3 2837 November 20, 2021 at 05:20 Author of the publication: Marina Golomolzina, journalist
Every person knows the feeling of loneliness, and it is different for everyone. This could be the loneliness of a woman or a man waiting for a relationship. Or the loneliness of a person who finds himself in an unusual place, far from his family and friends. Or there may be a constant state of loneliness, when even among people and surrounded by loved ones a person feels lonely. This is loneliness, from which neither friendship, nor marriage, nor teamwork can save you.
As a rule, the feeling of loneliness is a source of discomfort for a person. He may experience melancholy, despair from the feeling of being useless, and even depression.
Why is this so? Why doesn't a person enjoy life alone? What is loneliness? What are the types of loneliness? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan answers these and many other questions, and also helps to get rid of the oppressive feeling of loneliness forever.
We feel lonely when it is difficult to have an open and honest conversation with our partner.
Even if you consider your partner to be the closest person, you may experience loneliness. This is what happens when he “doesn’t hear” you in conversations. For example: you say that some of his everyday habits complicate his life, and ask him not to do this. He listens to you, discusses them with you, but doesn’t even try to do anything. Or when you are trying to discuss something important with him, but at this time he prefers to scroll through his social network feed, periodically getting distracted and “ying assent” to your words.
Loneliness also occurs when it is difficult to have an open and honest conversation with a partner. You constantly have to hold something back, choose the right words, and also wait for the right time and opportunity to discuss something. Sadness and a feeling of distance appear if he reacts to your openness with sarcasm, claims that you are talking nonsense or condemns. It is especially difficult to be open when your partner is hot-tempered. We have already discussed how to communicate with this type of people in this article.
In this case, you both need to learn how to handle “difficult” conversations and talk to each other more often. Tell him how you feel, how it could be fixed, what you want in a relationship and what is preventing you from feeling comfortable right now.
Understanding the reasons means getting rid of loneliness
Understanding your inner workings helps overcome feelings of loneliness. Thus, people with a visual vector, instead of suffering alone, begin to actively create emotional connections. Realizing that feelings and emotions are the meaning of their life, they make the most of their potential. And the highest connection they can create in this world is love. When you truly love, you are not afraid to be alone, because you yourself take responsibility for creating a connection with a person. If you want to receive something, first give what you want to receive. If you don’t want to live alone, take a step towards a person.
And even if there has been a serious loss of a loved one, such owners of the visual vector do not linger alone for years, getting lost in a state of melancholy. For a while they are really sad and cry, because sadness is also an emotion, only lighter than melancholy. But they know that the best way to get out of prolonged loneliness is to simply start communicating, loving, creating emotional connections again, that is, bringing their emotions out. After all, loneliness arises only when a person focuses exclusively on himself and stops noticing those who need him.
For a sound engineer, this conclusion is less obvious, because loneliness is desirable for him. He seeks it, strives for it, taking refuge in it from the bustle and noise of modern city life. And often only system-vector psychology helps this deep introvert to extrovert, to reveal the joy of communication and the happiness of knowing another person. And then it becomes desirable to discover another person, his inner world, his mental structure. This becomes an important step in overcoming loneliness.
No one else suffers as much from loneliness as the sound artist, who feels global loneliness in this world. It was his ancestor with the sound vector who was once the first to feel his uniqueness and separation from the world. And the modern sound engineer is the biggest egocentric, focused on himself, not even wanting to know about other people and feeling his superiority over them.
But no one else, except the owner of the sound vector, is capable of potentially feeling such strong pleasure from creating a connection with another person. The connection it creates is special - a sonic, spiritual, connection between souls, based on understanding the other person as oneself. This is the feeling of his desires as your own. The creation of such a connection is possible only through the disclosure of human vectors, his psyche, which is provided by system-vector psychology. Such a connection helps to cope with global loneliness forever.
You spend little time together living under the same roof
A feeling of loneliness arises if you live together, but are constantly “being apart” - for example, he is tinkering in the garage, and you are in the kitchen, and after that you go to bed. Many couples do not share their impressions of the past day or do anything together.
To cope with loneliness due to lack of communication with your partner, you must definitely talk to him about it. Together, you need to figure out what you can do to spend more time together. For example, he can help you with cooking in the kitchen, and you can help him with his business. Add joint activities to your daily schedule: walks after work, watching TV series, board games. Of course, no one says that you need to be side by side 24 hours a day, but paying attention to each other in a healthy relationship is necessary.
Also, if you are constantly browsing social networks instead of communicating with each other, it can cause feelings of loneliness. A study by Brian Primack published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine found that people who spend more than two hours a day on social media are twice as likely to feel lonely as those who spend half an hour on social media sites. Therefore, it is worth thinking about spending more time in reality.
And constantly using a smartphone or computer is often a way to escape from problems when you don’t know what to talk about or what to do. You need to learn together to find “common ground” and activities that will be interesting to both of you.
How to deal with the situation
In order to restore mental balance, to feel not alone, but harmoniously, even without a partner, to be able to find a common language with everyone around you, it is enough to perform a rather simple manipulation of a psychological nature: to work through this internal feeling of uselessness, which was inherent almost in childhood.
