- September 16, 2018
- Psychology of thinking
- Rosalia Rison
“I’ll start a new life on Monday!” – how often have you heard this phrase from others? How many times have you said this to yourself? This is one of the most common promises that are usually not kept. And why do things start on Monday? Why choose this particular day? Let's figure out how to really start taking action and not put off what we planned until later.
What things do we put off?
Remember how many times you promised yourself to start losing weight, read a book, do a project, prepare for exams, join a gym, wash the windows in your apartment? And every week you make at least 10 such vows. How many tasks have you shifted to the poor first day of the week?
If you are constantly planning to start everything new on Monday, this article will be very useful for you.
Mistake 2. Emotions are everything!
Most people decide to make changes in the heat of emotion, most often negative. For example, a saleswoman in a store said that “they don’t make such dresses in your size,” and you make a firm promise to yourself that starting tomorrow you will go on a strict diet, join a fitness club and walk three stops every day.
And the next day the emotions subside and you, sitting comfortably over coffee and cake, think: do I need this? And this is quite understandable: after all, apart from the negativity from the conversation with the seller, there is simply nothing to fuel your decision.
Advice:
Don’t make a promise to yourself in the heat of the moment – wait until your emotions cool down. And remember: it’s still better to start a new life on the positive, and not on the negative.
The problem is within us
Try to remember what you feel in your soul when you put off important things? Internal resistance, right? Why does this happen in principle? Because of laziness or poor time management? Or are you a fan of making excuses? Something like “it’s late, I’ll start cleaning tomorrow” or “I don’t seem to have gained much weight, I’ll go to the gym later.” However, for some reason you immediately think differently when you take out your favorite jeans from the top shelf, and they don’t fit you. Why is this happening?
Mistake 4. We won’t stand behind the price!
Some people rush into a new life headlong, intending to make changes, as they say, “at any cost.” And even if it harms your health, quarrels with loved ones, hits your career - it doesn’t matter! Then all this can be justified as a “good goal.”
Advice:
Remember the main thing: the goal of any change is to make life better. Therefore, calculate the “price” so that you do not have to pay much more for changes than they will ultimately give you. Overdoing it in this case can be worse than letting things slide.
Why is self-criticism harmful?
Self-criticism is not always good. After all, it often leads us to the fact that a person, even changing in a positive direction, still remains dissatisfied with himself. This creates a reluctance to go in the direction of self-improvement, as well as long deliberations before starting a business.
Changes will only happen if you stop convincing yourself of your own inadequacy. Stop paying attention to the shortcomings. Look only for the good in yourself.
Mistake 5. Fear of change
Each of us contains a conservative and an innovator, but in different proportions. A conservative is accustomed to the old life, everything suits him and he does not need changes. An innovator strives forward and craves change. Therefore, when the innovator within us suddenly “seizes power” and begins to implement his plan, internal conflict arises. And it is not at all a fact that the innovator will emerge victorious in this conflict.
Advice:
You should not be afraid of change - in a sense, it is inevitable. And the greatest success is always achieved by those who not only are not afraid of change, but go towards it!
How to deal with internal struggle?
In what ways can you regain your inner strength? Let's look at some recommendations.
- Let's do an experiment: put an elastic band on your hand and don't take it off for a week. As soon as you notice negative thoughts towards yourself, pull back and release the elastic band to feel the pain. Believe me, after 7 days you won’t recognize yourself. Self-flagellation will become much less. Continue developing in the same direction. Only without the elastic band. Develop self-control.
- Everyone can blame themselves for their shortcomings. But not everyone has a clue about their cause. It is necessary to conduct an internal dialogue with yourself. Ask yourself a question and answer it honestly: “Why can’t I achieve what I want?” You may receive an explanation for your behavior. Maybe you are asking too much of yourself. Or maybe you are giving too little time to change yourself.
- Start with small steps. Everything happens gradually. If you want to lose weight, you don’t need to promise yourself to start a new life on Monday. Start small: every day, give up one harmful favorite product and introduce something healthy into your diet. It’s better not to exclude certain foods, but simply reduce their quantity. If this is the third time you’ve said that you’ll start the week with a run on Monday, we recommend starting with a daily ten-minute run. Let your body get used to the stress, and your mind get used to the new habit.
- Figure out what pushes you towards change. What if this is an imposed desire? Then the reason why you put off doing something for so long is very clear. Who wants to lose weight if it’s not the girl herself who wants it, but her boyfriend? This is where inner monologue comes in handy again. Ask yourself: “Do I want these changes myself?” If the answer is yes, then you should move towards your dreams by all means. If you don’t want to change, someone or something is forcing you, then you shouldn’t follow the lead. Be yourself, remain an individual and do not lose your uniqueness. Love yourself.
