My husband left for someone else: reasons for the breakup, decent behavior, reviews from women and advice from psychologists

• October 12, 2018
• Psychology of relationships
• Ulyana Orekhova

The departure of a spouse to his mistress is regarded by many women as a betrayal, but knowledge of male psychology allows us to interpret the situation from several points of view. Choosing the right tactics of behavior and analyzing the mistakes made during marriage will help a woman understand the circumstances of the breakup and prevent a situation in which normal communication with her ex-lover becomes impossible.

Why did this happen

Psychologists consider the main reason that the husband left for another woman to be the wife’s inability to manage herself after the end of the stage of falling in love. After one or two years of living together, most women dissolve their personality and their own interests in the needs of their spouse, replacing the natural desire to please the chosen one with a state of excessive care. This line of behavior leads to the fact that the husband ceases to perceive his partner as a source of emotional nourishment and involuntarily begins to look for this resource on the side.

Against the background of this factor or in addition to it, such provocateurs of rupture arise in married life as:

• decreased sexual activity of the spouse - direct or indirect avoidance of intimate relationships;
• establishing total control over the husband and the desire to limit his circle of contacts;
• inattention to the husband’s affairs, lack of interest in events occurring in his life outside the home;
• the wife’s constant nagging, eternal dissatisfaction with his actions and imputation of guilt to the spouse for various reasons;
• a woman’s humiliation of her own merits, melancholy;
• regularly making personal insults towards a partner and people close to him;
• a woman’s loss of beauty due to her lack of attention to herself;
• polygamy of the spouse (which is characterized by uncontrolled flirting on his part towards many female representatives and periodic short novels).

Even if the husband left for another woman without any explanation, this never means the action was spontaneous. Negativity has been accumulating in the family for a long time, forcing a man from time to time to seek understanding in the arms of his mistress, and the fact that one day he makes an irrevocable decision is the result of the persistent destructive work of both partners.

Is there a chance to get away from a breakup?

My husband left for someone else. How to return an unlucky traitor?

A man is much better than a woman at hiding his dissatisfaction and avoiding direct dialogue that could resolve the problem in its very inception. In most cases, the spouse is confident that the marriage is stable until the moment the man stops hiding the fact that he has a double life or it is discovered by chance. In half of all such situations, the man prefers to retreat to where he has found solace lately - to his mistress.

In what situations, having learned about the betrayal and being faced with the fact that the husband has gone to live with another, can the ex-wife hope to renew the relationship? This behavior of her lover in the last hours of his stay at home will tell a woman about the possibility of maintaining the union, despite an obvious threat:

• before leaving, the man explains his action at length and emotionally;
• the man’s speech contains profanity, he clearly loses control of himself;
• the husband collects his things for a long time, rushes around the house, and after he leaves it turns out that he left many items of clothing he needed;
• the spouse's escape from the house is accompanied by a loud slamming of the door.

Conversely, external calm, literary phrases justifying his actions, leisurely movements and careful preparations will indicate that the partner has left for another, having carefully weighed his decision and fully accepted it as the only correct one. A woman has very little chance of reviving her marriage after such a farewell.

Learning from other people's mistakes: stories of women whose husbands left them

“Six months ago, my husband left me for his mistress. Left me with two boys (8 years old and 3 years old). We lived together for 12 years, and he crossed everything out at once. He said that he found another woman when I just gave birth to my second child. I was shocked - it turns out that their relationship lasted about 3 years, and I was in the dark, raising our children. My husband left the family one day - he simply packed his things, said goodbye and closed the door behind him.

The betrayal of my spouse was a real stab in the back. But I continue to love him, I cannot live without him. I asked my husband to come back. For the first couple of months, she called him and wrote SMS without stopping. I did everything I could - I argued, begged, and threatened to forbid him to see the children. She asked her mother-in-law to “put pressure” on him. She even talked to her husband’s mistress and appealed to her conscience. It didn’t look much like a calm conversation - I was simply yelling and threatening the homewrecker. My husband cut himself off from everyone in his new family and stopped answering my calls. I started seeing my children while I was at work. And he generally avoids any contact with me.