The process of establishing psychological contact with parents should be carried out. Moreover, physical contact with them is not always required. In real life, relationships may not change at all. But after working on yourself, you can feel calmer, more holistic and more fulfilled. After this, a person will calm down inside, feel more mature and will be able to build more harmonious relationships with others based on the type of exchange, rather than looking for those who can plug the hole of loneliness in the soul.
An effective self-help practice that helps in this case is as follows:
- Letter practice . You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is take a piece of paper and a pen and write letters to mom and dad, pouring out absolutely all the complaints that you have accumulated throughout your life. Everything you remember. Don't analyze. In the first days it may not work out well, but over time the feelings will rise and you will be able to free yourself from the burden. Just write every day.
- Keep a reflective journal . Every day, write down your feelings and emotions: what offended you, what scared you and what upset you.
There are several reasons for painful loneliness. External is laziness to look for a partner, friends, hobbies and passions. A person just sits at home and nothing happens in his life month after month. Then the realization comes that this is complete loneliness. Action is needed here.
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Or a person goes on dates, invites friends, but the meetings do not produce results. Then you need to learn to communicate, make friends, trust. This is a matter of technology.
An internal cause is the presence of psychological trauma, which in the present moment significantly affects the quality of life, reactions, mood, and behavior. Against the background of trauma, a person may be afraid of intimacy, remain abandoned, rejected and betrayed, and experience this pain again. And you can’t handle this on your own: you need the help of a specialist.
Long separation
When our partner is away for a long time, we may feel lonely, and this is quite normal. Very often, such emotions manifest themselves in people whose careers involve business trips or shift work.
To support your partner during a long separation, you need to show your love more often. For example, call or send encouraging messages with a touching text. The way you and your partner communicate via text can reveal a lot about your relationship.
If you have the opportunity to “see each other” via video call, be sure to use it - such communication better allows you to express emotions. And if you are forced to spend the holidays away from each other, use delivery services so as not to leave your other half without a gift.
Individual emotional problems of each of you
Depression, psychological difficulties or constant stress can lead to loneliness in relationships.
The first step is to talk to your partner about how you feel. If during a conversation he can point out specific examples of how he regularly tries to make you feel satisfied, but you still can't shake the feeling of loneliness, this may be related to your emotional state. You should consult a doctor to find out the causes of psychological problems, or first try to analyze on your own why you feel this way.
If your partner admits to you that he feels lonely because of depression, the best thing you can do for him is to support him emotionally and physically. You can talk about what's bothering him more often. You can also suggest that he see a therapist to figure out why he feels this way.
Voluntary loneliness
We often treat loneliness as a curse. We forget that it gives a chance for self-realization, gives freedom and wide opens the door to our inner world.
Loneliness is not always synonymous with anxiety. Rather, it is a transitional stage towards hope and rebirth. This solitude encourages you to take a more thoughtful approach to your life, strengthens your independence, and helps you focus on yourself. Solitude allows you to achieve the quality of silence, when you can open your inner reserves, developing strength, courage, clarity of mind and endurance. As well as qualities that allow you to live in harmony with yourself without the approval of others, remain open and patient with others and adhere to the chosen direction of your life.
Voluntary loneliness helps us take responsibility for our lives and understand our true desires and needs.
Meeting silence, meeting yourself, getting closer to your deepest essence in order to learn to live with others is a vital necessity. Being alone with yourself, even if there is someone nearby, is the path to inner freedom.
The task of a husband and wife is precisely to live together, while remaining two different people, not one whole and not two halves. It is necessary that everyone has their own personal space, their own room, a place where they can retire. A little distance between two loving people will only maintain the desire and pleasure of meeting.
“We need to secure for ourselves a separate room in which we will feel free and which will become our main refuge and place of solitude, since the most important thing on earth is the ability to be ourselves,” Montaigne teaches us. And then from silence another presence is born, intimate, internal, to which we gain free access. Becoming yourself means stopping holding on to other people.
All spiritual traditions of East and West emphasize the need for solitude. It is the beginning of the foundation of a person’s inner world. Those who have lived through this experience know that solitude strengthens the spirit. Carl Jung believes that the search for the principle “Know Thyself” occurs through withdrawal into oneself. This stage is beneficial to us and our environment as it affects interpersonal relationships and affects our entire lives. Such solitude can be afforded not only by sages or mystics, but also by any person striving for real life.
Great philosophers and writers, from Pascal to Kierkegaard, including Rousseau and Vigny, insist on the importance of the experience of such solitude. Rousseau encourages dreaming, as it provides an opportunity to be alone with oneself: “I feel a wonderful feeling of fullness, satisfaction and peace in this calm. Every day of my life reminds me with pleasure of the previous one, and I wish nothing different for tomorrow.” Nietzsche mentions in his writings the close connection of loneliness with love and creativity. He views it as recovery from various illnesses of life and extols it as a virtue in his works. “Oh, loneliness! You are my homeland, loneliness! - exclaims the prophet Zarathustra. Solitude is necessary to create a work; it opens the door to the imagination. Any creator, philosopher, writer, musician or artist needs solitude. In it he draws his creative strength. Any reflection, search for the right phrase presupposes and requires silence and solitude in order to discover new possibilities in oneself.