These tips will help you overcome yourself and overcome internal resistance.
Preparation
Before you start Hell Week, you need to prepare. Preparing for Hell Week will help you understand what exactly you want to change and get ready for change. Larssen identified four stages of preparation.
Assessing your own life
Ask yourself questions and write down the answers. The more questions, the better. They can be strange, funny, complex. If you can’t think of questions on your own, look in any big interview or here:
- Have I achieved the goals I set before?
- What will happen if I die now?
- What will I regret?
- Am I satisfied with my life?
- What doesn't suit me about it?
- What can be done to fix this?
- Do I like myself as a person, as a family member, colleague, neighbor?
Identifying Weaknesses
People are biased towards themselves, so it is better to ask colleagues, relatives, neighbors and clients about shortcomings. You may be unpleasantly surprised by the answers of others: your loved ones will say that you are hot-tempered. Colleagues will mention your dictatorial ways, and clients will accuse you of arrogance.
Don't be offended by criticism. It will help identify areas that require change.
Setting up a healthy lifestyle
Physical activity and diet are mandatory components of the week. You need to exercise daily, for at least an hour. You need to choose a time for this in your usual schedule.
Statement of purpose
Think about what your purpose is, what you want to achieve, and how you can change your relationships with others. If you can’t formulate a goal, try identifying several tasks for the next month or year. Goals and objectives should be clear and inspiring. Like this:
Preparation for Hell Week can take 1-4 weeks. Everything depends on you. When you decide you're ready to take action, don't take time off or change your schedule. Continue doing the same things as before: going to work, playing with the children, walking the dog, washing the dishes. Build changes into your usual plan.
When you feel ready, get started.
Top 15 Most Unfulfilled Promises
We invite you to consider a list that contains the most popular promises starting with “I’ll start on Monday.”
- Start losing weight.
- Go to the gym.
- Start writing a coursework/thesis.
- Quit smoking.
- Stop drinking alcohol in large quantities.
- Stop being late.
- Distribute debts.
- Go to a new job.
- Start saving money.
- Call your family more often.
- Start reading books.
- Learn a foreign language.
- Learn to go to bed on time.
- Hang out less on social networks.
- Stop eating fast food.
How many items on this list match your desires? If the number exceeds 5, then immediately start realizing your “dreams”.
You will achieve success in any business you want if you figure out what your behavioral mistakes are.
Start a new life: from Monday, from the beginning of the month... What's stopping us?
It is customary to start all great things on Monday, change your life in the New Year and lead a healthy lifestyle after the milestone of 30 (40, 50, etc.) years. But a rare case ends with the real translation of high-flown words into action.
On Monday, we stubbornly ignore the alarm clock until the critical moment and, of course, we don’t go to any gym. And in the evening we sit until a stern security guard arrives, kindly asking if it’s time for us to leave the premises, and we sadly realize that with such a schedule there is absolutely no time to learn English. On the second of January we find ourselves still in the same cramped apartment with a TV remote control instead of a book in our hands, and on the 10th we go back to the old hated job. We celebrate the anniversary with a high-calorie “Napoleon” with an unusually tasty cigarette in our teeth.
Either promises are not so important, or our willpower is weak, or there is an immutable universal order, which is useless to resist. What is happening and how to keep your word to yourself with a clear conscience?
Inga Makarova, psychologist, gestalt consultant:
“It’s not enough to leave your native path, you need to pave a new path”
Each of us grows up and lives in a certain system of values and concepts, dictated by our upbringing and environment. First, we get to know what the world around us is like and how we ourselves work. Then we live in an already established coordinate system and with our own ideas about what we can do. These are rails that are certainly comfortable and familiar to travel on - simple, predictable and safe. To really start changing yourself, it’s not enough to leave your native path, you also need to pave a new path, choosing its direction and understanding: it will be something different, something new, and it’s not a fact that it will turn out to be exactly what we want I wanted it that way. This is the risk of losing what is valuable to us today, without the guarantee of a bright future tomorrow.
Changing yourself is nothing more than leaving your comfort zone, beyond which you really don’t want to dig out. However, the healthy desire to be and live better does not leave us, and the idea of changing “tomorrow” warms the soul, instilling faith that the best is already very close and just “until the time has come.”
The reasons for such “breakfasts” are varied. We may be physically exhausted and unable to wake up an hour earlier every morning to go for a run. We may consciously or unconsciously make choices in favor of our current comfort zone. We may be under the rule of fear and anxiety that we will not actually succeed, which fetters our consciousness and prevents us from taking risks. Or we deliberately do not take responsibility for our lives and decision-making. It's much easier to go with the flow. Facing these reasons for self-deception face to face is not always pleasant, and often impossible without professional support.
