleasant meetings. Still, you will have to live on, so it is worth emphasizing the main points:

Respect each other, no matter how difficult it may seem. Despite the great desire to say a harsh or unpleasant phrase, try to remain silent, be above it. Passions will subside and you will feel ashamed.
Return or give away things that connect you to the past.
Delete numbers, social network accounts, unsubscribe from everywhere and don’t even think about following them. Accept your ex's new life and also accept your new life.
Keep your distance. Realize the fact that you are no longer together, so avoid meeting.
Don't have empty hopes for a reunion. Everything in this world is not eternal, everything ends.