Recently my husband said that I was not letting him live and was turning the children against him. In general, now he is going to leave for another city. Is it really impossible to bring your husband home from his mistress? I can’t live without him.”

— Elena, 30 years old

Whether a husband will leave for his mistress forever depends largely on the behavior of his wife.

One of the most popular methods that women use to get a man back is to actually hunt him. There are endless calls and scandals. According to psychologists, such tactics do not work. The ex-wife's obsessive behavior, bordering on aggression, only unbalances him. The pursuit will be successful only if the man left for his mistress due to lack of attention from his wife.

A man will appreciate constant reminders of himself in the form of “random” meetings and status updates on social networks only if he still has warm feelings for the woman. And when there are no longer any emotions, he may simply not pay attention to your efforts.

When sorting out personal relationships, few people think about children. But things don’t get any easier for them—with their parents’ divorce, their idea of ​​a safe home collapses. Therefore, a woman should definitely abandon the manipulation tactics when the cheater is forbidden to meet with children unless he returns to the family. But even if he accepts your conditions, this can hardly be called a victory - the husband will return not for the sake of love, but only for the good of the children.

Another frequently used way to get your husband back is to connect your family and friends to a personal problem. The situation resembles a real conspiracy. But a man in love, if he is truly carried away by another woman, will not listen to anyone’s arguments and persuasion. This could threaten a complete breakdown of his relationships with relatives and mutual friends. [3]

“My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have a beautiful girl growing up, she is 5 years old. We went through a lot together - a lack of money, unsuccessful attempts to have children, and a crisis after the birth of our long-awaited daughter. And we have achieved a lot - we have a big house, everyone has a good job, many friends, travel at least once a year.

I have always been confident in my husband. I felt that he would never let me down. But everything has changed. As I later found out, my husband had an office romance. To be honest, I didn’t even know about his mistress - he somehow managed to hide her endless calls and meetings in rented apartments.

A year ago he confessed everything to me - he’s been cheating for 2 years now. He said that he could no longer hide his betrayal and did not know what to do next. We had a difficult conversation. I couldn’t forgive him, I suggested breaking up. As a result, the husband went to live with his mistress, who was waiting for him.

I tried to endure the breakup with confidence, because I have a child - you can’t become limp. Although I was choked with anger, I peacefully talked with my husband about divorce and division of property. I was not against him seeing my daughter, since they are very attached to each other. And for the sake of the child’s peace of mind, I was ready to do anything. I didn’t try to push my mistress away from her husband, I tried not to think about their relationship at all. And I asked mutual friends not to “gossip” about them in front of me.

Six months later, life somehow settled down. I worked, talked with friends. I didn’t try to build new relationships because I realized that I wasn’t ready yet. Recently, at a mutual friend’s birthday party, I met my ex-husband. We talked and it turned out that he had not been living with his mistress for several months. He said that she was “different, not like me,” and that didn’t suit him at all. He asked if I could forgive him. I gave him one more chance. Now we live together again and are trying to restore the old relationship. It’s hard for both me and him. But we try because we love each other.”

— Olga, 35 years old

Divorce is a difficult experience for both partners. And it is very important to pull yourself together and come to a common denominator together. How to divide property? How many times a week do you see your children? Without stooping to shouting and reproaches, it is quite possible to maintain a friendly relationship with your husband. And if he later realizes that he left for the “wrong” one, you can try to “resurrect” the marriage.

A woman who is ready to forgive her husband will have to reconsider her attitude towards family life. Only by fully accepting the situation can you truly forgive betrayal, without constantly remembering hidden grievances in quarrels. You have to live with the knowledge that a man once betrayed you. [3]

How to save a marriage during a crisis

Psychologists attribute particular danger to the period of a man’s 40-45th birthday. At this age, representatives of the stronger sex begin to take stock of life, and the need for self-affirmation comes first among their psychological needs. This opportunity is most easily achieved through a strong moral shock, supported by physiological sexual stimulation. Some men who have not found support in the family seek solace in alcohol, but the majority prefer to increase their own self-esteem through love relationships on the side.