Understanding a clear motivation, that is, awareness of the goal we are striving for and its value for us, can help us keep our word to ourselves. And also the willingness to take responsibility for the decisions that shape our lives.
Yulia Lapina, clinical psychologist:
“Beautiful dates help draw the line between old and new life”
Why is it difficult for us to change ourselves today, and we put off this idea until the next day, week or year? Each person has a lot of internal reasons for answering such a question, but the most important thing, in my opinion, is the lack of real motivation.
What do we promise ourselves most often? Change your appearance? Your habits? Find a job you like? But we have before our eyes many examples where people simply have to lose weight because excess weight threatens their health; change jobs because a child appears in the family; quit smoking because going to the doctor seriously scared you, etc., and all this happens without promising yourself a new life from tomorrow.
Of course, beautiful dates - birthday, New Year, the first of the month, Monday - seem to help draw the line between the old and new life, but in fact, the only thing that can make us change is a serious motive.
When making a decision to change something, we get the feeling that we are already taking concrete steps to implement our plans. Moreover, such a “decision” gives us a reason to praise ourselves: “I’ll eat this cake now, because starting tomorrow I’m going on a diet.” And this “tomorrow” can be repeated every day precisely because such promises to oneself are enough to superficially solve the problem, which most often hides serious dissatisfaction with oneself.
Such promises to oneself and their subsequent failure to fulfill them drive a person into a vicious circle of even greater dislike for himself today: “Not only am I fat, I’m also weak-willed, well, that’s okay, as of Monday...”. But if you ask yourself why I need these changes, there is not always an answer that will give you the strength to limit yourself in something, change your lifestyle and resist your habits.
If you notice that you are increasingly promising yourself a new life starting Monday, take a piece of paper and write down at least five reasons why you need this “new life”. Perhaps you will find a strong motive for change now, and at the same time the strength to take such a courageous step. And you will probably see that your life today, with its habits and small weaknesses, also gives you pleasure.
Natalya Kundryukova, Gestalt therapist, psychotrainer:
“If you feel bliss while lying on the sofa, lie down”
More often than not, the Big Promises that we put into the form of goals and objectives do not correspond to our true needs at the moment. Do you promise yourself to lose weight, start renovations, learn how to cut with a jigsaw? You calmly plan and write in your diary: “January 2. 10.00. Exercise, jogging.” Wait. Listen to yourself: is this really what you want?
Remember: if you feel hungry, you don't promise yourself that you'll come to the table in 2013, right? When your stomach is rumbling, there is no time to make plans; you should eat quickly - this is what our true needs look like. Either we satisfy them, or...
All other ideas overheard in society, imposed by parents, may be good, but have no relation to the real you. By trying to meet other people's expectations, you doom yourself to dissatisfaction, anxiety, and shame for an unfulfilled promise.
What to do? Listen to yourself, learn to feel and trust your body. If you can’t sit still, you want to dance so much, join a circle. If you feel bliss while lying on the sofa, lie down. This is much more honest with yourself and filled with truly your life meaning.
TOP 10 most unrealistic promises
- Go on a diet
- Start visiting a fitness club
- Quit smoking
- Stop being late
- Give away debts and no longer borrow
- Call your mother (grandmother and other relatives) more often
- Change job
- Learn a foreign language
- Start traveling
- Go to bed on time
Maria Karpovich, consulting psychologist:
"Five principles of the struggle for a new life"
In my practice, very often people come to appointments who cannot get out of the circle of endless promises to “start a new life.” It is clear that the answer seems simple - we need to stop deceiving ourselves and pull ourselves together, but, as it turns out, our willpower is many times weaker than our laziness, so I explain to my clients five basic principles of the struggle for a “new life”.
Principle #1: Small steps
Start with small and achievable promises. If we are talking about a diet, then you should first set yourself the task of giving up dessert for dinner twice a week, then having a kefir day every two weeks, etc. If you succeed, you can reward yourself by buying new beautiful things or going to your favorite cafe. Solving such “modest” tasks gives the feeling that we are moving towards the intended goal, there are fewer reasons for failure. It is also important that such gradualism develops in us a habit that lasts for a long time.
Principle No. 2. Help from a friend
For example, you decide to learn a foreign language - take a few friends with you to the courses! Firstly, you will feel somewhat responsible to your friends, and secondly, there will be a competitive effect - which of you will achieve success in your studies faster. The same can be done if you decide to join a sports club, take cooking classes, or go to a round-the-world regatta.
Advertising
Principle No. 3. Changing the environment
Change your environment so that everything around you helps you keep your promise and truly start a new life. One of my clients could not force herself to go to bed on time - she was constantly “hanging out” on the Internet at home, despite the fact that she could freely use it at work. Every morning, painfully trying to wake up, she promised herself that today she would definitely go to bed earlier. But everything was repeated again and again, until one day some problems occurred on the line, and she was left without the Network for several days. When the problems were fixed, she turned off the Internet herself, realizing that this was the only way to keep her promise to herself.