Sometimes illness, loss, and breakups lead to this. Then we notice that we draw strength from such self-analysis. The ability to accept loneliness as a friend makes us stronger, freer in the face of difficulties. This time of solitude helps us become aware of the presence of ourselves. When we feel present within ourselves, we are no longer afraid of silence, loneliness and feel fulfilled. This sense of self allows you to better perceive others and the world around you.
“To experience inner freedom means to be freed from all expectations and all our fears,” writes Mathieu Ricard (Biochemist, Buddhist monk, author of The Habit of Happiness, 2003). In everyday life, this new freedom opens us up to others more and allows us to enjoy the simplicity of the present moment, freed from the past without thinking about the future. We can laugh easily with people we value without becoming emotionally attached to them. Thus revived and liberated, we become more creative in our activities and experience more pleasure. We can change the anxiety of loneliness by taming it. To do this, you need to agree to solitude in order to accept your fears, understand them and overcome them.
And then loneliness is experienced as an opportunity for in-depth exploration, an almost metaphysical discovery of one’s essence, simultaneously lost and in touch. Life has everything it needs to enlighten us, but we don’t waste time turning on the lights, the sages tell us.
Know how to recognize the need for solitude, not only yours, but also that of our environment. Give yourself moments when each respects the silence and space of the other to make the meeting even more beautiful. Learn to turn anxious loneliness into tamed, comfortable solitude, when you are calmly alone with yourself.
Long breaks or lack of intimacy
Proximity plays a big role in establishing and maintaining a connection. When you live in the same house but are not physically together, it increases feelings of loneliness.
It is important to discuss why this happens. Don't jump to conclusions that he no longer loves you or that you no longer seem attractive.
Often the reason for the lack of sex can be fatigue due to a busy work schedule, or taking medications that reduce libido. Many couples turn to a sexologist or psychologist if they want to improve their intimate life.
And if the reason really lies in the fact that your partner has “burned out” towards you, think about whether it’s worth continuing the relationship.
Practices
Silent pause
This exercise, which can be done anywhere: on public transport, in a waiting room, in a queue or even in the office, will do you more good than a coffee break. It increases natural energy levels.
● Sitting with a straight back, look at one point straight in front of you (at a book, some object), without looking too closely at it. Yogis call this technique “looking without seeing.” Be attentive to what is happening inside you, to the quality of your breathing.
● Breathe calmly and measuredly, then relax your jaws, shoulders, and pelvis.
● Relax with each inhalation and as you exhale, say the word “peace.”
● Feel a sense of serenity come over you. When your thoughts begin to wander, bring them back to your breathing. Remain in this state of stillness for a few minutes, enjoying the quality of silence. Do this exercise as often as possible.
Feel the power in yourself
● Sit comfortably, close your eyes. Breathe deeply and relax your entire body. Continue to breathe and completely surrender to relaxation.
● As you relax, focus on your heart. Imagine this place of peace within you. This is the deepest part of your being. Rest longer in this place.
● Starting from your heart, ask the energy to circulate throughout your body.
● Feel the energy in your body and realize that you can direct this light flow towards others.
Lack of warmth and care
When the “candy-bouquet” period passes, we express our feelings a little more restrained. If this makes you feel lonely, talk to your partner about what you're missing.
But if coldness and aloofness suddenly appear in a relationship and you notice that your partner often behaves as if he frankly doesn’t care, you need to look for deeper reasons for this behavior. Analyze why this happens: perhaps you often quarrel, and your partner harbors resentment against you, or he does everything to end the relationship, but does not want to be the initiator of the breakup. Ask him honest and open questions that will lead to specific decisions and answers.
Radically different interests
If your habits, life goals or views on simple everyday details do not coincide, this causes discomfort and causes a feeling of loneliness. Agree, if your partner does not understand your principles, interests and hobbies, he cannot support you or talk about what interests you. And so do you towards him.
Indeed, building a comfortable life together if you love cleanliness, but he may well live in a cluttered space, is quite difficult.
To become closer and get rid of the feeling of alienation, you need to work on such relationships. You both need to form habits that lead to compromise. And also find themes and common ground. If things don't work out, consider whether it's worth continuing a relationship in which you can't come to an understanding.
Work on yourself
And yet something is missing. Because when the noise subsides and the scenery around us fades, our inner emptiness becomes obvious, and character flaws float to the surface.
And what do we do most often? We are trying to escape from ourselves, imperfect and unfilled, back into the crowd... as a rule, the same thirsty vessels. How can you satisfy your hunger? And so, day by day we become even more unhappy and lonely.
But it turns out that the space needs to be filled not around, but inside. Work on yourself, on your self-esteem and constantly strive for development. In order to face yourself, to recognize your own reflection and not be afraid, you need courage and fortitude. If you don’t understand and don’t love yourself, should you expect this from others?