A wife who is sensitive to changes in her husband’s behavior and mood will correctly guess the onset of a turning point and will be able to react to the changes before she is faced with the fact that her beloved has left for someone else. However, if an accident has already occurred, a woman should not panic. Below are just a few episodes that make it very likely that your old relationship will be restored:

• registered marriage 10 years or more;
• the family has children of preschool or primary school age;
• spouses are united by jointly acquired property;
• the sexual life of the husband and wife was not interrupted for a long time and was not a means of encouragement or blackmail on the part of one of the spouses;
• the marriage for many years was based on common goals;
• the family traveled a lot, often received guests and was a socially significant link in public life.

The longer the marriage lasted, the stronger the bonds that bind the couple. Everyday communication, family life and common problems over the course of many years form partnerships between spouses, which gradually push aside acute sexual interest in the scale of importance. If the husband and wife continue to experience intimate attraction to each other and try to diversify routine sex, the likelihood of betrayal on the part of the man becomes very low.

Why do husbands leave the family?

“All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” These words of L. Tolstoy very accurately characterize the complexity of the relationship between two people. Without a painstakingly collected “history”, it is difficult to identify the reason that prompts a particular man to pack his things and leave (no matter - to his mistress or “to nowhere”). One thing is clear - this is a consequence of unresolved conflicts in the family. When problems accumulate like a snowball, without achieving a positive outcome.

Of course, a complete break in relationships is a fairly radical way out of a family crisis. But not every person can boast of a “reserve” of patience and wisdom, which are so necessary to solve problems in relationships. If the words “I’m leaving” sounded like a bolt from the blue to you, not only the very moment of a crisis situation in the family, but also the point of no return has been missed.

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Let's figure out why a man cheats and, as a result, leaves his family for his mistress?

1. A man's psychological unpreparedness to be a husband

Marriage is a great responsibility for each partner. Some men, due to their character or the attitudes they learned from childhood, are not psychologically ready to bear this “burden” - taking care of loved ones, solving routine problems. And it's not always about age. Even fully mature men are not ready for marriage. They only need freedom without responsibility for children and relationships. [1]

An affair “on the side” does not burden you and gives you a storm of positive emotions. But most likely, even if he leaves for his mistress, a psychologically immature man will not find happiness. History will repeat itself - he will leave the new woman as soon as she begins to encroach on his freedom.

1. Communication is completely negative

When the “weather in the house” is continuous thunderstorms and downpours, a man will look for a person with whom he feels calm and comfortable. And his mistress may well become his best friend, who will listen and support.

Perhaps the husband will want to leave the family forever if not everything is going well at home and he cannot restore peace in his relationship with his wife.

1. Different life values

Before marriage, you thought that “love will survive all obstacles.” But it is important to take into account one more point - the life values ​​of each partner. This is one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome on the path to family happiness.

Incompatibility of goals can manifest itself in everything: in the desire or unwillingness to have children, in the choice of housing, in a suitable standard of living.

If compromises regarding basic life goals are not found before marriage, family relationships will face serious challenges. A man can find the woman with whom he is “on the same path”, who initially shares his life values.

1. Family routine

Some men consider the stability and regularity of family life to be a disadvantage. Not everyone can meekly “pull the burden” of monotonous family relationships. Some people like bright emotions, relationships filled with adrenaline and passion. A man begins to cheat, or maybe even leave his wife for a new partner in search of thrills.

According to psychologists, it is family routine that often becomes the cause of divorce during one of the crisis periods that all marriages go through (1 year, 3 years, 7 years, 15 years and more than 20 years together). Instead of overcoming relationship difficulties with his wife, the man prefers a simpler solution to the problem - leaving. Perhaps he does not understand that even with his mistress he will very soon become “bored” and face everyday difficulties. [2]

1. "Clan" conflicts

Psychologist L. Ermakova in her book “Overcoming Divorces” identifies another possible reason for a husband’s leaving the family - difficult relationships with relatives (her own or a partner’s). Sometimes serious struggles unfold on the basis of “clan” conflicts. Not everyone is able to be more flexible in their relationships with relatives, hence the numerous problems in the family, which sometimes you want to escape from. [2]

1. Disappointment in each other

Partners change in marriage. Before the wedding, it seems that the loved one is ideal, but life makes its own adjustments - both the husband and wife show their true character traits, and all their shortcomings and bad habits begin to emerge. Against this background, the saddest outcome is possible - complete disappointment in each other.