Principle #4: Make your intentions public.
The development of social networks also helps create additional motivation. For example, one of my clients promised himself to call his grandmother at least twice a week, but in the hustle and bustle he constantly forgot about it. Then he wrote on his blog: “Friends! I undertake to publish dialogues from my conversations with Grandma Nina on my blog every Tuesday and Thursday!” In this way, he was not only able to keep his promise, but also entertained his friends with funny stories.
Principle No. 5. Don't be afraid of failures
Anyone who fails to keep their promises to themselves tends to blame themselves for it. However, everyone who has achieved success claims that they were prepared for periodic failures. You need to not be disappointed or give up, but just get back to your plan as quickly as possible.
Those who, for example, quit smoking, sometimes return to the bad habit during periods of stress. The main thing is to find positive aspects of such a return (“I already smoke only 2 cigarettes a day, not two packs”) and not give in to provocative thoughts (“Oh, well, if nothing works out, then I won’t take it up at all”). You need to return to the first stage again - “small steps” and try to smoke not 2 a day, but one, etc.
PS
Do you have a cherished dream to change your life for the better? Today is a new day, we can start!
Why doesn't anything work out?
There are at least 3 behavioral mistakes that cause people to put off important things until later. Let's take them apart to eradicate them.
- Remember how you behave when you come up with some new promise? You probably tell all your friends, relatives, colleagues and acquaintances on social networks about this. It would seem that there is something bad in this? Indeed, on the contrary, when many people find out about your intentions, it will be more difficult for you to abandon them. But psychologists have proven that in this way you become scattered and waste all your inner strength. Instead of starting to implement everything you have planned, you simply announce your intentions.
- Many people come to the realization that they urgently need to change everything, precisely on emotions. When a person “cools down” and is already in a state in which he is less susceptible to stress, all desire to improve himself disappears.
- How many times before you set out to create a brighter future have you told yourself “this is the last time”? The last piece of cake, the last hamburger, the last serving of salad dressed with mayonnaise, the last day without work or fitness - these are all excuses. There is no need to endure what you so desire. Stop feeding yourself breakfast. Start today! After a while you will feel that this is exactly what you were missing.
Surely one of the above mistakes is present in your life. This prevents you from starting to make your dreams come true right now.
Mistake 3. One more time!
People who are planning changes in their lives often put them off until tomorrow, reassuring themselves: just one more time - and that’s it! Another cigarette, another cake, another day without running or fitness... Of course, the matter is not limited to one time - a new day comes and with it a new “one more time”.
Advice:
The word “never” is scary. It is very difficult to imagine that in your life there will never be coffee with a cigarette, delicious candy or salad with mayonnaise. This is where all this “one more time” comes from. Therefore, do not frighten yourself beyond measure with this terrible word. Don't say "never" - say "just one month." And then it will be clear whether you need this coffee with a cigarette and sweets or not.
By the way, the 72-hour rule works great here, which says: if you decide to bring an idea to life, you need to start within the next 72 hours. After this time, the chances of successful implementation are reduced by 100 times.
Tips for beginners
If you are about to start a new life, but do not know how to get started, read the following recommendations.
- Psychologists advise talking specifically about the results. Agree, it is much more pleasant to talk about what you have already achieved. Compare: “I will start running on Monday” and “This is the third Monday that I get up at 7 am and go for a run.”
- Stressed people are advised not to make decisions while under the influence of emotions. In such a state, you can promise a lot. But as soon as you calm down and come to your senses, you are unlikely to want to implement anything.
- Of course, the word “never” is scary. How can a person live without sweets, junk food, laziness and other bad habits? Try to eradicate all this in yourself gradually. Allow yourself to eat your favorite cake once every two weeks, sometimes be lazy and rest a little more than you should. Don't put your body into a state of stress. Move forward slowly without giving up habits outright.
These tips will help you take action and not put off important things until Monday.
About the comfort zone
To make serious changes, you need to get out of your comfort zone. You probably remembered the joke: “To get out of your comfort zone, you must first enter it.” This is funny because we initially interpret the concept incorrectly.
You do what you love, but would like a higher salary. You have a high salary, but you don’t like your place of work. These conditions seem to be uncomfortable. In fact, this is the real comfort. You are used to living like this and suffering. Everything that is familiar is comfortable: you always know what to expect from the next day.
A few get tired of this situation, and they make the second mistake regarding the comfort zone - they quit their jobs and go to Tibet, Cambodia, Laos for several months. The problem is that this is only an apparent change. You did not leave your comfort zone, but temporarily moved to another reality. When the journey is over, you will return to what you were running from.