What changes in a wife might a husband not accept? Coldness and aloofness in relationships, unkempt appearance, attempts to dominate, excessive care. Every problem can be solved, but sometimes there is no strength or desire to get out of the crisis that has arisen. When a man realizes that he is not living with “the” woman he once knew, he can make a radical decision - to leave.

To divorce or not

When a husband leaves the family for another woman, the topic of divorce may not arise immediately, but if it is important for the wife to keep the stamp in her passport, she should not allow a situation in which the traitor is the first to raise the issue of divorce. For a man, the intention to officially divorce is tantamount to the decision to create a new unit of society, and only one representative of the stronger sex out of twenty is ready to take such a step immediately after breaking up an old relationship.

By the time the ex-spouse is mentally mature enough to talk about divorce, it is almost impossible to return him to the family. An abandoned woman needs to come to terms with the irrevocability of her former situation and release the fugitive with dignity. It would be a big mistake on her part to keep the “legitimate husband” by blackmail or threats; this will only further alienate the man and convince him of the correctness of his actions.

On the other hand, running away from home at a time of strong emotional stress in a man is often accompanied by remorse and a desire to reconcile with his abandoned wife, but a sense of pride prevents him from admitting a mistake. To break the precariousness of his position, he will seek a meeting with his ex-wife and provoke verbal confrontations. The word “divorce” may be mentioned repeatedly in such verbal exchanges, but will never express a direct intention.

A woman, even if she is greatly offended by the betrayal of a loved one, should not reject attempts to establish contact and be the first to talk about divorce. There are often cases when the fact that the husband left for another, but soon after that he returned, helps the couple unite more tightly and better understand their mistakes.

A real colonel

- Girl, are you feeling bad? - the same guy asked again. Or a completely different man?

I opened my eyes and tried to focus my vision - the janitor Petrovich was standing above me, bending low. I saw a dry blade of grass in his gray beard. Petrovich smelled of street exhaust fumes and cheap cigarettes.

“And I see a girl on the roof.” I thought I was imagining things... What were you thinking?

Petrovich wrapped me like a child in his worn jacket, and then clumsily stroked my hair. I burst into tears as if the Apocalypse had arrived. Sobbing...

“Well, that’s good,” said Petrovich. - Well, fine.

I smiled through my tears:

- You look like Carlson.

Petrovich, of course, was surprised, but delicately remained silent.

He was thin, stooped, with bright cornflower blue eyes on a tanned face and early gray streaks in his black hair.

Petrovich turned out to be a “real colonel”: he visited the hot spots of the country, returned home, divorced his wife due to adultery on the part of his wife, left her and his daughter an apartment and, in order to get new housing, got a job as a janitor.

Petrovich said that the black color ages me, that “if there were bones, but the meat would grow,” that my little son was very similar to me, and also that my eyes were very beautiful—cow’s.

Time passed, and Petrovich and I became friends. He never remembered about the incident on the roof, and I didn’t even remember that. It turned out that Petrovich and I share one love - love... for cartoons! To our domestic, kind and naive cartoons. The three of us - me, Petrovich and my little son - re-watched “about the parrot Kesha”, “a boy named Mowgli”, “the crocodile Gena and Cheburashka”, and of course - “about Carlson”.

And when Petrovich found out that I was writing poetry, he demanded in a commanding voice:

- Come on, read something...

I read the poem “Two Porcelain Cups” to Petrovich:

We are having an evening conversation... You like tea with raspberry jam; How lonely the courtyard is in the sunset light - As if the world has been since the day of its creation!

You drink from a saucer, and there is a chip on the saucer, And the tart aroma of tea, like autumn, Drops the garden onto the lame table With a dull thud, ripe ranetkas.

It got colder... The conversation is over... The fallen apples have the smell of ripe mash, And on the table, a reproach to oblivion, Two porcelain cups remained.

He was silent for a while, then asked “give me more,” then “more.” I read poetry to Petrovich, and he listened and nodded his head thoughtfully...

- Listen, you are talented! Don't quit, do you hear? Write!

And as he left he added:

“I’m much older than you... I don’t promise to make you laugh, but I can cry with you.”

I said that this was the first time this had been offered to me, and promised to think about it.

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Is it necessary to revive the relationship?

According to statistics, more than 70% of men who leave their family are already disappointed in their choice within the first year after the breakup and strive to establish communication with their former halves. A woman who was once abandoned is faced with a choice based on the limit of trust that she is ready to allocate to the traitor, as well as on her personal attitude towards her husband’s act.

If, through reflection, when left alone, a woman realized that her behavior also contributed to the collapse of the relationship, and at the same time she is ready to work on her mistakes in the future, then it makes sense to forgive the unlucky spouse and start all over again. But it happens that the ex-wife is not ready to admit her partial guilt in the fact that her husband left for another, or cannot forgive the baseness of his act. Then she needs to make it clear to her husband that she is open to friendly communication, but without the goal of renewing family ties.

My husband left for someone else. What to do?

The thought that her husband preferred another girl often drives a woman into a lot of complexes associated with her imaginary physical and psychological inadequacy. If the ex-wife had low self-esteem before the breakup of the family, then common mistakes in finding a way out of the situation may be alcohol oblivion or spontaneous sexual relationships. Women with a high assessment of their personality run the risk of becoming convinced of the depravity of all the men around them and thereby deliberately closing themselves off from future relationships.

In order not to lose sobriety during the period of awareness of betrayal, psychologists advise to temporarily let go of the situation and not try to correct it immediately, especially since such efforts immediately after the husband left for another are initially doomed to failure.

An approximate algorithm of actions that allows an abandoned wife to take the course of events into her own hands looks like this:

1. Expression of emotions at a moment of acute experience of loneliness - this can be the destruction of photographs, letters, or even the personal belongings of the traitor left in the house.
2. Completely cutting off your personality from the betrayed person - stopping communication, avoiding meetings with him and with mutual acquaintances who lack the tact to remain silent about a family tragedy.
3. Drawing up a daily list of activities at work and at home to eliminate idleness in any form.
4. Making a number of pleasant changes in your life - this could be a long-awaited renovation in your apartment, a trip to unfamiliar places, an exciting hobby.

Only after these four steps and obtaining the required result (moral peace of mind and self-confidence) can a woman allow herself to rethink what happened and decide how to live next.

I'm ready to communicate

I went through a period of emotional emptiness inside.
I am already so exhausted by all the experiences, emotions and events that I don’t even have the strength to think about the future. Everything burned out, like ash in a furnace. Not coals, where you throw wood, and the fire starts to flare up again, but precisely ash. Waste material. Everything has burned out and calmed down, but I still don’t have the strength to go for new firewood and new emotions. But now I can communicate with my head, not my heart. And I think this is the right time. We have exhausted each other so much that all that remains is to decide how to live on. Together or everyone builds their own future life.

Seven steps to a new life

So, the husband left for someone else, and how to survive this event is no longer a question. But with what goals and what opportunities to move on, it is not yet clear to the ex-wife, because everything in her life has changed dramatically. Experts recommend starting this stage with an awareness of your freedom, which opens up many new opportunities in place of one closed door. How to do it?

1. Make and write down on paper a list of all the shortcomings of your ex-husband. It is necessary to remember all the episodes of his actions and the traits of his character that brought negativity to family well-being and served as a reason for quarrels. You need to carry the list with you constantly and re-read it often, feeling relieved that all these problems have resolved themselves together with your husband.
2. Get a pet (preferably a dog) and devote your free time to caring for and training.
3. Take up any sport or dance without skipping classes and following the necessary diet to stay in shape.
4. Find yourself a new hobby that you can learn on your own by studying the necessary literature or watching video tutorials.
5. Make it a habit to visit a cosmetologist and hairdresser at least once a month to always feel well-groomed and ready for new victories.
6. Choose a style that matches the image you always wanted to imitate and update your wardrobe, parting with things from your old life without regret.
7. Become open to communication and new acquaintances, but at the same time try to eliminate your ex-husband from your circle of good friends. They can play the role of a “damaged phone” and cause trouble.

Even if at the moment a woman does not want to think about the possibility of a new relationship, it is important for her to work for the future from the first days of forced loneliness: get enough sleep at night, maintain good physical shape, and carry out regular cosmetic procedures. After some time, when the mental pain subsides, the reflection in the mirror will show a rested girl ready for change, and starting a new life will be much easier.

Time cures?

Sometimes it seems that everyone around has already been in similar situations and knows the right answer: they constantly give advice and recommend waiting, they say, time heals. Time heals, time heals... And what does it heal? And is it possible to cure this, is it treatable (I don’t mean all sorts of sedatives)?

In my opinion, these are some kind of excuses, and the treatment itself sits somewhere in our heads, in that wonderful gray mass that is generally called upon to think. While you are in love, hormones are rampant, and the brain seems to be in a state of blackout. Hormones blind us and often make us helpless and stupid kittens. But there is another side to this. These same hormones awaken our feelings and spread their wings, and butterflies in the stomach appear for a reason...

It is not for nothing that they say that love is a great happiness and a great misfortune for a person. It seems to me that in any case this is being in another reality, as in youth, when the world becomes very black or very white and no rationality works and adequacy is not used by the brain.

Remember in Pugacheva’s song “A Million Scarlet Roses”, and all of them for just one smile from their beloved. The whole world is ready to be thrown at her feet, and her heart too. They write poems for you, sing serenades, perform actions in your honor, and not because you so skillfully manipulated this man, but just like that. It is as if a person finds himself in a different reality, and the world is painted in different colors.

This can only be seen by going through something very, very, very painful. Divorce, infidelity, betrayal...

What not to do after separating from your husband

It is impossible to say unequivocally that a husband who has left for another will return if his ex-wife begins to behave “by the rules.” But, judging by the reviews of women who have experienced their spouse’s betrayal, the worthy behavior of a partner left alone at least evokes deep respect from the unfaithful man and his assessment of his own actions as unseemly.

The most common mistakes made by an abandoned spouse, which can further alienate a man and make him think that his leaving was the right decision:

• constant calls and attempts to find out from him what pushed him to take such a step;
• the beginning of active communication with colleagues and friends of the ex-husband with accusations against him and requests to facilitate a reunion;
• speculation about the possibility of meeting a spouse with children;
• retention of a man’s personal property - his documents or necessary things;
• threats to a lover’s new passion or searching for meetings with her with the intention of having a heart-to-heart talk.

Wanting to attract the attention of their ex-husband and make him jealous, some women take a desperate step and rush into a new relationship before they are mentally ready for it. Such an ill-considered action always results in bad consequences: the ex-husband becomes convinced that he was dealing with a frivolous person, and the woman herself receives serious psychological trauma and is deprived of the opportunity to experience deep feelings for a long time.

Girl, are you feeling bad?

When all the methods were exhausted (such as: advice from my mother and friends, sleeping pills and music, watching melodramas and meditation), I went to extreme measures. In a nearby supermarket I bought a bottle of good cognac and for the first time in my life I filled my body with alcohol to the fullest.

In the morning, there were at least five stars in each of my eyes, the exhaust from my mouth outright killed a fly nestled against the window frame, and the toilet (horror!) did not have time to pump water into the flush tank in response to the urges of my stomach.

I had no choice but to climb to the roof of our high-rise building...

With a limp, trembling hand, I pressed the elevator call button, and then with the same trembling hand I knocked the lock off the door to the attic. Having scared away a flock of pigeons, I crawled on all fours, scraping my knees, to the edge of the roof... Oh, God!

I looked down: my head was spinning, I felt nauseous with renewed vigor. For some reason, a stupid thought came to mind: “Where is my friend Carlson, who lives on the roof?” An acquaintance, of course, not personally, but thanks to Astrid Lindgren’s book...

The wind ruffled the strands of my black hair and cooled my shaved temple... Actually, I’m practically blonde by nature. Cute dimples on the cheeks, small but beautiful breasts, height - fifty meters when jumping. But the eyes - yes! - the eyes are really like a cow's. Defenseless, brown, with long, curving eyelashes...

Yesterday, purely by chance, I met my ex with a new passion. He looks like a gangster from a bad American movie: in a leather jacket, jeans and boots with metal spurs. She is a Barbie doll, thin-legged, with peri-hair that reaches almost to her butt, with pumped lips and a bunch of feathers in both ears - either clips or earrings. I remembered how, at the sight of the “sweet couple,” I was thrown back, and some compassionate guy who happened to be nearby asked worriedly:

- Girl, are you feeling bad?..

What to do if your husband wants to return

So, after my husband left for someone else, his life changed for the worse, and he decided that it was time to reconcile with his former life partner. The choice of behavioral tactics with which a man will try to re-enter the life of his abandoned lover will be based on his experience of communicating with her and those moments that cause a predictable reaction in her. If a woman succumbs to this provocation and goes along with her husband’s expectations, this will indicate her absolute control and make her controllable in the hands of a traitor.

Psychologists say that the only option to revive healthy relationships in the family after betrayal is to make the provocateur understand that his ex-other half is not a weak-willed victim, but a self-sufficient person who does not compromise.

A man himself must take the initiative to meet and discuss a topic that worries him, while a woman needs to pull herself together and not fly to the meeting at the first call, but call the time and place that is convenient for her. You can reschedule the date or postpone it to another date - this will be the first signal to the husband that he will have to compete for the attention of his beloved.

From denial to acceptance

According to psychologist, psychoanalyst Dmitry Neshchadim

, first you need to decide: is your relationship over or have you decided to wait for your husband to return back? “In the second case, it means that you choose to be in limbo, you give the key to your heart in his breast pocket. In other words, you are in his power, and there is practically nothing you can do here,” says the psychologist. – If you decide to end the relationship, then it will be a difficult and painful path. But by moving along it, you have a chance to find new meaning in life.”

What needs to be done to start this movement? According to the psychoanalyst, first of all, you need to determine the goal and draw a map of this movement. You can literally draw it with your hands and paints, or at least visualize all the stages for yourself.

The goal is to let go of your husband and open yourself to a new life. The road map will look something like this: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

• Negation.
  According to Dmitry Neshchadim, it is completely normal to deny this in the first moments of your husband’s departure. It will seem to you that he will return and you will see him in everyone you meet (the image of a ghost).
• Anger.
  Then it is natural that you will begin to be angry with the deceased, just as one is often angry with the deceased who left his family without a breadwinner (the image of mourners at a funeral).
• Bargain.
  After some time, a bargaining with God (or with the Universe, with fate) may arise, where thoughts of a magical exchange for the return of the spouse will come (the image of a woman praying on her knees).
• Depression.
  The biggest part of the path will be depression, where the world will plunge into sadness, and you will not see the point of further path (image of a woman curled up into a snail on the bed). In this area, outside support and assistance is especially needed.
• Adoption.
  And at the end of the journey you will be able to see a new dawn in life again (the image of a girl sitting on the beach and watching the sunrise).

This movement towards liberation and acceptance, according to the psychologist, can take from a year to a year and a half if you don’t get stuck somewhere along the way. Naturally, at some moments you may return to sections of the path that you have already covered, but after that you will begin to move forward again. The process of movement itself is important.

“The easiest thing to do during this period is to find an understanding and sensitive psychologist who will help you go through all these areas together,” says Dmitry Neshchadim. – And also don’t neglect your health. Loss is a stress that can poison the body with stress metabolites (toxins). They will need to be removed through sweat, tears, etc. Any sport and active lifestyle that you prefer will do.

The final decision is up to the woman

During a conversation that should dot all the i’s, you cannot allow your ex-husband to get carried away by memories of “how good everything was” and show weakness towards his guilty appearance if he decides to play on feelings of pity. It is necessary to immediately cut off his attempts to bargain, requests to give him time to settle all issues with his mistress and generally get into his position. Any compromises on this basis will lead the situation to a dead end and will only add new problems to existing ones.

Faced with the impossibility of dictating their terms, most men stop “keeping face” in order to lull their partner’s vigilance and reveal their true intentions. Perhaps, having become convinced that the real goal of her ex-lover is not the revival of love, but a return to her own comfort, the woman herself will not want such a relationship and will forever break off communication with the selfish man.